"Private" AA Meetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 89
"Private" AA Meetings
Hello,
Here where I am currently living there is a woman who holds a "private" women's aa meeting in her house. She personally invites only those she wants to attend and if you are not invited then you are most definitely not welcome. There is also a local man who holds a "private" men's meeting in his garage. That meeting seems to be open to whoever wants to go, but not being a man I am not so sure.
The women's group is very divisive and many woman who do go feel pressured to stay and when they want to leave they are called and bullied back into the group. Being a small town many of these women feel they have no choice, be part of this 'secret' group or be left out. We don't have the best recovery here as a result and many women in that group and outside of it do not stay sober. Women in general here do not stay sober, or do not stay in the community. They move away.
I have not been invited to this non-aa women's group and as a result I am considered an outsider. I tend to talk to all the other 'outsider' women and we do ok on our own. My thought is that this is incredibly unhealthy and that what this one woman is doing to promoting herself and causing division in the women in town. It is very sad and troubling.
Thoughts? It is not an aa meeting tho they say they read the big book. The same for the men's meeting - they are not registered meetings but they are personal private groups. I don't know how much longer I will live here, for reasons such as this. Appreciate any thoughts on dealing with this -
Here where I am currently living there is a woman who holds a "private" women's aa meeting in her house. She personally invites only those she wants to attend and if you are not invited then you are most definitely not welcome. There is also a local man who holds a "private" men's meeting in his garage. That meeting seems to be open to whoever wants to go, but not being a man I am not so sure.
The women's group is very divisive and many woman who do go feel pressured to stay and when they want to leave they are called and bullied back into the group. Being a small town many of these women feel they have no choice, be part of this 'secret' group or be left out. We don't have the best recovery here as a result and many women in that group and outside of it do not stay sober. Women in general here do not stay sober, or do not stay in the community. They move away.
I have not been invited to this non-aa women's group and as a result I am considered an outsider. I tend to talk to all the other 'outsider' women and we do ok on our own. My thought is that this is incredibly unhealthy and that what this one woman is doing to promoting herself and causing division in the women in town. It is very sad and troubling.
Thoughts? It is not an aa meeting tho they say they read the big book. The same for the men's meeting - they are not registered meetings but they are personal private groups. I don't know how much longer I will live here, for reasons such as this. Appreciate any thoughts on dealing with this -
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Going by the regulations of my local Intergroup. ..this meeting could not be listed or advertised anywhere as an AA meeting if it's restrictive. It would not make it on to any meetings lists and could not be announced at other meetings.
Of course you can't stop people holding private meetings.
The behaviour sounds concerning G and very un-AA. If there specific concerns about abuse or harassment of 'members' I guess the police could be contacted otherwise I would keep a close eye on anyone I knew who attended and put it in the 'none of my business' category.
P
Of course you can't stop people holding private meetings.
The behaviour sounds concerning G and very un-AA. If there specific concerns about abuse or harassment of 'members' I guess the police could be contacted otherwise I would keep a close eye on anyone I knew who attended and put it in the 'none of my business' category.
P
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
When I started in recovery, the best meetings were the one that were not on the schedule but were learned about through word of mouth.
However, none of these would ever have turned anyone away. They were open to all.
However, none of these would ever have turned anyone away. They were open to all.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Much as I like to pass judgment on other groups, it's none of my business. I feel like it's my job to maintain my spiritual condition and to do God's will.
What happens at a meeting (especially one I haven't been to and don't regularly attend) has no impact on my primary purpose.
What happens at a meeting (especially one I haven't been to and don't regularly attend) has no impact on my primary purpose.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I wouldn`t call it a AA meeting or an AA group but just a gathering
I have seen many of these and usually,they don`t last too long.
Thats the beauty of the AA program,we can get together with whom we wish,any time we wish,any where we wish and study AA
We don`t have to wait until a official meeting
at one time I had 8 sponsees and we got together at my house on Thursday nights and go into my back room and study things out of the big book.It was more efficient that way than to meet 8 guys separately.
what they do in those small home gatherings are their business,not mine
you can always start your own gathering,some of the best AA I have experienced was around the kitchen table with several guys and a pot of coffee
I have seen many of these and usually,they don`t last too long.
Thats the beauty of the AA program,we can get together with whom we wish,any time we wish,any where we wish and study AA
We don`t have to wait until a official meeting
at one time I had 8 sponsees and we got together at my house on Thursday nights and go into my back room and study things out of the big book.It was more efficient that way than to meet 8 guys separately.
what they do in those small home gatherings are their business,not mine
you can always start your own gathering,some of the best AA I have experienced was around the kitchen table with several guys and a pot of coffee
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi
Sounds like the " Mean Girls" clique from the movie except that they have grown up and developed an alcohol problem. I hope you are not too hurt they did not invite you, it's a reflection on them not on you
Why don't you get together with a couple of other "outsider" women and start an all inclusive women's group?
You know what they say about starting a meeting. All you need is a resentment and a coffee pot
Sounds like the " Mean Girls" clique from the movie except that they have grown up and developed an alcohol problem. I hope you are not too hurt they did not invite you, it's a reflection on them not on you
Why don't you get together with a couple of other "outsider" women and start an all inclusive women's group?
You know what they say about starting a meeting. All you need is a resentment and a coffee pot
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
I agree with Tommy that 'special' groups with 'special 'purposes often blow themselves out. They drift from Primary Purpose and ego problems cause fall outs and become the downfall of the group.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 89
Lol, Carlotta I think you got it right. I do feel honored that I have never been invited. : )
The women who have been excluded are the ones with long time sobriety and who work other programs, and are generally considered to be open and reasonably friendly types. Myself included, at least that's what alot of people tell me. The private group women cling together and are, well - they are not very nice in my opinion. Whatever. It's their choice but sometimes it becomes very hostile and the situation seems very unhealthy on many levels. I try and be friendly to all and these other women keep their distance, I think they know if they challenge me they will get an earful so they are respectful - from a distance.
Yes, mean girls with an alcohol problem. I talk to alot of men as a result and I enjoy their lack of drama and appreciate the straightforwardness.
Thanks everyone, good thoughts -
The women who have been excluded are the ones with long time sobriety and who work other programs, and are generally considered to be open and reasonably friendly types. Myself included, at least that's what alot of people tell me. The private group women cling together and are, well - they are not very nice in my opinion. Whatever. It's their choice but sometimes it becomes very hostile and the situation seems very unhealthy on many levels. I try and be friendly to all and these other women keep their distance, I think they know if they challenge me they will get an earful so they are respectful - from a distance.
Yes, mean girls with an alcohol problem. I talk to alot of men as a result and I enjoy their lack of drama and appreciate the straightforwardness.
Thanks everyone, good thoughts -
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
Those certainly don't sound like AA meetings. You must meet certain criteria to be an actually AA meeting.
Are they sponsorship meetings? My sponsorship line has sponsorship meets, one of them weekly before an actual AA meeting that we all attend afterwards. My sponsor and grand sponsor make it very clear these are not AA meetings and they will share their opinion on things that don't necessary follow the AA doctrine or approved material. Because they share opinion and give interpretation on the Big Book, they don't allow those outside of the sponsorship line to attend. It's also a nice bonding time for the group and a place we can share and ask questions that you may not want to ask in a meeting.
Are they sponsorship meetings? My sponsorship line has sponsorship meets, one of them weekly before an actual AA meeting that we all attend afterwards. My sponsor and grand sponsor make it very clear these are not AA meetings and they will share their opinion on things that don't necessary follow the AA doctrine or approved material. Because they share opinion and give interpretation on the Big Book, they don't allow those outside of the sponsorship line to attend. It's also a nice bonding time for the group and a place we can share and ask questions that you may not want to ask in a meeting.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hm.....i will need to look this up, but aren't any couple of alcoholics getting together allowed to call themselves an AA meeting, as long as they have no other affiliation as a group, and no, they can't refuse anyone who wishes to tecover.
long form, tradition three
long form, tradition three
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Maybe this is less common elsewhere, but where I got clean a lot of people start meeting regularly at site at the beach, or some office after working hours, etc. and never get listed on any official meeting schedule. These meetings do not exclude anyone. If you show up you are welcome.
And certainly there is no one person who leads it. The meetings belong to everyone and the chair rotates once a month, just like in a regular meeting.
And certainly there is no one person who leads it. The meetings belong to everyone and the chair rotates once a month, just like in a regular meeting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
How other people pursue their objectives doesn't fall into the category of things contained within the realm of my ESH. Only the things that I do or don't do fit that category.
Of course, I have opinions, but opinions don't fall into the category of things contained within the realm of my ESH, so I try to keep those to myself, because after all, opinions are an unproven entity.
Of course, I have opinions, but opinions don't fall into the category of things contained within the realm of my ESH, so I try to keep those to myself, because after all, opinions are an unproven entity.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The Big book talks about our "bringing our combined experience and knowledge to the problem. Experience is had through doing or seeing, knowledge is learned.
The problem you describe Repreive, in general terms, seems to be quite wide spread. In my home country there are areas where women say it is very hard to find a sponsor. In the same areas I have seen matriachal sponsors who sponsor all the women they can, but strangley, none of their sponsees are ever ready to sponsor, even after more than five years sobriety. The daily activities are tightly controlled by the matriach, and the control extends from what socks they wear to what service position they will hold and how they will vote on any particular issue. The sponsees live in fear.The whole deal is very cult like.
I heard on a speaker tape from another part of the world, that exactly the same thing has been happening.
My knowledge and experience tells me it is a futile exercise to try and change people or groups. They are what they are, and the spiritual laws in the traditions will hopefully sort them out eventually, like they have most problems.
In the meantime, the best place for recovered alcoholics is out in the mainstream of the fellowship, working one on one with other alcoholics. That is how this sort of thing can be changed. Make sure you know what our message is, and transmit that to the newcomer. Make sure you give them the right information. It is surely up to them what they do with it, but the practice has resulted in huge turn arounds in terms of groups growing and people staying, and they stay because they have been taught what AA is, and what it isn't.
I guess you could say it comes down to sponsorship. What we can do is endeavour to be a good sponsor. You will be amazed at how attractive that can be to the newcomer. No agenda other than to help them recover from alcoholism through the teaching and practice of the twelve steps.
The problem you describe Repreive, in general terms, seems to be quite wide spread. In my home country there are areas where women say it is very hard to find a sponsor. In the same areas I have seen matriachal sponsors who sponsor all the women they can, but strangley, none of their sponsees are ever ready to sponsor, even after more than five years sobriety. The daily activities are tightly controlled by the matriach, and the control extends from what socks they wear to what service position they will hold and how they will vote on any particular issue. The sponsees live in fear.The whole deal is very cult like.
I heard on a speaker tape from another part of the world, that exactly the same thing has been happening.
My knowledge and experience tells me it is a futile exercise to try and change people or groups. They are what they are, and the spiritual laws in the traditions will hopefully sort them out eventually, like they have most problems.
In the meantime, the best place for recovered alcoholics is out in the mainstream of the fellowship, working one on one with other alcoholics. That is how this sort of thing can be changed. Make sure you know what our message is, and transmit that to the newcomer. Make sure you give them the right information. It is surely up to them what they do with it, but the practice has resulted in huge turn arounds in terms of groups growing and people staying, and they stay because they have been taught what AA is, and what it isn't.
I guess you could say it comes down to sponsorship. What we can do is endeavour to be a good sponsor. You will be amazed at how attractive that can be to the newcomer. No agenda other than to help them recover from alcoholism through the teaching and practice of the twelve steps.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by fini 
hm.....i will need to look this up, but aren't any couple of alcoholics getting together allowed to call themselves an AA meeting, as long as they have no other affiliation as a group, and no, they can't refuse anyone who wishes to tecover.
long form, tradition three
long form, tradition three
"Closed" meetings per AA regs are those only for AA members. "Open" meetings are exactly that, open to all, alcoholic or not.
Sounds like she has a twisted kind of (psuedo?) recovery group going on here. Not something I'd want to be invited to in the first place!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 89
Thanks everyone, great comments and thoughts. I agree with you, and appreciate what you have all shared. It doesn't feel healthy to me and some of the others because of the division between inviteds/not inviteds. And it does seem to be a matriarch-sort of thing in the making.
Agree with the idea that we are only here to support the newcomer and those who seek continuing sobriety following the format and suggestions of aa and its traditions. And our past area delegate has emphasized attraction rather than promotion. Just keep being your best and doing what the traditions and literature suggest - and other wise members. In the end, people choose what they want - healthy living or more dysfunction.
And speaking of dysfunction, we do have someone who has been chairing the same once popular saturday morning meeting for going on two years or more. Tradition two states we are 'servants and not senators' and there is a reason to rotate membership. Again, in a small town some people may choose to put their own ego ahead of the needs of the group. As a result, the meeting has not been as well attended and it is slowly falling apart due to the cliques and personalities that have grown up around him. Very sad - but there it is. He won't give up the chair claiming no one will do it, yes - no one will do it because he won't give it up. You get the idea. Attraction, rather than promotion. : )
Agree with the idea that we are only here to support the newcomer and those who seek continuing sobriety following the format and suggestions of aa and its traditions. And our past area delegate has emphasized attraction rather than promotion. Just keep being your best and doing what the traditions and literature suggest - and other wise members. In the end, people choose what they want - healthy living or more dysfunction.
And speaking of dysfunction, we do have someone who has been chairing the same once popular saturday morning meeting for going on two years or more. Tradition two states we are 'servants and not senators' and there is a reason to rotate membership. Again, in a small town some people may choose to put their own ego ahead of the needs of the group. As a result, the meeting has not been as well attended and it is slowly falling apart due to the cliques and personalities that have grown up around him. Very sad - but there it is. He won't give up the chair claiming no one will do it, yes - no one will do it because he won't give it up. You get the idea. Attraction, rather than promotion. : )
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