I have a question? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ASpouse · 12-31-2005, 05:40 PM

My RAH and I had an argument/fight today. We were fighting about what we always fight about money. During this argument, he said to me that he blames the fact that he wasn't sober many years ago when this all started, that he was an alcoholic.

This struck me as odd that he would "blame" the alcohol for his not participating in financial things years ago that landed us where we are today.

It just seems to me that "blaming" the alcohol is a very un AA thing to do.

OK .... please correct me if I'm wrong, I can take it. I just need to be straightened out.

He's been in recovery 2 1/2 years and has been through and still does the program.

best · 12-31-2005, 05:51 PM

He is correct to a degree.

Not taking responsability for his actions while drinking but the fact that money went down the drain because of alcohol was a true-ism in my life as well.

I own it but as I said... to a degree the alcoholism was the reason.

It was yesterday. If I didn't learn from it and change my ways...today it would be a problem. Today we deal with...can't change yesterday.
My money problems today have nothing to do with alcohol.
I just spend when I shouldn't at times.

best · 12-31-2005, 05:54 PM

His actions were wrong but he was also blinded by the alcohol and poor judgement and habits. My actions were wrong...amends and change were needed. I own it to that degree.

ASpouse · 12-31-2005, 06:01 PM

Thanks Best for clarifying that for me. I suffer from spending when I shouldn't also, which is part of the problem, actually a big part of the problem.

best · 12-31-2005, 06:04 PM

I have a wife...I know *LOL*

My daughter gets a flat tire... Oh I will buy you a new tire.
Pull the nail and patch it.

But I do the same at times so I can't blame her for all of it.

velvet · 12-31-2005, 07:34 PM

This is only my opinion, mind you, but to me, it sounds like he is still not taking responsiblity for his drinking. He probably realizes, that he cannot blame someone, so he is blaming the alcohol, instead of himself. ?

Music · 12-31-2005, 08:36 PM

It's silly to blame a liquid in a bottle for my sad state of affairs. True, I drank but nobody ever poored the drink down my throat. After 21/2 years, I was keenly aware that my own actions played a huge part in my sad state of affairs in every part of my life, not just finances. There's no way I can change, what I don't acknowledge. It's time to be responsible and stop playing the blame game.

jmhs002 · 12-31-2005, 09:04 PM

I tend to agree w Music on this one. Alcohol may indeed have played a role in the financial trouble, but the bottle doesn't drink itself.

fraankie · 12-31-2005, 09:12 PM

I suffer from spending when I shouldn't also, which is part of the problem, actually a big part of the problem.

oh, gee whiz!
he blames the bottle
when he should be blaming you

he's arguing
but you are not?

This struck me as odd that he would "blame" the alcohol for his not participating in financial things years ago that landed us where we are today

it is odd he blames the bottle for not participating in financial things
but
you are the one who participated in finanancial things over the years
the financial things you participated in
was spending the money, i would imagine

he drank like a fish
and, you
instead of not drinking
you also not balanced the checkbook like a fish
not worked on a budget like a fish
not saved money like a fish
not not spent money like a fish
(double negative, get it)
now, that's a very un-fishy thing to do
as in, stupid

findingout · 01-01-2006, 04:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Music

It's silly to blame a liquid in a bottle for my sad state of affairs. True, I drank but nobody ever poored the drink down my throat. After 21/2 years, I was keenly aware that my own actions played a huge part in my sad state of affairs in every part of my life, not just finances. There's no way I can change, what I don't acknowledge. It's time to be responsible and stop playing the blame game.

Too true. I think if I could change just one tiny part of the readings we do at meetings, it would be "Remember we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful!" from How It Works. There is nothing cunning or baffling about a liquid in a bottle. Alcoholism , on the other hand, is cunning, baffling and powerful.

The fact that I am an alcoholic provides an explanation for my past behavior, not an excuse. Blaming anything or anybody for what happened in the past does nothing to change today and if I don't take responsibility for changing today, I have to expect and accept that tomorrow will be the same.

ASpouse · 01-01-2006, 05:13 AM

Thank you all, even Fraankie! I don't feel he is blaming me, but more blaming the alcohol that just doesn't feel right.

I feel, and I am not in AA nor an alcoholic, that he is missing something or interpreting it wrong. I'm sure he will work with sponsor on this one and if not, well I will continue to work my 12 steps.

Cap3 · 01-01-2006, 08:04 AM

BB time,,smile!!!!
So our troubles we think,
Are basically of our ,
"own",making.
They arise out of ourselves.
My drinking, had blurred my decisions,grant you,,
but it was i and i alone who drank,again,knowing,full well,the messes,i got myself into,,from,my previous drinking.,and the wacho decisions that i made when drunk/drinking.And yet i continued.....Not getting any kind of help.Yupper i am responsible.Drunk or sober.Its called insanity doing the same things over and over again.Expecting different results.

01-01-2006, 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Music

It's silly to blame a liquid in a bottle for my sad state of affairs. True, I drank but nobody ever poored the drink down my throat. After 21/2 years, I was keenly aware that my own actions played a huge part in my sad state of affairs in every part of my life, not just finances. There's no way I can change, what I don't acknowledge. It's time to be responsible and stop playing the blame game.

Yep.

Dan · 01-01-2006, 08:33 AM

Double yep.
Bill W. summed it up neatly for us drunks that like to play the blame game.
The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves.

FriendofBill · 01-01-2006, 08:48 AM

Thats why I always used to flip the monopoly board when I was losing and storm out of the room.

It wasnt my fault that I landed on Park Place and had to pay you rent. It was the dern dice that rolled the wrong numbers.

The numbers in life sometimes roll people a raw deal such as alcohlism, or in my case, al-a-nonism. What I chose to do with it is my responsiblity.

Ba Ba Oreilley · 01-01-2006, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASpouse

My RAH and I had an argument/fight today. We were fighting about what we always fight about money. During this argument, he said to me that he blames the fact that he wasn't sober many years ago when this all started, that he was an alcoholic.

This struck me as odd that he would "blame" the alcohol for his not participating in financial things years ago that landed us where we are today.

It just seems to me that "blaming" the alcohol is a very un AA thing to do.

OK .... please correct me if I'm wrong, I can take it. I just need to be straightened out.

READING COMPREHENSION 101

in your own words he never blamed the alcohol, he blames the fact that HE wasn't sober.

in the very next paragrapgh YOU BLAME the alcohol and the rest of the people run with it!

i try to remember that every story has three sides, mine, yours, and the TRUTH.

ASpouse · 01-01-2006, 12:47 PM

BaBa ... thank you. I see the error of my writings and how I misunderstood. Perhaps I should go back and take Reading Comprehension 101 again? <vbg>

Ba Ba Oreilley · 01-01-2006, 01:18 PM

what i try to do Judy, and i'm stressing try here, LMAO, is to not react to situations, instead take them in and see what is really hapening. sometimes people think i'm ignoring them, but i'd rather have that then for them to hear me lashing out with my first thought.

Gooch · 01-01-2006, 01:45 PM

Love your signature ASpouse

great reminder.

ASpouse · 01-01-2006, 02:10 PM

I like that signature line, but I heard one today in a Garth Brooks song that I thought was pretty cool

"Something ain't right, if nothing ain't wrong"!

12-31-2005, 05:40 PM	#1 (permalink)
ASpouse Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Sussex, NJ Posts: 1,331	I have a question? My RAH and I had an argument/fight today. We were fighting about what we always fight about money. During this argument, he said to me that he blames the fact that he wasn't sober many years ago when this all started, that he was an alcoholic. This struck me as odd that he would "blame" the alcohol for his not participating in financial things years ago that landed us where we are today. It just seems to me that "blaming" the alcohol is a very un AA thing to do. OK .... please correct me if I'm wrong, I can take it. I just need to be straightened out. He's been in recovery 2 1/2 years and has been through and still does the program.

12-31-2005, 05:51 PM	#2 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,166	He is correct to a degree. Not taking responsability for his actions while drinking but the fact that money went down the drain because of alcohol was a true-ism in my life as well. I own it but as I said... to a degree the alcoholism was the reason. It was yesterday. If I didn't learn from it and change my ways...today it would be a problem. Today we deal with...can't change yesterday. My money problems today have nothing to do with alcohol. I just spend when I shouldn't at times. __________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

12-31-2005, 05:54 PM	#3 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,166	His actions were wrong but he was also blinded by the alcohol and poor judgement and habits. My actions were wrong...amends and change were needed. I own it to that degree. __________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

12-31-2005, 06:04 PM	#5 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,166	I have a wife...I know LOL My daughter gets a flat tire... Oh I will buy you a new tire. Pull the nail and patch it. But I do the same at times so I can't blame her for all of it. __________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

12-31-2005, 07:34 PM	#6 (permalink)
velvet Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: ohio Posts: 367	This is only my opinion, mind you, but to me, it sounds like he is still not taking responsiblity for his drinking. He probably realizes, that he cannot blame someone, so he is blaming the alcohol, instead of himself. ? __________________ When one door of our journey in life closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

12-31-2005, 06:01 PM	#4 (permalink)
ASpouse Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Sussex, NJ Posts: 1,331	Thanks Best for clarifying that for me. I suffer from spending when I shouldn't also, which is part of the problem, actually a big part of the problem.

12-31-2005, 08:36 PM	#7 (permalink)
Music Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Zion, Illinois Posts: 2,529	It's silly to blame a liquid in a bottle for my sad state of affairs. True, I drank but nobody ever poored the drink down my throat. After 21/2 years, I was keenly aware that my own actions played a huge part in my sad state of affairs in every part of my life, not just finances. There's no way I can change, what I don't acknowledge. It's time to be responsible and stop playing the blame game. __________________

12-31-2005, 09:04 PM	#8 (permalink)
jmhs002 Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Minneapolis MN Posts: 404	I tend to agree w Music on this one. Alcohol may indeed have played a role in the financial trouble, but the bottle doesn't drink itself.

12-31-2005, 09:12 PM	#9 (permalink)
fraankie Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: brooklyn, new york Posts: 1,395	I suffer from spending when I shouldn't also, which is part of the problem, actually a big part of the problem. oh, gee whiz! he blames the bottle when he should be blaming you he's arguing but you are not? This struck me as odd that he would "blame" the alcohol for his not participating in financial things years ago that landed us where we are today it is odd he blames the bottle for not participating in financial things but you are the one who participated in finanancial things over the years the financial things you participated in was spending the money, i would imagine he drank like a fish and, you instead of not drinking you also not balanced the checkbook like a fish not worked on a budget like a fish not saved money like a fish not not spent money like a fish (double negative, get it) now, that's a very un-fishy thing to do as in, stupid

01-01-2006, 05:13 AM	#11 (permalink)
ASpouse Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Sussex, NJ Posts: 1,331	Thank you all, even Fraankie! I don't feel he is blaming me, but more blaming the alcohol that just doesn't feel right. I feel, and I am not in AA nor an alcoholic, that he is missing something or interpreting it wrong. I'm sure he will work with sponsor on this one and if not, well I will continue to work my 12 steps.

01-01-2006, 08:04 AM	#12 (permalink)
Cap3 Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 727	BB time,,smile!!!! So our troubles we think, Are basically of our , "own",making. They arise out of ourselves. My drinking, had blurred my decisions,grant you,, but it was i and i alone who drank,again,knowing,full well,the messes,i got myself into,,from,my previous drinking.,and the wacho decisions that i made when drunk/drinking.And yet i continued.....Not getting any kind of help.Yupper i am responsible.Drunk or sober.Its called insanity doing the same things over and over again.Expecting different results.

01-01-2006, 08:33 AM	#14 (permalink)
Dan Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 8,710	Double yep. Bill W. summed it up neatly for us drunks that like to play the blame game. The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves.

01-01-2006, 08:48 AM	#15 (permalink)
FriendofBill 1000 Post Club Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Recoveryville, USA Posts: 1,298	Thats why I always used to flip the monopoly board when I was losing and storm out of the room. It wasnt my fault that I landed on Park Place and had to pay you rent. It was the dern dice that rolled the wrong numbers. The numbers in life sometimes roll people a raw deal such as alcohlism, or in my case, al-a-nonism. What I chose to do with it is my responsiblity.

01-01-2006, 12:47 PM	#17 (permalink)
ASpouse Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Sussex, NJ Posts: 1,331	BaBa ... thank you. I see the error of my writings and how I misunderstood. Perhaps I should go back and take Reading Comprehension 101 again? <vbg>

01-01-2006, 01:18 PM	#18 (permalink)
Ba Ba Oreilley Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NYC NY Posts: 159	what i try to do Judy, and i'm stressing try here, LMAO, is to not react to situations, instead take them in and see what is really hapening. sometimes people think i'm ignoring them, but i'd rather have that then for them to hear me lashing out with my first thought. __________________ Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

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01-01-2006, 01:45 PM	#19 (permalink)
Gooch Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: out there... Posts: 2,654	Love your signature ASpouse great reminder.

01-01-2006, 02:10 PM	#20 (permalink)
ASpouse Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Sussex, NJ Posts: 1,331	I like that signature line, but I heard one today in a Garth Brooks song that I thought was pretty cool *"Something ain't right, if nothing ain't wrong"!*

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