Husband's dilemma re job - advice please?

[Sophia57]

Hi everyone
I've posted here before and got good advice. I'm married 2 years to my husband who's sober 13 years in AA.
In the time I've known him - about 6 years now - he's always had problems in work.
When he hit his rock bottom he lost his dream job in journalism and it nearly broke his heart and destroyed his confidence. I didn't know him in his drinking years (from age 19 to about 39) so have no experience of active drinking, just so you know.
He's now out sick with stress from the second job he's had since I know him, both well below his capability level. He was afraid to go back to the world of journalism and now, at 51, hasn't the confidence or qualifications they look for these days.
He may have to leave this job as he can't handle the very militaristic management style and the sick attitude of many of his colleagues. The shift hours are also really difficult for him.
I can't support both of us and his daughter, and pay the mortgage, but he's afraid he'll have a nervous breakdown if he stays. I've pleaded with him for so long now to retrain, or look for another job, but he keeps putting off doing anything. He's a terrible procrastinator at the best of times. Just coasts then gets all in a flap.
I don't really know what question I'm asking here. I don't care if he works in Macdonalds so long as he's content and we can get by. He has no idea what to do and is terrified he won't get another job. The anxiety is eating him up.
He's going to 2 meetings a day at the moment, which helps.
He has excellent skills but zero self-esteem and won't hear of counselling, as he says he's over all the horrendous stuff that happened in his life.
I've told him I'll back him all the way even if he never works again, tho it would be crippling financially. I just hate seeing him like this, he doesn't deserve it but seems incapable at the moment of any type of action or plan. He never plans anyway - everything is last minute/mind changed in our house and I mostly have learned to adapt to it as I can't change him.
I go to Alanon myself.
Any words of experience would be helpful
Thanks
Sophia

[Music]

Hi Sophia,
I'm retired military. I was in the navy for 25 years and there were times I didn't like the military way of doing things or the people that I worked with/for but I kept one thing in mind. Retiring!! I didn't like the hours either. Sometimes weeks or months at sea and away from my family, but I made a choice. That's what involved here. CHOICE! Your husband can either continue on the way he is or make a choice to move on. And, he does deserve what he gets. We all receive what we deserve according to the choices we make. You may think he's a real nice guy and doesn't deserve to be in his situation. He may be a nice guy but he made some choices. He has several choices here as I see it but he needs to make a decision. He reminds me of my wife. She has jumped from job to job throughout her life and our marriage, and I've always supported her without telling her what choices to make, while taking care of myself and my attitude so that we both aren't messed up. I'm the type that finds a niche and sticks to it. I don't like jumping around, regardless of the hours, people, policies, etc. Funny thing is I'm the one with the retirement and my wife has nothing because she's never stayed anywhere long enough to earn benefits. Go figure. I'd suggest being supportive but letting him sort things out. Unless he asks, don't discuss the problem 'cause it adds to the fire. Things have a way of working out, sometimes for the better but it takes faith on your part that he'll eventually do what he needs to do.

[Sophia57]

Thanks for your reply Music.
I'm a bit like yourself - I stick with jobs and probably will stay in this one that I've worked and studied hard for till I retire.
You're lucky (I'm assuming now you're a recovering alcoholic) that your drinking never lost you your job and that you had the strength of character to keep that focus of retirement.
Unfortunately my husband doesn't know what he wants to do and is afraid his age is against him. I've taken a 'hands-off' approach to the problem since I started reading Alanon literature. I don't plead with him anymore, I let him bring it up. It's just at the moment he's at home miserable and stressed and riddled with anxiety.
Like your wife he has no pension to look forward to.
I guess i just need to talk to others and be told it will work out, that he won't have a nervous breakdown (now I sound silly, who can assure anyone of that?), and that we'll manage financially.
At the back of my mind I suppose there's always the thought that if it all gets too much he'll drink.

[jlo34]

When I was reading your post, reminded me of this...

Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. It's one of the promises in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Working a good program, that's true. I was making the "most" money, got hurt on the job, job screwed me over, still healing almost 1 1/2 years later... and you know what, we're making it. My hubby, 2 young children and I (also 2 kittens and a hamster!). My hubby doesn't make a ton of money - I didn't make a ton of money. Right before the injury - ended up buying a house and updated both of our cars. Seems like a check came from somewhere when it came right down to it. My secret, pray and have faith - knowing that I was doing the best I could. Hard to do, but the more you practice the better you get at it.

I can't spend my time "worrying" about the what ifs... don't get me wrong; I've done that before (not all that long ago). My sponsor has bugged me about doing "mini" 4th steps; doing fear 4th steps. So, one day, I was feeling particularly overwhelmed - while waiting for my little one to be done at preschool, pulled into Walmart parking lot, grabbed the notebook I keep under my seat, and started writing. Ended up I had 2 pages full of fear. I never could have guessed. Just seeing it in black and white really helped me put a lot of those fears into context. Additionally, I made the choice to pray over them (doing a 6/7th steps) and then letting go of the fear. Worked well for me.

Just a few thoughts. Good luck.
Jen

[UrbanFool]

Y'know journalism is something you can do while you're doing something else. He needs to work at it to gain confidence. (Yeah, I should talk --with a $1200 sewing machine sitting unused for the same reason.) He could take classes at the community college or adult ed and get himself into the swing. That would probably even make his job easier to bear.

Kelly

[Sophia57]

Thanks everyone for your good wishes and suggestions.
Unfortunately, UrbanFool, the shifts my husband works means he can't commit to any classes cos they change from week to week.
There's lots of barriers in his way but the biggest one as I see it is his fear of failure and lack of self -worth.
He's afraid to take any action so just puts it off. He says he'll look for other jobs, but doesn't and then goes back to work after being out with stress, until the next time when it all builds up again.
I'm really sounding negative I know but this is a bit of a vent for me too.
I'll really try to have more faith.

[jlo34]

So....
You suggest that he do a mini 4th step on his fear.

You also do your own mini 4th step on your fear.

Then perhaps, the two of you can sit down and talk about it. Perhaps come to some type of resolution. My husband has a bit of the same type of problem. He has a serious fear of failure. So, he's stuck at a job that he doesn't like...wishing to do something else (wouldn't take too much work to do it either) and being miserable. Losing the opportunity to wake up with excitement of going to work.

My philosophy is if you aren't excited about going to work; it's not worth doing and you should keep looking. There's always going to be some type of road block or obstacle, a time and place where you're going to have to be vulnerable; that's just the way the world is. If you don't take the chance, you live to regret it.

I had a sponsor that use to tell me: "The only regrets I've had in my life, were the chances that I was too afraid to take". Makes a whole lot of sense to me... Sounds like it may apply to your husband as well.

Jen

[Sophia57]

Thanks , Jen
I know he's working on his fear now as we've spoken about it and he told me last night he feels he's coming out the other side of the anxiety, but has a horror of being unemployed.
Has your husband accepted his job, even tho it makes him miserable? Does he not bring all the bad moods and irritability home with him? This is what I've found hard to bear day in day out, diatribes about X or Y in work, with no resolution or plan to change anything.
I'm hoping this is a turning point for him and he can actually reach a place where he doesn't fear taking action.
It's hard for me to understand cos I've always been a doer ( not a saint, I can procrastinate with the best of them!) but I'd be writing up my cv and taking steps to change things. I've had to be very patient listening to the endless complaining - just venting with no payoff.
I haven't worked the steps myself yet, only a beginner, so I'd be interested to know how you do a 'mini' step?
Sophia

[brigid]

Maybe your husband needs to detach from the problems at work. Not take them on board, easier said than done I know, but sometimes we have to remember that problems are not always ours, they are other peoples. Just because people vent in our vicinity or have problems around us, doesn't mean we have to do something, or even worry about it. I know that a few people at my work and my children find it easier to cope with things when I say to them that it is such and such's problem, they are the ones with the issues. Anyway talking is good, gives him a chance to say stuff and work it out, I sure hope you will get benefit in the end.

Cheers,
brigid

[Music]

Misery is optional. If I'm tied down with people doing hurtful, painful things to me beyond my control, to be miserable is to be expected. However, if my misery is caused by my attitude about who I am, what I am, where I'm at and what I'm doing, the misery is optional. There's way to deal with these things. I just have to find what works and work it. I've always been told, and today I believe that fear is the absence of faith. If I pray, I don't need to be afraid. If I find some payoff in being afraid, I won't pray. I've known people who love being miserable becaue it gets them attention. They do nothing but sit and bitch. We all have choices. I can choose to go to work and make the best of it or I can look for the problems at every turn and be miserable. In the end, I get what I deserve.

[fraankie]

13 years sober?
it may be time to put more effort into the program

[Sophia57]

Thanks, guys.
Fraankie - he's going to 2 meetings a day now he's off sick and is trying online meetings too.
I can't tell him he needs to put more effort into the program - it's not my place, is it? Maybe he does need to - but how? His self-esteem is so low, he was very down over the weekend, only time he sounded strong was when he was talking on the phone to another member he's helping thru a bad time.
I'm trying to stay upbeat and take it one day at a time but i don't know what else I can do.

[Kurt]

Try to accomplish things one at a time.........seems like your overwhelmed. Make a list of tasks & accomplished goals & prioritize. One at a time!!

[Gr8ful1]

Have him read bottom of page 48 in the 12x12:

"For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress."

I've been there. I'm only 33. From your last post Sophia, maybe he would do well as a couselor. My father completely changed careers from Construction to D&A counseling when he was in his late forties (he has 25 years sober).

Good luck, stay strong.