AA -- why we need each other... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

NoMoBeer · 10-29-2005, 09:59 PM

I was earlier excited to race tomorrow. Things changed at home, ugly, emotional, accusing to me, bottom line -- I was close to a drink, and I knew it. I just wanted to check out -- f#ck triathlon, f#ck sobriety, just get me the hell out of here.... Had the car keys, walking out to the car.... thank God I had my cell phone.

Talked to my sponsor. With AA, I always have someone to call before I make that mistake. We talked, I cried. He got me through not wanting to drink, and not feeling like I'm a piece of sh!t. I got on my knees and prayed. I hope I make it through tonight, and hope I actually do my race tomorrow. I've prepped so much in time and money and physical training, but an emotional derailing can have so much power to us Alkies... Thank God for my sponsor, and thank God for AA.

I am going to bed sober. By the Grace of God....

I love you all...

Ken

Dan · 10-29-2005, 10:02 PM

By the skin of the teeth, sometimes...
Love you too, Ken.

**Peter** · 10-29-2005, 10:09 PM

Proof again that fellowship works.

I love it.

Good luck on your race tomorrow.

Sobriety first, everything else is just trimmings.

brigid · 10-30-2005, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoBeer

I've prepped so much in time and money and physical training, but an emotional derailing can have so much power to us Alkies...

We are really emotional people! I feel like that is one of the biggest things, biggest danger for us and one of our best qualities (is it empathy Dan?). I remember so many of my feelings about things going way back.

Good luck in the triathlon NoMoBeer! I am aiming to get back to jogging in a few weeks time and can't wait, such a good feeling.

Lots of love

FriendofBill · 10-30-2005, 05:14 AM

Ah Ken...what a refeshing breath of recovery you are.

You are working your program, my friend. Thanks for sharing the problem, and more importantly, the solution.

Good luck racing today,,,btw...your already winning the *important* race...

collinsmi · 10-30-2005, 05:22 AM

Good luck in the race, and I'm glad you didn't pick up!!!!

Chy · 10-30-2005, 05:40 AM

You've put a lot of demands on yourself no matter how well intended and sometimes we just break and have those meltdowns. Your going to be okay, you did the right thing by calling your sponsor. Good luck on the race today and when it's over think about taking a little chill time, program time, step time.

It's what get's me back to a happy place. *hugs*

jlo34 · 10-30-2005, 07:05 AM

Cunning, baffling, powerful. That's our disease - add patient and persistent too.

Ken, I've found myself in that same mind-frame. You did what was right - you went back to step one and concentrated on "we" by calling your sponsor.

It's scary being in those shoes - "knowing" what is right and what we "ought" to do vs how we feel.

Grateful you are drawing more sober breaths this AM - hoping you do well in your triathlon. With God's love shining down on you and our love encircling you - you'll do great!

Love ya, Ken,
Jen

NoMoBeer · 10-30-2005, 01:47 PM

Well, here's how to go from elation to depression in about a minute.

I finished my race, and was feeling so grateful... hanging out, enjoying the day. I called my wife with the intent on saying how much I thought of her on the run, and I really want us to work things out....

Well, apparently she found my Fourth Step Inventory while I was at my race.... Now I've never cheated on my wife, but I've done some things to hurt her, I consider flirting and "almost" going there as hurtful, so they were on my inventory. Bottom line -- she thinks I have cheated on her and told me "I'm going down for this..." Not sure where things are going, but I feel very humiliated and hurt... I didn't have a pretty past before her either, and I just feel very violated....

I am still going to my 5:30 meeting tonight for my one year birthday, I guess I won't be at a loss of things to talk about when I chair!!!!

Oh, and I did survive my race. It hurt like hell for 3 hours and 19 minutes, but I made it through. I was so grateful on my bike and run for God giving me this gift -- being sober and physically capable enough to do this.

Rest of the day should prove interesting....

Ken

Little Missy · 10-30-2005, 03:45 PM

((Ken)) Glad you made it through the race!! That is wonderful!!

I'm sorry to hear about your wife reading your 4th step. I too would feel violated. IMO, those things listed are a huge part of your recovery. It had to be done. I kept the more personal things with me until I could do my 5th and then got rid of them.

If she felt she had a right to read them, then she will have to learn how to deal with them. It sounds like you were trying to work things out. Trust is a very hard thing to regain!! My husband and I still work on that daily!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let this mess up your sobriety. These things listed are part of your past. Things you probably wouldn't have done if you were sober. That's the thing. You are trying to better your life, so you can have a better life with your wife. I hope she understands, but many don't. Does she go to Al-anon? I don't know where my husband and I would be if it wasn't for that and AA!!

You're in my prayers,
Missy

Gabe · 10-30-2005, 04:37 PM

Ken...

That's all, just

2dayzmuse · 10-30-2005, 05:04 PM

(((Ken)))

The last few days have been very trying, but you got through them sober. You did what you were supposed to do and followed through on your race. Kudos to you. You will get through the days that follow no matter what it is you may face. Keep the faith. It works if you work it. Take care...

brigid · 10-30-2005, 07:23 PM

Congrats on the race, congrats on the staying sober, congrats on the year.

Stay patient with your wife, give her time, reassure her ... she will be ok in time. Vent at the meeting! It may be a really good thing to clear up some issues, then move on, she may have been wondering, you two may just end up closer.

My husband accused me recently and I stayed calm and told him I just wouldn't do that to him, I am sure it made him feel better and he could believe me because I didn't explode at him (felt like it but I held it back).

Good luck, relationships are challenging.
Brigid

fraankie · 10-30-2005, 08:50 PM

you're a winner
sometimes
it's one minute at a time

best
fraankie

hopealwayz · 10-30-2005, 09:14 PM

((((Ken)))))

**CarolD** · 10-30-2005, 10:07 PM

Prayers and Hugs Ken....

Dan · 10-31-2005, 02:14 AM

Ken...
A fearless inventory is just that.
You have the tools, because you did your fourth step as suggested, to find your path through this time with grace and honor.

jlo34 · 10-31-2005, 05:57 AM

(((((((((((Ken)))))))))),

Hoping and praying things work out.

Get down on your knees and ask for guidance.

God wasn't with you all this time to just drop you off and let you flounder by yourself.

Love ya,
Jen

fraankie · 10-31-2005, 10:15 AM

looking forward to reading aboout your next race

dizzyj · 11-02-2005, 10:18 AM

Hi Guys

Isn't it the greatest thingy in the world?

Knowing that there are others around who care!

1_day@_a_time · 11-02-2005, 02:29 PM

Ken, wondering how you are doing!

For the record, I got sober a few yrs ago when my 20+ yr marriage unraveled.

If I can help in any way, PM me.

Tom

NoMoBeer · 11-03-2005, 02:23 PM

Thanks for the replies, everyone... I'm doing OK. Wife and I are talking and I'm sure it's a long road ahead -- but it's a long road one day at a time for sure.

My race went great, haven't written a race report yet. I'm done for the season, so just doing some maintenance workouts this week, then start aerobic base building again in a couple of weeks -- no rest for the weary!

I've been trying to keep my program strong, unfortunately my sponsor is in the hospital -- he had a liver transplant a while back and just got an infection -- I had to yell at him and tell him he's pushing too hard!

All in all things are well, it truly is a one day at a time thing...

Ken

10-29-2005, 09:59 PM	#1 (permalink)
NoMoBeer Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Arizona Posts: 872	AA -- why we need each other... I was earlier excited to race tomorrow. Things changed at home, ugly, emotional, accusing to me, bottom line -- I was close to a drink, and I knew it. I just wanted to check out -- f#ck triathlon, f#ck sobriety, just get me the hell out of here.... Had the car keys, walking out to the car.... thank God I had my cell phone. Talked to my sponsor. With AA, I always have someone to call before I make that mistake. We talked, I cried. He got me through not wanting to drink, and not feeling like I'm a piece of sh!t. I got on my knees and prayed. I hope I make it through tonight, and hope I actually do my race tomorrow. I've prepped so much in time and money and physical training, but an emotional derailing can have so much power to us Alkies... Thank God for my sponsor, and thank God for AA. I am going to bed sober. By the Grace of God.... I love you all... Ken __________________ "Run with endurance the race God has set out before you..." -- Hebrews 12

10-29-2005, 10:09 PM	#3 (permalink)
Peter Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Leaving Sparta Posts: 2,742	Proof again that fellowship works. I love it. Good luck on your race tomorrow. Sobriety first, everything else is just trimmings. __________________ I shall pass this way but once, therefore, whatever good I might do, Let me do it now, for I will never pass this way again. UNKNOWN POET

10-30-2005, 05:22 AM	#6 (permalink)
collinsmi Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Colorado Springs CO Posts: 881	Good luck in the race, and I'm glad you didn't pick up!!!! __________________ "I was violating my standards faster than I could lower them!"

10-30-2005, 01:47 PM	#9 (permalink)
NoMoBeer Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Arizona Posts: 872	Well, here's how to go from elation to depression in about a minute. I finished my race, and was feeling so grateful... hanging out, enjoying the day. I called my wife with the intent on saying how much I thought of her on the run, and I really want us to work things out.... Well, apparently she found my Fourth Step Inventory while I was at my race.... Now I've never cheated on my wife, but I've done some things to hurt her, I consider flirting and "almost" going there as hurtful, so they were on my inventory. Bottom line -- she thinks I have cheated on her and told me "I'm going down for this..." Not sure where things are going, but I feel very humiliated and hurt... I didn't have a pretty past before her either, and I just feel very violated.... I am still going to my 5:30 meeting tonight for my one year birthday, I guess I won't be at a loss of things to talk about when I chair!!!! Oh, and I did survive my race. It hurt like hell for 3 hours and 19 minutes, but I made it through. I was so grateful on my bike and run for God giving me this gift -- being sober and physically capable enough to do this. Rest of the day should prove interesting.... Ken __________________ "Run with endurance the race God has set out before you..." -- Hebrews 12

10-30-2005, 03:45 PM	#10 (permalink)
Little Missy NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know! Posts: 1,831	((Ken)) Glad you made it through the race!! That is wonderful!! I'm sorry to hear about your wife reading your 4th step. I too would feel violated. IMO, those things listed are a huge part of your recovery. It had to be done. I kept the more personal things with me until I could do my 5th and then got rid of them. If she felt she had a right to read them, then she will have to learn how to deal with them. It sounds like you were trying to work things out. Trust is a very hard thing to regain!! My husband and I still work on that daily!! I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let this mess up your sobriety. These things listed are part of your past. Things you probably wouldn't have done if you were sober. That's the thing. You are trying to better your life, so you can have a better life with your wife. I hope she understands, but many don't. Does she go to Al-anon? I don't know where my husband and I would be if it wasn't for that and AA!! You're in my prayers, Missy __________________ May all your days be filled with love and laughter!

10-29-2005, 10:02 PM	#2 (permalink)
Dan Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 8,723	By the skin of the teeth, sometimes... Love you too, Ken.

10-30-2005, 05:14 AM	#5 (permalink)
FriendofBill 1000 Post Club Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Recoveryville, USA Posts: 1,296	Ah Ken...what a refeshing breath of recovery you are. You are working your program, my friend. Thanks for sharing the problem, and more importantly, the solution. Good luck racing today,,,btw...your already winning the important race...

10-30-2005, 05:40 AM	#7 (permalink)
Chy Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx Posts: 5,877	You've put a lot of demands on yourself no matter how well intended and sometimes we just break and have those meltdowns. Your going to be okay, you did the right thing by calling your sponsor. Good luck on the race today and when it's over think about taking a little chill time, program time, step time. It's what get's me back to a happy place. hugs

10-30-2005, 07:05 AM	#8 (permalink)
jlo34 Grateful recovering alcoholic Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Blissfield, MI Posts: 816	Cunning, baffling, powerful. That's our disease - add patient and persistent too. Ken, I've found myself in that same mind-frame. You did what was right - you went back to step one and concentrated on "we" by calling your sponsor. It's scary being in those shoes - "knowing" what is right and what we "ought" to do vs how we feel. Grateful you are drawing more sober breaths this AM - hoping you do well in your triathlon. With God's love shining down on you and our love encircling you - you'll do great! Love ya, Ken, Jen

10-30-2005, 04:37 PM	#11 (permalink)
Gabe Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 4,959	Ken... That's all, just

10-30-2005, 05:04 PM	#12 (permalink)
2dayzmuse Paused Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Washington Posts: 5,083	(((Ken))) The last few days have been very trying, but you got through them sober. You did what you were supposed to do and followed through on your race. Kudos to you. You will get through the days that follow no matter what it is you may face. Keep the faith. It works if you work it. Take care...

10-30-2005, 07:23 PM	#13 (permalink)
brigid body ~ mind ~ spirit Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Geelong, Australia Posts: 582	Congrats on the race, congrats on the staying sober, congrats on the year. Stay patient with your wife, give her time, reassure her ... she will be ok in time. Vent at the meeting! It may be a really good thing to clear up some issues, then move on, she may have been wondering, you two may just end up closer. My husband accused me recently and I stayed calm and told him I just wouldn't do that to him, I am sure it made him feel better and he could believe me because I didn't explode at him (felt like it but I held it back). Good luck, relationships are challenging. Brigid __________________ Love is ....

10-30-2005, 08:50 PM	#14 (permalink)
fraankie Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: brooklyn, new york Posts: 1,423	you're a winner sometimes it's one minute at a time best fraankie

10-30-2005, 09:14 PM	#15 (permalink)
hopealwayz Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: somewhere Posts: 3,513	((((Ken))))) __________________

10-30-2005, 10:07 PM	#16 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 21,904	Prayers and Hugs Ken.... __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery! :

10-31-2005, 02:14 AM	#17 (permalink)
Dan Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 8,723	Ken... A fearless inventory is just that. You have the tools, because you did your fourth step as suggested, to find your path through this time with grace and honor.

10-31-2005, 05:57 AM	#18 (permalink)
jlo34 Grateful recovering alcoholic Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Blissfield, MI Posts: 816	(((((((((((Ken)))))))))), Hoping and praying things work out. Get down on your knees and ask for guidance. God wasn't with you all this time to just drop you off and let you flounder by yourself. Love ya, Jen

10-31-2005, 10:15 AM	#19 (permalink)
fraankie Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: brooklyn, new york Posts: 1,423	looking forward to reading aboout your next race

11-02-2005, 10:18 AM	#20 (permalink)
dizzyj Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: grand jct, co Posts: 197	Hi Guys Isn't it the greatest thingy in the world? Knowing that there are others around who care! __________________ dizzyj What happens to the unanswered prayers???

11-02-2005, 02:29 PM	#21 (permalink)
1_day@_a_time Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: Pasadena, CA Posts: 1,258	Ken, wondering how you are doing! For the record, I got sober a few yrs ago when my 20+ yr marriage unraveled. If I can help in any way, PM me. Tom __________________ "A A's 12 Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in nature, which if practiced* as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink/think and enable the sufferer to be happily & usefully whole"* "Calmness is trust in action"

11-03-2005, 02:23 PM	#22 (permalink)
NoMoBeer Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Arizona Posts: 872	Thanks for the replies, everyone... I'm doing OK. Wife and I are talking and I'm sure it's a long road ahead -- but it's a long road one day at a time for sure. My race went great, haven't written a race report yet. I'm done for the season, so just doing some maintenance workouts this week, then start aerobic base building again in a couple of weeks -- no rest for the weary! I've been trying to keep my program strong, unfortunately my sponsor is in the hospital -- he had a liver transplant a while back and just got an infection -- I had to yell at him and tell him he's pushing too hard! All in all things are well, it truly is a one day at a time thing... Ken __________________ "Run with endurance the race God has set out before you..." -- Hebrews 12

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