Rockplace

Hi all I'm new to this forum from the UK . I attended AA meetings in my local area for nine weeks some were helpful but I found The AA rhetoric the program very difficult - sure definitely the fellowship works for some and not others. Within AA like in all walks of life there exists a stigma against mental health so having a dual diagnosis is hard in the rooms.
Old timers telling me horror stories and "this may be your only recovery" made me terrified each meeting got harder. I have panic disorder and depression that predates binge drinking so I found attending meetings extremely nerve racking on top of the notion I can never drink again. I couldn't face another meeting, I was becoming suicidal so ten days ago I relapsed just to escape but well there is no escaping addiction!!
I'm trying not to drink every day but after fifty plus meetings I feel it's inevitable that now I've failed that's it a downward spiral death. The morning after relapsing I got a text from an AA member saying remember "it is a fatal progressive disease."
The idea of meetings just terrifies me but realistically I know I won't be able to control my intake alone. Catch 22 in a hard place and running out of hope, feeling very low.

biminiblue

Welcome to Sober Recovery

I went to a lot of meetings in my first few months, and I don't go any more, but I am sober. While AA has a very good program, it does take some time to become comfortable and familiar with the process. Please know that you are always welcome at an AA meeting, no matter what your dual diagnosis or no matter your current drinking status. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Stick around here, post around the forums, maybe read some of the other recovery methods too.

I have found that what I think becomes my truth. You can absolutely stop drinking, just because you got off to a rough start in AA doesn't mean you're hopeless or that you can't stop.

Drinking "at" them only hurts you. They are right, it is a progressive disease that will kill you in a lot of ugly ways, so that part is something to come to terms with. The way to stop the progression is to stop drinking.

Hang around here, there's a lot of wisdom here on this site.

MIRecovery

There are other ways to get sober besides AA but to blame your drinking again on AA in my opinion is just your addictive voice. Nothing said to you was untrue. Maybe you weren't ready to hear it but that doesn't make it any less true.

Alcoholism is a nasty piece of work and ignoring reality was how I dealt with my drinking for 20 years

tomsteve

did you do any step work or did ya just not drink and go to meetings?
have you gotten a copy of the big book and read it?
you mention dual diagnosis....do you have a psychologist?

it is a progressively fatal disease
but there IS a solution that requires footwork.

Rockplace

Many thanks for your replies.Yes I do think I am in denial, most certainly I use alcohol to self-medicate. I just found the fear based approach made me even more scared of relapsing, old timers telling stories where people stopped attending meetings then died I found to be terrifying, some people do manage to get sober without AA. I think I attended a lot of meetings and got stuck, I couldn't find anyone to sponsor me that I felt comfortable with to divulge the mental health problems too. I was getting more anxious and depressed, so yes I think the addict then took over and returned to self medicating. I see a psychologist and psychiatrist, really thought abstinence would help my mental health but it was hell. These things have gone on a long time it maybe that it's beyond the point of sorting it out, the majority of people in the rooms I met had one problem, they drank too much, it caused car crashes, family disputes etc take away the alcohol and their life improved. I just seemed to be going more downhill by week 9. I don't know! I found getting sober pretty much impossible, but drinking will mean my physical health will deteriorate.

tomsteve

do yoir psychologist and psychiatrist know about the drinking?
fear of drinking is a healthy fear i have. but i dont let that fear control me.
i really hope the people at the meetings are sharing more than just about losing materialistic stuff and consequences of drinking. ive been to many many meetings and navent experienced that. i hear the underlying issues tnat alcohol was a symptom for, solutions, and results of working tbe steps.
what im reading is ya wenf to meetings and didnt drink.
if thats the case,going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism. it doesnt help us recover from the hopeless state of mind and body.
its working the steps that does that.

getting sober requires actions that arent comfortable, like not waiting to feel comflrtable with someone to ask them to be your sponsor. you dont nave to tell them about the mental health thing.

untreated alcoholism can cause problems. sober up a drunken horse thief and ya got a horse thief.

have you been honset with your psychologist and psychiatrist about your drinking?
have you read the big book?

Dee74

Hi Rockplace

I think it's important to remember that just as people come in all shapes and sizes, so do ideas about and approaches to support.

You'll find a wide variety of personality types here and a multiplicity of approaches - but rest assured everyone's on your side

D

Rockplace

Thank you all the comments have been helpful, it's good to connect to others.
I was trying to get it ...90 meetings 90 days, bought the big book, went to Steps meetings, I suppose I just was not getting the steps, I wasn't able to be honest it was just making me hate myself even more and I found the idea of a Higher Power a difficult concept. I attended church throughout my childhood, but understanding and applying the steps is hard, it just was not going in, there was no moment when it clicked. I found some meetings had a feeling of solidarity but this waned after a few weeks, the same meetings hearing people who sounded very unhappy, I did not particularly want what they had they were sober yes but appeared down, but ...AA saved them from a painful, early death.so yes I think it will take another rock bottom, the idea of seeing some of those people again terrifies me but I can't drink 70 units plus a week. Apologies for all the inconsistent remarks, very confused, know I can't drink, know AA was a difficult fellowship to be part of. Many thanks.

Rockplace

tomsteve yes the psychologist definitely thinks I must stop drinking and the psychiatric doctor said try to moderate intake, he thought AA was not the way to go because of the anxiety disorder and social phobia, he said it was a high conflict environment, not sure what he meant but anyway!

MIRecovery

One thing you seem to have missed in the meetings are the incredible stories of how people quit drinking and rebuilt their lives into something better than they ever could have imagined.

Yes the war stories are true but so the stories of redemption and triumph. It is the experience, strength and hope that keeps me going to AA

2muchpain

Rockplace,
First of all, abstinence and recovery are two different things, IMO. Abstinence will only get you so far. I think it's darn near impossible to remain sober just by not drinking. Recovery means a change in lifestyle. For some, totally immersing themselves in the Program, including practicing the 12 steps on a daily basis is enough. For others, more is necessary. Some use AVERT or other programs. Others combine several programs, choosing the parts that they can connect with. Seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist appears to be part of your recovery program, and that's great. And there's nothing wrong with taking medication if it is necessary. Remember, this is your program, nobody else's. I go to AA meetings and learn a lot. I also have a psychiatrist and am on meds for anxiety and depression. That's part of my program. I am also active outside the meetings. I exercise a lot. I go to a movie now and then or a football game. I booked a long weekend trip coming up in two weeks. I'm always looking for things to do to stay busy and to ENJOY BEING SOBER. It's kinda like putting your own sober puzzle together.
Everyone's recovery plan is different. Yours will be different than others. Your sober plan is out there. You just have to keep looking for it. John

Rockplace

I heard some stories of strength and hope where people had saved their careers and family of course these were positive things to hear, but I couldn't see the similarities in my situation the dual diagnosis of depression made it hard to identify with them, but it was nice to hear people were doing better sober and I am pleased for them. For me the program just highlighted how empty my life was, sorry I have very little hope left most of the people in the group were high functioning and I could not relate. Apologies.This is really just a lot of self pity sorry thank you for the helpful comments.

IOAA2

Hi.
Besides stopping drinking as stated we need to WORK ON CHANGING the person that drank. In this age many want instant results with so many things. Alcohol recovery usually takes longer than we want, then again we didn’t get where we are overnight.

In my experiences over the years when I did suggestions I didn’t want to do the results were usually beyond my positive expectations. Sure some things we hear at meetings I can’t identify with but when I listen, many during a period of time are pearls I need to be reminded about to maintain sobriety.

BE WELL

RogerD

Did you try different meetings? Maybe don't go to so many. I only go to one or two a week. I like to mull over the ideas a few days before attending another meeting. I just try to get one thing out of a meeting. I just hope at least one person says something which makes me go, Hmnn, good point, or never looked at it that way. I've been told I have to define my own sobriety and find out what works for me. It's not easy, but you have to just keep chipping away. Progress is slow at times, but keep at it

biminiblue

In the meetings I attended there were a lot of people who were in recovery. Listening to their stories, I could tell there had been depression and really difficult times.

I don't know if you are on meds or not, but they don't have a chance to help if you continue to drink. Alcohol is a depressant. I was horribly depressed, crying, wanted to die, had no family or friends, totally alone when I was drinking. I just saw no point in living really.

I removed alcohol. That was a huge part of the puzzle. The anxiety didn't go away in two months, as a matter of fact for me it was nearly a year until I had a handle on my anxiety. It took a good nutrition plan, regularly sleeping eight hours, and regular outdoor exercise, along with connections with others here and in real life. It takes time. Depression is a totally treatable condition and you don't have to feel like this forever. Please give abstinence a fair shot.

CaiHong

Hi Rockplace,
As has been stated the program is what keeps you sober, look to the program. I don't get to many meetings basically because of where I live but I do practise my program throughout the day.
I use to use alcohol to self medicate, to cope with life and I couldn't see any possibility of living life without it but it's not a substainable way of coping with life and bites you in the end.
it was not easy getting sober, take it one day at a time even one hour at a time, follow the program, make this your quest in life, to get sober, use the meds you need. Try not to dwell on the past or the future but stay present in the program.
I wish I could dispel all your doubt and despair but only you can do that, learn how to use the tools and apply them to your life.
I sincerely wish you all the best, keep reading and posting never give up
CaiHong

PurpleDan

Rockplace - I like to think there's maybe less of a stigma in the rooms around mental health issues, at least in meetings I've attended in the US & UK. I know several people with severe clinical depression (who have soughtt outside help to deal with it and are on anti-depressants). I, too, in my sobriety have had episodes of clinical depression and needed to go on anti-depressants. Some in the fellowship are anti this approach, but our literature clearly supports it.

The notion of never drinking again...well, that's why it's a day-at-a-time thing. Don't worry about all the tomorrows. Focus just on today, not drinking today, and taking the actions to attain that goal.

With regards to the steps...step meetings are great, but getting together with a sponsor who will explain things, answer questions etc is the best way to approach them, in my view. And on the higher power thing...right now, don't worry about having a concept of what yours is. All you have to understand is that you're not 'God'. You can use the group as a higher power. And there's no pressure to find a higher power that is of the supernatural deity sort - it's possible to be an atheist and work the steps.

freshstart57

Fear and self-loathing are the worst motivators, and are often anti-motivational as you are seeing yourself, Rockplace. The understanding you have been given is most unfortunate, and not uncommon.

There are better reasons to quit drinking and get sober than fear of jail, or a mental hospital or dying. And much better places to start than from a place of self hatred and shame.

My experiences around getting sober have been different than yours. I saw quitting drinking as a release from confinement, and as the promise of a better life that I was determined to achieve because my self worth deserved it and my sense of self demanded it. Of course, continuing to drink would have led me away from everything I loved and valued, but it hadn't made me quit to that point.

I came to see quitting drinking as a choice, something I was deciding to do in order to have a life without the misery and depression and anxiety of addiction. That was the key for me.

I hope you stay around here, Rockplace. There is lots of support for you here.

Johno1967

Perhaps AA is not for you but never say addiction is terminal and resign yourself to an alcoholic death. The fact you are here means you see hope. If you can't handle meetings and people hang out here and continue to share and reach out. Perhaps try taking up meditation to calm yourself, read and make some healthy changes. Baby steps. The little changes will soon change you. Shop around for AA meetings, you may find one that fits. Everyone has different needs but the common theme is we have realized alcohol does not work for us and can no longer be consumed. The solution is abstinence and how you support yourself during the time it takes to no longer have booze as a burning preoccupation and obsession really depends on you and what works for you.
Take what you need and leave the rest.

Fenian_Man

Hi, I also have a diagnosis of a major depressive disorder. I take medication, as prescribed by my doctor. I'm also seeing a counselor for the grief I have for the loss of a son this summer. And I am active in AA.

There are people in AA who care and will offer support without judgment. As a matter of fact, the official AA position supports counseling and medical care for brain diseases.

There are also some people who get dry but not really well emotionally. I make a determined effort to treat them with courtesy, set boundaries as needed, and then I ignore what they have to say if it is not helpful. I have a "full dance card" of loving people who will also call me on my Sh*t in a way I can hear and use. So I have no time for bleeding deacons.

I hope this helps. AA is no magic kingdom, but there is a lot of healing to be found there.