Newcomer to AA- Scared and Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by awuh1 
I'm glad you're sharing with us Curlync. I would not worry to much about sharing in your group. You're new to this.
If you think you might feel better by sharing, you might want to start by saying something like "Hi I'm Curlync and I'm an alcoholic. I'm trying to work up the nerve to share more. I hope you will be patient with me. Thanks. "
That would be saying something important and relevant about yourself. In any case, do what you need to do for yourself right now. These first weeks can be difficult.
You're not doing anything wrong.
If you think you might feel better by sharing, you might want to start by saying something like "Hi I'm Curlync and I'm an alcoholic. I'm trying to work up the nerve to share more. I hope you will be patient with me. Thanks. "
That would be saying something important and relevant about yourself. In any case, do what you need to do for yourself right now. These first weeks can be difficult.
You're not doing anything wrong.
Seems simple enough, almost to the point of why didn't I think of that......
Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. These forums have been so wonderful to me this last week and I really am grateful for everyone's insight.
I want sobriety so badly and I am trying to embrace it in all of its Uncomfortableness.
It really sucks right now though. ...but I know, I know, I know it will get better. I just had to say it really sucks so everyone who who has done the work can remember how bad it is and uncomfortable and scary and miserable it is being newly sober with nothing to numb it and no idea how to function or live without the drink. It's like being an emotional toddler in an adult body.
Guess it's time for this toddler to grow up and learn how to take steps... (Only took 42 years sigh...)
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I equate going to AA as I did with going to a new class where I didn't know anyone.
After enough meetings, I learned how the program of AA worked.
I became friends with a lot of people that, I shared common interests in.
After enough meetings, I learned how the program of AA worked.
I became friends with a lot of people that, I shared common interests in.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
I'm just so glad you're attending meetings and already found a sponsor to work with, that's awesome! You don't have to share if you don't feel like it, this isn't a 100 yard dash it's a life long journey.. You'll open up when the time is right, after all it is your program. just listen for a while.. Just my opinion.. Keep up the good work!! Kudos to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I've been going to my home group now (usually about 25 - 30 regular people) for about 18 months. There is one man there who I have never heard 'share', but he always chats before and after the meeting and in breaks. Other's sometimes share on different levels of frequency, and some people always share. The thing is, we're all different.
When I first started going to meetings, my anxiety levels meant that every pause in the sharing felt expectant to me. Like you, I felt that people were waiting for me to share and thinking that I should do so, or I wasn't taking it seriously. When I calmed down a bit I realised that they weren't thinking any such thing. Sure, it's always nice to hear someone different speaking, but there was no pressure. Sometimes there is a pause in sharing, and that's fine. It gives people a chance to think about what they've heard.
I would say, far more important than speaking at a meeting, is listening at them. Properly listening - and for the similarities not the differences. That's how we learn from each other. As long as you're chatting to the others before and after the meetings, and you're being open and honest with yourself and your sponsor, the confidence to share to the whole group will come in time. Like someone else said, if you feel the pressure, you can just introduce yourself, and thank X for taking the meeting.
When I first started going to meetings, my anxiety levels meant that every pause in the sharing felt expectant to me. Like you, I felt that people were waiting for me to share and thinking that I should do so, or I wasn't taking it seriously. When I calmed down a bit I realised that they weren't thinking any such thing. Sure, it's always nice to hear someone different speaking, but there was no pressure. Sometimes there is a pause in sharing, and that's fine. It gives people a chance to think about what they've heard.
I would say, far more important than speaking at a meeting, is listening at them. Properly listening - and for the similarities not the differences. That's how we learn from each other. As long as you're chatting to the others before and after the meetings, and you're being open and honest with yourself and your sponsor, the confidence to share to the whole group will come in time. Like someone else said, if you feel the pressure, you can just introduce yourself, and thank X for taking the meeting.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Curlync you are WAY ahead of where most people are with the amount of sober time you have. Don't let what I'm about to say go to your head, but you have a couple things going for you that make your chances good.
First of all you seem quite honest about whats going on with you. You also express yourself well about your confusion (which nearly each and every one of us experienced in the beginning) and about how difficult things are for you currenty. That honesty and genuineness will serve you well in your sobriety.
In addition you have found a sponsor. Wow. With as little time as you have, and with all the anxiety you have about speaking, you still managed to find someone to work with 1 to 1. I don't know if you realize it but you are also helping others by what you have shared. Witness for example the prior post from KarenOskie (number 19).
I think you also serve as a powerful example for your children. You've taken on a very difficult problem, you have asked for help and you are following through. I'm not sure how much they know about what you are going through but it might not be a bad idea to inform them. Your example could be just what they need if they find themselves in a difficult situation some time in the future.
IMO, right now, those kids have reason to be proud.
First of all you seem quite honest about whats going on with you. You also express yourself well about your confusion (which nearly each and every one of us experienced in the beginning) and about how difficult things are for you currenty. That honesty and genuineness will serve you well in your sobriety.
In addition you have found a sponsor. Wow. With as little time as you have, and with all the anxiety you have about speaking, you still managed to find someone to work with 1 to 1. I don't know if you realize it but you are also helping others by what you have shared. Witness for example the prior post from KarenOskie (number 19).
I think you also serve as a powerful example for your children. You've taken on a very difficult problem, you have asked for help and you are following through. I'm not sure how much they know about what you are going through but it might not be a bad idea to inform them. Your example could be just what they need if they find themselves in a difficult situation some time in the future.
IMO, right now, those kids have reason to be proud.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Curlync,
I was too frightened to share at a meeting for wuite a while. It didn't matter as I got way more from listening anyway. I used to just say "I'm Mike, I'm and alcoholic, and I woudl just like to listen.
While I was listening, I heard some useful tips on sharing..
"our stories disclose in general way what we were like...." OK, discretion, keep it general."
" People come to AA for all sorts of reasons. Some are actually alcoholics wannting to recover" OK, choose my friends carefully, don't open up to just anybody.
And "people have feet of clay" meaning that the best of people will eventually let you down in some way, so don't expect too much from them, they are only human.
Good luck on your journey. It sounds like you are off to a great start.
I was too frightened to share at a meeting for wuite a while. It didn't matter as I got way more from listening anyway. I used to just say "I'm Mike, I'm and alcoholic, and I woudl just like to listen.
While I was listening, I heard some useful tips on sharing..
"our stories disclose in general way what we were like...." OK, discretion, keep it general."
" People come to AA for all sorts of reasons. Some are actually alcoholics wannting to recover" OK, choose my friends carefully, don't open up to just anybody.
And "people have feet of clay" meaning that the best of people will eventually let you down in some way, so don't expect too much from them, they are only human.
Good luck on your journey. It sounds like you are off to a great start.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Beccybean
When I first started going to meetings, my anxiety levels meant that every pause in the sharing felt expectant to me. Like you, I felt that people were waiting for me to share and thinking that I should do so, or I wasn't taking it seriously. When I calmed down a bit I realised that they weren't thinking any such thing.
Truth is now that i read your post I realize how silly and self centered I am being. My alcoholic self is a self centered one. It's why I struggle with how helpful and kind and open they are all being to me, I kinda think they are crazy, and I told my sponsor that! They were literally gleeful that a new person was there- I felt like the new puppy. she tells me I'll get IT one day. They all just want me to "feel the love" or whatever.. Meanwhile I am like whatever you guys are doing.... I want that. (I think...they are kind of crazy) But I at least it's sober happy crazy which beats my miserable drunk crazy
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by awuh1
Curlync you are WAY ahead of where most people are with the amount of sober time you have. Don't let what I'm about to say go to your head, but you have a couple things going for you that make your chances good.
First of all you seem quite honest about whats going on with you. You also express yourself well about your confusion (which nearly each and every one of us experienced in the beginning) and about how difficult things are for you currenty. That honesty and genuineness will serve you well in your sobriety.
In addition you have found a sponsor. Wow. With as little time as you have, and with all the anxiety you have about speaking, you still managed to find someone to work with 1 to 1. I don't know if you realize it but you are also helping others by what you have shared. Witness for example the prior post from KarenOskie (number 19).
I think you also serve as a powerful example for your children. You've taken on a very difficult problem, you have asked for help and you are following through. I'm not sure how much they know about what you are going through but it might not be a bad idea to inform them. Your example could be just what they need if they find themselves in a difficult situation some time in the future.
IMO, right now, those kids have reason to be proud.
First of all you seem quite honest about whats going on with you. You also express yourself well about your confusion (which nearly each and every one of us experienced in the beginning) and about how difficult things are for you currenty. That honesty and genuineness will serve you well in your sobriety.
In addition you have found a sponsor. Wow. With as little time as you have, and with all the anxiety you have about speaking, you still managed to find someone to work with 1 to 1. I don't know if you realize it but you are also helping others by what you have shared. Witness for example the prior post from KarenOskie (number 19).
I think you also serve as a powerful example for your children. You've taken on a very difficult problem, you have asked for help and you are following through. I'm not sure how much they know about what you are going through but it might not be a bad idea to inform them. Your example could be just what they need if they find themselves in a difficult situation some time in the future.
IMO, right now, those kids have reason to be proud.
I will talk with them when my emotions settle down- maybe even with the therapist. we will see.
My sponsor sort of found me.... so I can't take credit for that.. I walked in and there was a mom from school who has had a child with my 6th grader since Kindergarten... My first thought was oh **** but it turned out well and she gets me. and she has been sober 22 years!
And I won't let anything go to my head, truth is I am not well ahead. I just took a long dang time getting to the place where I could give up. I wasn't ready to give up before. Now I give up-- right now to the walls of AA and my sponsor and my therapist and to god.
I finally decided what is the worst that can happen?? Can't be worse than the crappy job I am doing.... I started driving drunk and drunk with my kids in the car. and i left them places to go get booze and the list goes on- awful stuff and I am so lucky i didn't hurt anyone..... cry a river blah blah .....
So I don't know that I am ahead I am just ready to be done with it.
I kind of took step 1 in my head before i ever headed into AA. And as someone who fought step 1 for years and hadn't truly surrendered (and there is a tiny smidgen of me that is still rebelling but its tiny and i can stomp it down for now) I don't think that AA would have worked for me until now, until I was ready. Because I wasn't willing to work for it.
I wanted it and i needed it but I wasn't willing to lay it down and accept my defeat and tear myself down (ha! what is left of me anyway) so that i can DO the work and let AA and god and my sponsor work and put me back together again in a different way.
But I am still scared out of my freaking mind and even though I feel ok with this -- I still don't like it really. My brain still wants a buzz. and i am still a hot roller coaster mess. But I can't live with the drinking anymore and I don't want that life anymore. So here I am teetering on the see saw..... And that is why I need AA bc without it and the people there and this forum my see saw is definitely going the wrong way............................
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 106
Hey! I think we're long-lost twins! You wrote exactly my experience starting with AA. My only suggestion is to do what you are already doing, just keep going. It will be alright if you just keep moving forward on the path. You don't have to understand everything because you won't. It needs to sink in slowly, through the fog that our alcoholic brains have become! LOL! We can only do one thing at a time. For right now: Go to a meetings and don't drink in between! The other stuff comes along the line....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Your posts certainly are revealing, Curlync.
I hope that you find what God and AA have given me.
Your honesty about how you feel (sometimes kind of choppy) will serve you well in recovery.
I hope that you keep going to meetings and working with a sponsor.
The rest of the AA program (reading our materials, service work and working with others) has also helped me a lot.
You don't have to work the whole program the first week or month.
Your sponsor can guide you along.
Your candor has succeeded in dredging up my former feelings about alcohol (that I need to never forget).
You don't neeed to worry about not speaking at meetings.
You will know when and if you care to do so.
I hope that you find what God and AA have given me.
Your honesty about how you feel (sometimes kind of choppy) will serve you well in recovery.
I hope that you keep going to meetings and working with a sponsor.
The rest of the AA program (reading our materials, service work and working with others) has also helped me a lot.
You don't have to work the whole program the first week or month.
Your sponsor can guide you along.
Your candor has succeeded in dredging up my former feelings about alcohol (that I need to never forget).
You don't neeed to worry about not speaking at meetings.
You will know when and if you care to do so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 45
Day 15!!!! been to at least one meeting a day everyday. Snowed in today but reading on here and big book and checking in with my sponsor. What a difference 2 weeks make! I feel hope. I would LOVE to drink and get that instant relief I get right now but I won't because I know it isn't worth it and for the first time I like the way I feel now better than the way I would feel if I was drinking - or the way I would feel afterwards anyway.
Thank you guys for your support!!!!
Thank you guys for your support!!!!
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