I wish I could bring myself to just say screw it and drink

[happycamper]

I'm hanging on by a thread today.

I'm coming up on one year of continuous sobriety on Dec 1. I relapsed last Thanksgiving so I knew this week might be kind of weird. Of course I hadn't counted on one of my dear childhood friends dying from this disease as well as a failed 12th step call on my dad happening this week either.

My disease is talking to me today. And loudly. And all I can seem to do is isolate and listen. This grieving has been horrible over the past 2 weeks. I had been sticking close to the program but haven't been to a meeting since Tuesday.

My ego is grabbing ahold. My husband, who is a "normie" by just about every standard has made a couple comments this week that my sick mind has turned and twisted into him not appreciating how hard it is for me to stay sober. He still doesn't "get" that I have to go to so many meetings and I did a really good job of hiding most of my drinking from him so I'm still not sure he understands. Even what he does know about he thinks is a matter of just not acting responsibly. Of course my disease is saying things like well maybe if you relapsed, and this time made it really BIG relapse then he'd appreciated your sobriety. Sick thinking, huh? Still I have to admit its seductiveness right now.

My friend who died on the 13th died from this disease. He was 38 years old. He ruptured his spleen and they couldn't operate because his liver was so messed up. For whatever reason though it seems hard to grieve his death sober.

I want to drink. I want off this merry-go-round. I just want to forget about life for a while. I'm tired of dealing with this heavy heart. Part of me feels like I want to drink now since there's such a good excuse. The insanity is exhausting. I felt a little better yesterday and did for a little today, but all I can think of right now is if I could just find something to do with my kids then I could drink. My DH took DS at a train show for the day and it's time for DD's nap.

I feel like at least I'm writing this, that's good. And that maybe if I really was going to drink, I'd just do it instead of writing about it. I dunno. I'm just taking an hour at a time right now.

[keyrod]

I feel you maggie

rick

[MootPoint]

You know that if you drink things will get worse!

You've seen what this disease will do first hand because of your friend. You don't want to die like that! Your friend wouldn't want you to die like that. The best way to grieve and to show your friendship is to not drink.

Re your 12 step call on your father. This one failed. That doesn't mean that the next one, or the 12 step call of another will fail. Maybe he will get it on his own. You'll never know if you are drunk.

The fact that you wrote this says you don't want to drink. Cling to that. And keep posting!

[junem]

Happycamper,
I feel for you today. It is hard when our disease comes a calling and nags at us relentlessly with destructive thinking. I also understand not wanting to feel your pain at this moment. However, you are feeling sorrow and ,like it or not, that is a normal response that even "normies" would be experiencing in your circumstance so therefore it is a sign of progress. While active in our disease and during the early days of sobriety while in our fog, we were incapable of feeling human emotions in the normal way. You have made progress. Be kind and loving to yourself as you would a friend who is grieving. Also I think your friend who recently died from our disease is hoping that you use his death to stregnthen your commitment to health and not as an excuse to destroy all the good you have done for yourself so far. That way his death will serve some kind of noble purpose. I pray for you today. Be courageuos and try to reach out to people in the prograam at this time. You need and deserve thier support. june

[Time2Surrender]

H C,I am glad you are here and not drinking.One year in a couple days! That is awesome.I can relate to the grieving.I been there.I was engaged to marry a girl,3 weeks before our wedding day the police came to my house with some bad news.http://www.co.washington.or.us/sheri...a/ftl_1car.htmNo words came descibe the pain I felt and the grieving I went through.However,it does pass.I promise. Drinking will not bring your friend back.And it will not releive the pain either.It will only intensify it.I know from experience.Hang in there and keep coming back.

[3legacy]

I'm just taking an hour at a time right now.

How are things going this hour?
3Legs

[NoMoBeer]

Maggie--my thoughts and prayers are with you. Be strong, call your sponsor, get to a meeting. Anything but drink. It will not change what is going on, all that crap will still be there when you come around.

Keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

God bless,

Ken

[Don W]

Hi Happycamper, I went through the same thing as I approached 1 year. It is a very common problem. Many time in the past I was at the point you speak of and drank. No matter how bad things were they got worse. And, what ever little I gained during that year I lost. The worst of all was the loss of what little self respect I'd gained back. I think this is the time when they seperate those that want to drink and those that do not. You spoke of all the stuff going on around you. Don't kid yourself and do what I did. I used everything as an excuse to drink. They are all excuses, not one of them is a reason to drink. Put your foot down with yourself. Only you can make yourself drink. You must decide which you want to do more. Just by posting here you've shown you want to stay sober more. The best suggestion I can give is to keep yourself in a safe place. All of us at times have a desire to drink, I feel the difference is where you are when you have it. Ther are a hole list of places, you need to decide the wrong places, AA Meeting, church, home, Dunkin Donuts etc. or clubs, bars, package stores, etc. Maggie, my prayers are with you. Just remember, when we are alone, we are in bad company. Don W

[Music]

It's really a bitch when the mind gets into that drink-thinking mode. The AA Big Book mentions how my will power is strong, except when it comes to dealing with alcohol. When I started to think about drinking, it just seemed natrual that the next thing to do was to drink. Every time I went through the thought process leading up to that first drink and caved in, the process became shorter and more automatic on the next occasion.

I remember one time when I had about six months sober and that thought process started. The good thing was that I recognized it for what it was. Up to that point, I'd been so busy going to meetings, working the steps with my sponsor and such, that I hadn't had time to get crazy and start thinking that drinking was a good idea. So, as a result I got scared. I thought, "ok, what the hell do I do now?" I called AA and couldn't get in touch with anyone. I was in an unfamiliar area so didn't know my way around and had no wheels anyway. I was in the vicinity of a lounge and could here the juke box, laughing, etc., coming out of there and that made it worse. You know what I did? I prayed!! Actually, I think I just had a conversation with my HP and told Him that I was scared and didn't know what to do. Well, I just did whatever came next. It was about dinner time but I took a nice hot shower, put on my robe and layed down on the bed with my Big Book and a tape of an AA speaker. I started to read while listening to the tape and the next thing I knew, it was morning and I felt great and have never had to deal with that process again. That was over 27 years ago and I still haven't found it necessary to drink yet today. What a miracle. I realize today that I need to learn how to reverse that drinking process. I need to realize that drinking is not going to eleviate the pain of life...but temporarily. I'm still going to have to deal with life on life's terms, not my terms. I guess God just knew that I meant business this time because as I recall, I'd never asked Him for "help" before.....and meant it. I always made deals with Him, and He always held up His end of the bargain. It was I who failed on my end. I still thank Him today for not giving up on me.


Camper, don't go through this alone. I know you aren't because you've posted here but ask your Higher Power for some help. Maybe it sounds crazy, but it can't hurt. You don't have to make a big deal out of it. I don't!! God doesn't need to hear us as much as we need to say it to Him. He already knows what we need, and He won't love us any more or less than He does right now, no matter what we've done in the past. I'm no flaming bible banger or "born-again" Christian, but I am a born-again drunk. Thank God there's such a thing as a second chance....or third chance....or maybe 800th chance. He didn't give up on me, that's for sure.

[happycamper]

Thanks you guys. I'm feeling much better for now. I went to a really good meeting this morning and I'm just doin' the deal, ya know? So far I haven't had to pick up a drink -- and that's progress. This grieving stuff is really tough, but I'm starting to feel like hopefully, *maybe* I'll come out of the other side of this with a greater relationship with my higher power -- and that too is progress from where I've been this past week.

Thanks again for the support -- it means more than you know.
Maggie

[Carol87]

Give yourself credit ... your topic title should read:

"Thank God I didn't say screw it and drink!!"

Grieving is very difficult ... I have been there done that. What I need to remember is that drinking will not make the pain disappear. It will still be there when I sober up. I found it easiest to just walk through it by feeling the feelings; lots of meetings; PRAYER; and TALKING about it to whomever was willing to listen. And to attempt to get into Acceptance that this is what has happened.

I recently released a lot of grief over the death of my parents by getting balloons with appropriate phrases, going to a special place for me, talking to God and my parents, express my thoughts and feelings, and released the balloons. It was a very healing experience and one that I continue to do, especially on what would have been special occasions.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

[MootPoint]

Yaaaaaaaaay Happycamper! Good for you for the meeting and the good attitude

So far I haven't had to pick up a drink -- and that's progress.

Yup, it is

[Cathy31]

Happycamper, that's great news! Well done! You keep it up, it sounds so so hard, but hopefully you can just try take it a day at a time and remember that absolutely nothing good comes out of engaging with alcohol.

Well done and keep it up!

Cathy

[Don W]

Good for you Happycamper. Don W

[CAPTAINZING2000]

have you heard think think think. I always wondered y someone would say that. I've always heard my best thinking got me here. If, the thoughts are there, you have to change what you're doing call the sponser or, anyone in AA you have a # of. That's y we give out our #'s. You mentioned Highwer Power, you get a grasp of the second and the 3rd step. This helps. Start the day on your knees. in meditation to what ever your higher power is. It makes a day go so much better

[happycamper]

Thanks you guys for all the support. Today I celebrate one year of sobriety! I relapsed last Thanksgiving so I knew this week might be kind of weird anyway and with everything else that's been going on, it's been rough. But for whatever reason (and apparently I'm not going to be let in on the secret), I'm still sober today. The insanity of dealing with this grief is exhausting sometimes, but I'm trudging on like a good soldier, hoping that some day if indeed there is another side to pass on to, or some kind of universal well of knowledge, I'll get the chance to get some my questions answered.

Thanks again for letting me go on and on about this. It's really quite helpful to write it all down.

[Brookie]

Wow! I just got a chill. Congratulations Maggie. That's wonderful.

[Don W]

Hey Camper, Great work on the year. Your doing all the right things. We are alcoholics and at times we'll think about drinking. The key is what we do to deal with those thoughts. Getting them out in the open like you did makes the weaker, instead of growing stronger in that fertile place we call our brain. Don W

[ted]

THANK YOU HAPPY CAMPER,IT'S STORIES LIKE YOURS THAT GIVE ME HOPE.
TRULY INSPIRING,BIG CONGRADULATIONS
ONE YEAR
............ted

[sherbear5104]

Way to go Maggie,

One year is great. It truly is peple like you that inspire the rest of us.

[MootPoint]

Right on Maggie!