Traded in a wet chip today. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Brookie · 07-29-2004, 02:03 PM

I took another trip through the revolving door yesterday. This post is kind of my analysis of why. Definitely not trying to engage in self pity or self deception here. Driving to the liquor store on my way home from work, I knew full well I could turn around and gut out another night, but I didn't want to. After about four days, I felt like sobriety just absolutely sucked. My nerves were jangling. I was climbing the walls. I couldn't stand to be around people (most of all myself), and alcohol relieves all that crap. I got drunk, watched people slaughter each other on the news, generally reached a state of oblivion. I felt a lot better drinking for a while, passed out on my couch (as usual) and finally climbed into bed at about 4:30 a.m. Why did I drink? Short answer is that sobriety sucked, and the only alternative I know is being drunk.

I went to a nooner today and traded in my wet 24 hour chip for a dry one. It was a book discussion meeting (never made one of those before), and the topic was Step 2. I don't know if I have an HP, but I really felt like something or someone was guiding me to go. Got a good, much needed kick in the pants. Several people discussing real problems, job loss, families disintigrating, friends dying, etc. Put my complaints about being anxious and jumpy right into perspective, as well as reminding me what's in store if I don't make some real changes. I had a snootful of that at yesterday's meeting too, but somehow it didn't seem to punch through. It probably just made me resentful, although I can't explain why.

I shared at the meeting that that painful feeling is probably how I can relate to Step One. I'm not "powerless" against alcohol to the point that a capfull of wine will make me guzzle every drop in the house, every time, and wake up in jail. But I am powerless against the creeping tide of my life that demands to be pushed back with alcohol to dull the pain. As Dan told me last week - something's going to break eventually. When it does, it's going to be ugly.

It was also helpful to talk about step 2. I'm congenitally unable to talk about God. "We Agnostics" speaks pretty directly to me. But it helps to know that the program is something more than "not drinking." If that's all it is, that's not going to help me.

I'm having lunch with a guy from my meeting tomorrow. Thinking seriously about asking him to sponsor me. The harder part is going to be talking with my wife about this - and I haven't told her I've been trying to quit. I can admit powerless to myself or to complete strangers, but it's sooooooo hard to admit it to her. Don't know how I'm going to do that, but I know I can't go forward without doing it.

Anyway, sorry to ramble so much. Just had a very powerful experience at the meeting today, and wanted to share it.

Best to all,
Joe

Dan · 07-29-2004, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brookie

.
I'm having lunch with a guy from my meeting tomorrow. Thinking seriously about asking him to sponsor me. The harder part is going to be talking with my wife about this - and I haven't told her I've been trying to quit. I can admit powerless to myself or to complete strangers, but it's sooooooo hard to admit it to her. Don't know how I'm going to do that, but I know I can't go forward without doing it.

Wow Joe.
Your post, all of it.
Just wow.
Welcome again man.

Gooch · 07-29-2004, 02:21 PM

Ditto on the wow!

Welcome.

MootPoint · 07-29-2004, 02:28 PM

Ditto on the wow!

Congradulations on your decision. Sounds like you're on your way!

JaySee · 07-29-2004, 02:29 PM

Hi Brookie

I've just had my first one to one meeting with my first sponsor ever. Best thing I've experienced in recovery so far. I feel like I belong now - feel that I am making some real effort - feel like this program is right for me and it will work.

much love

JC

Brookie · 07-29-2004, 02:34 PM

Cripes! I've left everybody speechless.

Thanks for the encouragement, and congrats on the good feeling, JaySee. I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.

1Marty · 07-29-2004, 07:45 PM

Awesome Joe!!

Dan · 07-30-2004, 07:21 AM

Joe, I borrowed this from Don S., a member here at SR.

Quote:

If we don't learn to quiet that brain sober, abstinence may just seem like a form of deprivation. If we notice and write down the benefits of a clearer mind, we can appreciate abstinence -- not for having demonstrated our virtue or strength of character, but for having given ourselves a new opportunity to experience life.

Check out this thread, if you haven't already...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=27181 (Friday Affirmation: What does sobriety look like?)

Chy · 07-30-2004, 07:37 AM

Excellent post... I've never heard that.. the wet chip for a dry one, I like! Hang in there, I think you've got it!

Brookie · 07-30-2004, 08:19 AM

Thanks Dan - Don said it exactly right. I haven't been reading that thread, but I'll check it out.

Chy - That's something they say around the meeting I've been going to. A "wet" chip is one you were holding when you drank. The tradition around here (maybe everywhere for all I know) is to trade it in for a new one, since it was obviously defective.

Brookie · 07-30-2004, 01:06 PM

Update - Thought I'd let you know that I had a long lunch with the guy I mentioned yesterday. He's feeling a little overcommitted right now, but is happy to be my temporary sponsor. Feeling some relief from that alone.

Thanks again for the encouragement, y'all.

Brookie · 07-30-2004, 01:11 PM

Ok - this is wierd. Just got a call from my temporary sponsor. When he got back from work, he had a message from one of his sponsees to say he was moving to San Antonio, freeing up a bunch of his time. Now I've got a non-temporary sponsor. Still struggling with that higher power stuff, but that's kind of startling.

Dan · 07-30-2004, 01:19 PM

You know Joe, there's no time constraints here...
Take it from this atheist/agnostic/pagan...
We find a higher power if we look with an open mind, and an open heart.
Startling you say?
Maybe

Brookie · 07-30-2004, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DangerousDan

You know Joe, there's no time constraints here...

I hope not - That one's going to take me a while.

Maybe not, though. I'm sort of a naturistic pagan myself. I'd probably have enjoyed church more as a kid if I could have attended in goat-skin leggings.

Dan · 07-30-2004, 01:24 PM

Yep.
Here's where I worship...
Grab a branch

JennieB · 07-30-2004, 01:47 PM

That is awesome that you picked up a sponsor. I believe in a God. And I have to say..that was a God move there. First he said that he could only be your temp. Then you get home and his sponsee is moving so now he is your full time sponsor. Sounds like a plan of a HP to me! In the beginning I didn't believe one too. I used the chairs in AA. I knew that when I went to a meeting everything was going to be ok. Then I used the people sitting in the chairs. Today I know my God looks over me every minute! All you have to believe is that there is something! Doesn't matter what you call it.

Dan · 07-30-2004, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JennieB

All you have to believe is that there is something! Doesn't matter what you call it.

Amen Jennie.

Little Missy · 07-30-2004, 05:10 PM

Wow Joe!! What a great experience you have had!! Congrats on the sponsor.

I always say, all you have to do is look into the eyes of a child to know there is something bigger and better then us out there!

Hugs,
Missy

JennieB · 08-06-2004, 12:26 PM

KelKel · 08-06-2004, 12:35 PM

Joe....

07-29-2004, 02:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
Brookie Old and in the Way Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: High and Dry Posts: 789	Traded in a wet chip today. I took another trip through the revolving door yesterday. This post is kind of my analysis of why. Definitely not trying to engage in self pity or self deception here. Driving to the liquor store on my way home from work, I knew full well I could turn around and gut out another night, but I didn't want to. After about four days, I felt like sobriety just absolutely sucked. My nerves were jangling. I was climbing the walls. I couldn't stand to be around people (most of all myself), and alcohol relieves all that crap. I got drunk, watched people slaughter each other on the news, generally reached a state of oblivion. I felt a lot better drinking for a while, passed out on my couch (as usual) and finally climbed into bed at about 4:30 a.m. Why did I drink? Short answer is that sobriety sucked, and the only alternative I know is being drunk. I went to a nooner today and traded in my wet 24 hour chip for a dry one. It was a book discussion meeting (never made one of those before), and the topic was Step 2. I don't know if I have an HP, but I really felt like something or someone was guiding me to go. Got a good, much needed kick in the pants. Several people discussing real problems, job loss, families disintigrating, friends dying, etc. Put my complaints about being anxious and jumpy right into perspective, as well as reminding me what's in store if I don't make some real changes. I had a snootful of that at yesterday's meeting too, but somehow it didn't seem to punch through. It probably just made me resentful, although I can't explain why. I shared at the meeting that that painful feeling is probably how I can relate to Step One. I'm not "powerless" against alcohol to the point that a capfull of wine will make me guzzle every drop in the house, every time, and wake up in jail. But I am powerless against the creeping tide of my life that demands to be pushed back with alcohol to dull the pain. As Dan told me last week - something's going to break eventually. When it does, it's going to be ugly. It was also helpful to talk about step 2. I'm congenitally unable to talk about God. "We Agnostics" speaks pretty directly to me. But it helps to know that the program is something more than "not drinking." If that's all it is, that's not going to help me. I'm having lunch with a guy from my meeting tomorrow. Thinking seriously about asking him to sponsor me. The harder part is going to be talking with my wife about this - and I haven't told her I've been trying to quit. I can admit powerless to myself or to complete strangers, but it's sooooooo hard to admit it to her. Don't know how I'm going to do that, but I know I can't go forward without doing it. Anyway, sorry to ramble so much. Just had a very powerful experience at the meeting today, and wanted to share it. Best to all, Joe

07-29-2004, 02:28 PM	#4 (permalink)
MootPoint we're all mad here! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: a padded room with bars Posts: 1,687	Ditto on the wow! Congradulations on your decision. Sounds like you're on your way! __________________ The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. ---------Terry Pratchett

07-29-2004, 02:29 PM	#5 (permalink)
JaySee Choosing Life Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: London Posts: 888	Hi Brookie I've just had my first one to one meeting with my first sponsor ever. Best thing I've experienced in recovery so far. I feel like I belong now - feel that I am making some real effort - feel like this program is right for me and it will work. much love JC __________________ I told these guys I could now drink socially →

07-30-2004, 05:10 PM	#18 (permalink)
Little Missy NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know! Posts: 1,831	Wow Joe!! What a great experience you have had!! Congrats on the sponsor. I always say, all you have to do is look into the eyes of a child to know there is something bigger and better then us out there! Hugs, Missy __________________ May all your days be filled with love and laughter!

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07-29-2004, 02:21 PM	#3 (permalink)
Gooch Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: out there... Posts: 2,668	Ditto on the wow! Welcome.

07-29-2004, 02:34 PM	#6 (permalink)
Brookie Old and in the Way Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: High and Dry Posts: 789	Cripes! I've left everybody speechless. Thanks for the encouragement, and congrats on the good feeling, JaySee. I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.

07-29-2004, 07:45 PM	#7 (permalink)
1Marty Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: God's Grace Posts: 689	Awesome Joe!!

07-30-2004, 07:37 AM	#9 (permalink)
Chy Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx Posts: 5,886	Excellent post... I've never heard that.. the wet chip for a dry one, I like! Hang in there, I think you've got it!

07-30-2004, 08:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
Brookie Old and in the Way Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: High and Dry Posts: 789	Thanks Dan - Don said it exactly right. I haven't been reading that thread, but I'll check it out. Chy - That's something they say around the meeting I've been going to. A "wet" chip is one you were holding when you drank. The tradition around here (maybe everywhere for all I know) is to trade it in for a new one, since it was obviously defective.

07-30-2004, 01:06 PM	#11 (permalink)
Brookie Old and in the Way Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: High and Dry Posts: 789	Update - Thought I'd let you know that I had a long lunch with the guy I mentioned yesterday. He's feeling a little overcommitted right now, but is happy to be my temporary sponsor. Feeling some relief from that alone. Thanks again for the encouragement, y'all.

07-30-2004, 01:11 PM	#12 (permalink)
Brookie Old and in the Way Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: High and Dry Posts: 789	Ok - this is wierd. Just got a call from my temporary sponsor. When he got back from work, he had a message from one of his sponsees to say he was moving to San Antonio, freeing up a bunch of his time. Now I've got a non-temporary sponsor. Still struggling with that higher power stuff, but that's kind of startling.

07-30-2004, 01:19 PM	#13 (permalink)
Dan Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 8,753	You know Joe, there's no time constraints here... Take it from this atheist/agnostic/pagan... We find a higher power if we look with an open mind, and an open heart. Startling you say? Maybe

07-30-2004, 01:24 PM	#15 (permalink)
Dan Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 8,753	Yep. Here's where I worship... Grab a branch

07-30-2004, 01:47 PM	#16 (permalink)
JennieB Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: ENGLISHTOWN, NJ Posts: 65	That is awesome that you picked up a sponsor. I believe in a God. And I have to say..that was a God move there. First he said that he could only be your temp. Then you get home and his sponsee is moving so now he is your full time sponsor. Sounds like a plan of a HP to me! In the beginning I didn't believe one too. I used the chairs in AA. I knew that when I went to a meeting everything was going to be ok. Then I used the people sitting in the chairs. Today I know my God looks over me every minute! All you have to believe is that there is something! Doesn't matter what you call it.

08-06-2004, 12:26 PM	#19 (permalink)
JennieB Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: ENGLISHTOWN, NJ Posts: 65

08-06-2004, 12:35 PM	#20 (permalink)
KelKel Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: The Mohave Desert Posts: 2,313	Joe....

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