michaelg

Yesterday, I as given two gifts of a lifetime. A description once reserved for expensive material goods. But which I now find in the intangible. In the morning, I was privileged to be a part of a new friends first step in the SA meeting we both attend. We do the first step a little differently there than in AA. We present to the group the most glaring examples of our powerlessness over the disease. And the unmanageability it has caused in our lives. An opportunity to shed the secrets and shame which hold us captive and forever threatens a return to the same behavior. Or worse.

It was through this experience that I myself was able to relive the dark places the disease had taken me. Places I did not want or intend to go to. But nevertheless found myself there. There is scarcely a better investment one can make in sobriety than to deliver this kind of first step. Or receive it.

Immediately after this meeting and first step presentation, I returned again to the trampoline park my family and I visited a few weeks ago. I steered clear of the activity that caused me to be sore for days afterward the first go around (progress). But, just like our favorite bedtime story character Cat-in-the-Hat, I had some new tricks.

On a rectangular trampoline that must run a good 30 feet long, I did about a dozen somersaults in a row. When I stopped, I saw my two boys and several other people ahead of me. But I could not get off all fours. My head spun wildly and I felt like I couldn't talk. I was immediately transported back to those all too frequent moments when I was debilitated like this by alcohol. Just conscious enough to see loved ones or strangers looking me over. But unable to coherently speak or get on two feet. Knowing it would be hours before this wore off. It was a terrifying reminder of what was. And what could be if I stop doing what I'm doing. A healthy fear.

It's difficult to put into words how grateful I am for this day of reminders. Just as I am grateful for the "drunk dreams" I wake up from petrified I actually went out and got drunk. Because those who forget history, are doomed to repeat it!

Gottalife

I enjoy your posts Michael, but this brings back one of the scariest memories I have in AA. I was just new myself, sitting in a meeting, when this other new guy, a huge tattooed gang member took just the opportunity you described. He talked about having sex with animals.

No one in the meeting seemed to judge him. One or two older m embers talked with him afterwards, suggesting that discretion is wise in a meeting, that we keep our shares general in nature. For one thing, you never know who is listening or what they might do with the information.

A day or two later this man realised what he had said and felt he could never come to AA again. A few days after that, perhaps having lost all hope, he killed himself.

"Our stories disclose. I a general way...." Is a life saving guideline.

mick3580

Wow

paulokes

Seems general enough to me Michael. Problems in that other area have occasionally raised their head for me in sobriety but mostly dissipated with physical sobriety. They were certainly the most shameful parts of my 5th step disclosure in AA.

That brings me to mind of the fact my first 4th and 5th were different from subsequent ones. They had the feel of a 'confessional'...an unburdening of the secrets I planned to take with me to the grave. There was so much relief in that for me, but more detailed understanding came later...when I could look more clearly at the whys and wherefores, pinpoint the exact (but somehow more general) nature of my difficulties.

Issues around sex and sexuality certainly seem to me to be more entrenched in shame than our other alcoholic exploits. And the ways we can act out come more clearly from shame-based behaviour. But for all of us, coming 'out of hiding', dealing with the toxic shame of our behaviour, is such a crucial step. What a blessing we have other fellowships that allow those of us so inclined to explore these things in more depth.

As for your catapulted feelings of intoxication...I hear you there too. I've since developed an analogy. Just like the way a child thinks and behaves...when it covers it's eyes, it thinks that others can't see it...that was how I thought and behaved when very intoxicated. There was almost a relief when I was too dizzy or blinded to see ...somehow I thought this made me safe...the room was dark, or blurry and that gave me extra protection....to go about my business unseen, I was drunk again but no one would know.

Ha! The active alcoholic is pretty child like when we think about it. We feel we're so clever, so adept at masking our problems when they're painfully obvious to everyone but ourselves!

Have a great day.

P

michaelg

I am truly sorry to hear that. I think it's probably an example of why the SA program came into being.

Gottalife

No, he was alcoholic. That was just part of his story, a part that should have been shared in more private circumstances. Weird sexual behaviour is a common trait in alcoholics as I have discovered.

Equally there could have been a policeman in the meeting, most meetings are open, and such an open disclosu.re could have got him locked up.

There is another aspect. We have or had and element of males in some of our local groups who delighted in trying to outdo each other on 5th step revalations of deviant behaviour in meetings. Some of the women in those groups were victims of such behaviour and were frightened if not traumatised by the seeming boastful conduct of these men.

Possibly this was a reason behind the formation of our women's groups. Now we have a lot less women in mainstream AA. Bad for us, we need them, and bad for new women who need them more.