This is a ramble, so prepare to read!

[goldneon7]

Hello Everyone,

It's really great to see all the newcomers and all the old timers too! This forum was instrumental in my getting sober and it is really great to see all of you here!!!

I wanted to talk about something I had something happen that really sucked and I'd like to put it out there for anyone who can relate, because this is a first for me and I'm really hurt and confused, and I don't want to do anything stupid.

I got sober on Jan 4, 2004, so it's been almost a year. I got a sponsor whom I've had the entire time. We had gotten quite close and had been friends as well as sponsor/sponsee. I thought things were going well. There has only been one time that she pissed me off, and it was several months ago. We talk about many aspects of my life and at that time, my relationship with my boyfriend was one of those. At one point it became apparent to me that she was judging me or judging my relationship because she got exasperated--I guess because I wasn't making the choices with him she thought were correct, and she told me very pointedly that "from that point forward, we will not discuss that relationship anymore". I remember feeling like her reaction was out of line. In my mind I couldn't figure out why any topic about any relationship that affects my sobriety would be "off limits", but I didn't feel like getting into a confrontation over it. I discussed it lightly with her a couple of weeks later when she asked me about him again. I thought it was odd she would bring it up after she was so aggressive about making the topic off limits, and so from then on I have deliberately chosen to heavily limit what I say about that relationship to her because I don't want her judging it. In retrospect I should have told her just that, but we just sort-of laughed it off, although it permanently changed how I felt I could relate to her.

We continued to meet every week, I continue to attend meetings weekly, I am working on my 8th step, I have been really doing well, and have been happy, despite the normal frustrations of life, I have been coping very well. She has seemed supportive, but often has said how much better I am doing in my first year than she was in her first. I have also noticed many times that in conversation she will make light of other people with a few years of sobriety or less, as though that time is just "nothing" (she has 15 years), although she is very encouraging of my sobriety.

Several times over the last couple months, she has made plans with me (as a friend, not sponsor/sponsee related), and then when it comes time, she will call and try to push our plans down later in the day, which has resulted in us not getting together, as I have already scheduled other things. When that has happened, she has seemed to be okay with it saying things like "oh well, if it doesn't work out for today, that's fine, we can maybe get together again next week". It has been confusing to me when she has done that because I am a scheduler--I have to be. I have 2 jobs, belong to AA and a business networking group, and I have a 7 year old daughter, so for me, plans are plans. If someone cancels plans, it doesn't upset me, but even my days off are scheduled, I rarely have a "free" day when I can just drift and meet with whomever, whenever. Anyway, I know I am rambling, but I'm trying to give the key details leading up to what happened because I think it may all figure in.

So last week, she and I were supposed to get together as sponsor/sponsee to do sobriety stuff. I developed a migraine at work that day, and called her to cancel. I think that was the only time I have ever asked her to reschedule, I don't think I've ever cancelled before. I asked about the following night and she said she thought her son was coming over that night, but she'd get back to me. The next day came and I didn't hear from her until I received a message from her that she thought we were supposed to be meeting. I called her and explained that I didn't hear from her, and didn't want to interrupt her time with her son, I figured we'd just get together later. She didn't remember saying that she'd get back to me. At the end of the conversation we discussed maybe getting together over the weekend, although I was going to have my daughter that weekend, she asked me to call her around noon on Sat. Sat. morning came and she called me as I was preparing to leave for errands. She laughed and explained she mis-dialed, she thought she'd dialed her son. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was going to run errands but would still call her when I got done. Around noon I was leaving from one place and headed to the next, and my phone rang again, it was her. She asked if we could push our plans down to the evening. I told her I had already made plans, but would call her when I was done with my errands. After my errands, I thought it might be nice to just drop by and say hello since we were having trouble connecting, and my daughter & I were in the area, so I called her and asked if we could drop by. She started acting really weird but said it was fine. From the second she opened the door I knew something was very off, she was acting very annoyed, and I was really confused, but my daughter was there, so I thought maybe we'd just chat for a moment and leave. I told her I thought maybe we'd had a misunderstanding about our plans and she said in a kind of guilting way that she thought we were going to spend more time than us just "stopping by", but we proceed to make small talk, and I thought it was going to be ok, and I would just bring up the issues later.

We continued chatting about different things, and then there was a pause. The tv was on, and my daughter was watching it. Out of the blue she said she needed to get something off her chest and then launched into this bit about how she doesn't want to feel like meeting with her is just something I need to "get over with", etc. I felt very uncomfortable because my daughter was sitting right next to us. I explained that that was not how I felt about her and that we just had a misunderstanding about time. I then told her that this was not the first time we'd gotten our wires crossed, that I felt it had been difficult to schedule things with her. She then proceeded to tell me that everyone's sobriety and how they work it is their own choice, but that she didn't thinkone meeting a week was enough for someone with "only 9 months", and that my life was getting so busy that she felt it to be pushing my sobriety out. That is when I started to get really pissed, but I remained calm, and told her that I disagree, but now is clearly not the appropriate time to get in to all of this. She then began to cry and said ok, ok, forget it , this has nothing to do with you, this is just my stuff, stood up and seemed to be rushing us out the door. I went over to her and gave her a hug and said again that I considered her a friend, and was just trying to be friendly by stopping by. We then left, and I had to ask my daughter how she felt about what happened, and if it worried her, and had to explain to her that I was fine and everything was fine, for her not to worry. I really resented having to do that, and felt totally confused, hurt, attacked, and upside-down.

Now I don't know what to do, I will be fine, I don't feel like drinking, but I'm an ACOA and trust is huge with me. I spent 10 months of my life trusting this person, who knows all my triggers and knows details of my life very well, and I feel like she used them against me, and did it in front of my daughter. I felt as though it came out of nowhere. She has never done this before, and I had no indication that she'd been building up resentment or anything. I am shocked that she behaved this way over a simple misunderstanding, in front of my 7 year old. Part of me says "she's human, and we all make mistakes", but the other part of me feels like what she did was so far out of line, that I don't want to be involved with her at all anymore. I can forgive her, I can understand if she was having a bad day, but if that was the case she should have just told me we'd get together another time. I don't want anything like that to happen again, it totally violated my trust, and put my daughter in an uncomfortable & inappropriate position.

What do I do???

Nicole

[MootPoint]

You know your limitations. You are a scheduler and she is not. She is more of a "go with the flow" sort of person.

I feel like she used them[triggers] against me, and did it in front of my daughter.

I cannot advise you, but that seems like a red flag. Can you discuss this openly with her?

I'd suggest you thinking about whether or not your relationship is working as sponsor/sponsee. I have had 3 sponsors that didn't work out for various reasons. However, I am friends with all of them.

[bballdad]

Remember your sponser is a alcoholic too and she is " not quite well yet " also.
We are not perfect people
I find the best suggestions are forgiveness and love
the book says love and tolerance is our code.
If you have made that much progress in the program so far,something good is working and I encourage you to keep it working by focusing on the steps and trying to get to some more meetings a week and maybe try and see her at a meeting.Just a suggestion.

One more thing you may want to consider-look for all the good things in the sponser/sponsee relationship,sometimes we just see the negative so easy

I would suggest you giving this a try and see how it works -and please say a prayer or two for her

good luck!

[Cap3]

Today i have a great sponsor.She doesnt tell me what to do with my life.Who i should see.When i should see them.How i should live.What i should think.I can cry,and she hugs me and has compassion for me.She understands.She lets me,do what i feel that i need to do.She believes in live and let live.She is my guide.She guides me through the steps.I can tell her anything,and she keeps this to herself,no judgements,or comments.She ..listens.And she shares,what it was like for her, and what her life is like today living in program,and how she works program,into the issues of all her life.And when i ask what should i do,she always refers me to a chapter in the recovery books.Sometimes this makes me mad.Because i at times just want her to give me the answers to issues that i had.,or have.She smiles,and says,simply,,this program works,,when you work it..She tells me that she cannot work the program for me.I must do the work.What a blessing for me this women is.She gives me the freedom to work this program,to seek,search and find my answers,..And after working program on an certain issue that im having at the time, ,im excited because i have leaned something.And of course i call her to tell her..smile....Some are sicker than others.This is the truth.Ive had sponsors that ive had to let go.It just wasnt working between us.And im so glad that i took the action to tell the truth that it wasnt working for me.Let them go with love.This lead me to my sponsor i have today...
thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care..

[Music]

First off, if I were your sponsor, and found out that you were here talking about me instead of talking to me, I'd fire you on the spot.
Secondly, noone here should make any comments about your sponsor without first hearing her side of the story. You said yourself that she knows you inside and out. The people on this board don't know either one of you except what you've shared here which can be slightly one-sided to say the least.
Thirdly, when I take on a new pigeon, the first piece of advice I give him is that he not get involved in any new relationships, if he's not in one. If he's married or already in a relationship, we talk about what's going on but I'm not a relationship counselor. I can only share what I'm qualified to share and that has to do with alcoholism. If he decides to get involved after the warning, he's on his own. I won't discuss the relatioinship with him. That's his choice! When I came to AA I was married for about 15 years so my sponsor and I talked about some things but the main focus was on ME. My sobriety was the most important thing because it was the only thing I had any control over. Whether the marriage worked out or not was not my choice. My whole focus was on working the steps and staying sober because without that, my marriage would fail for sure.
Lastly, if you don't want your daughter mixed up in things, don't take her with you. I'd have doen the same thing in that situation. My concern is not what the kid hears. You aren't obligated to explain things to your daughter. I'd guess you were more upset about her hearing what was said than she was.
My bottom line here is that you need to be talking to your sponsor, not bringing your laundry here. If you aren't comfortable with your sponsor, only you know. If I give direction to one of my guys and he doesn't follow it, that's ok. But, if a problem arises, he can't say he was warned.
Balance is the key here. AA, work, love and play. AA is there first for a reason. If you're an alcoholic, and you put anything in front of your sobriety, I believe the result will be negative. Sobriety has to come first, even before your daughter.

[goldneon7]

Thank you Moot, Bballdad, Cap3, & music for your input!

I am feeling much more resolved about things today. I figured out how I really felt, and of course more things happened that helped me along. Cap3, I really appreciated what you said and believe that approach is very healthy, and I think it is so awesome that you have found that in your sponsor. I am not a "pigeon" who needs to have my ass kicked into submission. I am also an ACOA, so I've already had enough ass kicking to last a life time or two. My sobriety is definitely the most important thing, but my sponsor does not equal my sobriety. My sobriety = the work that I am doing, and if anyone, sponsor, friend, anyone does something that threatens or interferes with it, then I need to do whatever it takes to restore the peace and continue on with my sobriety and serenity. Thank God for me, part of that restoration process involves coming to this site and bringing whatever "laundry" here I like, because it is the wonderful people here on this site, and the things they have to say which led me to become involved in AA and get sober.

So thanks again, guys and God bless!!!

Nicole