I let it go!!!! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

harleygirl92156 · 05-22-2005, 02:23 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I finally came to the realization that I can't change what my recovering AH did in the past and neither can he. I told him we could starting over, fresh and this was day one of our marriage. I told him what I needed in order to stay in a marriage with him, we wrote it down and he took the copy??? He in turn couldn't tell me what he needed, but that is understandable since I don't think he knows right now anyway.

I told him I will let the past go, and concentrate on today. I also made it CLEAR that infidelity is a MARRIAGE BUSTER without question. I also told him I would hope someday he would TRUST ME enough to be able to talk with me about anything.

I decided he has to live with the guilt of what he did and I don't. I live with the hurt, but I can deal with it or live in it. I have been living in it for almost six months and it sucks so I am moving away from it. I will work on forgiveness as my Lord requests. I will ask God daily to give me the strength to forgive and He will. I will also pray for my husband daily, for him to learn honesty, for him to remain sober, for him to respect his marriage vows and for him to grow and become the person I know he wants to be.

I will return to Al anon and my after care program and stop cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Everyone tells me it will get better, I pray it does and would be gratefull if you all would pray for both of us. We will need all the prayers we can get.

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lulu70 · 05-22-2005, 02:37 PM

Already done, HG. I am so glad you have made the choice to try to let this go. You were so very angry and obviously hurt. You are right--it will get better. One day at a time!!!

Hiugs--

CAPTAINZING2000 · 05-22-2005, 07:15 PM

Hon,

only u know what you want and can take in your marriage. We can give you things to consider. You'll never forget, I hope, you can learn to forgive. U forgive for you not for him. If, you can't forgive, time to make a fresh start. Trust in your hubby will take time. I hope, he gets a grasp about how this program works. We have to get honest in all our affairs.

I do hope, his infidelity was due to his being ill. Sometimes, people are driven away no love at home will make people stray. Renew your courtship. People get married and sometimes forget to keep them selves attrative etc. for their spouse. Just cause we're married doesn't mean we can't keep ourselves sexy for our partners.

**Ann** · 05-22-2005, 07:53 PM

Good for you Harleygirl. No matter what the future brings, you will be in a better place than when you surrounded yourself with anger and resentments. You already sound like you have found peace.

And Zing...I don't think Harley's problem has anything to do with how attractive or sexy she is. I'm really hoping I'm misreading you, because you don't sound like the kind of person who would write that.

Hugs
Ann

Gabe · 05-22-2005, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

People get married and sometimes forget to keep them selves attrative etc. for their spouse. Just cause we're married doesn't mean we can't keep ourselves sexy for our partners.

Um...I really hope I'm misreading this as well.
Harley, I'm glad you're letting go of the resentment and moving onto better places in your life. No matter what your husband does or doesn't do.
Good for you.

fraankie · 05-22-2005, 08:06 PM

hi
it's true
what's done is done,
i do that when i need to
START NEW
good for you
fraankie

harleygirl92156 · 05-22-2005, 09:09 PM

Zing,
His infidelity didn't have anything to do with no love at home, if anything he had more love than he wanted at the time due to the illness. As for my attractiveness, I am nearly 50 with 4 grandchildren and when I am out in public people think they are my children and freak out when I tell them I am their grandmother. I keep my self up, slim and trim, dress well and keep that grey washed away. I make a point to keep attractive and keep the "spice" in the marriage.

It was his illness and my co-dependency that caused the infidelity, or at least that is what I believe until I am shown something different.

I hope if your married your wife doesn't "let herself go" since it sounds like your love in marriage may conditional which is sad.

I really don't have to defend myself to you though do I.....Al anon just kicked in.........

**Ann** · 05-23-2005, 04:40 AM

HG, I'm glad you see past that antiquated notion and are just looking after yourself here. If only beautiful sexy women had good marrianges, we'd all be too busy to be here because every single woman here is shining from the inside out!! Perhaps someone could hand Zing a lightbulb.

And HG, I am so glad that you are ready to move ahead and let the past remain where it belongs. May all your today's and tomorrow's be filled with love and light.

Hugs
Ann

Andy F · 05-23-2005, 05:09 AM

I have seen beautiful looking women and then when you start talking to them it can be a real let down.

Then other times I have known average looking women and you get to know them and they are hot.

Of course I have both so this is merely an observation from my point of view. lol.

Even on T.V. I see so called physical beauties that are simply uninteresting, sexually uninspiring, but technically physically beautiful.

My first wife was stunningly attractive, but in the end I didn't want to go near her. My divorce lawyer, a female, said to me 'sex begins at breakfast'.

When I was young and more imature, anything pretty was enough. What is sexually attractive and what is technically beautiful are not the same.

I personally doubt if CaptainZing intended to give the impression he did.lol, but lets hear you anyway Captain. lol.

nutz · 05-23-2005, 12:42 PM

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your's HG.

I, myself came to relized that it wouldn't be resolve in my head.
My imagination runs wild enough as it is. And it wouldn't matter
what she says to me. My heart was broken and I had to accept it.
Right, wrong , indifferents , it didn't matter. it freanken hurted.
I knew I had to forgive to let go. I started to relized the different
between pain and suffering. Suffering is feeling the same pain over
and over again. The pain the I could not bare. At first I like it,
it was familar. Eventally I got sick and tired of it. Weel.. old
dysfuntional behaviors help. I got sick of the choas in our lives.
Then a stupid idea hit me in between the eyes oneday.
I turn my will and life over to a Loving HP, not a human being.
Simple ..but hell!!!, did I have to practice that crap under my own roof?
It was a process of setting things in order. My relationship
wiht my HP became the most important thing in my life.
I'm not perfect at it by far...but at least I know first things first.
Simple but not easy, becuase it's usually the last thing I'll do.
It takes a lot for me to get to that piont..well... cuz I'm me.lol

It loves me, when I feel not loved. It forgive when I can't forgive.
It belives when I can't belive. It accepted, when I can't accept.
Everything that I can't do for myself..Yes...It healed when I didn't
want to be heald. I slowly begin to depend on this Unconditional LOVE.
I'm not religious..it's just a simple childish belief.

Not only that, it brought up a lot of thoughts,emotions that i didn't want
to process or knew how to process. I felt as if my mother had
adandant me again and reliving that whole nightmair again.
No matter what I did or didn't do , I feel worthless
It's time to process that, I suppose. While I feel like going out
of my freaken mind and my ass is fall'in off. I learned to trust
the process. It dosen't happen over night, but I know it's a
process of me becoming a better humaning being or a better version
of me and I need help.

Wilky · 05-23-2005, 07:11 PM

HG...this is one of the most devastating aspects of the disease of Alcoholism.

The out right heart break that takes place. Do not blame his/her infidelity on his/her drinking. The one who commits such a devastating travesty on another human being does it because they do not respect their partner. PERIOD. They don't do it because they are under the influence of a mind altering drug. The drugs let them act extemporaniously. However, without the drugs/alcohol they would still do it. Why? Because they do not know God. PERIOD. Why? Because they have not taken the steps, fearless and thorough, from the very start. Why? Because they are selfish and self-centered in the extreme, and know that they will have to give all that up in order to come to God. Why? Because they seem to have been born that way.

Sometimes the ego refuses to look at reality. That reality is this: No one who loves with Godly love could EVER commit such a sin as infidelity. Therefore, because your mate is NOT a spiritually re-born man...he is dead spiritually. Therefore his/her love is either EROS (physical) or PHILIA (friendship). This spiritually dead person cannot love with Agape (Godly-unconditional) love. Therefore, for this person to commit themselves to you, and only you, is ridiculous. LACK OF POWER IS THEIR DILEMMA! They are powerless to not fall victim to the lower power's suggestions, and leadings.

My suggestion, run like hell. Allow God to bring a Godly man into your life that is willing to lay down his life to serve you. This is what you deserve. NOTHING less! You are a child of God and should not be used, and abused, by anyone. YOU are HIS child. Do not accept anyone that is not prepared to love you for eternity.

Wilky

harleygirl92156 · 05-23-2005, 09:48 PM

Wilky,
Sorry, I do not agree with your beliefs. If that were true, I would have a difficult time finding what you consider a Godly man, as it seem infidelity runs amuck.

I resent you saying my husband is not a Godly man. He believes in God, but he is NOT God. He is human therefore subject to mistakes.

I hope you have found a Godly man that makes you happy. I have a man who is not perfect, believes in God, acknowledges his character defects and is working hard to be a better more honest person. For now that is the kind of man I love and am proud to be married to.

Good luck with your life and your beliefs, I hope they work for you and I don't discount them for you, they just aren't what I believe.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us.

Chy · 05-23-2005, 10:35 PM

harleygirl,
Just want to add what amazing progress on your part. I'm glad you found the resolve to move on, start fresh, and find peace. Good for you!

Cap3 · 05-24-2005, 05:04 AM

Way to go HG.Forgiveness will set you free.here,s from the Big Book..Both you and the NEW man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress.If you persist,remarkable things will happen.When we look back,we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God,s hands were better than anything we could have planned.Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a NEW and wounderful world,no matter what your present circumstances!!!
This is true in my own life.Many folks judged both my hub and myself as hopeless,worthless,no good folks.They didn't know God,s Plan for us.They didn't know that God,changes folks,when we turn to Him.,and turn our will over to His care.No one knows God,s plan for others.And have limited judgements on what they see/hear.Thats why no one is in a position to judge another.We just don't know..My belief.But God,changes folks,in His Time,and in His way.There is a host of folks that were coal.That God,has turned into His diamonds.There is always hope.There are 3 in my marriage today.First there is God.Hub.Myself.Thats it...smile...
Keep on keeping on.

Millwallj · 05-25-2005, 06:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wilky

HG...this is one of the most devastating aspects of the disease of Alcoholism.

The out right heart break that takes place. Do not blame his/her infidelity on his/her drinking. The one who commits such a devastating travesty on another human being does it because they do not respect their partner. PERIOD. They don't do it because they are under the influence of a mind altering drug. The drugs let them act extemporaniously. However, without the drugs/alcohol they would still do it. Why? Because they do not know God. PERIOD. Why? Because they have not taken the steps, fearless and thorough, from the very start. Why? Because they are selfish and self-centered in the extreme, and know that they will have to give all that up in order to come to God. Why? Because they seem to have been born that way.

Sometimes the ego refuses to look at reality. That reality is this: No one who loves with Godly love could EVER commit such a sin as infidelity. Therefore, because your mate is NOT a spiritually re-born man...he is dead spiritually. Therefore his/her love is either EROS (physical) or PHILIA (friendship). This spiritually dead person cannot love with Agape (Godly-unconditional) love. Therefore, for this person to commit themselves to you, and only you, is ridiculous. LACK OF POWER IS THEIR DILEMMA! They are powerless to not fall victim to the lower power's suggestions, and leadings.

My suggestion, run like hell. Allow God to bring a Godly man into your life that is willing to lay down his life to serve you. This is what you deserve. NOTHING less! You are a child of God and should not be used, and abused, by anyone. YOU are HIS child. Do not accept anyone that is not prepared to love you for eternity.

Wilky

Thanks Wilky for more creepy cult stuff.

Ever heard of logic? Or do you think everything you say is the GOD given truth?

splendra · 05-25-2005, 06:07 AM

((((((HARLEYGIRL))))))

I am very proud of you for deciding to move forward! You go girl!!!

05-22-2005, 02:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
harleygirl92156 harleygirl92156 Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: IOWA Posts: 430	I let it go!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I finally came to the realization that I can't change what my recovering AH did in the past and neither can he. I told him we could starting over, fresh and this was day one of our marriage. I told him what I needed in order to stay in a marriage with him, we wrote it down and he took the copy??? He in turn couldn't tell me what he needed, but that is understandable since I don't think he knows right now anyway. I told him I will let the past go, and concentrate on today. I also made it CLEAR that infidelity is a MARRIAGE BUSTER without question. I also told him I would hope someday he would TRUST ME enough to be able to talk with me about anything. I decided he has to live with the guilt of what he did and I don't. I live with the hurt, but I can deal with it or live in it. I have been living in it for almost six months and it sucks so I am moving away from it. I will work on forgiveness as my Lord requests. I will ask God daily to give me the strength to forgive and He will. I will also pray for my husband daily, for him to learn honesty, for him to remain sober, for him to respect his marriage vows and for him to grow and become the person I know he wants to be. I will return to Al anon and my after care program and stop cutting off my nose to spite my face. Everyone tells me it will get better, I pray it does and would be gratefull if you all would pray for both of us. We will need all the prayers we can get. harleygirl92156 View Public Profile Send a private message to harleygirl92156 Send email to harleygirl92156 Find More Posts by harleygirl92156 Add harleygirl92156 to Your Buddy List

05-22-2005, 02:37 PM	#2 (permalink)
lulu70 We all need each other. Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The road of happy destiny. Posts: 2,294	Already done, HG. I am so glad you have made the choice to try to let this go. You were so very angry and obviously hurt. You are right--it will get better. One day at a time!!! Hiugs-- __________________ "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.....do the thing you think you cannot do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

05-22-2005, 07:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
CAPTAINZING2000 Psalm 118:24 Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: ILLINOIS Posts: 9,445 Blog Entries: 1	Hon, only u know what you want and can take in your marriage. We can give you things to consider. You'll never forget, I hope, you can learn to forgive. U forgive for you not for him. If, you can't forgive, time to make a fresh start. Trust in your hubby will take time. I hope, he gets a grasp about how this program works. We have to get honest in all our affairs. I do hope, his infidelity was due to his being ill. Sometimes, people are driven away no love at home will make people stray. Renew your courtship. People get married and sometimes forget to keep them selves attrative etc. for their spouse. Just cause we're married doesn't mean we can't keep ourselves sexy for our partners. __________________ LIFE IS GOD'S GIFT TO YOU WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE IS YOUR GIFT TO GOD J - Jesus first O - Others next Y - Yourself last John 14:6

05-22-2005, 07:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
Ann Forum Leader Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 25,172	Good for you Harleygirl. No matter what the future brings, you will be in a better place than when you surrounded yourself with anger and resentments. You already sound like you have found peace. And Zing...I don't think Harley's problem has anything to do with how attractive or sexy she is. I'm really hoping I'm misreading you, because you don't sound like the kind of person who would write that. Hugs Ann __________________ “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Winnie the Pooh~

05-23-2005, 04:40 AM	#8 (permalink)
Ann Forum Leader Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 25,172	HG, I'm glad you see past that antiquated notion and are just looking after yourself here. If only beautiful sexy women had good marrianges, we'd all be too busy to be here because every single woman here is shining from the inside out!! Perhaps someone could hand Zing a lightbulb. And HG, I am so glad that you are ready to move ahead and let the past remain where it belongs. May all your today's and tomorrow's be filled with love and light. Hugs Ann __________________ “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Winnie the Pooh~

05-22-2005, 08:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
fraankie Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: brooklyn, new york Posts: 1,395	hi it's true what's done is done, i do that when i need to START NEW good for you fraankie

05-22-2005, 09:09 PM	#7 (permalink)
harleygirl92156 harleygirl92156 Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: IOWA Posts: 430	Zing, His infidelity didn't have anything to do with no love at home, if anything he had more love than he wanted at the time due to the illness. As for my attractiveness, I am nearly 50 with 4 grandchildren and when I am out in public people think they are my children and freak out when I tell them I am their grandmother. I keep my self up, slim and trim, dress well and keep that grey washed away. I make a point to keep attractive and keep the "spice" in the marriage. It was his illness and my co-dependency that caused the infidelity, or at least that is what I believe until I am shown something different. I hope if your married your wife doesn't "let herself go" since it sounds like your love in marriage may conditional which is sad. I really don't have to defend myself to you though do I.....Al anon just kicked in.........

05-23-2005, 05:09 AM	#9 (permalink)
Andy F Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: London Posts: 448	I have seen beautiful looking women and then when you start talking to them it can be a real let down. Then other times I have known average looking women and you get to know them and they are hot. Of course I have both so this is merely an observation from my point of view. lol. Even on T.V. I see so called physical beauties that are simply uninteresting, sexually uninspiring, but technically physically beautiful. My first wife was stunningly attractive, but in the end I didn't want to go near her. My divorce lawyer, a female, said to me 'sex begins at breakfast'. When I was young and more imature, anything pretty was enough. What is sexually attractive and what is technically beautiful are not the same. I personally doubt if CaptainZing intended to give the impression he did.lol, but lets hear you anyway Captain. lol.

05-23-2005, 12:42 PM	#10 (permalink)
nutz doing the inside job Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: planet happy Posts: 542	My thoughts and prayers are with you and your's HG. I, myself came to relized that it wouldn't be resolve in my head. My imagination runs wild enough as it is. And it wouldn't matter what she says to me. My heart was broken and I had to accept it. Right, wrong , indifferents , it didn't matter. it freanken hurted. I knew I had to forgive to let go. I started to relized the different between pain and suffering. Suffering is feeling the same pain over and over again. The pain the I could not bare. At first I like it, it was familar. Eventally I got sick and tired of it. Weel.. old dysfuntional behaviors help. I got sick of the choas in our lives. Then a stupid idea hit me in between the eyes oneday. I turn my will and life over to a Loving HP, not a human being. Simple ..but hell!!!, did I have to practice that crap under my own roof? It was a process of setting things in order. My relationship wiht my HP became the most important thing in my life. I'm not perfect at it by far...but at least I know first things first. Simple but not easy, becuase it's usually the last thing I'll do. It takes a lot for me to get to that piont..well... cuz I'm me.lol It loves me, when I feel not loved. It forgive when I can't forgive. It belives when I can't belive. It accepted, when I can't accept. Everything that I can't do for myself..Yes...It healed when I didn't want to be heald. I slowly begin to depend on this Unconditional LOVE. I'm not religious..it's just a simple childish belief. Not only that, it brought up a lot of thoughts,emotions that i didn't want to process or knew how to process. I felt as if my mother had adandant me again and reliving that whole nightmair again. No matter what I did or didn't do , I feel worthless It's time to process that, I suppose. While I feel like going out of my freaken mind and my ass is fall'in off. I learned to trust the process. It dosen't happen over night, but I know it's a process of me becoming a better humaning being or a better version of me and I need help. __________________ practice, practice, practice What had been the source of devastation became the seed of a new me.

05-23-2005, 07:11 PM	#11 (permalink)
Wilky Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Sunny Californie Posts: 125	HG...this is one of the most devastating aspects of the disease of Alcoholism. The out right heart break that takes place. Do not blame his/her infidelity on his/her drinking. The one who commits such a devastating travesty on another human being does it because they do not respect their partner. PERIOD. They don't do it because they are under the influence of a mind altering drug. The drugs let them act extemporaniously. However, without the drugs/alcohol they would still do it. Why? Because they do not know God. PERIOD. Why? Because they have not taken the steps, fearless and thorough, from the very start. Why? Because they are selfish and self-centered in the extreme, and know that they will have to give all that up in order to come to God. Why? Because they seem to have been born that way. Sometimes the ego refuses to look at reality. That reality is this: No one who loves with Godly love could EVER commit such a sin as infidelity. Therefore, because your mate is NOT a spiritually re-born man...he is dead spiritually. Therefore his/her love is either EROS (physical) or PHILIA (friendship). This spiritually dead person cannot love with Agape (Godly-unconditional) love. Therefore, for this person to commit themselves to you, and only you, is ridiculous. LACK OF POWER IS THEIR DILEMMA! They are powerless to not fall victim to the lower power's suggestions, and leadings. My suggestion, run like hell. Allow God to bring a Godly man into your life that is willing to lay down his life to serve you. This is what you deserve. NOTHING less! You are a child of God and should not be used, and abused, by anyone. YOU are HIS child. Do not accept anyone that is not prepared to love you for eternity. Wilky

05-23-2005, 09:48 PM	#12 (permalink)
harleygirl92156 harleygirl92156 Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: IOWA Posts: 430	Wilky, Sorry, I do not agree with your beliefs. If that were true, I would have a difficult time finding what you consider a Godly man, as it seem infidelity runs amuck. I resent you saying my husband is not a Godly man. He believes in God, but he is NOT God. He is human therefore subject to mistakes. I hope you have found a Godly man that makes you happy. I have a man who is not perfect, believes in God, acknowledges his character defects and is working hard to be a better more honest person. For now that is the kind of man I love and am proud to be married to. Good luck with your life and your beliefs, I hope they work for you and I don't discount them for you, they just aren't what I believe. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us.

05-23-2005, 10:35 PM	#13 (permalink)
Chy Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx Posts: 5,867	harleygirl, Just want to add what amazing progress on your part. I'm glad you found the resolve to move on, start fresh, and find peace. Good for you!

05-24-2005, 05:04 AM	#14 (permalink)
Cap3 Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 727	Way to go HG.Forgiveness will set you free.here,s from the Big Book..Both you and the NEW man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress.If you persist,remarkable things will happen.When we look back,we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God,s hands were better than anything we could have planned.Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a NEW and wounderful world,no matter what your present circumstances!!! This is true in my own life.Many folks judged both my hub and myself as hopeless,worthless,no good folks.They didn't know God,s Plan for us.They didn't know that God,changes folks,when we turn to Him.,and turn our will over to His care.No one knows God,s plan for others.And have limited judgements on what they see/hear.Thats why no one is in a position to judge another.We just don't know..My belief.But God,changes folks,in His Time,and in His way.There is a host of folks that were coal.That God,has turned into His diamonds.There is always hope.There are 3 in my marriage today.First there is God.Hub.Myself.Thats it...smile... Keep on keeping on.

05-25-2005, 06:07 AM	#16 (permalink)
splendra the girl can't help it Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: splendraville Posts: 5,495 Blog Entries: 3	((((((HARLEYGIRL)))))) I am very proud of you for deciding to move forward! You go girl!!! __________________ nice has a hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

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