What Was Your............

[laurie6781]

Moment Of Clarity?

When I was asked this recently I really had to think about it.

I have to say that in my late twenties I heard the "joke" ? that ones says "oh I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just a drunk, Alcoholics have to go to those meetings." And I would laugh with the others but I had no clue, yes I said NO CLUE as to what it meant.

I had no idea of AA, had never heard of it to my knowledge. Either that or........my DENIAL was so great that I had it buried so deep it NEVER CONNECTED in my brain.

Thus my deniel got me to the point that on Sunday afternoon, June 7, 1981, at approximately 3:30pm (I knew the time cause I had a cheap $2.00 watch on my wrist) I was sitting in the back corner of the Hollywood Bowl Parking Lot, under the shade of a tree, with my junker car parked right next to me, I took a big swig out of my fifth of Thunderbird wine, and as I swallowed it down, it felt like it was pouring out through every pore of my skin as fast as I drank it in.

It was then that I cried because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I kept drinking I would die, and if I tried to stop I would die. So............ for the first time ever in my life I said simply "God, please help me." Not my usual prayer of "God get me out of this one and I'll never do it again" just
"God, please help me." I put the cap on the bottle, and tossed it in the back seat of the car along with all the other empties back there.

I have to tell you that once I was at the Odyssey House, Patty H. had the other alkie women there clean out the back seat of my car and they filled a big black garbage bag FULL with empty Thunderbird Wine Bottles. except for one bottle which had about 3 inches left in the bottom of it. I truly believe that had I drank that, I would have died that night for good.

That night was horrible, I tried to sleep lying on the front seat of the car but it was nothing but hallucinations, and itching, etc.

The next morning I knew something was terribly wrong. I was really really sick. I knew that somewhere in Van Nuys was a hospital called Olive View and that it was on Van Nuys boulevard. Somehow I found the hospital (today I know without a doubt, that my HP was driving that car). I walked into the emergency room and up to the desk and told the admittance clerk, that I was an alcoholic, I hadn't had a drink since the previous afternoon and something was terribly wrong. She took one look at me, told me to have a seat (pointed to the chairs right in front of the admissions desk that were about 6 feet from the desk) and picked up the phone.

I never made it to the chairs, I went into seizures right there on the floor between the admission desk and the chairs.

I later talked with her, (she remembered me, lol) and she said I looked like death, and I was green with a yellow cast.

I seizured on and off all day, and several times they had to restart my heart. But apparently at about 4pm my heart stopped and they could not get me started again. The ER doctor was writing the T.O.D. on my medical chart when my heart started on its own.

So when I got to the rooms of AA, there were no doubts left for this alkie. Alcohol had killed me, and for some reason I was given a second chance.

That doesn't mean that I embraced AA with open arms, but it did mean that I struggled to stay sober, for I knew without A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, if I drank again I WOULD DIE FOREVER.

That as you know was over 24 years ago. It's been One Hell Of A Ride So Far, and even with my current health problems, many of them caused by those years of drinking, I can say with 100% CERTAINITY, LIFE IS GOOD TODAY!!!!!!!

Just my E S & hopefully H.

Love and (((((to all))))),

[Dan]

That's why I come here.
To read that.
Thanks Laurie.

[lulu70]

Tears, Laurie. You are a miracle. We all are, really....

[CarolD]

Powerful share.

There I was...locked in a mental ward...surrounded by inmates with alcoholic wet brains.

And I avbsolutely knew that would be me.

That scared me back into sobriety!

Thanks for the thread.

[Chy]

Thanks Laurie!

My moment of clarity came when I realized I was responsible for my emotional bankruptcy.. I knew I was done one morning when at work with another hangover feeling like I was going to be sick at my desk and trying to come up with yet another excuse why I couldn't finish the day.... it had to stop.

[Phinneas]

Powerful share, Laurie. Thank you.

My moment of clarity came over three days when a battle was raging inside of me nonstop. I was going to kill myself and I have no doubt at all that I would have, too. That was it for me. I couldn't take it anymore. And somehow, by the absolute grace of god, instead of throwing myself off of the overpass, I just collapsed in defeat. I gave up. I gave up trying to live and I gave up trying to die. What I didn't know then that I do know now was that my moment of absolute and utter defeat was my moment of surrender. That surrender not only saved my life, it gave me a life worth living. It wasn't easy - there was no pink cloud, but every minute, hour and day that I stayed clean and sober, that I allowed myself to be open and willing to do the work of recovery (to go to ANY lengths), that I allowed god to guide my life... well, that minute, hour and day brought me closer to a life that can only be described in terms of miracles.

I am a miracle. You are a miracle. Anyone who is sober in this minute is a miracle. And those who still suffer are miracles waiting to happen.

hugs to all,

phinny

[nocellphone]

Great thread, Laurie! Thanks!

My moment of clarity---my bottom--- came on February 21, 1995 at approximately 1:30 am.

I was in my bathtub (everybody takes a bath at 1:30 in the morning, right? ), the only place I could think of as a refuge against my girlfriend-at-the-time who was not an substance-abusing addict but a raging ACoA/Borderline Personality Disorder who once admitted to being a sex addict.

So... the bathroom door flew open and she promptly planted herself on the closed toilet bowl about two feet from me and continued her raging storm of bitter accusations and verbal assaults. This had been going on for hours and was almost a daily ritual at this point. Had I been any closer, I swear she might've gone Hannibal Lecter on me and bitten off some of my face...

Finally, with something inside having snapped, I looked at her and said, "I want my life back". She looked at me with the iciest stare and said very calmly, "I'll kill you..."

My reply?

"Please do, because it'd be better... than living... with you."

For a very long moment, I thought she might just pick something up and beat me to death (just please, not the toilet brush...), or drown me, or stab me in the heart. Who knows? At that point, I no longer cared. I was serious when I suggested she go through with it. I'd had enough, and I knew no other way out.

But the truth is, I did know another way out. Six months prior, I had attended my first Al-Anon meeting. I knew that the answers to my dilemma could be found in those rooms.

Not long after the bathtub experience, I attended my second Al-Anon meeting. That first meeting was eleven years ago this week, and I have been attending several meetings a week regularly ever since.

My ex now lives 1500 or so miles away and we respect each other's boundaries by having no contact with one another. Amends have been made between us (hey, recovery works!), but we no longer have an active place in each other's lives.

Despite the pain at the time, I am grateful today for that experience because it was necessary for me to get to where I am today!

[livenletlive]

It was yesterday for me. I had one of those crys everyone in the rooms talk about and the one you've mentioned. I was out drinking and drugging all Sunday night. It started off with a half bottle of cuervo and a gram of coke. I got so bombed that in the morning when I arrived home, all I could do was lay in bed and get up to sniff more and more coke. Finally, at my peak my body was tingling all over. I never felt this feeling ever before, I had enough. I knew if I finished the rest of my coke I would've died. So, I humbly asked God to keep me here and do not take me out of this world. I told him I want to live...the tears came. I believe if I did not repeat what I was saying and closed my eyes I would have seen the white light. I was fading out and everytime this happeded I would say to God, please spare me.

As I came down, I dropped to my knees and asked God to help me in the way you explain, not just a empty pity prayer. I cried on and off for the rest of the day. I got enough courage to talk and cry to my sponsor. He told me, not to beat myself up and to get to a meeting if I could. If not get to one in the morning. I did get to the meeting last night and heard so many great things there. I cried there and got my 24 hour coin. It means more to me than any other coins I got. I was spared and by the grace of God, I will do anything for my sobriety.

[FriendofBill]

livenletlive
The last line of your post says it all.

glad you came back...you inspire me