At the crossroads

[jlo34]

I am still desperately struggling. I'm having a really hard time talking with people and being completely honest. I divulge very little detail. I'm use to control and being in charge. With the loss of my career (due to injury), I'm no longer in control. I feel justified. Workman's comp disputed, so now that's going to court. I'm rageful about this. I'm resentful. I know I need to start letting go or I'm gonna be dead. I don't know how NOT to be in control. I feel so overwhelmed and almost dizzy, my head is spinning so fast. My disease is talking real sweet too. I was talking with a secondary-type sponsor last night and I remembered something. I remembered when it was I swore to myself and God that I would never lose control, I would never be powerless again. I feel I've allowed it to happen again. Probably why I'm a control-freak. I feel like I'm going crazy, insane. I can't (won't) find the willingness. There's a small part of me that wants to change, but there's a whole lot more of me that is way too afraid too. I don't know how to surrender. I don't know how to let go. Please any suggestions or butt-kicking would be appreciated. I'm having a really hard time getting off this pity-party with the terminal uniqueness theme and enough anger to kill (me).
Thanks,
Jen

[NoMoBeer]

...Hi Jen -- I'm Ken, and I'm an alcoholic.

Sounds like you are still struggling with Step One. Oddly enough, we had some great discussions about that last night at our meeting.

Sounds too like you've got yourself in a dilemma -- you said you swore to God you would never be powerless again. To me, that would put me in a dilemma for sure. I AM powerless over alcohol (first part of step one) AND people, places and things. Because of that, and my alcoholic attempts to inflict my own will on my life, life is unmanageable (second part of step one). If you want "a kick in the butt," you need to go back to step one, admit you are powerless over alcohol (and people, places, things) and that your life is unmanageable. I am certainly no expert, but if I were in your shoes, I would find a good sponsor and get busy -- we don't want to see you go out there...

As far as your disease speaking sweetly to you, yup -- that SOB will do that. The demon will tell you you'r great, you don't have a problem, you can control drinking, etc. etc. etc. Then once you take that first drink, it will tell you you're a piece of sh!t again, just like always. Been there, done that....

Jen, hope you can find your way along the path, somedays it's really tough, and somedays all I can do is not pick up the damned drink, but thank God all I have to deal with is one day at a time.

BTW, the best "butt-kicker" on this board (and I mean that with great respect) is Music, hopefully he'll be along shortly to comment...

Keep the faith!

Ken

[MootPoint]

Hey Jen

You have to really, really want it!

You say you are a control freak. I'm sure you know that your best thinking got you into active addiction. I don't know where you are with your recovery, but it sounds like you are hitting an impasse now.

I'd suggest you go back to Step 1, pick up that phone and call other alcoholics, talk to you sponsor..

There's a small part of me that wants to change, but there's a whole lot more of me that is way too afraid too

But you are going to change no matter what you do. That's the nature of living. Shouldn't you direct your change in a direction that pleases you?

Re the disease speaking sweetly to you... its out there, doing pushups, just waiting for us all. It's patient. Please don't let it catch you again.

Please keep posting and reading here, and let us know how it goes.

[jlo34]

I have mentioned this on another posting. Where I live the female sponsors are sober, but don't do a lot of step work or are too busy or both. Mine is usually both. I have picked out a few long-time men to speak with. I've been around long enough to know men-to-men, women-to-women, the point is: I'M DESPERATE. I'm not finding the help with the women. I'm seeking out anyone who can help. Somehow, I NEED to stop obsessing over alcohol, prescription narcotics, and the rage and resentment I feel towards myself (and God). I am going back into old behaviors of when you feel shame and guilt you punish yourself by doing this...etc. I've lost 15 pounds since last Thursday, I can't get motivated to eat (much). I'm driving like a reckless idiot, just hoping a deer or something will run in front of my car...I have to force myself to focus and not cross lanes into the front of a semi...I just started back to work, not my normal job, being trained for dispatch, and I hate it. I keep considering putting myself in a stress unit, but I'm a health professional (and I don't want anyone to know). I am thinking a bit more on the counseling. I have a really hard time with therapy. I have serious trust issues, and can't seem (unwilling) to share with a stranger. I'm at the point though where this is going to be a matter of life or death, literally. I haven't been patient enough to listen for God's answer, that and I'm too pissed off at Him to care. I just want so badly to escape...for all of this to be gone. Rationally, I know I HAVE TO do a lot of work. I know I need to do steps 1-7, immediately. I did a partial 4 and 5 earlier this week and felt better for a few days. I'm back in though. This hole is getting darker and darker, the light at the end of the tunnel seems like a facade. I don't know how to get the willingness to get out of this spot. I feel like I'm falling more and more each day that I pretend everything is ok.
Jen

[laurie6781]

Hey Jen:

Your disease will eventually make you willing or it will kill you.

I too was like you. I eventually lost everything, even the roof over my head, and still I kept practising my disease while living on the streets.

I was too bullheaded and stubborn and my disease had become My God.

My disease finally killed me. Yep, I had to die. The doctor was writing the time of death on my medical chart when my heart started up on its own.

That was June 7th, 1981.

To be perfectly honest with you Jen, it is your disease telling you that you have been in control.

Sweetie, get off the "pity pot" and get your butt to a meeting, and then to another and another. Open that Big Book and start reading it, starting in the forward with "The Doctor's Opinion."

I will be happy to work with you thru email and phone calls (I have unlimited long distance calling as I have sponsees all over the world). PM me if you so desire and I will send you my email address.

You have to WANT sobriety more than you want to practice your disease. I believe you do or you wouldn't be posting here.

I will also tell you that I fought the Social Security Administration for two years and seven months before I finally got my disability. It was rough, but certainly not as rough as it would have been if I had let my disease once more lure me back in. IT DIDN'T and my SSI finally came through this last May.

I LIVE the 12 Steps One Day At A Time, and I still remember what it took to get to be able to do that. Afterall that is what the progam is about, learning how to Live Sober, and Live a pretty damn good life too.

Again, please feel free to contact me if you so chose. Sobriety is the HARDEST task I have ever attempted in my life, and it has also been the MOST REWARDING task I have ever had. In those early months and years when I wrote what my dreams for my life were, I shorted myself, roflmao.

If my HP is willing, next June 7th, I will not only celebrate 24 years of sobriety, but I will have reached the 1/2 way point. I will be sober as long as I drank.

YOU TOO CAN DO THAT JEN!!!!!

My prayers are with you.

Love and (((((to all))))),

[BubbaBob]

First, quit trying so hard. I have found it impossible to MAKE anything good happen. If I insist on God letting me know His will for me today, and, dammit, let me know RIGHT NOW, I learn nothing. If I just quietly make room in my mind for His will to enter, it does. Don't force it, let it.

Second, and this is heresy to some, if you are having trouble finding a good female sponsor, get a male one. I've heard the admonition "men helping men, women helping women" for a long time, but I believe God would have it be "people (God's children) helping people (more God's children).

BubbaBob
"I thought sobriety would open the gates of heaven and let me in.
I was dissappointed when it didn't happen,
Then I found that, instead, it had opened the gates of hell and let me out."

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by BubbaBob

BubbaBob
"I thought sobriety would open the gates of heaven and let me in.
I was dissappointed when it didn't happen,
Then I found that, instead, it had opened the gates of hell and let me out."

I like that Bubba,Im gonna use that one.It couldnt be more true for me.

[nutz]

Acceptance can be a SOB sometimes.
Powerless?...That's like me letting go of the damn steering wheel.
Lower my expectations when all my life I was told to never settle for less.
Let go and go with the flow when I was train to be in control.

I control my feelings and emotions real good alright.
sholve it and stuffed it.
Being angry was bad
Crying ment I wasn't a man or a puss
Numb myself so I can funtion to meet a vision of what social or society's standard,
I had in my head or what I was informed of what it ment to be a successful person.

Deep down inside I hurted.
I fear everything might fall apart just right around the coner.

My losts hurt like hell. Might be nothing to others but it's important to me, damn it.
I get real **** at others but mostly at myself for falling short. No, not me I never
f-up.

Today
I write a lot
I read a lot
I cry when I have to
I get angry when I have to...I learn to direct that energy.
I ask for help cuz I'm not freaken superman and don't have all the answers.
What a god damn relief to not have to live up to that image (illusion)I had, anymore.

Human I am. That sun raise every morning without my help or doing.
I'm not to denial myself of that (all of me), might be his/it will for me.

Nasty, nasty habits I have.
It didn't happened over night.

[jlo34]

There's some power. I was talking with someone from AA last night. We were talking about my back injury and the pain I'm in and the options. He mentioned something to the effect of "allowing / letting people help me". Immediately, the first thing that popped in my head is....I can't. If I let others help me, that means I'm weak. I can't depend on anyone. I have to depend and rely solely on me. I can never show anyone that I am weak. I think he said something to the effect of, "Jen, that's really sick." I do believe that though, to a point. Obviously not completely, since I finally mustered the courage to become a member and have posted in desperation. I feel it IS my responsibility to handle the kids, appointments, work, house stuff, etc. etc. If I fall short, then I don't meet MY expectations, therefore, I'm not good enough. I'm not strong enough. I don't want anyone to see my weaknesses. They are my secrets. Wow.....you know, rereading this....it is pretty sick. I feel in control if I'm in charge and do all of these things. I feel I have to be superwoman - it's my job. I feel guilty if I don't. I feel I'm letting my family or whomever down. I feel shame, guilt, remorse, anger, resentment, rage, etc. All of those feelings reflect on ME, so then my sick, twisted little brain things I need to be reprimanded, so I go back to old behaviors. I quit eating, quit trying, quit doing, drive reckless, get depressed, get suicidal, make stupid choices. I don't know how I got programmed to do this, I believe I programmed myself when I was drinking that if I felt bad...I had to do something worse to myself - two wrongs make a right?!? I don't know.
Still messed up in the head, doing a bit better. Not feeling entirely suicidal today, THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still in the funk, but better. Thanks all, have a great day!
Love,
Jen

[2dayzmuse]

(((Jen)))

I'm glad you're feeling better today. When you start to feel as if you're losing control, breathe deep. Slow down and try to do something relaxing. There is a plan, just let it fall into place. Take a look at your life around you, then try to figure out what it is your suppose to learn from it. Everything happens for a reason. It takes time to straighten our hectic lives out. We do tend to make a mess of things at times. I do anyway. Allow yourself to be human and be kind to yourself. Your worth it. Sometimes we are our own worse enemy. I have to learn to not be so hard on myself. I'm getting much better at it. We all make mistakes and have our weaknesses. Working the steps has brought a sense of ease back into my life. You can get through this. Continue to go to your meetings. I would strongly advise you to stick with a female sponsor. Male/female can complicate things immensly. The best of intentions can go awry. The repercussions can be long lasting. It's hard enough as it is, why risk the extra complications? Who needs it? Good luck...I'm rooting for you.

LeAnne

[ted]

HEY JEN ,WE WERE DISCUSSING AT A MTG. THE OTHER NIGHT,(SURRENDER TO WIN).
BY SURRENDERING WE BECOME OPEN TO FINDING A BETTER WAY TO LIVE.
I THINK MOST ALCOHOLICS ARE CONTROL FREAKS IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER.
FOR ME UNTIL I BECAME HONEST,OPENMINDED,AND WILLING,
I WAS STUCK.
I JUST HAD TO QUIT FIGHTING MYSELF,AND REALISE I DIDN'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
GOD HAS MORE POWER THAN ME,I'LL LET HIM HANDLE THINGS.
KEEP COMING BACK,YOU DESERVE SOBRIETY!!!
...............ted