To tell the truth or not

[dogman11]

I have been sober going on a year. My marriage is in a mess now, worse than when I was drinking.
I had affairs while I was drinking. I told my wife of one after recovery and she was devestated, I regret what I did and the pain I caused her a great deal.
Here lies the problem. When I told her of the affair, two weeks after I got out of treatment, I really had no choice, it was obvious. Well I was still in a fog so to speak, backed in a corner and confessed, but I lied. I told her it was a one time thing, a one night stand and that it was the only time. She found out later it was a one year long affair with many encounters and I saw this woman daily at work. She seems to be more upset by the lies than the affair and I guess I can understand that.
Well, she has found out about another, but I refuse to discuss it with her. She has ask me if it is true and I have lied repeatedly saying it isn't true and I never had a relationship with the woman, when in fact I did. She doesn't believe me, tells me she doesn't and is ready to leave the relationship because she feels I can never be honest with her.
This is an honesty program, but then there is step 9 which says not to tell if it will do harm. OK, how do I be honest and follow step 9 at the same time. I just want my past to be in the past. She says it isn't the past for her, it is the present and if I can not tell her the truth she will have to end the relationship. I have lied to her about this relationship and she is unaware of several others during our marriage. Do I tell her the truth or maintain the deception in order not to hurt her anymore. Is not telling her the truth hurting her more than the truth would.
I am really confused here, can you all give me some insight. Has anyone else been in this position? It is a mess and I really have to decide what to do soon.

[Cap3]

12n12,page,86,may be helpful to you..
Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser,earnestly asking Gods help and guidence-meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear,cost what it may?Of course there is no pat answer which can fit all such dilemmas.But all of the do require a complete willingness to make as fast and as far as may be possible in a given set of conditions.
Above all,we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid.For the readiness to take full consequences of our past acts,and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time is the very spirit of step 9.
Deception has always hurt me,inside,and this grows.I dont ,have to drag another persons name into it,or who they are.This i would be harming them.
My prayers are with you both.

[chipperchan]

A tricky one! I am a woman and was unfaithful to my husband.When in treatment, I was told NOT to fess up as it would hurt! However my husband had no idea. If your wife is just guessing then it is best I think to say that nothing happened but that you were friends (perhaps?) Bend the truth. However if she does know in the back of her mind, then perhaps you should tell her as lying is the worst. When not sober, you did things that you deeply regret. I feel for you it is a difficult situation when the program is about HONESTY

[minnie]

it is best I think to say that nothing happened but that you were friends (perhaps?)

Are you serious? I honestly can't believe that I just read that.

Dogman - instead of YOU deciding what amends to make to your wife, have you tried asking her what amends SHE would like? And then doing them, instead of trying to justify and explain away your behaviour under the veil of "except whento do so would hurt them on others".

I'm walking away from this thread now - I have a feeling it might explode.

[dogman11]

Originally Posted by chipperchan

If your wife is just guessing then it is best I think to say that nothing happened but that you were friends (perhaps?)

She is right on the money, she knows, and she wants me to be honest and admit it. I fear a second long term affair with a woman I work with will end the relationship, but I fear if I don't tell her, the relationship will end. Between a rock and a hard place.

[pmaslan]

Since you claim to be working and "honesty" program whats the question...
Be honest with her, give her the choice to forgive and forget or leave....give her the same choices you had when you decided to cheat on her.....IMHO

[michski]

oohhhh.. tough one indeed.

I can't help but agree with Minnie. It's best to let your wife know how ashamed you are of the things you did when you were out there and ask her how in the world you can make it up to her.
Maybe she'll surprise you.. love is full of surprises and it (LOVE) does heal all.

[minnie]

I fear a second long term affair with a woman I work with will end the relationship

Erm, tough. You've already done it, you just haven't admitted it. There's no rock and a hard place for you - that's where your wife is sitting.

Do her a favour, for once, and put your cards on the table. Let her make the decision she needs to make.

[fraankie]

DON'T SAY NOTHING
start getting your life in order
go to meetings
share about it
share with your sponsor
and
just tell her you are not ready to discuss it

hopefully, she will see by your example
that you are changing
also,
help around the house
do the dishes
housework
going to church togehter
vacuum, vacuum, vacuum
take her to dinner
if you still want her
romance her without any sort of giveback

let her know there will come a time to hash this out
but
try to rebuild your relationship
and
show her you are changing

[Gooch]

Originally Posted by dogman11

She seems to be more upset by the lies than the affair

I don't know that you can understand that unless you have been on the recieving end.

I can still trust a person who has been honest even though i may not be happy about their choices. THey may at some point begin to make the kind of choices I might be happier with. How do you ever trust a liar when they say "I'll be honest with you" ?

I have to watch their actions and even the slightest discrepancy of word and deed tells me what I need to know.

honesty is a hallmark of integrity.

[requiredfield]

Have you asked your sponsor?

[dogman11]

Originally Posted by requiredfield

Have you asked your sponsor?

he (my sponsor) tells me to pray about it.

my counselor in treatment said it was my personal business and that I wasn't under any obligation to tell her anything.

[Gooch]

Originally Posted by dogman11

he (my sponsor) tells me to pray about it.

my counselor in treatment said it was my personal business and that I wasn't under any obligation to tell her anything.

Your counselor in treatment? did they go on to mention.... "as long as you are prepared to live with the cosequences of your actions"?


as an example this discussion, this soul searching, is in effect a part of the consequences of your choosing to have that affair in the first place.

choose prayerfully, carefully, thoughtfully, generously, and believe that your decision has been for the best, then live with the outcome with no regrets.

[pmaslan]

Wow this is the second time I have heard that a couselor said "it is your personal business and you are not obligated to tell her (your spouse.) Where the heck do you people find such idiots.....I still feel when you are married it's both your business when it comes to sex and matters of the heart.....I would want to know if my spouse "decided" he wanted to bring someone else into the mix....Harleygirl...you'd love this one!!!!

[Cynay]

OUCH!!!!

Well, I can only tell you from my experience. Im the one that was cheated on and Im the one that was lied to about it. None of my business????? if you think for one moment that being physical with another women and then coming to me and being physical with me is none of my business your NUTS.... that is my business, I should have been given a choice.

Now .. to be fair he finally did tell me the truth, I not only wanted to know how long the affair lasted but who it was etc... I found out that is was after he was in AA and with another in the "fellowship" ... if I had not known and everyone around us did and I found out... that would have been a deal breaker. I would have been so embarrased and felt like I was left out in the dark. When he told me it hurt like HELL... but, with alot of conversation, working my own program, etc... well I was able to forgive him. I tryed to work it out with him (he was 6 months sober at the time) but he just could not be honest with himself and he could not committ... so it did not work out but at least I dont have to wonder when I go to meetings who she was.... I know and I dont blame her either.

If your telling her that your being honest and not walking the walk then your still lying. If your lying there is NO chance that it will work out IMHO.... I needed to be able to trust him and know the truths. I did not want a relationship based on what he thought was best for me! That is my choice and decision. If I do something wrong to mess up a relationship and they choose to end it... I have to pay the price.

Take what you like and leave the rest but how does one stay sober if they FAKE working the steps????

[Irish Virus]

I agree with Minnie that you are hiding under the veil of "except when to do so would hurt them on others". The only person you are worried about hurting is yourself. Probably your checkbook when she takes your cheating @$$ to court.

I see no remorse for your actions in your post. Only that you fessed up when backed into a corner. You state if you come clean "the relationship will end. Between a rock and a hard place". That's where you fear you will end up IMO and rightfully so.

[harleygirl92156]

Originally Posted by pmaslan

Wow this is the second time I have heard that a couselor said "it is your personal business and you are not obligated to tell her (your spouse.) Where the heck do you people find such idiots.....I still feel when you are married it's both your business when it comes to sex and matters of the heart.....I would want to know if my spouse "decided" he wanted to bring someone else into the mix....Harleygirl...you'd love this one!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!! If my hubby knew how to turn on a computer let alone figure out how to post (impossible) I would swear this was him!!

DOGMAN ......TELL HER THE FRICKIN' TRUTH AND FACE IT LIKE A MAN. QUITE HIDING BEHIND THE 9TH STEP! YOU DID IT TO HER NOW MAKE IT RIGHT WITH HER. IF SHE STAYS OR GOES IS UP TO HER, BUT SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO "ALL" THE "TRUE" FACTS BEFORE SHE MAKES THAT DECISION.
I know in my case, I would have stayed if he COULD have been honest. Instead I had to hear it on the street. NOT THE BEST WAY TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH.
Let her decide for herself what is best for her. Who died an mad you God? Just because you got sober, you are not know all, see all!!! She has put up with you through the bad times and she deserves you to commit and be honest with her if there is a chance in he$$ for the relationship to work.
I can tell you for sure it won't if you aren't honest!
Get after it and do it with compassion and regret, but DO IT NOW!

[FriendofBill]

Harley,,its funny that his location is Iowa, and so is yours...and that you had posted a long thread not long ago on this very subject....

coincidence?

[harleygirl92156]

Originally Posted by FriendofBill

Harley,,its funny that his location is Iowa, and so is yours...and that you had posted a long thread not long ago on this very subject....

coincidence?

totally! I swore when I read it that it had to be my hubby, but like I said the man can't even figure out how to turn on a computer. He would have had to ask someone else to help him do it and he would never do that regarding this subject.
Now I wonder if he had the same counselor my hubby had. This is bizzare.

[fraankie]

you know we all have our own experiences in life
and
to put things in perspective
it's nice to have a place here
to post for help or give help or just LOL
but
i would not make a life altering decision
based on anything posted here by anyone
those enticing you to fess up
or, like me, to shut up
have their own agendas
and
some have no experience at all with this
can post a solution
but
is it worth anything

something i just noticed is your tag say a lot
DOGMAN11
but
it's still your life
so
take what you want
and leave the rest

a majot point of the program is
"no major changes in the first year"
so
it's quite possible to confess a lifetime of cheating
would cause that

change and go on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fraankie

Telling the truth is the best thing to do, and that will do alot for you. Tell the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.

[fraankie]

well, doug
really good suggestion
when your marriage isn't on the line

let the chips fall where they may
as in, life is a poker game

maybe you can liven up the thread
with a personal experience of your
letting the chips fall where they may


best
fraankie

[Peter]

I agree with Doug.

Dogman tell the truth.

Your wife is already injured so the 9th Step clause is a little redundant at this point.

She already knows you did it. She needs to hear you say it and take responsibility for it.

There are consequences to our actions Dogman. Even if your wife stays with you you will always have to face the challenge of regaining her trust and that may be a long hard road. This is what it means to be sober. It is facing our responsibilties and dealing with the realities of life.

[Minx1969]

I agree with the majority of the posts here..You need to come clean and tell the truth..

your wife will not trust you until you do..Then it is her choice what she wants to do..

Being honest and staying honest is a good amends to make..

[Chy]

If you don't tell are you prepared to live a decietful life with your relationship? Are you prepared to be in a constant and forever state of distrust in her eyes? Can you go to your grave knowing your relationship was never built on mutual trust and honest? If you do tell are you prepared for the conequences if any? Only you know what you can live with.