Sponsor problems...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 11
Sponsor problems...
Hi SR! I am having problems with my sponsor. I am 2 1/2 Almost 3 years sober. Up until about 5 months ago, I had one sponsor. She was an elderly woman, sober for 25 years. She was just so sweet and loving and sponsored me the exact way I needed at the time. I still talk to her a lot but she was having health problems and said I should probably get a new sponsor so i did. The new lady I picked is only sober a bit longer than me but older and much wiser. We don't seem to be connecting. I was having issues with my cell phone and was having trouble reaching her for a couple weeks. She basically told me that she thought that was a flat out lie and that I simply didn't want to contact her. Why would I lie about that? I have been diligent about calling my sponsor since day 1. I only talked to my old one about once or twice a week after the first year. She was also acting very odd on the phone today. I'm taking dinner to my first sponsor tomorrow night bc her disabled daughter passed away over the weekend. Should I tell her what's going on even tho she has so much on her plate? Should I ask her to sponsor me again? That's what I really want. I don't know what to do. Should I stick it out with this new one? I'm just so resentful at her right now. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Sounds as if new sponsor has some insecurity issues.
I would consider either finding someone else or raising it directly with them . Something like 'I have no reason to lie about my phone and I was offended when you suggested I did'. How this person reacts will tell you volumes.
I think it's OK to move on in sobriety...find that we have outgrown people. Although you've only known this person a while maybe you've outgrown them
P
I would consider either finding someone else or raising it directly with them . Something like 'I have no reason to lie about my phone and I was offended when you suggested I did'. How this person reacts will tell you volumes.
I think it's OK to move on in sobriety...find that we have outgrown people. Although you've only known this person a while maybe you've outgrown them
P
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 11
Thank u for replying. I have thought about just being upfront with her and telling her how i feel. I just get so nervous doing that. I have horrible issues with conflict. But I think at some point it needs to be done bc we are in the same circle of friends and I don't want things to be awkward between us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
I have two sponsors and I speak to them both once or twice a week. If they wanted me to call them daily, I would speak to them once or twice a week. If that wasn't good enough, then move on. I need a sponsor to help me with the steps and helping me see the truth. I am not their child, best friend, friend, property or co-depend. And I have two because my original is a priest (unbeknownst to me when I asked him) and he just can't relate to my sex inventory. Anyways, you have a strong foundation of sobriety and you know your motivations. If you want to work with someone else then work with someone else. Good luck.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Caracadams, I understand your situation. I think that sometimes we forget that although sponsors, counselors, or anyone that's in a position where they are guiding and teaching, are also human. Also very different in their methods. There is guidance and direction in sponsorship but sometimes it's forgotten that not everyone is standing at the same exact place on the recovery path. Some sponsors are going to treat all individuals exactly the same regardless of that. They are parroting sponsorship without getting to know the person first.
Being realistic about how we as alcoholics can be I find her statement reasonable if she were working with someone that's brand new to the program. You, however, are not new at this. Yes, we are all one drink away from hell but it sounds like you have some good sober footing, I would have put it an entirely different way than accusing you of lying. In fact, when I begin sponsoring I plan on meeting with the person at least three or four times first to learn about them and to understand where they are on the path.
Some sponsors forget that they aren't a parent, they're a guide. The best ones will definitely call you out on your crap but they'll know you well enough to do it in a way that speaks to you. For instance, if you didn't contact me for a few weeks and told me your cell phone died I would say to you "I completely understand but you probably could have found another way to contact me even if just to let me know that, I'm in the process of getting to know you and you can only imagine where my head went when you disappeared. It's only natural. I respect that there are things that are going to occur where you will be absent but I'm asking you to respect my right to be worried about it because I care. So, in the future, if you can't call me for a while at least take the time to reach out and let me know you're ok and what's going on". Now, doesn't that sound a whole lot different than "you're lying to me?". Precedent has been set if it happens again.
Do you have a set time or days that you call? I call my sponsor every morning at 7:30. If something comes up where I can't I text her and let her know. I fully expect if I didn't contact her at all for two weeks for her to be upset about it. If you have no rule of thumb for contact that's one thing, if you do and you didn't contact her at all then I think you can see why she would be upset? Albeit going about confronting you in an over the top way.
Talk to her and be honest, tell her how you feel. Maybe it can work out. If not find a new sponsor. I had to because my sponsor dropped me because of a difference of opinion on something that had nothing to do with drinking or AA. It was sick really. Now I realize it actually was a gift from my higher power due to the new sponsor I'm working with.
Good luck, I do believe that having a discussion with her is going to be the key to diverting any awkwardness.
Being realistic about how we as alcoholics can be I find her statement reasonable if she were working with someone that's brand new to the program. You, however, are not new at this. Yes, we are all one drink away from hell but it sounds like you have some good sober footing, I would have put it an entirely different way than accusing you of lying. In fact, when I begin sponsoring I plan on meeting with the person at least three or four times first to learn about them and to understand where they are on the path.
Some sponsors forget that they aren't a parent, they're a guide. The best ones will definitely call you out on your crap but they'll know you well enough to do it in a way that speaks to you. For instance, if you didn't contact me for a few weeks and told me your cell phone died I would say to you "I completely understand but you probably could have found another way to contact me even if just to let me know that, I'm in the process of getting to know you and you can only imagine where my head went when you disappeared. It's only natural. I respect that there are things that are going to occur where you will be absent but I'm asking you to respect my right to be worried about it because I care. So, in the future, if you can't call me for a while at least take the time to reach out and let me know you're ok and what's going on". Now, doesn't that sound a whole lot different than "you're lying to me?". Precedent has been set if it happens again.
Do you have a set time or days that you call? I call my sponsor every morning at 7:30. If something comes up where I can't I text her and let her know. I fully expect if I didn't contact her at all for two weeks for her to be upset about it. If you have no rule of thumb for contact that's one thing, if you do and you didn't contact her at all then I think you can see why she would be upset? Albeit going about confronting you in an over the top way.
Talk to her and be honest, tell her how you feel. Maybe it can work out. If not find a new sponsor. I had to because my sponsor dropped me because of a difference of opinion on something that had nothing to do with drinking or AA. It was sick really. Now I realize it actually was a gift from my higher power due to the new sponsor I'm working with.
Good luck, I do believe that having a discussion with her is going to be the key to diverting any awkwardness.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I would go back and talk with my first sponsor
you both may need each other
I never gave up on a sponsor,I am on sponsor 4 right now,first one got drunk,2nd and 3rd died,sober,we stuck it out to the end and I am glad we did.
present day sponsor is alive and kicking
you both may need each other
I never gave up on a sponsor,I am on sponsor 4 right now,first one got drunk,2nd and 3rd died,sober,we stuck it out to the end and I am glad we did.
present day sponsor is alive and kicking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527 
Hi Caracadams, I understand your situation. I think that sometimes we forget that although sponsors, counselors, or anyone that's in a position where they are guiding and teaching, are also human. Also very different in their methods. There is guidance and direction in sponsorship but sometimes it's forgotten that not everyone is standing at the same exact place on the recovery path. Some sponsors are going to treat all individuals exactly the same regardless of that. They are parroting sponsorship without getting to know the person first.
Being realistic about how we as alcoholics can be I find her statement reasonable if she were working with someone that's brand new to the program. You, however, are not new at this. Yes, we are all one drink away from hell but it sounds like you have some good sober footing, I would have put it an entirely different way than accusing you of lying. In fact, when I begin sponsoring I plan on meeting with the person at least three or four times first to learn about them and to understand where they are on the path.
Some sponsors forget that they aren't a parent, they're a guide. The best ones will definitely call you out on your crap but they'll know you well enough to do it in a way that speaks to you. For instance, if you didn't contact me for a few weeks and told me your cell phone died I would say to you "I completely understand but you probably could have found another way to contact me even if just to let me know that, I'm in the process of getting to know you and you can only imagine where my head went when you disappeared. It's only natural. I respect that there are things that are going to occur where you will be absent but I'm asking you to respect my right to be worried about it because I care. So, in the future, if you can't call me for a while at least take the time to reach out and let me know you're ok and what's going on". Now, doesn't that sound a whole lot different than "you're lying to me?". Precedent has been set if it happens again.
Do you have a set time or days that you call? I call my sponsor every morning at 7:30. If something comes up where I can't I text her and let her know. I fully expect if I didn't contact her at all for two weeks for her to be upset about it. If you have no rule of thumb for contact that's one thing, if you do and you didn't contact her at all then I think you can see why she would be upset? Albeit going about confronting you in an over the top way.
Talk to her and be honest, tell her how you feel. Maybe it can work out. If not find a new sponsor. I had to because my sponsor dropped me because of a difference of opinion on something that had nothing to do with drinking or AA. It was sick really. Now I realize it actually was a gift from my higher power due to the new sponsor I'm working with.
Good luck, I do believe that having a discussion with her is going to be the key to diverting any awkwardness.
Being realistic about how we as alcoholics can be I find her statement reasonable if she were working with someone that's brand new to the program. You, however, are not new at this. Yes, we are all one drink away from hell but it sounds like you have some good sober footing, I would have put it an entirely different way than accusing you of lying. In fact, when I begin sponsoring I plan on meeting with the person at least three or four times first to learn about them and to understand where they are on the path.
Some sponsors forget that they aren't a parent, they're a guide. The best ones will definitely call you out on your crap but they'll know you well enough to do it in a way that speaks to you. For instance, if you didn't contact me for a few weeks and told me your cell phone died I would say to you "I completely understand but you probably could have found another way to contact me even if just to let me know that, I'm in the process of getting to know you and you can only imagine where my head went when you disappeared. It's only natural. I respect that there are things that are going to occur where you will be absent but I'm asking you to respect my right to be worried about it because I care. So, in the future, if you can't call me for a while at least take the time to reach out and let me know you're ok and what's going on". Now, doesn't that sound a whole lot different than "you're lying to me?". Precedent has been set if it happens again.
Do you have a set time or days that you call? I call my sponsor every morning at 7:30. If something comes up where I can't I text her and let her know. I fully expect if I didn't contact her at all for two weeks for her to be upset about it. If you have no rule of thumb for contact that's one thing, if you do and you didn't contact her at all then I think you can see why she would be upset? Albeit going about confronting you in an over the top way.
Talk to her and be honest, tell her how you feel. Maybe it can work out. If not find a new sponsor. I had to because my sponsor dropped me because of a difference of opinion on something that had nothing to do with drinking or AA. It was sick really. Now I realize it actually was a gift from my higher power due to the new sponsor I'm working with.
Good luck, I do believe that having a discussion with her is going to be the key to diverting any awkwardness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Tommyh
I would go back and talk with my first sponsor
you both may need each other
I never gave up on a sponsor,I am on sponsor 4 right now,first one got drunk,2nd and 3rd died,sober,we stuck it out to the end and I am glad we did.
present day sponsor is alive and kicking
you both may need each other
I never gave up on a sponsor,I am on sponsor 4 right now,first one got drunk,2nd and 3rd died,sober,we stuck it out to the end and I am glad we did.
present day sponsor is alive and kicking
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
sponsor problem or not, i think you should go to your 1st sponsor as a friend. shed prolly love to see you.remove self and be there for her.
imo, you dont have issues with conflict- you have a problem with fear-something that can be addressed by revisiting the 4th.
imo, you dont have issues with conflict- you have a problem with fear-something that can be addressed by revisiting the 4th.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Do you honestly need a "sponsor" after 3 years of sobriety and when you are actively sponsoring others?
My sponsor kicked me out of the nest after he walked me through the steps. Told me to go help others. We are still great friends, I still bounce things off of him occasionally, and we talk pretty often. But the active sponsorship and step work are over.
My sponsor kicked me out of the nest after he walked me through the steps. Told me to go help others. We are still great friends, I still bounce things off of him occasionally, and we talk pretty often. But the active sponsorship and step work are over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by paulokes
Wow, really? To me actively sponsoring 7 people seems like a lot and very time intensive. I would feel stretched very thin.
But if it's helping you
P
But if it's helping you
P
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Originally Posted by Caracadams
It's actually 8. I had to recount but 7 of these women live in a 6 month treatment facility and I'm temporarily sponsoring them until the get at and move back to their hometowns. It helps me tremendously
I suppose of you are taking on the troubles of 8 people it is pretty important that you have someone you can trust to speak to yourself. I'm sure your old sponsor wouldn't mind being a temporary guide
P
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by sg1970
Do you honestly need a "sponsor" after 3 years of sobriety and when you are actively sponsoring others?
My sponsor kicked me out of the nest after he walked me through the steps. Told me to go help others. We are still great friends, I still bounce things off of him occasionally, and we talk pretty often. But the active sponsorship and step work are over.
My sponsor kicked me out of the nest after he walked me through the steps. Told me to go help others. We are still great friends, I still bounce things off of him occasionally, and we talk pretty often. But the active sponsorship and step work are over.
I do of course have a few close friends, in and out of AA, and a wonderful relationship with God, upon whom I ultimately rely.
When it comes to the steps, I live in 10-12, but I take all twelve steps (with the possible exception of 5 which is their choice) everyt time I take a newcomer through the steps. This year I have been through the steps twice already. There is something very powerful about taking the steps in this way.
I think it is wonderful the number of people you are working with. AA desperately needs more women like you. And it needn't be too much of a burden if you sponsor by the book and avoid other areas where we are not qualified to help. In fact it becomes a pleasure rather than a burden.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Gottalife
My sponsor was the same. He said I didn't need a sponsor, I needed to be sponsoring, and I can reconcile that with what the book suggests. So I have been 35 years without a sponsor, but sponsoring, and it does seem to be the sponsors who stay sober.
I do of course have a few close friends, in and out of AA, and a wonderful relationship with God, upon whom I ultimately rely.
When it comes to the steps, I live in 10-12, but I take all twelve steps (with the possible exception of 5 which is their choice) everyt time I take a newcomer through the steps. This year I have been through the steps twice already. There is something very powerful about taking the steps in this way.
I think it is wonderful the number of people you are working with. AA desperately needs more women like you. And it needn't be too much of a burden if you sponsor by the book and avoid other areas where we are not qualified to help. In fact it becomes a pleasure rather than a burden.
I do of course have a few close friends, in and out of AA, and a wonderful relationship with God, upon whom I ultimately rely.
When it comes to the steps, I live in 10-12, but I take all twelve steps (with the possible exception of 5 which is their choice) everyt time I take a newcomer through the steps. This year I have been through the steps twice already. There is something very powerful about taking the steps in this way.
I think it is wonderful the number of people you are working with. AA desperately needs more women like you. And it needn't be too much of a burden if you sponsor by the book and avoid other areas where we are not qualified to help. In fact it becomes a pleasure rather than a burden.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
