Gal220

Anyone with a few years sobriety under their belt ever just feel "off"? I've been sober since 2007, and have been fighting clinical depression for the last couple of years. Things are starting to normal out, but the last few weeks I've just felt like I need "something". If I wasn't married, and if my husband wasn't also an alcoholic who would be very upset and hurt and angry if I drank, I'm pretty sure I would have by now. I know drinking is a horrible solution, but I find myself thinking that I don't really care.

I know. . . hit more meetings, call my sponsor, be grateful, connect with my higher power.

Just wondering if anyone else has felt the same.

Johno1967

I think most of us feel off at some times. I accepted long ago that being sober did not immunize me from feeling the full spectrum of emotions that I had tried to dull or enhance with booze. Being sober has shown me that it's ok to feel off, it's just not ok to treat it with drugs or alcohol.

Pagekeeper

Clinical depression is serious stuff. Have you talked with your doctor about it? That's where I would start. Our program also suggests that we seek outside help when it's necessary.

MIRecovery

I find doing something that gets me out of head helps. Socializing, volunteering, church, a long overdue project, hobby, cooking.

The hard part is getting up off your butt and doing it. My daughter died 10 months ago and everyday is a struggle. Sometimes the best I can do is put one foot on front of the other.

I do know nothing is forever and joy will return as long as we stay sober and keep doing the things that have kept us sober

paulokes

Very much so Gal...6 years myself and have had many flat periods and time on antidepressants. The beauty is, more and more we KNOW that this will pass. Our experience tells us so.

After a rough patch before and after christmas, I have had a really great 3 or 4 weeks. So much so I'm feeling a little giddy...actually starting to feel nervous now, like I expect there will be a comedown

Do you wanna swap??

P

skg

Absolutely. I used to drink/drug if I didn't feel the way I thought I should--and when I did...

I've hear in the rooms that "Everyone's either coming out of a storm, in the middle of one, or just going into one." AND IT IS OKAY TODAY. I don't have to ALWAYS be happy--in fact I rarely AM--but I know joy.
Gal (2:20) might be a good place to start, too... ~wink~

When I hit the lows, and I usually like to wallow in them, I'm reminded that I need to do what I can, and get back on track as soon as I can. That means I may do the bare minimum core recovery, prayer, and awareness, but as soon as I'm feeling better, I can pick up again. I don't have to pretend I'm bullet-proof or invincible today.

I thank AA for that. Self-pity will block me from the sunlight of the Spirit faster than anything, so sometimes I just wait on God...

Tommyh

I have been told by a old timer that clinical depression does not respond to the 12 steps.If he is right,you may want to go to a DR asap
Clinical depression is not something you want to tackle by yourself.Go get help pls

SoberCAH

This is so true, and it's quite relevant since many alcoholics are "mixed bags" when it comes to mental health issues.

That is why there are great psychiatrists, psychologists and meds to help people with the many mental health issues which can show up uninvited on our doorsteps.

Thanks for your heartfelt post, Gal.

Clinical depression is a formidable adversary and a tough disease (or condition, whatever it is), but our sobriety is definitely worth keeping.

Boleo

If you were in the first year of sobriety, that would be pretty good advice. However, for someone who has been sober since 2007, I would say MIRecovery nailed it with the action part.

Turtle82

What do you mean by "fighting" clinical depression? Does it mean your doctor has tried different meds to correct the brain chemistry imbalance without success? I have been clinically depressed many, many, years ago and can state unequivocally that there is no amount of mental positive thinking or behavior that takes care of it. Its physical and requires physical treatment. Once the brain chemistry starts getting back in balance those things work but not before. If they do, I would venture to say its situational which I've also had and not clinical. Clinical depression is dangerous untreated and not for layman's play.

Edit: I'm not minimizing situtational depression at all... grieving and any thought process can be really difficult but its not the same as clinical and they shouldn't be equated.

Joe Nerv

I've been diagnosed with clinical depression many times. I have no doubt that I've suffered from it, and it's gone very very deep at certain points in my life, including during sobriety. I did not go the medication route, and I am not depressed today. I'm feeling quite good actually. Clinical depression can indeed respond to the 12 steps, I know this for a fact because it did with me.

That didn't mean that I memorized the Bigbook and stepbook, and learned to quote it. It means I kept putting one foot in front of the other, regardless of what I was feeling, practicing the things I was learning. That led to many different things that aided in the healing of my depression. Diet, exercise, prayer, vitamin supplements, books, therapy, group therapy, other 12 step groups... I actually did many things. I had to learn, slowly over time, to act and think differently, and that eventually led to me feeling differently.

I understand depression. I can paint a really vivid picture of what it's like to wake up in the throws of it every morning. For months at a time, even in sobriety. I know depression that hurts so uniquely that we feel we invented our own particular brand. I know too that part of my healing was learning to accept even those horrible feelings, while continually putting one foot in front of the other, learning and growing.

Catch phrases like, "Clinical depression doesn't respond to the 12 steps," sound great and I'm sure are well intended. They can however prove to be more harmful than good. I say this because had I listened to that advice I'm certain I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I'd elaborate on that a great deal, but I would be breaking certain forum rules. I'm happy to not be dependent on anything outside myself for my sobriety, my peace of mind, and my happiness. We all have truly amazing bodies, with amazing healing potential. I myself will always trust and honor that.

Gal220

Wow, thank you everyone for ypur very thoughtful responses. I have dealt with depression on and off since I was about eleven, but never really got any treatment until last year when I was hospitalized for six weeks. Since then I've been on a leave of absence from work and have been doing the medication and therapy thing.

I guess it's just come to the point where I'm just going to have to accept that depression and anxiety are going to be a part of my life. Drinking definitely isn't a solution. I know this, but I still think about it. It would be really nice to just zone out for a while. But it wouldn't be worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself. It's nice to know that other people have been there.

It's just that I feel like I've got three different worlds around me (AA, therapy, and church) and all are supposed to be places where I can be honest about who I am, and I can theoretically deal with things and be happy. But none of them mesh, and I have a hard time explaining one to the other. And even though each offers a sort of similar solution, sometimes they just don't gel together. So I feel like I'm playing a role in each and I still don't know who I am.

Sorry. Sort of off topic and confusing. But I'm sort of off and confused right now, so what the heck. Thanks for reading.

Boleo

I felt depressed for over 30 days in a row. Don't know if it was clinical or situational. I had no insurance to have it diagnosed. Even If I did, I am pretty sure I could have conned the shrink into giving me meds for the clinical kind.

I eventually got so desperate, I started memorizing steps 10 & 11 from the Big Book and practised them pretty much 24 x 7. Sure enough, 3 days later my depression was gone and never came back for more than a few hours since.

Gottalife

My experience was that my clincal depression responded to the twelfth step.

I hit this bad patch at about twenty years sober. Later I discovered it may have been linked to my giving up smoking which was my way of dealing with anger. So, after a few months of prayer and step tens, I decided to check with the doc.

I said hey doc, I've been very angry at times lately, and I am concerned this is going to get me in trouble with my employees. From this simple statement he instantly diagnosed clinical depression, and wanted to prescribe anti depressants. Time for this consultation to reach this point was about three minutes, he assured me that the medication was non addictive, but I know what happens to me when I take mind altering substances, and I refused.
I suffered on for another year or so, possibly even longer, then it was gone.
When I looked back on what I did, coincidentally perhaps, but I had got right back into AA, in particular sponsoring and 12 stepping, as well as service.

My activity in working with others had been very low for quite a few years, and when that changed my condition improved.

Turtle82

Situational = sadness.. different degrees with or without tears or anger.
Clinical = numb... zombie state... incapable of any feeling.

Part of the reason those suffering postpartum clinical depression do such insane and horrendous things is because they feel nothing toward the child they know, on some level, they're supposed to love and can't muster any feeling for. All clinical depression holds that same lack of any feeling.

Joe Nerv

I was medically diagnosed, in sobriety, 3 or 4 times with clinical depression. A bunch of other times by therapists. And one time, by a psychiatrist, as possibly bi-polar. I'm very clear on the distinction between situational and clinical depression, and situational was not what I had. I was told all about chemical imbalances, and was fed a long line of how hopeless I was without medication. So much so that I gave into it, more than once. My heart, and my research told me however that medication was not a wise choice for me, and I quickly abandoned it each time. And I kept working at other solutions. At times it felt nothing would work, but I'd be given enough of a reprieve to continue pushing forward.

I know today that I'm free from pretty much all the ailments I was told I'd never be free from, without medication. People here wonder why I'm so passionate about this, and it's difficult for me to tell my complete story without breaking some sort of rules. Fact is that I was lied to by the pharmaceutical industry. Not the doctors. They were only trying to help me as best they knew how. Through what they were taught. Depression wasn't a hopeless, lifelong illness for me which I had no power over other than medication. The steps and a change in many other areas helped to make me into a completely different person. And I don't believe I'm terribly unique. I just don't listen to everything I'm told simply because someone has some letters next to their name, plaques on their wall, or a very convincing way of speaking. I trust my gut, and my god.

Just my experience.

Johno1967

"Sporadically, even with a strong program, you may feel spiritually dead or emotionally empty. We're addicts, it happens! No matter how dead or empty you sometimes feel, this to shall pass".

This too shall pass

Taken from "A pocket sponsor"

Pagekeeper

I find it very dangerous, self serving, and irresponsible for anyone to suggest to a person who spent several weeks in the hospital just recently that they should try anything besides speaking with their doctor or a mental health professional.

Maybe some folks can claw their way out of depression without professional help, but I've seen way too many tragedies in and out of the rooms to feel okay about suggesting it.

Joe Nerv

Stopping medication against medical advice, and/or without strict medical supervision is one of the most dangerous things I know of that a person can do. I would never suggest that anyone do it. And didn't.

DayTrader

Gal.... Question/curiosity: are you an active sponsor? Do you typically do what Bill did and seek out new folks to help or do you wait for them to come to you.......or perhaps avoid the whole sponsorship deal all together?