Sponsor is telling me about his problems
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Posts: 3
Sponsor is telling me about his problems
I've been in a 12 step program for about 10 months and have had a sponsor for about 8 months. For the last couple of weeks, I have found that during our weekly meetings, my sponsor will start to talk about his own issues with sobriety and his relationship with his sponsor. At first, I just let him talk or would change the subject, but eventually it got to me. I felt that by telling me about his problems, he was not really listening to me and was essentially making me his sponsor, which was not what I wanted to be doing (I don't want to have the responsibility of helping him stay sober).
I wound up having a very frank discussion with him, telling him just that and I asked him to let me have more time to talk about my struggles with sobriety, rather than listening to his. While he seemed accepting at first, he later e-mailed me saying that he was rather hurt by what I said and emphasized that he was telling me about his sobriety to, in his words, "show that I am an addict too", "let you know that you can trust me", and "give you encouragement by telling you how I got through these problems." Unfortunately, I don't really feel any of these things from him.
What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery.
I wound up having a very frank discussion with him, telling him just that and I asked him to let me have more time to talk about my struggles with sobriety, rather than listening to his. While he seemed accepting at first, he later e-mailed me saying that he was rather hurt by what I said and emphasized that he was telling me about his sobriety to, in his words, "show that I am an addict too", "let you know that you can trust me", and "give you encouragement by telling you how I got through these problems." Unfortunately, I don't really feel any of these things from him.
What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
What your sponsor said to you is how I felt about my sponsor. When she shared some of her story, parts of her recovery and parts of her self, I did begin to trust her. I knew she was not telling me so that I could broadcast it, she was telling me so I could see that we have some of the same problems. This formed a mutual trust and while she is still my sponsor, she is also my friend.
I take it you don't want a friend, is it all about you?
I am sorry to say this but it appears that your recovery is very one sided and selfish. It appears you only want what you want, want to hear what you want to hear and want to say what you want to say and the other person has no option to contribute to the conversation or your recovery. Are they only there to serve you?
Part of recovery is learning not to be selfish and self-seeking. Your post sounds very self-seeking.
If your sponsor does not have what you want, then maybe is time to move on.
I take it you don't want a friend, is it all about you?
I am sorry to say this but it appears that your recovery is very one sided and selfish. It appears you only want what you want, want to hear what you want to hear and want to say what you want to say and the other person has no option to contribute to the conversation or your recovery. Are they only there to serve you?
Part of recovery is learning not to be selfish and self-seeking. Your post sounds very self-seeking.
If your sponsor does not have what you want, then maybe is time to move on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
The Bb tells us selfish, self centeredness is a part of our problem- thinking the world revolves around us. The bb tells us working with others is the bright spot of our lives and also insures immunity from drinking. Doesn't say," we should carry the message or helpt anyone except our sponsor." the bb tells us we are working to be of maximum service to God and our fellows. To be helpful to the people around us.
There are times when the sponsor becomes the sponsee. I personally am honored when my sponsor talks to me about any problems he has in life- things he is going through.
It seems like a great opportunity to be selfless rather than selfish.
There are times when the sponsor becomes the sponsee. I personally am honored when my sponsor talks to me about any problems he has in life- things he is going through.
It seems like a great opportunity to be selfless rather than selfish.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Will008 
I've been in a 12 step program for about 10 months and have had a sponsor for about 8 months. For the last couple of weeks, I have found that during our weekly meetings, my sponsor will start to talk about his own issues with sobriety and his relationship with his sponsor. At first, I just let him talk or would change the subject, but eventually it got to me. I felt that by telling me about his problems, he was not really listening to me and was essentially making me his sponsor, which was not what I wanted to be doing (I don't want to have the responsibility of helping him stay sober).
I wound up having a very frank discussion with him, telling him just that and I asked him to let me have more time to talk about my struggles with sobriety, rather than listening to his. While he seemed accepting at first, he later e-mailed me saying that he was rather hurt by what I said and emphasized that he was telling me about his sobriety to, in his words, "show that I am an addict too", "let you know that you can trust me", and "give you encouragement by telling you how I got through these problems." Unfortunately, I don't really feel any of these things from him.
What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery.
I wound up having a very frank discussion with him, telling him just that and I asked him to let me have more time to talk about my struggles with sobriety, rather than listening to his. While he seemed accepting at first, he later e-mailed me saying that he was rather hurt by what I said and emphasized that he was telling me about his sobriety to, in his words, "show that I am an addict too", "let you know that you can trust me", and "give you encouragement by telling you how I got through these problems." Unfortunately, I don't really feel any of these things from him.
What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery.
What do you expect when you meet with your sponsor? Guidance regarding the steps? Do you want to discuss passages in the BB?
Or do you want to talk about the week you`re having?
Now, if you expect time to be spent discussing the program and/or AA material he just wants to babble on about his problems I can understand your frustration.
On the other hand if you`re pretty much doing the same thing it`s only fair you listen when he starts complaining.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
How is your step work going? Is the chit chat interfering with it?
I was a little put off as well after my first meeting with my sponsor because it was not "all about me" . What I came to realize was it was more of an equal relationship than a hierarchical one. I also realized that I wasn't the center of the universe. I will add though that our main focus was always the steps and we worked through them at a steady pace. The everyday bs was secondary.
He is human. He asks me all the time how I am doing and I try to make it a point to ask him as well.
I was a little put off as well after my first meeting with my sponsor because it was not "all about me" . What I came to realize was it was more of an equal relationship than a hierarchical one. I also realized that I wasn't the center of the universe. I will add though that our main focus was always the steps and we worked through them at a steady pace. The everyday bs was secondary.
He is human. He asks me all the time how I am doing and I try to make it a point to ask him as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
What? Selfish Alcoholics?
Congratulations on working the steps, first off. Which one are you on?
Two things: 1) Sponsors get wonky, too. We're not immune to life on life's terms. At first delivering The Steps can be pedagogical--directive--and that's because newcomers don't have the first clue what the steps actually mean. When I first started the steps the S.O.B. sponsor I 'chose' did all the talking. He really wasn't interested in my professional career, back-story, or drinking drunk-a-logs. He wanted me to focus on the ACTIONS associated with THE PRINCIPLES of the steps. Seems he didn't really care about my feelings... Thank GOD, too, or I'd still be working on step 4...
2) You spot it, you got it. If you're miffed because he's doing all the talking, there's a lesson to be learned. Anytime someone else's character traits become glaring to me, it's only because I recognize them in myself. Looking for a spec in their eye carrying a beam in my own. You better learn to listen if you're going to hope for any tenure in AA, that's a given, and THAT only comes from working steps 6 & 7 continually. Well, all of the principles continually, but willingness and humility are critical in working with others--the primary purpose of AA (stay sober and carry the message to still suffering alcoholics).
We are a bunch of selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-aggrandizing, self-adoring, self-gratifying, self-promoting, scared, emotionally stunted, pompous, frightened, undisciplined people who would not normally mix. Overcoming these character traits may take a lifetime relying on a spiritual awakening to guide our progress.
Doing it the way WE think it should be done hasn't worked previously. Might be time to consider someone else, first...
Look up "Spiritual Axiom" in the 12 & 12 and discuss it with him. You'll both benefit...
Two things: 1) Sponsors get wonky, too. We're not immune to life on life's terms. At first delivering The Steps can be pedagogical--directive--and that's because newcomers don't have the first clue what the steps actually mean. When I first started the steps the S.O.B. sponsor I 'chose' did all the talking. He really wasn't interested in my professional career, back-story, or drinking drunk-a-logs. He wanted me to focus on the ACTIONS associated with THE PRINCIPLES of the steps. Seems he didn't really care about my feelings... Thank GOD, too, or I'd still be working on step 4...
2) You spot it, you got it. If you're miffed because he's doing all the talking, there's a lesson to be learned. Anytime someone else's character traits become glaring to me, it's only because I recognize them in myself. Looking for a spec in their eye carrying a beam in my own. You better learn to listen if you're going to hope for any tenure in AA, that's a given, and THAT only comes from working steps 6 & 7 continually. Well, all of the principles continually, but willingness and humility are critical in working with others--the primary purpose of AA (stay sober and carry the message to still suffering alcoholics).
We are a bunch of selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-aggrandizing, self-adoring, self-gratifying, self-promoting, scared, emotionally stunted, pompous, frightened, undisciplined people who would not normally mix. Overcoming these character traits may take a lifetime relying on a spiritual awakening to guide our progress.
Doing it the way WE think it should be done hasn't worked previously. Might be time to consider someone else, first...
Look up "Spiritual Axiom" in the 12 & 12 and discuss it with him. You'll both benefit...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Will,
for me, it's about balance. my sponsor person i chose because i thought they would be a good guide through the steps. i thought that based on their shares at meetings. because i could see they used the steps to good effect in their life even though they had challenges with the BB and the steps. they were much like me in that respect but had done it and were doing it and reaping the benefits and definitely have something i want.
they do share about their own stuff, but not to extremes. and that has shown me they're not "preaching", but that they know what they're talking about. if i felt neglected in this scenario, i'd say so. but that hasn't happened.
if you feel it's too one-sided and the sponsor is "dumping" on you instead of showing by sharing, then that sounds lopsided.
i suggest not making any rash decision in heat of the moment. hopefully the two of you can chat about this some more and maybe adjust the balance so it works for both of you.
for me, it's about balance. my sponsor person i chose because i thought they would be a good guide through the steps. i thought that based on their shares at meetings. because i could see they used the steps to good effect in their life even though they had challenges with the BB and the steps. they were much like me in that respect but had done it and were doing it and reaping the benefits and definitely have something i want.
they do share about their own stuff, but not to extremes. and that has shown me they're not "preaching", but that they know what they're talking about. if i felt neglected in this scenario, i'd say so. but that hasn't happened.
if you feel it's too one-sided and the sponsor is "dumping" on you instead of showing by sharing, then that sounds lopsided.
i suggest not making any rash decision in heat of the moment. hopefully the two of you can chat about this some more and maybe adjust the balance so it works for both of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I'll definitely echo what has already been said above.
The crux of AA is one alcoholic working with another alcoholic.
Sometimes, I get a lot more out of helping someone else than someone trying to help me. I don't know why it works that way, but it does, at least for me.
My sponsor has 10 years sober. I only have 2. We were having brunch on Sunday and I end up spending most of the time giving him advice on dealing with major life decisions regarding his relationship, as I've faced similar decisions in sobriety. My sponsor is not my counselor, shrink or life coach. He doesn't exist in my life purely to dole out advice and tell me what to do. For us, it's a two way street. We both have experience, strength and hope, although he has a lot more than me at this point lol.
The bigger question is, as others have pointed out, are you working the steps with your sponsor? If no, is it because you haven't gotten around to doing the work, or is it because your sponsor doesn't seem interested in guiding you through them? If it's the latter, you might have an issue. But otherwise, I wouldn't be too concerned here.
The crux of AA is one alcoholic working with another alcoholic.
Sometimes, I get a lot more out of helping someone else than someone trying to help me. I don't know why it works that way, but it does, at least for me.
My sponsor has 10 years sober. I only have 2. We were having brunch on Sunday and I end up spending most of the time giving him advice on dealing with major life decisions regarding his relationship, as I've faced similar decisions in sobriety. My sponsor is not my counselor, shrink or life coach. He doesn't exist in my life purely to dole out advice and tell me what to do. For us, it's a two way street. We both have experience, strength and hope, although he has a lot more than me at this point lol.
The bigger question is, as others have pointed out, are you working the steps with your sponsor? If no, is it because you haven't gotten around to doing the work, or is it because your sponsor doesn't seem interested in guiding you through them? If it's the latter, you might have an issue. But otherwise, I wouldn't be too concerned here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 69
My sponsor sent me a text about some of his problems. I forgot to call him back and talk to him. I felt really bad about it later. Listening to others problems can help me as well as them. It takes us away from our own problems.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Ok folks, here's one for you. My first sponsor was great for me personally but I walked away also at about 18 months. Most times we met at this stage he was raging about relationship problems with women who were usually 3-9 months sober. Lots of self justification, throwing venom "I told her she'll get drunk etc' and just as each encounter died down he mived on and found another.
I remember having similar thoughts to the OP. .. frustration that we couldn't talk about MY problems
but I hung in there. More importantly if a sponsor who is supposed to be our guide is stuck in sick behaviour, not always the best idea to stick around...
P
I remember having similar thoughts to the OP. .. frustration that we couldn't talk about MY problems
but I hung in there. More importantly if a sponsor who is supposed to be our guide is stuck in sick behaviour, not always the best idea to stick around...P
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by paulokes
...More importantly if a sponsor who is supposed to be our guide is stuck in sick behaviour, not always the best idea to stick around...
It's one thing to talk a good game inside the rooms and another to actually live it outside.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
"What should I do? I'm reluctant to leave because I had such a hard time finding a sponsor in the first place and figure not having a sponsor would be worse, but I'm wondering if this might be hindering my recovery."
Is it your sponsor who is hindering your recovery, or your attitude? Your don't want to help him stay sober? That kinda tells me that whatever you have been doing with the program hasn't born much fruit yet.
Has your sponsor taken you through the steps? The selflessness that usually manifests after a spiritual awakening (i.e helping others becomes a pleasure) does not seem that obvious in your post. If you havent been through the steps, where is the resistance coming from, is it you or your sponsor?
If the resistance is coming from your sponsor, I'd be changing sponsors. The thing is that intensive work, one alcoholic with another, has proven to be vital to permanent recovery. For your own survival it is important that you acquire the attitude of willingness to help others as soon as possible, and that seems to come to us through working the steps.
Another well kept secret is that sponsors in reality have never been able to keep anyone else sober. So relying on a sponsor for your sobriety is not a viable plan.
Is it your sponsor who is hindering your recovery, or your attitude? Your don't want to help him stay sober? That kinda tells me that whatever you have been doing with the program hasn't born much fruit yet.
Has your sponsor taken you through the steps? The selflessness that usually manifests after a spiritual awakening (i.e helping others becomes a pleasure) does not seem that obvious in your post. If you havent been through the steps, where is the resistance coming from, is it you or your sponsor?
If the resistance is coming from your sponsor, I'd be changing sponsors. The thing is that intensive work, one alcoholic with another, has proven to be vital to permanent recovery. For your own survival it is important that you acquire the attitude of willingness to help others as soon as possible, and that seems to come to us through working the steps.
Another well kept secret is that sponsors in reality have never been able to keep anyone else sober. So relying on a sponsor for your sobriety is not a viable plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your responses so far.
I am working on the steps and am currently working on step 2, which I have been at for several months because it seems so tough for me. I feel that most of my progress in that way has been when I have gotten a chance to reflect on my relationship with my higher power and he has asked thoughtful questions in order to help with that. Sometimes he has shared about his experience with his second step. He said for him that step 2 was the most difficult for him and I have a feeling that it will be for me too. I find that comforting to know.
The trouble is when we are not talking about steps. There are times my sponsor has talked for 10-15 minutes non-stop about having a rough time with his sponsor or about people he is dating. It's tough because I start to feel like his therapist and there is less room to talk about steps, and I have to worry about his sobriety on top of mine.
GracieLou asked if I didn't want a friend and if it was all about me. I admit that I may certainly be a selfish addict, but honestly my sponsor is just not the sort of person I could ever see myself being friends with. I guess I see my sponsor as somewhere between a therapist and a friend, and I envy those who are friends with their sponsors.
What I am wanting in a sponsor is someone who I can anchor in my sobriety. I want him to share in his experiences and wisdom to help me, but if he needs help I just don't think I'm the best person to help him. As I get more sobriety, I hope that I will be at a point where I can give more than I get and be that anchor for others.
EDIT: While I was typing my reply, Gottalife posted that relying on a sponsor for sobriety is not a viable plan. I find that difficult to accept; I feel that talking to someone who has been sober means that I will get more reliable wisdom to help than someone who is hardly sober.
I am working on the steps and am currently working on step 2, which I have been at for several months because it seems so tough for me. I feel that most of my progress in that way has been when I have gotten a chance to reflect on my relationship with my higher power and he has asked thoughtful questions in order to help with that. Sometimes he has shared about his experience with his second step. He said for him that step 2 was the most difficult for him and I have a feeling that it will be for me too. I find that comforting to know.
The trouble is when we are not talking about steps. There are times my sponsor has talked for 10-15 minutes non-stop about having a rough time with his sponsor or about people he is dating. It's tough because I start to feel like his therapist and there is less room to talk about steps, and I have to worry about his sobriety on top of mine.
GracieLou asked if I didn't want a friend and if it was all about me. I admit that I may certainly be a selfish addict, but honestly my sponsor is just not the sort of person I could ever see myself being friends with. I guess I see my sponsor as somewhere between a therapist and a friend, and I envy those who are friends with their sponsors.
What I am wanting in a sponsor is someone who I can anchor in my sobriety. I want him to share in his experiences and wisdom to help me, but if he needs help I just don't think I'm the best person to help him. As I get more sobriety, I hope that I will be at a point where I can give more than I get and be that anchor for others.
EDIT: While I was typing my reply, Gottalife posted that relying on a sponsor for sobriety is not a viable plan. I find that difficult to accept; I feel that talking to someone who has been sober means that I will get more reliable wisdom to help than someone who is hardly sober.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I try to share my experiences with life and with recovery (and lack of recovery) when I'm talking with a sponsee. MY intent is to show them that they're not the only one dealing with that problem and that by sharing what's really going on they can find companions with whom they can learn from, run things by, and so on. I do that because at most of the meetings I went to when I was new to the program, everyone more more intent on toeing the company line and telling everyone how wonderful life was now that they stopped drinking then they were about talking about their current reality and how they were handling it. Well, that wasn't quite how I was feeling and I felt like I was the only one still dealing with issues.
All that said, however, doesn't mean that's what your sponsor is doing. Maybe they're just being selfish and venting on you. I don't think any of us can say for sure so I'd recommend some quiet contemplation (meditation if you prefer) and maybe even some prayers for an open mind/heart and the ability to see what's really going on here. Are you being selfish? Are they? Come to a conclusion and make a decision to stick with them, say something, not say something move on, etc. There comes a time when you have to start using your judgment (preferably judgment guided by something other than just yourself, your wants and your desires) so this seems like a great opportunity to start practicing.
Grand scheme of things, if you choose poorly you can always reverse yourself and to the other direction. Learning is about trying, maybe making a mistake, and taking corrective action.
All that said, however, doesn't mean that's what your sponsor is doing. Maybe they're just being selfish and venting on you. I don't think any of us can say for sure so I'd recommend some quiet contemplation (meditation if you prefer) and maybe even some prayers for an open mind/heart and the ability to see what's really going on here. Are you being selfish? Are they? Come to a conclusion and make a decision to stick with them, say something, not say something move on, etc. There comes a time when you have to start using your judgment (preferably judgment guided by something other than just yourself, your wants and your desires) so this seems like a great opportunity to start practicing.
Grand scheme of things, if you choose poorly you can always reverse yourself and to the other direction. Learning is about trying, maybe making a mistake, and taking corrective action.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Will008
Thank you all for your responses so far.
I am working on the steps and am currently working on step 2, which I have been at for several months because it seems so tough for me.He said for him that step 2 was the most difficult for him and I have a feeling that it will be for me too.
What I am wanting in a sponsor is someone who I can anchor in my sobriety. I want him to share in his experiences and wisdom to help me,.
I am working on the steps and am currently working on step 2, which I have been at for several months because it seems so tough for me.He said for him that step 2 was the most difficult for him and I have a feeling that it will be for me too.
What I am wanting in a sponsor is someone who I can anchor in my sobriety. I want him to share in his experiences and wisdom to help me,.
You are wasting valuable time sitting on a step. Stop complicating it. Step two is simple. This comes from the bb:
We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. "Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be.
Are you willing to believe there is a power greater than you that can help you with your problem?
Yes you are because there is a power greater than you out there,one of your understanding, that will help you.Doesn't matter what it is and no need to complicate it. Just as long as that power is not you.
Now onto step three.
Cameto believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
It doesn't say we believe before moving on. Doesn't say we are thoroughly convinced.
We come to believe by working the rest of the steps.
Restore us to sanity..just so happens the bb tells us this happens farther along in the steps:
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned.....[/B]
Since ya tell us more, I'd suggest a new sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I want to Thank you for your sincerity and your honest reply to your post.
I did not over think step two. I called AA, I was in recovery, I was going to meetings and had a sponsor. While I did these things I do not believe I did them alone. There was a power working there. A clarity I did not have before. It was not a clarity of sobriety, it was a clarity that comes from surrender and hope. I did not have the power to bring that change in attitude. That clarity, for me, was a glimpse into sanity, and it was given to me, it was a gift.
That thought is what convinced me that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. It had already given me a glimpse and I had to have faith that there was more to come.
First, you do not have to worry about his sobriety, that is between him, his HP and his sponsor. It sounds to me as he is talking to you as a friend.
I was also a bit blown back when my sponsor first talked to me as a friend. I was like "Wait, she wants my advice?, She wants my opinion?". It sort of set me off on a strange shelf that I was not used to sitting on. She was the one I went to advice for, not the other way around? What was happening here?
What was happening was that she was my friend and she viewed me as a friend but I had not stepped out of my own selfishness enough to see it. Being a friend to someone else was not in my comfort zone. It was uncomfortable to me but as time went on it became more comfortable and now I can distinguish between the two. I still call her with recovery questions or advice questions but I also stop in and see her as a friend. I have gotten to the point that I ask her how her day is going and I actually listen.
Are you judging or comparing your sponsor to past friendships? I know I did. My past relationships with people were not about talking, sharing, discussing problems or trying to solve them. That was something new to me and again, it was not in my comfort zone. I had to learn to be a friend, I did not know how regular people become or remain friends.
Have you told your sponsor this? It may be needed and what can solve your issues. You can tell him that you don't feel you have enough ESH to help him, he of course may feel different. Sponsors see us grow, we don't usually see this.
A person said at a meeting the other day "When you live in a neighborhood your whole life you don't see the change but for someone that seen it at the start and then sees it months or years later can easily point out the changes"
I find this to be true. What other people see in me, I do not always see. I have to sometimes reply on others to gauge how I am doing and that goes both ways, good and bad. If they care and I am open, then their honesty is welcomed.
The wisdom and experience they share will only help you if you are open and willing to hear it and apply it. They can't make you do it or force you to act.
I trust my sponsor to give me sound advice. I feel that my HP works through people in my life. He works through my sponsor, my friends and the people in the rooms of AA.
No person is going to keep me sober. My sobriety does not rest in the hands of flesh and bone, for me they are the messenger. My sobriety rests in the trust and faith in a HP. My HP will place people in my path to guide me to the help and the message if I am open to see it and hear it. I believe that as it has happened over and over again.
Do you think it is a coincidence that your sponsor has the same issue with step two? I think not. He was placed in your path for a reason. Maybe you are questioning the reason?
I find when I let things be and try not to complicate or distort them, my life is so much simpler but then again, it is a simple program for complicated people.
Originally Posted by Will008
I am working on the steps and am currently working on step 2, which I have been at for several months because it seems so tough for me. I feel that most of my progress in that way has been when I have gotten a chance to reflect on my relationship with my higher power and he has asked thoughtful questions in order to help with that. Sometimes he has shared about his experience with his second step. He said for him that step 2 was the most difficult for him and I have a feeling that it will be for me too. I find that comforting to know.
That thought is what convinced me that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. It had already given me a glimpse and I had to have faith that there was more to come.
Originally Posted by Will008
The trouble is when we are not talking about steps. There are times my sponsor has talked for 10-15 minutes non-stop about having a rough time with his sponsor or about people he is dating. It's tough because I start to feel like his therapist and there is less room to talk about steps, and I have to worry about his sobriety on top of mine.
I was also a bit blown back when my sponsor first talked to me as a friend. I was like "Wait, she wants my advice?, She wants my opinion?". It sort of set me off on a strange shelf that I was not used to sitting on. She was the one I went to advice for, not the other way around? What was happening here?
What was happening was that she was my friend and she viewed me as a friend but I had not stepped out of my own selfishness enough to see it. Being a friend to someone else was not in my comfort zone. It was uncomfortable to me but as time went on it became more comfortable and now I can distinguish between the two. I still call her with recovery questions or advice questions but I also stop in and see her as a friend. I have gotten to the point that I ask her how her day is going and I actually listen.
Originally Posted by Will008
honestly my sponsor is just not the sort of person I could ever see myself being friends with. I guess I see my sponsor as somewhere between a therapist and a friend, and I envy those who are friends with their sponsors.
Originally Posted by Will008
What I am wanting in a sponsor is someone who I can anchor in my sobriety. I want him to share in his experiences and wisdom to help me, but if he needs help I just don't think I'm the best person to help him.
A person said at a meeting the other day "When you live in a neighborhood your whole life you don't see the change but for someone that seen it at the start and then sees it months or years later can easily point out the changes"
I find this to be true. What other people see in me, I do not always see. I have to sometimes reply on others to gauge how I am doing and that goes both ways, good and bad. If they care and I am open, then their honesty is welcomed.
Originally Posted by Will008
While I was typing my reply, Gottalife posted that relying on a sponsor for sobriety is not a viable plan. I find that difficult to accept; I feel that talking to someone who has been sober means that I will get more reliable wisdom to help than someone who is hardly sober.
I trust my sponsor to give me sound advice. I feel that my HP works through people in my life. He works through my sponsor, my friends and the people in the rooms of AA.
No person is going to keep me sober. My sobriety does not rest in the hands of flesh and bone, for me they are the messenger. My sobriety rests in the trust and faith in a HP. My HP will place people in my path to guide me to the help and the message if I am open to see it and hear it. I believe that as it has happened over and over again.
Do you think it is a coincidence that your sponsor has the same issue with step two? I think not. He was placed in your path for a reason. Maybe you are questioning the reason?
I find when I let things be and try not to complicate or distort them, my life is so much simpler but then again, it is a simple program for complicated people.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
The first time through those steps, Step 2 is a willingness to work the following steps, Step 3 is a decision to move forward at once with Step 4 and keep moving through to Step 7 and beyond. Working those steps helps us to find and establish a relationship with a power greater than ourselves.
If this sponsor isn't working well for you at this time, maybe find another sponsor, but definitely let this sponsor know what you are doing.
Or learn to be a friend and listen. Something someone else can do with you!
If this sponsor isn't working well for you at this time, maybe find another sponsor, but definitely let this sponsor know what you are doing.
Or learn to be a friend and listen. Something someone else can do with you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
I get it when people are stuck on step 1. Powerlessness is difficult to swallow. It took me years and multiple attempts to control my drinking to really believe it. But once you truly believe you are powerless, step 2 comes ... naturally.
For me, step 2 was simply acknowledging that I could not do it alone. I had tried to get and stay sober on my own terms many times, and I always drank again. I had no clear idea on what that power greater than me was, I simply agreed that it would take something bigger than myself to accomplish the task.
I guess my point is this: you are actually stuck on step 1, not step 2. If you believed you were powerless, than nothing but a power greater than yourself could bring you back.
For me, step 2 was simply acknowledging that I could not do it alone. I had tried to get and stay sober on my own terms many times, and I always drank again. I had no clear idea on what that power greater than me was, I simply agreed that it would take something bigger than myself to accomplish the task.
I guess my point is this: you are actually stuck on step 1, not step 2. If you believed you were powerless, than nothing but a power greater than yourself could bring you back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Will008
...The trouble is when we are not talking about steps. There are times my sponsor has talked for 10-15 minutes non-stop about having a rough time with his sponsor or about people he is dating. It's tough because I start to feel like his therapist...
GracieLou asked if I didn't want a friend and if it was all about me. I admit that I may certainly be a selfish addict, but honestly my sponsor is just not the sort of person I could ever see myself being friends with.
GracieLou asked if I didn't want a friend and if it was all about me. I admit that I may certainly be a selfish addict, but honestly my sponsor is just not the sort of person I could ever see myself being friends with.
If it`s not working out it`s not working out. No blame. Thank the man for all his time/help but you`re rethinking how you want to move forward. Keep it simple.
If by chance the guy gets upset thank him again for his time, be polite but then hang up or walk away.
And don`t gossip about what happened.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hmmm - tough call re whether to change sponsors. Might be worth a frank chat about how it's working out with him before you make a decision.
In the meantime, it's definitely worth trying to work through that sticky step so you can get on with things. Have you got a copy of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions? I find that one of the most helpful books to use alongside the Big Book. You can read it online if you haven't got a copy.... http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step2.pdf
I also found the speaker recordings really helpful. If you go on youtube and put in AA speaker step 1 2 3 lots will come up. (I liked Mickey Bush / Mickey B. as he is funny as well as straight talking, but there are lots of others there.)
Good luck, whatever you decide.
In the meantime, it's definitely worth trying to work through that sticky step so you can get on with things. Have you got a copy of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions? I find that one of the most helpful books to use alongside the Big Book. You can read it online if you haven't got a copy.... http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step2.pdf
I also found the speaker recordings really helpful. If you go on youtube and put in AA speaker step 1 2 3 lots will come up. (I liked Mickey Bush / Mickey B. as he is funny as well as straight talking, but there are lots of others there.)
Good luck, whatever you decide.
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