Husband 3 weeks sober - pink cloud?

[warriorprincess]

hello everyone. i am new to this board; new to this site. i have been married 14 years and have 2 young kids. i never have more than one drink; just don't really like the taste, and i always thought i was the "abnormal" one. my husband did drink throughout our marriage, and i assumed that was "normal". he did come from an alcoholic family, but i thought he could "handle" it. throughout the years there have been times he embarrassed me at parties, many times i had to drive home, and he got a dui a few years ago that he totally blew off as nothing. there were also the times he left right after our son was born to go have a drink and when he went to an office xmas party right before i was due to have our daughter, and i was concerned he was still buzzed when he had to drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night. for many years, i have just had a dull loneliness, even when i am with him. i never thought he was an alcoholic because he was a great dad, was generally nice, and seemed to be fine most of the time. anyway, the troubles began 4 yrs. ago when he got me to sign a power of attorney to refinance our house for a lower interest rate. what he didn't tell me was that he was cashing out $75k in equity to pay off some business debts. i found out a year later and was sickened. i thought about leaving but our kids were 3 and 1 and i just tried to suck it up. we ended up going to 2 counselors in the last 3 years (now on our 3rd), i saw two counselors, and even tried anti-depressants. nothing could shake that "unwell" feeling. i lost all respect for him, and that made me not like him, not be attracted to him, not want to be intimate with him. fast forward to this december, when i opened our equity line bill and it was much, much higher than i thought. i asked him about it, and he admitted he had been using it for his new company. i said this was exactly what happened before, but he didn't seem to care. i also found out that part of the reason the bill was so high was that he paid off a $35k amex bill that i knew nothing about. the bill was sent to his office and he paid it with a different account. i told him i was done; that i wouldn't live this way anymore. we agreed to wait until after the holidays to deal with the situation. we started seeing the 3rd couples therapist. in therapy, i asked to see all the statements for the equity and the amex. what i discovered was that he was using the amex to pay for all his trips to bars and liquor stores -- it was about $4k, at a time when we were scrimping and saving just to make ends meet. i asked for a divorce at the end of january, and first he was calm, then he was livid, saying i was making the worst mistake of my life and that everyone would be miserable. in the space of three days he went from saying the money problems were my fault because i was too emotional and he couldn't risk upsetting me, then he said it was my fault because i "dominated" him throughout the marriage and this was his way of gaining independence (when i asked him what i dominated all he could come up with was that i picked where we went on our honeymoon and decorated the houses we have lived in), and then on the third day he asked if i thought he had a drinking problem.

i said that it was possible, and he immediately stopped drinking and started going to AA meetings, sometimes twice a day. he has been sober for 3 weeks as of yesterday. i feel like he is a totally different person. it's as if the pod people have taken him away and left someone new. everything from suddenly eating sweets -- never did before -- i understand this is due to the lack of alcohol. suddenly in contact with his family -- who he avoided like the plague throughout our marriage. suddenly working out. suddenly reversing his beliefs about everying -- now he's "spiritual", now he agrees the dui was awful, now he says he did the financial things because he was sick and depressed. it's like someone vehemently saying 2 + 2 = 5 for 14 years and suddenly they're like, "oh, yeah, it is 4, you were right..." it is like living with someone who had a religious experience -- he has become like a gandhi.

anyway, you would think i would be happy, but i'm not. he doesn't seem to get it that i had to experience all this right along with him, and i'm still grieving -- him admitting he was an alcoholic hasn't really changed anything that happened. in some ways it just makes it worse because i think if he stopped earlier these things might not have happened. he says i "saved his life" by asking for the divorce. i have gone to several al-anon meetings, and everyone says not to do anything dramatic until he has been sober 6 months. so now, the focus has suddenly gone from our problems to alcoholism, his meetings, his sponsor, etc.

i know it has taken me a long time to get to the point, but i would like to ask you how long this "pink cloud" typically lasts, if that's what this is. does his behavior seem typical? are there going to be more changes in him? somehow this all seems like it was too easy for him, and i am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. thanks for your replies!!!

[Chy]

it's as if the pod people have taken him away and left someone new.

They have!

In all seriousness, it just vary's from person to person. As an alcoholic once the realization that I wanted sobriety more than anything "stuck" I embraced it with everything I could. Yes, recovery became my priority, meetings, sponsor, step work all of it. I knew if I couldn't be sober then there was no point in continuing on giving false hope to my husband and kids that our family could heal.

I rode that pink cloud for many many months, and truth be told, I still do a couple years later. It's hard work in the early days of sobriety. It's simply got to be the priority if anything else in our life is to be "fixed".

With that said, yet again, one more time, uncertain anticipation still lingers in the family and spouses of us alcoholic types. Your mistrust, uncertainty, hurt, has more then likely never truly been validated. So when is it your turn? If you have the patience and endurance to survive the active alcoholism then I urge you if there is any inkling of energy left hang in there to survive the recovery. It's not fair being second fiddle I know. I hope you continue on in Alanon, find live support and friendships with other people going through what you are and have faith that there is a beautiful future ahead should he continue on his pink cloud. It's been my observation those that ride the pink cloud for awhile into recovery versus those that have yet to experiance it tend to fair well in long term sobriety.

Again, and I'm sure you've given all you can already, it's a matter of time. *hugs*

[fraankie]

"..............Husband 3 weeks sober - pink cloud?"

let him enjoy it
it's better than having him drinking
besides,
it's all new
this is probably- 3 weeks - the longest he's not had a drink
since he was a teenager

of course, he's different
the program is about chAAnge

best
fraankie

[Cap3]

Hi and Welcome,as with anyone alcoholic or not,we are not always happy,joyous and free.,at all times.Being alcoholic myself i too was on a pink cloud,or was it,im still not sure.All i know that i was so happy,that finally there were , solutions,and fellowship.That i was no longer all alone,anymore.I breathed recovery programs.Actually tried to get others into programs who i knew also,were alcoholics.This back-fired on me big time.They were not ready.The recovery programs are not for folks who should go,but for folks that want recovery.Learned this the hard way.Of course...smile...Gave up being ghandi...smile.
There is so much from the past,that needs healing.This takes time.Its a process.Change,and learning new ways to live,all takes time.Making ammends to those who have been hurt,and cleaning up the past.Its all a process.Recovery is all about---change---

[fraankie]

WELL, YOU HAVE A GOOD POINT
LIKE, WHO WANTS TO SUPPORT THE "REASON", (YOUR HUSBAND)
YOU HAD A TERRIBLE LIFE

ANYWAY,
"...............everyone says not to do anything dramatic>>>>>>>>>>>"

WHAT OUT FOR THIS ONE
AND
TAKE A GOOD TIME TOP CONTEMPLATE ANY DECISIONMS
AS
LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC
BOTH OF YOU HAVE HAD YOUR FAIR SHARE OF DRAMA WITH A CAPITAL D
IN A WAY, THE DRAMA
HAS BEEN AN ESCAPE
TO NOT DEAL; WITH HIM, KIDS, SCHOOL, NEIOGHBORS, FAMILY, ETC

I TALK FROM EXPERIENCE
MY FAMILY IS, LIKE, ADDICTED TO THE DRAMA

FRAANKIE IS THE BAD GUY
SORRY NO ROOM FOR 2 GOOD GUYS HERE
ME AND MY BROTHER
MOM IS THE CROSS BEARER
"SOME LIKE TO KEEP OTHERS DOWN"
MY SISTER, MELA'S OWN WORDS

SO DO YOUR BEST


FRAANKIE

[Cathy31]

I think you will find ALOT of answers in Al-Anon.

I think you also clearly depicted why many marriages break up once the A gets into recovery...suddenly they're all fixed and happy and confident (and yes, it does last, if you work a program like AA and get sober, you will feel better than you did in your life!) And the SO is like, hello, I'm still pissed off!

It's natural; but I do beleive you can save yourself alot of pain and anguish by getting into your own recovery (from this) through Al-Anon.

Good luck!

Cathy31
x

[warriorprincess]

cathy, thanks for your words. i'm a little worried, though, because i went to three meetings and was really turned off by it (i know you are supposed to go to at least six before you decide). unless i missed the point, it seemed like they were advocating just getting thru each day, ignoring the alcoholic, and focusing on fixing your own character defects. that's great, but coming from a low, beated down place, i don't want to look for the worst in myself right now; i need support. also, as a guilty catholic, type a kind of person, i feel like i beat myself up pretty well on my own. i know i'm probably an enabler, codependent, etc. and i'm trying to learn more about those things. i just feel that if you have to struggle to get through each day, what kind of life is that? it just didn't seem very empowering to me, but again, that's just me.

[Cap3]

Former guilty RC,here.....Yup i can relate.Difference between beating myself up,and looking to see where my own defects of character,that are getting in the way to my happiness,and in relationships with others.Nothing changes if i dont change.
Alcoholism is called the "family" disease.We all play our own part .Where ive added fule to the fires,where by my own thinking/actions made a bad situation,bigger and worse than it was to begin with.Looking into self,making healther choices in my life.I cant make healthier changes,if i dont look into my,own issues.Cant say enough good things about the Al-anon program.Many there are at different stages,in their recovery.Some like myself in my beginnings do struggle.Its hard at first learning a new way to live.But looking back i struggled more,one day at a time,when i just kept doing the same ole,same ole,and wasnt making changes in my life..Those who are living peacefully,effectivelly,those are the ones who you might ask to sponsor you.Keep an open mind.It works when ya work it.
keep on keeping on,

[outonalimb]

warrior...

Oh, do I ever 'get' what you are saying.

My exhusband (exah) is a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. He was an alcoholic when I married him. I knew it. I almost called off the wedding at one point because of it. but I loved him. His good qualities outweighed this problem in my mind. I thought he would settle down. I was NAIVE!

Three years into our marriage, and after we had a beautiful little boy together, he decided to try heroin. What a nightmare. He hid his use for nearly a year. I thought he was depressed. When the money situation spiralled out of control, I started to piece things together. Within the span of a few short weeks, I figured out the problem was heroin. What a dark, scary period in my life.

I struggled to help exah with his addiction for almost 3 years. Divorce wasn't an option. (I get the Catholic thing all too well!). Finally, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I left in Jan of '05. I realized that my exah was going to take me and our son down with him if I didn't leave. Four months later I filed for divorce. The divorce became final in Sept of '05.

Well, wouldn't you know it...about 3 weeks ago, exah came to me and told me that he knew he needed AA. He wanted to try and save our marriage and he was willing to do anything to make his life, and our families life, better. He's been going to meetings for about 3 weeks now...and I've witnessed the single longest stretch of sobriety and clean living that I"ve seen in all the years I've known him. Seems like my prayers have been answered (or at least begun to be answered) right? I guess. For years, this was all I prayed for...and now it seems like it might actually happen...and I'm truly not sure that I want to make things work any longer.

I want my son to have both parents. I want this more than anything in the world. I also know that I dont' trust my exah or respect him like I would hope to trust and respect my spouse. I am in total limbo land right now.

I've gone to a few Alanon meetings. I know they are highly regarded around here...but honestly, they haven't done much for me either. I have worked on my own recovery...in my own way... I know that for the longest time, I felt alot like you did...Why do I have to have to do a fearless moral inventory...why do I have to look for defects in my character? I'm not the one with the addiction. I'm not the one who's sick. I came to realize, however, that I was sick...and I still am although I'm getting better. I can only speak from my experience but my sickness came in the form of putting my exah's needs...and my sons needs...before my own. At every step of this journey, I tried to do the 'right thing' (which meant stay married and be supportive) without really asking myself what it was that I wanted out of life. My needs didn't factor into the equation like they should have. I let a sense of duty, and obligation, and my moral upbrining dictate my actions. I didn't give enough thought to what this insanity was doing to me. I lost my sense of humor...I lost any sense of happiness and joy. I was just getting thru life one day at a time and it stunk.

Recovery doesn't have to be about the 12 steps and Al-anon meetings. The key to recovery for me has been that I make decisions in my life not based upon what exah is or isn't doing, but rather, based on what I can live with and what makes me happy. Instead of letting my life be a series of reactions to his behavior, I'm trying to make decisions in my life based on what I want out of life. I don't want to be the long-suffering wife of an alcoholic or addict anymore. If I decide to stay in this relationship and try to make things work, I want it to be because thats what I want and not what is expected of me. Thats a big change in thinking from where I was a short while ago. And this change in thinking is what recovery means to me. Am I making any sense here?

You're thread really got me thinking...I can really identify with what you are saying.

[warriorprincess]

outonalimb, thanks for your words -- i'm sitting here wanting to cry, just knowing that someone cares enough to write. what a mess, mess, mess. i was so angry today, because my husband keeps telling me how worried he is about me and how he wants me to go on anti-depressants because i've been so sad during this whole time, spending a lot of time in my pjs, etc. i've been on them before and didn't like how i felt, but i made an app't. with a psych just to get him off my back. tonight he is on a business trip and never called to say he arrived -- something we always would do -- and i find myself so sad, missing him, or maybe not missing him, but missing something. i imagine this is what it would be like if we do divorce, and it's so sad, and i'm so angry at this predicament! it's like i can't imagine life without him, but life with him has been so hard and sad. i feel like there are no good solutions. oh, big sigh...

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by warriorprincess

cathy, thanks for your words. i'm a little worried, though, because i went to three meetings and was really turned off by it (i know you are supposed to go to at least six before you decide). unless i missed the point, it seemed like they were advocating just getting thru each day, ignoring the alcoholic, and focusing on fixing your own character defects. that's great, but coming from a low, beated down place, i don't want to look for the worst in myself right now; i need support. also, as a guilty catholic, type a kind of person, i feel like i beat myself up pretty well on my own. i know i'm probably an enabler, codependent, etc. and i'm trying to learn more about those things. i just feel that if you have to struggle to get through each day, what kind of life is that? it just didn't seem very empowering to me, but again, that's just me.

My homegroup (AA) makes a point of choosing an appropriate topic when there's a newcomer in the room. Not all groups do that. Because "program" is a series of steps and a journey to recovery, different people will be at a different point in their respective recoveries. So...if you're hearing about character defects at your first meeting in some other context besides the steps, it might be a little confusing. Three meetings isn't enough for most of us -- drunks or those who love drunks -- to make ourselves ready for a fourth step.

Be gentle with yourself. Ask someone who's been around awhile to share on the first step. That's where we start. I used for 25 years, both legal and illegal substances, and I couldn't think of a single "character defect" while I was in rehab, other than my family had been hurt by my using. Eventually, I could examine my motives for certain actions, but that came months later.

Please talk to someone who's been around awhile. You deserve a ride on that pink cloud just as much as your husband does. Three years later, my pink cloud (gratitude!!) is my favorite place to hang out!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[fraankie]

a guilty Catholic
well, the meetings are a spiritual path
but
i also started going to church,
did a general absolution confession
and
move on

the program will help with alcohol
you may also seek a session with your local pastor

best
fraankie

[Music]

Originally Posted by warriorprincess

so now, the focus has suddenly gone from our problems to alcoholism, his meetings, his sponsor, etc.

i know it has taken me a long time to get to the point, but i would like to ask you how long this "pink cloud" typically lasts, if that's what this is. does his behavior seem typical? are there going to be more changes in him? somehow this all seems like it was too easy for him, and i am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. thanks for your replies!!!

So, here goes! My wife got sober about a year before I did, so I kind of know what you're going through. She did AA the way she does most things. All the way! No half measures and no messing around. I got tired of sitting home most nights so I started going to Al-anon. I soon got the message that my wife wasn't my problem. I was my problem!! It got worse! I realized that I could only be just so honest in an Al-anon meeting, because I couldn't tell them how I drank without blowing my cover. So, I eventually came into AA.

I know today that when we were both drinking, we kind of got into a comfort zone. Yeah, it was ugly at times but we knew how to handle the situation. We'd go out and get blasted together. After a while though, that didn't work. I had to make some changes in myself in order to live with this new sober person I was married to. I knew how to deal with her when she was drinking, but hadn't a clue how to deal with her sober. That's what Al-anon is about. That's what AA is about. It's not about someone else doing what they do. It's about me and how I do what I do. I have a choice. I can sit around watching people around me, critiqueing them, or I can look at myself and see how I can adjust to my new surroundings. Divorce is an option, or getting well with my wife is an optioin. I chose to get well. So, after being married for 43 years, sober almost 29 years and looking back to that period in my life, I realize I did the right things.

I suggest that instead of looking so much at your husband and asking about his "pick cloud", that maybe you look for your own "pick cloud" and ride it for all it's worth. That way, you won't have to worry about making any decisions six months from now. There are no guarantees, so instead of waiting for that other shoe to drop, take some steps to get yourself into a position to be able to handle that shoe if it does drop. Get to some Al-anon meetings and develope a support group so you won't have to handle this situation alone.