mick3580

Reading some recent posts on here and attending some aa meetings got me thinking about something. It seems most in aa believe that they should wait to be asked by a newcomer for help rather than the person who has made some progress approaching the person who still suffers. Do you believe that Bill Wilson waited for Dr. Bob to ask him for help? Do you believe that Ebby Thatcher waited for Bill to ask him for help. Do you believe that aa number three Bill Dodson had to ask Bill W and Dr. Bob for help or did they reach out to him? I used to think that the proper way to sponsor someone was to first raise my hand at a meeting to identify myself as available for sponsorship do those looking for a sponsor could approach me. I don't think that's what the early members had in mind. Otherwise, how is a new person supposed to know what to look for in a sponsor?

Ken33xx

I think you need to be flexible. Not everyone feels comfortable with a stranger pushing sponsorship. I certainly didn`t.

Imo, it`s a case by case situation.

damascus1986

after a few meeting i felt i needed onee so i chose at random,
. IMO it was better then no one. After six months and a few steps i knew he wasnt right for me and i had started hanging out with my sponsor who ive been with for about 4 years now.

i looked for someone who had what i wanted ( im not meaning propety but things like serenity, clean time, good attitude ect.)

mick3580

Pushing sponsorship? That's not what I meant. Secondly, I wasn't suggesting that sponsorship can and should only happen the way I expressed above; it's just thst most people only make themselves available by raising their hand and waiting.

PurpleDan

For me, it's about attraction rather than promotion. If you want what I have and wish me to take you through the steps, I'm here, just come and ask. In the early days, the cases they dealt with were low, low bottom drunks. I see lots of "high" bottom drunks in the rooms, myself included. Being asked shows me that the sponsee is willing and ready to go through the steps.

skg

I have never raised my hand, never sought out an alcoholic in the rooms, never told someone they needed a sponsor, yet I always seem to have a sponsee. This isn't 1935 and most people know about a variety of recovery methods, and those who don't show up in Open Meetings and we encourage them to ask questions.

It's a God thing. If I am spiritually fit and they want what I have, God will guide them. It's not about me.

Mountainmanbob

To ask another if they wish to be sponsored
or
to ask of one to be your sponsor
both seem to work fine
and may just save a life -- or two
MM

Recovery999

I always approach new women in the rooms. There aren't very many women here, so I want to give them a chance to meet one. I also ask if they need rides- sometimes this is an issue. And I tell them about our weekly women's meeting. I don't ask to sponsor them. I give them my number and if they want me to be their sponsor, they will ask.

dox

At the meetings around here we don't have the hand-raising thing that was mentioned.
Most of us will offer help, phone numbers, rides . . . to the newcomer or still-suffering alcoholic.
Offering help does not need to be an offer to sponsor. IMHO, this may place a newcomer in an awkward position.
Why not simply offer to help and let them choose a sponsor?
This seems to work well here.

CousinA

I always make it a point to introduce myself to the new guy. I will offer my phone number and invite him to join us if we're doing fellowship after a meeting. If they want what I haave, need a sponsor and I'm able to give the time they deserve from a sponsor that will all work itself out.

-allan

Pipefish

In meetings where there has been a listing of people willing to sponsor, I've really liked that idea, as it makes sponsorship accessible. I don't really understand why asking for sponsorship should have to present such a hurdle - for me personally, that would seem to be more about ego - my own pride in 'my' perceived accomplishments, and attendant grandiosity.

AA groups are supposed to be there for a primary purpose of helping the still suffering alcoholic. Anything that provides a structure for sponsorship, or makes it easier to find a sponsor, I have no problem with whatsoever.

The phrase attraction rather then promotion, relates to tradition 11. This is not to the best of my understanding about what happens during a meeting, or my opportunity to 'shine' there. Some days, I'm not terribly shiny! Still sober tho'.....and isn't that really where the power of this lies?

I do rather worry sometimes about what is happening in AA (and no, I'm not a bleeding deacon) There seems to be some kind of aversion to freely offering help, and a sense that the help needs to be 'earned' in some way. It;s been 'earned' already. Anyone who doesn't get that, personally, I'm not on the same page with their understanding of what alcoholism is. Much less do I care for the phrases high or low bottom drunks - my understanding always was, and remains, that regardless, I have a responsibility to make sure the hand that was offered to me, freely, continues to be there. As others have said, that doesn't only come in the form of sponsorship, but that is one of the most valuable gifts any one of us can offer, and helping others is a mainstay of staying sober myself. If that is the case, why not be generous with it?

2muchpain

great approach. I think a lot of people just want to feel welcomed and that people care. John

2muchpain

It also seems to me that anybody that has some long term sobriety and is doing well should be more than willing to approach a newcomer rather than wait for the newcomer to approach them. I think arrogance sometimes plays a part in this with some people, along with other people insisting on sticking to this rule that the newcomer has to make the first. I mean, who said that it has to be this way? John

Ken33xx

Imo, that`s a great way.

This was my experience: After my second meeting a guy asked me to call him. I did and we arraigned to meet later in the week. A few days later he was all smiles when we sat down in a coffee shop . The man told me basically nothing about himself and everything about the BB . Meanwhile, I`m thinking, "Who is this guy? He`s creeping me out."I left and never called him again. But I continued to attend meetings and eventually found someone I was comfortable with.

Many feel a need to sponsor and that`s a good thing. However, not everyone (regardless of time/working the steps) is a good match and some can`t see this. A default position tends to be, "Well, when their ready to get sober they`ll be back" My initially read on those who seemed to push their help on me early in my recovery was they were a bit "off."

It`s not surprising many drop out of AA. They`re often looking for reasons not to attend which is why I always suggest they hit various meetings.

Personally, I try to be friendly and make them feel comfortable. Which is what I responded to my first few meetings

skg

There's a difference in offering to be someone's sponsor and being kind to newcomers. Keeping the meeting place "SAFE" should be the priority of every AA group practicing the 5th Tradition, and that includes loving others until they can love themselves--especially Newcomers. That wasn't the question, though, from my perspective.

I'm of the opinion that newcomers should look at those people who are sponsors already. There seem to be alot of newcomers that are, um, eager to sponsor and don't understand the ramifications. I can honestly say I haven't selected a sponsee yet, and if I had, I certainly wouldn't have learned nearly as much about Patience, Understanding, and Tolerance, lemme tell you... I was told early and often that we don't say no to a request of sponsorship. .

Anyway, spiritually fit people in the rooms of A.A. don't necessarily practice the principles for the other 23 hours, and that's where God/HP comes in. Ask for guidance: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear and not by coincidence...

When I was in shopping for a sponsor I took the phone list and noted the people that kept coming back, and put an asterisk by their names. When someone got me sideways in meetings, I scratched out their names from the same list. When someone on the list didn't show up for a month, a scratched through their names. When someone was overly friendly and wanted to 'shove the dove," I scratched them out. When someone was too friendly, I scratched off their names.

When I'd scratched everyone's name off the list, I started talking to my Higher Power at the time who was NOT the God of my understanding today, and, on my 6-month anniversary the guy who would eventually be my sponsor came up after the chips and said, "If you keep trying to do this by yourself you're going to explode. Now, if you ask me, I might be your sponsor."

Jerk.

I asked him. From that point forward, my life has progressively gotten better and I haven't found it necessary to take a drink. I thank God every day for that man.

Anyway. There's an undeniable spiritual magnificence to the Program of AA.

sg1970

I was at a meeting the other day and one of the older guys looks at a new guy and says "Do you have a sponsor yet? Well you do now. See me after the meeting". Not sure how that worked out. The new guy is still showing up.

Fly N Buy

I will typically speak with a newcomer and offer my phone number as others have stated.

I had a gent give me his number in first couple days and we started by simple texting - made a huge difference in making me comfortable for sure.

Ken33xx

While I`m sure such an approach might work for some it might turn off just as many if not more.

Yet, if you were to ask the older guy about this he`ll probably say something like "Well, they weren`t ready."

The most popular way I`ve seen is to introduce yourself and offer your contact info. Then to suggest sponsorship later on after the newcomer has a chance to catch their breath in AA.

Imo, you don`t need to be anyone`s best buddy but it helps if you`re at least friends.

skg

Oh, and we have a phone list we hand out to every newcomer who will take one. It's part of the Chairperson's Script that is read every meeting: The temporary sponsor thing is simply the people on the phone list, but it takes the burden off any anxiety about some imaginary life-long commitment to a freak show.

My homegroup operates inside a recovery facility, is an Open Discussion Meeting, and is entirely AA. Happens to be the best meeting group in our town, by the way. Just sayin'....

2muchpain

Nice post. John