WARNING......this isn't gonna make much sense

[skinner]

I think I'm gonna just type....not worry about when and where to begin/end a paragraph......not worry about sounding intelligent........not worry about anything. I just need to get it out. Hence the warning.......cuz I'm guessing I'm about to babble!!

I fee like I'm gonna explode!! I feel like I need to just crawl outta my skin and just not be me!! I feel like a helpless little child stuck in the corner with all these big things glaring down at me. I feel like I have no control over anything. I feel insanely lonely. I feel confused. I just feel like CRUD!!!

Ok, here's the why......I am divorced (for one year). I have 2 children with my ex. The ex is a violent man with a large anger problem. He is remarried to a woman who is very manipulative. My ex and I have 50/50 legal custody of the girls. For the last year and 1/2 he has been very difficult to communicate with. He refuses to discuss anything with me regarding our children without input from his current wife. I have learned the hard way (after being burned by her several times) that his wife is NOT someone I care for at ALL. AND, she is NOT someone whom I would EVER choose to help raise my children. By the way, I am not bitter about my divorce, I am the one who filed. ANYWAY, this is a long story, but to try to keep it short.....I finally just recently decided to get the police involved after he was violent with me in front of my 4 year old. Well, he didn't leave any visible marks so I am guessing there will not be much that will happen. AND, he has told me in the past that he would lie in court, AND, his wife would do the same if it ever came to that. I just feel like I am constantly being ganged up on (yes, juvenile sounding.......but how I feel). I have tried sooooooooo hard to always be the bigger person for my kids sake. I haven't responded to his hateful e-mails. I don't yell back when he yells at me. Anyway, I don't know my point other than this is a tremendous hurdle I am dealing with right now and it's finally taking it's toll on my spirits. I just wanna SCREAM!!! I have a few really good friends that I talk to about all this but I'm guessing they are gonna start running the other way when the phone rings cuz it sure can't be fun talking to someone who never seems to have much good news to share. Heck, I'd probably roll my eyes if I saw it was me calling too!! So, I'm not calling them so much and I'm trying really hard to stop sounding so negative. This all just makes me sooooo mad!!! I used to be such a fun person. I used to always be the one to "look on the bright side". I have been told time and time again that I live my life with rose colored glasses on........well, I still do actually which is why I keep being the doormat to so many!! AAAAAAARGH!!!

Now, the other issue that causes me great pain AND lonelinss. I had a bf up until mid-November. He lives about 300 miles away and we really only saw each other about once every other month or so. We would talk on the phone a few times a week and that was that. WELL, I have some HUGE trust issues and that definately took its toll on our relationship. AND, he has some huge issues regarding his current custody agreement with his ex wife that also took its toll on "us". ANYway, long story short. He did tell me he loves me, and I think I believe him. He also told me that he just cannot be in a relationship right now. Yeah yeah, I know, sounds like code for "I just don't want YOU". BUT, he has started being more considerate of me and my feelings since the label of boyfriend has been removed. ANYway, he said he couldn't ask me to wait for him while he figures his shite out but that he does love me. We continue to talk at least once a week for several hours. We spent all of Christmas Eve together (HIS idea). Bottom line, it doesn't really seem like we are broken up, but we are and that is just VERY difficult for me. I LOVE this man. He is actually a GOOD man......not violent, NOT a drunk, a GOOD father. No, he is not perfect, but I wouldn't WANT him to be. Ohhhhh, I don't know my point other than this just being friends with him is soooooo very difficult and painful for me and I just feel sooooo lonely.

Oh, good lord......if this isn't a big feel sorry for me thread then I don't know what is. Well, I just wanna let you all know (all who actually read all this) that I really am not looking for pity. I'm just in a bad place right now and I'm sad and lonely and just wish I had someone who would just hug me and tell me that it's all gonna be ok.......even though I know no one can fix things like this......just hearing those words are comforting. I'm just tired of being strong and grown up and "together" and........whatever.

Ahhhhhhh.........ok, my nonsensical writting will cease now.

And, I know, I know.....this too shall pass.

[Sugasnaps]

{{big fat warm hug wrappin around you like a warmed-by-the-fire blanket}} Skinner... I know... life can really feel like THE BIG SUCK sometimes. You are doing the best you can and today man, it blows. But, it really is going to be okay and do you know why? Cuz you are going to take deep breaths... step back... then from a GOOD place you are going to make choices that make sense to YOU. You can do it.

[Texxie]

Hi Skinner! I just wanna give you a hug cuz I've been there and felt the same stuff and still do a lot of the time. You can PM me if you want, I'll be glad to talk with you anytime.

[skinner]

Thanks (((Suga and Texxie)))........I'm just in a bad place right now so it's good that I can at least "vent" somewhere!! I'll be ok though......I'm just that kinda gal!!

[brigid]

(((((skinner))))) I know this will work itself out. When I have found myself in hard places and facing challenges I think "Whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger", this helps me.

love brigid

[Sheryl85]

Don’t ever apologize for being human.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

Yes, it’s true that this too shall pass. But in the meantime that doesn’t mean that it should invalidate your feelings. I try to impress on the young women that I work with that “feelings� are just that, they are your feelings. Feelings aren’t right, they aren’t wrong, they just are…<o:p></o:p>

There is no pat answer to any of the things that are bothering you right now. I think that if I had all the things going on in my world that you do right at this moment I’d be a little rattled and ramble a little, too. There is nothing wrong with that. The only word of advice I can give you is to just make sure that you are doing your part in things and by that I mean the next right thing in the situation. Keep your side of the street clean. Your ex can act like an abusive AH if he wants to. You just don’t have to provide him a punching bag. It’s also called CYA. If he sends you abusive emails, print them out and keep them in a file. If he gives abusive phone calls, get an answering machine and keep a recording of the call. And don’t go anywhere except into public if you must meet him face to face. The new Mrs. AH isn’t going to watch your back. That’s been proved. So, you have to watch out after yourself. Your children will get the idea of what is going on and they will come to respect a smart and resourceful mom. They will come to understand how important it is to use problem solving skills and the value of conflict resolution. They will learn self-esteem as they watch you grow in sobriety. <o:p></o:p>

And remember, if you were like I was, many were the times when I was lonely in a room full of people. I have found that my HP gives me the greatest gifts when I allow Him to make the decisions. So, my job is to suit up, show up, and put forth my best effort on a daily basis. (To me the basic breakdown to the first three steps is, “I can’t, He can, and I think I’ll let Him!�)<o:p></o:p>

I would say that you are doing as good a job as you can at this moment. But tomorrow, you can try to do just a bit better and then cut yourself some slack when you haven’t become “Superwoman� or “Supermom� overnight. Try taking it one day at a time. Bet you can put up with anything for just 24 little ol’ hours… And remember this. When the time comes and everything starts running along real smooth… “This too shall pass!�
<o:p></o:p>


<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place>Lot</st1:place>’s of hugs and good thoughts headed your way!

[grumpy_b05]

Hi Skinner!
To start here is a big hug for you ! Sorry your having to gothrough all of this. And you know what . . . sometimes it's o.k. to ramble. At least we are working through what we are feeling and not running to drugs or alcohol! Kepp up the postive attitude that you carry because I believe there are to many negative things that happen in the world. I also believe that eventually this too shall pass.

[FriendofBill]

Feel just like you do today, if thats any help.
Called old sponsor who reminded me that my disease is in FULL blown drive, and not to listen to any of my thinking today.

You ARE going to be ok
You WILL get past this
You ARE a loving, good mom, woman
This TOO shall pass.

I know....my higher power made me feel better today, so i KNOW you will too.

[laurie6781]

Skinner, please keep a notebook and enter in it every occurance, whether it's shouting or threats. Also print out all emails and put in a file.

That way you have a chronological log that you can take into court and request that from now on the exchange for visitation be done with a third party or at the police station.

Two of my old friends, both in Wisconsin by the way, one in Milw. and one in Brookfield had to do this after countless problems and verbal abuse. It makes their lives much easier, the kids got to realize the police station was a safe place and she had no more abuse from the ex.

The courts want what is best for the children and will look very unfavorably on his actions in front of the children.

JMHO

My prayers are with you and the kids.

Love and (((((to all))))),

[Chance]

Originally Posted by skinner

I'm just in a bad place right now and I'm sad and lonely and just wish I had someone who would just hug me and tell me that it's all gonna be ok.

BIG HUG

Coming YOUR WAY

ANYTIME YOU NEED A

(((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))

Let Me KNOW

IT WILL BE OK

Love Vic

[skinner]

Brigid, Sheryl, Grumpy, FOB, Laurie and Lucky........thanks all of you (suga and Texxie too)!!! I read these responses earlier and the tears just streamed down my face!! Really, thank you!! It is not easy for me to ask for help, so the fact that you responded means WAY more than you probably know!!!

So, "restless, irritable and discontent".......gee, ya THINK that was me when I wrote this thread??? Anyway, just wanted to say thanks and to let ya all know I'm actually feeling a bit better. I got home from work, and got on my eliptical machine. There is SOOOOOO much truth behind exercise making you feel better. Only 5 minutes into my workout I was feeling WAY better about everything that seemed so awful just minutes before. (and NO, I am NOT a workout buff......just own an eliptical so figure I should use it!!) I also had a meeting with my sponsor tonight to study the big book.......again, truth behind talking things over with someone. So, anyway, it's 11:28 pm and I am DEFINATELY not in need of crawling outta my skin (at the moment anyway!!)

Again, thanks!!

[Sheryl85]

You are doing fine. Just keep the faith and when you start to have doubts, think back to where you started from.

Keep in touch and let us know how things are going. I'll be saying a prayer for you and a bunch of other folks on here that are "trudging the road to happy destiny."

Hugs to all who need 'em.

[CarolD]

It's good to see you are 'all better"

You work out....I take long scented bubble bathes to music
Interesting to see how we choose different ways to calmness.

Blessings

[jlo34]

((((((((((Skinner))))))))))),
Not much I can add that hasn't already been said...
Let your friends choose whether they want to hear you or not. It shouldn't be your decision as to whether "they deserve" to hear what's going on or not. Real friends, true friends want to be there...let them. Sponsor?!?

I can relate a lot with the ex. You don't have to stoop to his level. Try to keep your head until (at least) the kids and ex are out of earshot...then you call your true friend(s) and VENT!!!!!! Well, that's what I do!!!

Glad things are starting to look better... One of my sponsors use to tell me that it'll:
Get better
Get worse
Get real
Get real different!

Have a happy day, today!!!
Jen

[skinner]

Jen, Carol, Sheryl........thanks for your words. It's 7:35 am and soooooooo far my day is feeling better than yesterday!!

Ahhhhh, life, what a roller coaster it is!!

[Wisconsin_Al]

Hi Skinner

Your writing was not nonsensical but a sincere sharing of “where you are� today. But you were right on one thing; this too shall pass so long as you continue to take care of Skinner.

You’ve come to the right place and my sincerest wish for you in your new journeys.

[skinner]

Thanks Al........is't nice to hear that my mind just may NOT be as insane as I think it is!! Orrrrrrrrrrr IS it??? Hmmmmmmmm


Hehehe............a fantastic day to all of you good folks of SR!!!

[grumpy_b05]

Hi Skinner!

Glad to hear things are looking brighter! Your doing all the right things, keep your head up high you have a lot to be proud of!

[Chance]

Originally Posted by skinner

Thanks Al........is't nice to hear that my mind just may NOT be as insane as I think it is!! Orrrrrrrrrrr IS it??? Hmmmmmmmm


Hehehe............a fantastic day to all of you good folks of SR!!!

Usually when I hear that chit chat in my mind, the committee, or disease whatever in fact you want to call it, here lately I have been confronting it for the BS that it is. I have a thread in the Recovery Forum going called "Psst Vic That IS Your Disease>" It helps me to know that I have a choice today if I entertain it or not. If I in fact confront it I usually don't get into self pity but If I let it run wild in my head well I am headed for trouble then. Glad to see you here.

Love Vic

[fraankie]

boy, were you right


best
fraankie