Sex Meeting

[Little Missy]

Last Tuesday, the topic at the meeting was sex. This was very interesting and funny. One of the old timers said that was the shortest sentence in the BB. "Now about sex." LOL

In our drinking days, most of us have done things we are less then proud of. We talked about making amends to some, when it was appropriate, and having to work through the rest.

I use to use sex to control people. That's how I could make sure I got what I wanted in other areas of my life. We have a tendency to want to fill that void inside us. Sometimes we use sex to do that. I now know that when I have that empty feeling inside. I need to look inside myself to find the answer. Not outside, for others to fill it for me.

The need to feel loved is a strong one. This is not achieved by one night stands, IMO. Looking for that meaningful relationship, someone to share your life with, not just your bed.

I am grateful to have been married 6 years now and have a husband that has stuck by me through all my crap. We have 2 beautiful children and a open and loving relationship. Do we have sex? Not since I can remember. This is something we are working on. But that is not a huge priority in our life right now. It probably needs to be moved up on the priority list!!

Missy

[Five]

Sex is tricky.

Its also part of life - without the morals attached. Everyone I know, dry or drunk, addict or non addict, has seemed to have gone through periods of salivating dog syndrome, or up tight nun "dont touch" me period, its all about learning I guess.

Sex was great - especially when the other person enjoyed it as well.

I think repressing sex can cause people a head ache, and wildly following the impulse can sometimes cause heart ache.

Watch out for those who turn it into a moral thing; in my opinion they see sex as a dirty, grimy past time, and damaging for all involved - that should be reserved for hightened romance (and how often does THAT occur in peoples life? )

Balance.

[dizzyj]

Little Missy,
This is the first time i can remember having sex SOBER. It was interesting to say the least. I actually sweated, and not from the booze. When i first started trying to get sober i hated him, im really not sure why, other than he didn't need to drink to live or be happy. But I realize i made it this far because of him. You know what now that you brought it up and im thinking about it - it felt awesome.

[JaySee]

Not outside, for others to fill it for me.

My sponsor said to me, after the first year of sobriety I can have sex ..... after the second year I can have sex with someone else

In all seriousness, that is very good advice.

much love
JC

[dizzyj]

Jaysee don't say things like that i haven't even made thru the first month and your suggesting batteries.........

[JaySee]

I'm single (quelle surprise !!!) so yes, and male, so no batteries for me, just the five knuckle shuffle, but again in all seriousness, I see it happen with my own eyes. People in the fellowship, haven't been around that long, get involved with others in the fellowship, and when it all goes wrong (as it usually does) they drink. Single newbies should leave well alone.

"Under every skirt is a slip" (works for both males and females)

I don't know what the suggestion is for people in a long term relationship already .??

much love
JC

[dizzyj]

Actually Jaysee i cant tell you how long ive been with this guy - but he nows my family real well.. And i don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

[candycat]

i just found this thread very interesting , i have been with my partner for 1 1/2 years,in all that time i had sex sober bout 6 times, felt odd, scared and vunerble.

before i met him i fell into bad crowd who supplied me with dring daily all day and i got in to porn for 1 year never sober through it and i was used badly imm eveen in 5 films in the shops now.

i dont think i could of donre anyof it sober, im a shy person but drink made me powerfull.

my fionce now has helped me, feel more confident sex with him and i like it sober but still afriad, also he said he likes me more sober, im nicer lol .... 11 days sober now

[aasharon90]

Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

Good thread here with interesting thoughts from the above members.

I use s** as a weapon in my own life from day one. Trying to fill that emptiness and void feeling of rejection, low self-estemm, self-gradification and more. I remember hearing something as a child about if u dont get ur needs met at home or the home isnt a fun place to live then we seek our joys and fun somewheres else.

I for myself didnt get that love, reassurance, security at home, so i eventually began looking for it away from there. And thus in all the wrong people, places and things.

When u crave to be hugged, touched, kissed, understood, respected and u want it most from the people that brought u into the world and they dont come thru for u, then its pretty devistating. And so to drink to give me the courage to become more outgoing, prettier, sexier, fearless, really anything to give me that added boost of confidence.

And it worked for awhile till the drink stopped working for me. The guilt and shame became more powerful and i couldnt cope with those feelings. So to end my misery was a way out so i thought.

When i got sober 15 yrs ago and the fog cleared and i began to understand more about my disease i could see that i was still that vunerable little girl living in a big world
trying to be something that i wasnt. It is a scarry feeling. Now that i dont have that power of alcohol to help me cope im having to learn how to ask for what i need.

In my 24 yrs marriage, my husband met me when i was drinking but had no idea i was sick with this disease of alcoholism. I conned everyone including myself. He married a fun loving aggressive person. Willing to satisfy him on a whim. Now yrs later, sober, i have changed. I know know why i did the things i did at the time i was drinking. I know today i dont have to prentend anymore. To be something im not. But what happens to the person left standing there when these changes happen. Its not his fault i became an Alcoholic. Its not his fault he married one. Its not his fault i changes when i got sober. And so we r definitely unbalanced in our marriage. Unless the other person is willing to change along with us in recovery, then the strain of the relationship will continue.

For me as i continue on my journey, im realizing what is more important to me in my recovery. To be happy. And i want to be happy with someone who understand me. I want more of a spiritual relationship. Not that im a holy roly because im not....but just on a different plan than what i use to be on.

To grow old with someone where we both respect and understand each other. S** to me is important...but in a different way....holding hands, caring, sharing, walking hand and hand, the simple, romantic ways of life.

Is that too much to ask for?

Thanks for letting me share.

[fraankie]

good topic
it's like the booklet
"problems other than alcohol"
but
John Barleycorn was there to start with
whether it's finances, family, relationships, etc


best
fraankie

[Kasia9752]

For me Sex has always to include affection. I never could just share myself physically without it. Which meant that even drinking didn't help. The few times I tried I got rolled! LOL!!! And yet I worked as a call girl to support my drinking. However, there was almost no sex involved for I seemed land up with men who needed someone to listen and to cuddle and nothing else. HP was looking after me even then for I never, for the most part, drank on the "job."

Kasia

[brigid]

Originally Posted by aasharon90

When u crave to be hugged, touched, kissed, understood, respected and u want it most from the people that brought u into the world and they dont come thru for u, then its pretty devistating. And so to drink to give me the courage to become more outgoing, prettier, sexier, fearless, really anything to give me that added boost of confidence.

And I guess that is where the imbalance comes from. All these needs unmet and how do we try to meet them. Sex is just one. How much better is sex in a stable, loving, caring relationship.

I want to leave it until I can have a union with someone that is equal. I don't want to have sex with someone to fill some void anymore, I want to fill the void in more satisfying, lasting ways. Sex will just be cream on the top.

My husband and I have just separated, maybe permanently, maybe not. But I have changed and he is still somewhere I don't want to be anymore in some things. We have had loving and caring sex but not a lot of it at all. That really is not that important to me right now. What is important is to grow together, if we can't then one of us is hurting and that is not good.

When I focused on the lack of sex in the marriage I was focusing on the wrong issue.

love,
Brigid

[fraankie]

there is a SA
as in Sex Anonymous
wondering if there is quite a bit of relapsing,
sliping and sliding,
LOL


best
fraankie

[Kierra6]

hmm...funny how this topic keeps popping up for me...

suddenly finding people displaying an interest in my availability and having to come to terms with it. I was quite grumpy thinking, "jeez...I wasn't even flirting! WTF?!?" I had firmly decided, NO DATING, so I surely didn't want to come across as being open to the possibility.

That's the problem with this recovery business, being honest and open. If you're not careful, you'll let what's inside show and expose yourself.

Some folks find that very attractive...go figure. *shakes head*