Untreated Alcoholism

[EdLova]

Let's talk about how deadly alcoholism can be IN SOBRIETY..

What is anyone's experience with the deadliness of the powerful element of the spiritual malady?

Can anyone here describe how a life run on self will sober almost killed them? can anyone describe their experience with current amends and inventory?

please share

[Andy F]

Do you not have enough personal experience of these things in your own sobriety to date, to be able to make an evaluation?

[jlo34]

I pretty well ran my life on "self-will" for nearly all of my sobriety ~ until this past November/December...that was for 13 1/2 years, life was usually ok. I suffered from a lot of anger and quick rage. Always feeling I had to do "better", be better...I guess the only person I really fooled was myself. I hid in my profession working tons and tons of overtime. Everything came to a head, as I said in November/December. I fell into a huge pool of depression which led into suicidal ideation, more like obsession...every day for weeks. I considered checking myself into a stress unit, because I truly was afraid that I was going to follow through. Things that meant something to me, didn't then...there was nothing I wanted to live for...actually felt more like I was possessed. I didn't understand why I wanted to commit suicide, but I had this overwhelming feeling. Eventually, I came to the realization that I had to become willing (2nd step) to get better, learn how to turn my will and life over to God, do the most thorough 4th step I've ever done-a complete thorough list, a brutally and painfully honest 5th step with both of my sponsors, a ton of praying, meditation, step 6, 7, 8, and 9. Followed up with more prayer and meditation and step 10 daily. Going to the Big Book tables and the 12 & 12 tables, talking to my sponsors frequently and loading up on meetings, overloading on meetings, and then gently filtering down to find out the happy balance I need.

I was so close that there were many times I almost went back out drinking. It wasn't because I had an overwhelming desire to drink, drinking represents dying to me and that's what I wanted to do. There was one very frightning evening that I had the obsession of the mind with drinking, before going to a meeting, talked about it, went out for coffee with my friends, and then on my way home, back to obsessing... I came home and remembered that I had a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the bathroom (hadn't thought of that for a long time). I grabbed the bottle and thought, I'll smell it and the smell will be so disgusting I won't want to drink it. So I smelled it, it smelled good (that alone should tell you I'm an alcoholic!!!!). Then I thought, if I just have a taste that won't be a "relapse" will it? Before I knew it the bottle was at my lips and then the next thought, thank God, was "what the he$$ are you doing?!?". That stopped me, I lowered the bottle down, put the cap on, and said, "I don't know.". I put it back, got down on my knees and begged God for help again. That incident really scared the living crap out of me, I have never been that physically close to drinking in sobriety, and it was right there. Only God could (and did) save me that night. There have been so many awesome people that have helped bail my butt out this past several months. Thankfully, I have been blessed with serenity and peace of mind since February. I continue by doing good things for myself and continue doing the things that helped get me there. Big Book studies, 12&12 studies, keeping in contact with my sponsors, and going to my home group M-F AM and putting a couple of other meetings on there too. I rarely ever sponsored anyone, who would want what I had??? I have found myself picking up a lot of sponsees lately, at last count, 5. I've been involved in helping get AA functions going; mini-conferences, dances, my homegroup's anniversary, etc. I find things to do and low and behold, my physical body is healing much better with positive thought!!! What a concept. So now I am concentrating on staying/getting physically fit, spiritually fit, and emotionally/mentally fit.

I understand now, what they saw about the old-timers getting complacent and getting drunk. Before it happened to me, I never thought the thought or desire would be there, and before I knew it, I was obsessed with a drink at my lips. Only by God's grace I didn't.

[FriendofBill]

Jlo.....

WOW......you dont know HOW much your sharing helps me. You just dont know. Thank you for posting your recent nightmare. You really have come out of the depths of insanity. What an inspiration!

:Congrats to you!

[Dan]

I see self will and free will as great assets. They may even be one and the same, depending how one relates to his/her place in the universe.
And more importantly how one views the universe. Could be that all the universe is really, is a random assembly of triangles...

I am both free, and subject to a determined direction.
I'm okay with that.

[EdLova]

Originally Posted by Andy F

Do you not have enough personal experience of these things in your own sobriety to date, to be able to make an evaluation?

Yes I do.

After 8 months sober I wanted and had comtemplated suicide because I could no longer go back to that which brought me ease and comfort for the previous 10 years of my life..Imagine waking up SOBER and going to meetings and just hating your life and your sobriety..Imagine contemplating several ways of shooting yourself and writing suicide letters before you go to bed SOBER..

That was my experience SOBER..

And then I began getting in touch with God deeper and deeper, because I could not go back to alcohol even if I could, and even if I would I couldn't..It was that painful...

[Cathy31]

Thank you Ed and Jlo for sharing.

Today I was with my new sponsor and wanted to share with her the joy I had found on SR.

How mortifying that I chose this thread and the first 'response' from an SR member was yours AndyF.

All this talk about newcomers....well that kind of mean response is not impressive to 'newcomers.'

[FriendofBill]

Ed....

You make a good case for the fact that alcohol abstinence does not make one "Invincible" to the causes that kill.

My opinion of sober, however, is different that being "clean".
The dictionary definitons of sober are:

1. sparing in the use of food and drink :
2 : marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor

So, I believe a person can be alcohol free, going to meetings, working the program and yet *not* be sober as defined above.

A person has to have the 2nd definition as well, in my humble opinion, to consider themselves "Sober".

[KEEGANSDAD]

Hi Ed,

Without the steps and Actions that AA has taught me
I feel the same as you !

Just Not drinking will kill me (Dry-Drunk)

Try Some Speaker and Step workshops.
http://www.xa-speakers.org./pafiledb...category&id=36

Keegansdad

[Music]

Originally Posted by EdLova

Let's talk about how deadly alcoholism can be IN SOBRIETY..

What is anyone's experience with the deadliness of the powerful element of the spiritual malady?

Can anyone here describe how a life run on self will sober almost killed them? can anyone describe their experience with current amends and inventory?

please share

As is stated in "How It Works." The results were nil until I let go of my old ideas. Well, I found out the hard way that I didn't want to let go of some of my old ideas. I also found out that it's impossible to wear two hats. I can't be a useful member of AA and still hold onto some of my old drinking habits. Only by God's grace did I not drink. Bottom line is that I wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink, so I came clean with my sponsor first, then my wife. So far today, it's worked.

[In memory of miracle]

Lets see.I have boughts with self will.Thankfully I havent taken it to the "deadly" part.That would be picking up a drink or drug,for me.When I begin to feel uncomfortable with my behavior it usually means I am heading for a relapse.I have learned tools to change in AA.
Now I also have been diagnosed with depression,if I am doing what I am supposto be doing for my recovery and still feel bad,this is deppression. Than I go see my Doctor.
As far as my amends go today,some of them are done by my staying sober,the rest I have to actively work at with the help of my sponser and my home group.I try to make a consious effort to love in the moment and stay out of the past,except when it can help others.I am a sick person getting better,not a bad person getting good.I'll keep coming !

[doorknob]

Originally Posted by FriendofBill

Ed....

You make a good case for the fact that alcohol abstinence does not make one "Invincible" to the causes that kill.

My opinion of sober, however, is different that being "clean".
The dictionary definitons of sober are:

1. sparing in the use of food and drink :
2 : marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor

So, I believe a person can be alcohol free, going to meetings, working the program and yet *not* be sober as defined above.

A person has to have the 2nd definition as well, in my humble opinion, to consider themselves "Sober".

Hi FriendofBill,

Isn't working the program supposed to yield the characteristics of the 2nd definition? If it doesn't, what is missing? Or are they just not doing it right?

Off to a meeting,

Doorknob

[FriendofBill]

Yes, Doorknob, "working" a fulfilling program does yield characteristics. The problem as I see it is that some people who work a "part-time" program tend to yield just partial sobriety.

Some AA;s tend to think that only attending meetings is "working" a program and not drinking is "working" a good program. There are other components to achieving quality sobriety.

Service, prayer, meditation, sponsorship and sponsoring, continually living the steps.

With this combination of ingreidients, they can make a kick-ast cake of sobriety.

[BlueMoon]

Imagine contemplating several ways of shooting yourself and writing suicide letters before you go to bed SOBER..

Don't have to imagine. Been there. Done that. Designed the t-shirt.

When I first got sober, everyone told me I would "feel better".
I didn't realize at the time that what they meant was I would feel disappointment 'better', I would feel anger 'better', and I would feel depression 'better'.

I never had feelings before I got sober - they were promptly anesthetized by alcohol/drugs/behaviors.


Blue

[Stephanie]

Originally Posted by EdLova

.Imagine waking up SOBER and going to meetings and just hating your life and your sobriety..Imagine contemplating several ways of shooting yourself and writing suicide letters before you go to bed SOBER..

That was my experience SOBER..

...

I can imagine this very easily!! My alcoholism was merely a symptom of a deeper issue that only came to light when I took the alcohol away. I had a character problem, a behavior problem and a living problem. I still thought of ways to escape my problems despite the lack of alcohol and my regular attendence at my social club called AA. Then at 5 yrs sober I drank only to realize a few months later when I experienced a few of my worst "not yets" that I was more misreable drunk than I was sober. Now I really had a problem. I was misreable drunk and sober. What other option was there?

I had to SURRENDER and let go of my old ideas that kept me stuck. When I surrendered I was able to "Come to Believe" in a God of my understanding. I stopped treating AA like nightly social hour and got honest in meetings, learned about humility and started working the steps