Caldus

Hello all,

It's good to be back here again. I've been sober for almost 5 years now. Throughout sobriety I've had 3 different sponsors now.

The 1st sponsor I had was very tough. He wanted me to call him every day at the same time, read certain things every day, met him at at least 2 meetings every week, and always went to fellowship with him and the group afterwards. It was very intense. Looking back at it it was exactly what I needed at that time. I was very new and needed that level of accountability. I got to step 8 with him. After being with him for almost 2 years, it got to a point where I felt uncomfortable being with him (I had always felt uncomfortable but I figured at the beginning it was because I felt uncomfortable with AA in general and had some reservations like many people do at the beginning).

A couple of months later I got a new sponsor. He was much different. He was much less hands-on and I would see him at at least 1 meeting every week and call him once a week separately. I worked through the steps with him again. I went through all 12 steps with him. I really enjoyed working with him and liked that he wasn't an authority type figure like my 1st sponsor was. It made me feel more comfortable talking about things with him and didn't feel like I had to hold back like my 1st sponsor.

Unfortunately, late last year, he relapsed and then subsequently moved away to another state. So it was obviously not going to work out anymore. I was forced to find someone new even though I didn't want to. He gave me the number of someone he thought would be good for me. This person ended up being my new sponsor.

I started working with him late last year and got to step 8 again. While he is a good sponsor in terms of the steps and AA in general, I again do not feel comfortable with him personally for a number of reasons. He is very similar to my 1st sponsor. I haven't called him or seen him in quite a while. I just don't feel comfortable working with him anymore.

I definitely understand the importance of having a sponsor. I have been searching for a new sponsor but have not found anyone that I have felt comfortable with yet. I am having a very hard time with this for some reason. Part of the problem is that I am a very quiet person and generally shy away from approaching people in meetings (even though I go to a couple a week). On the other hand, I know that if I am not doing the steps or doing what is needed in AA, then I am regressing.

So ... I am looking for a new sponsor. I am open to talking to anyone on here who is willing to sponsor me and help me progress further in my spiritual development ... as I know there is still a ton of work to go for me. I don't like being in this regression that I am in. I'm kind of struggling and hoping to find someone new that I feel more comfortable working with. After my experience with my 2nd sponsor, I feel like it is so important. Thanks so much for reading my post.

tomsteve

before looking for another sponsor, have you brought up how you feel with your current sponsor?

Ken33xx

If you decide to make a change maybe ask someone to be a temporary sponsor.

I agreed to be a temp sponsor for a fellow new in town. He's got some ten years of sobriety .

Let's see what happens. he's yet to call me but has agreed to take over the meeting I chair for six weeks while I'm gone

Feeling comfortable is a two way street. It doesn't work if I'm not at ease with the other person

I can share my experience strength and hope but I prefer not to offer advice on marital, employment or financial matters

Grungehead

Hi Caldus,

Have you thought about maybe becoming a sponsor yourself?

I had the type of sponsor who believed in pushing a sponsee out of the nest when they were ready to fly. I have a couple of close "mentors" I talk to when needed, but I haven't had an "official" sponsor since shortly after I completed the steps. I'm not saying that there is any right or wrong way as far as sponsor-sponsee relationship go, but I've found that working with newcomers has been very rewarding while at the same time keeps me "fresh" as far as working the program.

I started out by offering to be a temporary sponsor to newcomers, introducing them to the first 3 steps, and recently I took someone through all 12 steps for the first time (I have 4+ years sober). I was kind of nervous at first at the thought of not having a sponsor, but looking back I think my sponsor was wise for encouraging me not to rely on him so much and to take what he taught me and pass it on to the next alcoholic that needs help.

paulokes

Personally I don't have anyone in my life currently I would call 'Sponsor'...I have a few good friends who walk the same path that I can talk to when I need to discuss something. I trust them, they know me and they won't "Co-sign my ********". Like me, they actively work this 12 step program in their lives.

It has been useful to revisit the steps formally at various times...I call it a 'Housecleaning'. But I don't personally think 'going through' the steps continually is a prerequisite for ongoing sobriety. Living this program today is about me actively practising and working the program in all areas of my life...not about being taken through the program again by someone else.

When you say you want people to help you in your spiritual progress/development...thats kind of what I mean. You may find this in other sober friends in the fellowship rather than a formal sponsor?

Other things to consider. ..sponsoring others...group level or above-the-group level service...getting involved in a spiritual or faith-based community outside the fellowship...Big Book Study meetings...retreats...speaking to, learning from and helping others on this forum...the possibilities are endless. Hope you find some that work for you

When you say you struggle approaching others in meetings...100% can relate to this. That was me for much of my early sobriety. Maybe if you find some opportunities to grow that will change too.

P

Caldus

Thanks for the responses so far everyone.

Point taken. You're right, it's a two-way street. That's what one of my sponsors said one time ... "I'm only here to help you through the steps and nothing more ... no financial or marital advice". I'm definitely not looking for that.

I have thought about that a lot actually. I'm kind of afraid of the idea but at the same time I could see how it could work out as long as I had a few people I talk to from time to time ... almost like having a few sponsors at once but no official title. I've seen other people in the program do that without any issues. The other thing I think about is how the Big Book never explicitly states that having a sponsor is a requirement for staying sober ... it only talks about another person being involved when you do your 5th step ... whether it's your sponsor, a priest, or someone else. I wonder what other peoples' opinions/experiences are on this matter. I may start up a separate thread for that if one isn't already created.

On the other hand, I really like what I had with my 2nd sponsor. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I think if I had something like that with one or more people and it wasn't a formal sponsor/sponsee relationship then I could see it working out. I just know that I cannot do all of this alone.

That's a great point. I know one easy thing I could get involved with is answering phones and working at the desk for a few hours a week for an AA club down the street from me.

paulokes

^^ Phone service was fantastic for me. It's a new and different experience.

P

Ken33xx

Caldus,

Like you I like to be friends with the other person and don't want a business like relationship.

I don't mind hearing about the trails and tribulations of others in the program now and then . Unfortunately, some people feel because we are both in AA that I have to listen to their on-going drama. Just can't do it anymore. I've got too much to deal with myself these days.

And while I see a need for sponsors who run a very tight ship that wasn't for me. I don't relate well to aggressive personalities either in or out of AA.

Good luck if you decide to look for a new sponsor.

sugarbear1

I meet with my sponsor one night a week, we talk and read about AA and spirituality. Alone, I can't improve upon my spirituality without learning it from someone with (24) more years sobriety than I (there's much wisdom in this! and I made it past 6 years now).

I also meet up with my sponsor at my home group and sometimes we take a meeting into a rehab together (other times it's with other people).

It is by honest communication that we have established this working relationship (friendship). It began with a discussion of boundaries and if there is a concern, we both are able to discuss it.

Maybe talk with your last sponsor and discuss options to the sponsor-sponsee relationship that you have?

Gottalife

Hi Caldus,

I have been sponsorless for 35 years. My first and only sponsor took me through the steps and then, much to my surprise given the nature of the fellowship, said I didn't need a sponsor anymore, I needed to be sponsoring.

Strange as it seemed, it was actually completely consistent with he big book, where the early members worked the steps at a good pace, usually done in a few weeks, and then got busy helping others.

Because I was a slightly bananas for my first year or two, my sponsor stuck with me for about two years after the obsession had been lifted. But his object was always to get me connected to a Power greater than myself, rather than create a dependency on him. Again this is consistent with the book, which says in effect that if we are going to solve every little problem for our sponsee, we are really doing them a disservice. "The minute we put our work on a service plane the alcoholic commences to rely on us instead of God"