What is Sobriety?
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
[QUOTE=Sophia57]I'm married to a man who's sober 13 years. Didn't know him in his drinking days but he is extremely difficult to live with. I never know what his mood will be, when he will turn on me, feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.
He goes to lotsa of meetings and seems to think he knows everything about sobriety.
Yet he fights with everyone, his workmates, boss, neighbours (especially), other drivers - he hates where we live, hates his job yet will do nothing about looking for a new one, has really terrible anger and really low self esteem and seems to have no contentment at all or only for brief periods,
He has no sponsor and argues all the time with other AA members. He has no friends.
I think he has issues beyons his alcoholism but he will not hear of counselling and will not talk to me - as he said this morning "no good will come of psycholanalysing each other"
FriendofBill - what did you mean by emotional abstinence?
Can anyone tell me if he is a dry drunk? I 've read what I can find on it but don't understand what it means (apart from not drinking) and what can be done if he is.
I'm desperate, we're only married a year and a half and he's a really good man and I do love the man, but hate the disease.
I've been to some ALanon meetings without his knowing as he thinks its a gossip shop and it has helped me.
Sorry again for butting in but you guys know what you're talking about.
Sophia[/QUOTE
You are NOT butting in...you have a very valid question. Dry Drunks sound just like your husband....unhappy with everything in life. They hate the Government etc...I know my father used to call the post office to see if his mail was going to be on time???? He was on a dry drunk for years. He was an angry, cantakerous man who hated everything and made excuses for all the other things he did like....he never would go to AA...thought they were depressing. He said " Why should I sit for hours and listen to other people's problems, I have enough of my own." BOY, that was true. he made everyone in the house miserable.....walking on eggshells is a good term, you used. You say your husband is a good man...what is good about him, right now??? He definately needs to do a 4th step and make some amends if he can. It doesn't appear that he thinks he has an issue. If going to Al-Anon helped you, then go back, you need help dealing with his constant barrage of critisicm (sp). I hope he winds down enough to get some help and I hope you do not continue to put up with him doing this. My mom and Dad were married WAY too long...she put up with all his crap and then took it out on us kids later....such fun....the anger has to go someplace....I hope it doesn't go to you......Kahlia
He goes to lotsa of meetings and seems to think he knows everything about sobriety.
Yet he fights with everyone, his workmates, boss, neighbours (especially), other drivers - he hates where we live, hates his job yet will do nothing about looking for a new one, has really terrible anger and really low self esteem and seems to have no contentment at all or only for brief periods,
He has no sponsor and argues all the time with other AA members. He has no friends.
I think he has issues beyons his alcoholism but he will not hear of counselling and will not talk to me - as he said this morning "no good will come of psycholanalysing each other"
FriendofBill - what did you mean by emotional abstinence?
Can anyone tell me if he is a dry drunk? I 've read what I can find on it but don't understand what it means (apart from not drinking) and what can be done if he is.
I'm desperate, we're only married a year and a half and he's a really good man and I do love the man, but hate the disease.
I've been to some ALanon meetings without his knowing as he thinks its a gossip shop and it has helped me.
Sorry again for butting in but you guys know what you're talking about.
Sophia[/QUOTE
You are NOT butting in...you have a very valid question. Dry Drunks sound just like your husband....unhappy with everything in life. They hate the Government etc...I know my father used to call the post office to see if his mail was going to be on time???? He was on a dry drunk for years. He was an angry, cantakerous man who hated everything and made excuses for all the other things he did like....he never would go to AA...thought they were depressing. He said " Why should I sit for hours and listen to other people's problems, I have enough of my own." BOY, that was true. he made everyone in the house miserable.....walking on eggshells is a good term, you used. You say your husband is a good man...what is good about him, right now??? He definately needs to do a 4th step and make some amends if he can. It doesn't appear that he thinks he has an issue. If going to Al-Anon helped you, then go back, you need help dealing with his constant barrage of critisicm (sp). I hope he winds down enough to get some help and I hope you do not continue to put up with him doing this. My mom and Dad were married WAY too long...she put up with all his crap and then took it out on us kids later....such fun....the anger has to go someplace....I hope it doesn't go to you......Kahlia
1000 Post Club
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Amen Kahlia...dry drunk syndrome behavior is EXACTLY like active behavior. AND.....theres not a darn thing anyone can do about it,,,except the alcoholic.
Al-anon too, has saved my life.
Al-anon too, has saved my life.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
He could have other problems as well. He may have been like that before he ever started drinking. Some people are jerks, even people who aren't alcoholics, imagine that! Sophia, do what you need to do for you. You can't change him, but you can make yourself happy.
Doorknob
Doorknob
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Sunny Californie
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by Sophia57
Thanks for your replies.
DonS - when I married him his behaviour wasn't so extreme, just the odd flare-up. I lived with him for a little over a year before the wedding. It's since we've been married that its intensified - its almost like he feels secure enough to let it all hang out now!
I have been to a counsellor myself and would continue to go if I could afford but I can't - they're very expensive and I'm the main breadwinner and he has a child to support.
He won't hear of going to a counsellor himself - I tried to approach the topic again yesterday saying I was concerned because he seems so unhappy. He said he didn't want pychoanalysing and cut me off and ran off to a meeting.
He did the steps years ago (remember he's in AA that long), fell out with his sponsor and doesnt think he needs one.
I'm stuck between a rock a hard place.
AndyF - thanks for your reply but to be honest I don'r really understand it. I'm just struggling to understand why my husband is as he is when he goes so much to a peogram that's all about serenity, hunility and tolerance.
Thank you all so much - any more insights would really help.
DonS - when I married him his behaviour wasn't so extreme, just the odd flare-up. I lived with him for a little over a year before the wedding. It's since we've been married that its intensified - its almost like he feels secure enough to let it all hang out now!
I have been to a counsellor myself and would continue to go if I could afford but I can't - they're very expensive and I'm the main breadwinner and he has a child to support.
He won't hear of going to a counsellor himself - I tried to approach the topic again yesterday saying I was concerned because he seems so unhappy. He said he didn't want pychoanalysing and cut me off and ran off to a meeting.
He did the steps years ago (remember he's in AA that long), fell out with his sponsor and doesnt think he needs one.
I'm stuck between a rock a hard place.
AndyF - thanks for your reply but to be honest I don'r really understand it. I'm just struggling to understand why my husband is as he is when he goes so much to a peogram that's all about serenity, hunility and tolerance.
Thank you all so much - any more insights would really help.
He is not on a dry drunk. He does not know God. NO God...NO peace!
Wilky
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Originally Posted by doorknob
He could have other problems as well. He may have been like that before he ever started drinking. Some people are jerks, even people who aren't alcoholics, imagine that!
Doorknob
Doorknob
I certainly believe it is possible for nonbelievers to attain serene sobriety and have happy, fulfilliing lives--with AA (so I've heard), with other recovery programs, or with none at all.
Sounds as though there are underlying issues here such as anger, depression, anxiety, or some similarly stressful emotional conditions. AA has helped him stop drinking, but he isn't dealing with those other issues. So he's kind of stuck.
I don't know what will nudge him to deal with those, or what would be the most effective way for him to do so. So take care of yourself first, and then perhaps you can help him see the benefits of changing other parts of his life beyond the substance abuse.
Don S
Despiration of a drowning man!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 4
If a person is still selfish, proud, and rude to the point of picking arguments for fun etc. you can call it what you like but it is not sober according the documentation that outlines the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. For example:
Big Book pg 62 -
"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That we think, is the root of our troubles."
THAT PERSON OBVIOUSLY HAS DONE ALL THIS STUFF, AND LEARNED ALL OF THIS STUFF AND STILL NEVER DEALT WITH THE REAL ISSUES.
12x12 pg 70
"Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of each of A.A.'s Twelve Steps."
IF THEY HAVE DONE STEPS AND DIDN'T GAIN HUMILITY, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE IF THE POINT IS HUMILITY?
Big Book pg 62 (describing Step 10)
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
SOUNDS LIKE THESE ANGRY AAs HAVEN'T CEASED FIGHTING "ANYTHING OR ANYONE" DOES IT.
Not using and knowing a bunch of stuff about A.A. does not mean you worked the program that is outlined in the book, nor does it make you healthy. You can all it sobriety or not call it that. If a person is not healthy, THEY ARE JUST PLAIN NOT HEALTHY!!!!!!! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.
In Unity, Service & Recovery
Wade H.
Big Book pg 62 -
"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That we think, is the root of our troubles."
THAT PERSON OBVIOUSLY HAS DONE ALL THIS STUFF, AND LEARNED ALL OF THIS STUFF AND STILL NEVER DEALT WITH THE REAL ISSUES.
12x12 pg 70
"Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of each of A.A.'s Twelve Steps."
IF THEY HAVE DONE STEPS AND DIDN'T GAIN HUMILITY, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE IF THE POINT IS HUMILITY?
Big Book pg 62 (describing Step 10)
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
SOUNDS LIKE THESE ANGRY AAs HAVEN'T CEASED FIGHTING "ANYTHING OR ANYONE" DOES IT.
Not using and knowing a bunch of stuff about A.A. does not mean you worked the program that is outlined in the book, nor does it make you healthy. You can all it sobriety or not call it that. If a person is not healthy, THEY ARE JUST PLAIN NOT HEALTHY!!!!!!! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.
In Unity, Service & Recovery
Wade H.
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