Resentment, the #1 Offender
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Resentment, the #1 Offender
A lot of resentment (all?) comes from taking things personally.
There's a reason it's called taking it personally.
If I'm taking it, I might want it.
Yes our anger makes us feel powerful
It can distract us from something we don't want to look at in our own lives
There might be a change we need help in making
But also, the psychology of a child says the child can never blame it's caregivers, it can only blame itself
So we tend to think other people's stuff is our fault and ours to deal with (it's not)
We want to have understanding patience tolerance and remember where others end and we begin
We can practice detaching from someone else's anxiety or anger as it's happening
We observe (in the moment and after it happens) how it's not ours
We don't have to take things personally.
We can have peace no matter what's going on around us
The first time I did this I saw how much Power I really do have
It was awesome
I had nothing but compassion for myself and the other.
There's a reason it's called taking it personally.
If I'm taking it, I might want it.
Yes our anger makes us feel powerful
It can distract us from something we don't want to look at in our own lives
There might be a change we need help in making
But also, the psychology of a child says the child can never blame it's caregivers, it can only blame itself
So we tend to think other people's stuff is our fault and ours to deal with (it's not)
We want to have understanding patience tolerance and remember where others end and we begin
We can practice detaching from someone else's anxiety or anger as it's happening
We observe (in the moment and after it happens) how it's not ours
We don't have to take things personally.
We can have peace no matter what's going on around us
The first time I did this I saw how much Power I really do have
It was awesome
I had nothing but compassion for myself and the other.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
When I have anger or resentment I first recognize the emotion. I don't beat myself up or consider such feelings good or bad. They part of what makes me human.
Then I ask myself what if anything can be done to help change what's going on. If I am not sure I try and ask someone one. If there isn't anything which can be done like it or not I must accept the situation.
Next the question then becomes how long will I allow myself to feel uncomfortable.
Yesterday, I had a crummy day was feeling anxious up until early evening.
Nothing wrong with that.
I did what I could to help rectify the situation and today feel much better.
My program is one of action and keeping it very simple.
Am I happy, joyous and free? No, but my life is stable. I don't consider happy, joyous and free the definition of emotional sobriety. For me emotional sobriety is the ability to deal with the ups/downs of life in a healthy manner.
Then I ask myself what if anything can be done to help change what's going on. If I am not sure I try and ask someone one. If there isn't anything which can be done like it or not I must accept the situation.
Next the question then becomes how long will I allow myself to feel uncomfortable.
Yesterday, I had a crummy day was feeling anxious up until early evening.
Nothing wrong with that.
I did what I could to help rectify the situation and today feel much better.
My program is one of action and keeping it very simple.
Am I happy, joyous and free? No, but my life is stable. I don't consider happy, joyous and free the definition of emotional sobriety. For me emotional sobriety is the ability to deal with the ups/downs of life in a healthy manner.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
its not the first time i have agreed with kens posts but it sums up what i have to do myself when i am in pain or feeling angry, from driving my car and someone angers me on the road i shut up and dont let my mouth open and it works
within a moment i am laughing at myself as i very nearly let the anger out : )
i have to first see the emotion that is causing me the upset, and then i have to treat it with a course of action
either ring my sponsor to help me see what is up, go to a meeting and share about it, sit down and right out how i am feeling and try and see when i read it back if it makes any sense to me
i dont have to do these things half as much as i did many years ago as when an upset emotion kicks in that will not go away my first port of call is to contact a new comer or do something to help someone else
this soon frees me up even more
but i have to put that action in otherwise i will just sit there all day long living in it and my day will end up a bad one and who knows how many more days i will sit in the pain ?
this new way of living life for me is what i have learned to do thanks to the program and my sponsor and the aa memebers in and around all the meetings i have gone to and still go to
i know i have grown and i have changed from how i was when i first come in to how i am today
i also know i am never going to be perfect or a finsihed product even now when i send this message something could happen thats going to upset me and i will have to get my tools out again lol
within a moment i am laughing at myself as i very nearly let the anger out : )
i have to first see the emotion that is causing me the upset, and then i have to treat it with a course of action
either ring my sponsor to help me see what is up, go to a meeting and share about it, sit down and right out how i am feeling and try and see when i read it back if it makes any sense to me
i dont have to do these things half as much as i did many years ago as when an upset emotion kicks in that will not go away my first port of call is to contact a new comer or do something to help someone else
this soon frees me up even more
but i have to put that action in otherwise i will just sit there all day long living in it and my day will end up a bad one and who knows how many more days i will sit in the pain ?
this new way of living life for me is what i have learned to do thanks to the program and my sponsor and the aa memebers in and around all the meetings i have gone to and still go to
i know i have grown and i have changed from how i was when i first come in to how i am today
i also know i am never going to be perfect or a finsihed product even now when i send this message something could happen thats going to upset me and i will have to get my tools out again lol
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Enjoyed the post.
Could you give an example of how this can be exercised and one not be happy, joyous and free?
Originally Posted by Ken33xx 
For me emotional sobriety is the ability to deal with the ups/downs of life in a healthy manner.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by legna
Enjoyed the post.
Could you give an example of how this can be exercised and one not be happy, joyous and free?
Could you give an example of how this can be exercised and one not be happy, joyous and free?
I mentioned yesterday I was having a crummy day. Got some unpleasant news before leaving for work in the morning.
Now, I'm getting ready to walk out the door when my wife tells me to have a nice day and asks what time I will be coming home? I've already pretty much ignored her all morning as I was dealing with the news I received by email.
Anyway... I'm about to shut the door and I remind myself my being anxious has nothing to do with her. I call out my goodbye in a pleasant voice and tell her I'll be home around 9.
I walk to the train station and go to work still in anxious funk. While at work I continue to think about how to rectify my problem. Meantime I'm aware of my mood and don't take anything out on my co-workers.
After thinking things over and speaking to someone over the phone I sent out an email and moved on with my day.
By noon I was feeling less stressed and by the time I had coffee with another AA member at 6 I was feeling better.
This morning I got an email concerning the situation but not necessarily solving the problem. However, it is moving towards a resolution.
Am I happy, joyous and free today? No, but I do have stability and yesterday I realized I wasn't in a good space yet didn't take it out on anyone.
This is how I consider dealing with life on life's terms in a healthy manner. Now, I am not suggesting I am always successful at this. However, I am pretty good these days when it comes to thinking before I react esp. when I feel my character defects rising.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Avoiding resentments, for me, starts with acceptance; acceptance without judgement.
When someone does something that might upset me, my first thought tends to be that they are WRONG!
When I can short circuit that anger and judgement I can usually accept people for who they are.
Then I can see that usually their actions are not directed at me, personally.
Then I can do what WMJ1012 suggests and not take it personally.
I cannot do this every time, but I pray for this ability -- to see with acceptance -- daily.
Things are improving for me and for those around me.
I also have to accept that I am a slow learner when it comes to interpersonal interactions.
When I sit in judgement of another's actions, am I not playing God?
Consequently, I have lost the humility that I need to accept my Higher Power . . .
The humility to be able to recover from alcoholism.
When someone does something that might upset me, my first thought tends to be that they are WRONG!
When I can short circuit that anger and judgement I can usually accept people for who they are.
Then I can see that usually their actions are not directed at me, personally.
Then I can do what WMJ1012 suggests and not take it personally.
I cannot do this every time, but I pray for this ability -- to see with acceptance -- daily.
Things are improving for me and for those around me.
I also have to accept that I am a slow learner when it comes to interpersonal interactions.
When I sit in judgement of another's actions, am I not playing God?
Consequently, I have lost the humility that I need to accept my Higher Power . . .
The humility to be able to recover from alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by dox
...When someone does something that might upset me, my first thought tends to be that they are WRONG!
I don't usually think that way. My first thoughts are I've got a problem and how can I fix this? Who is right/wrong usually doesn't matter because I realize I'm probably not going to change anyone's mind.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
Originally Posted by legna
Enjoyed the post.
Could you give an example of how this can be exercised and one not be happy, joyous and free?
Could you give an example of how this can be exercised and one not be happy, joyous and free?
for example if my son had lived i sure would be posting up how happy joyus and free i am but without my son its empty i loved him so so much there isnt a day i dont wish he was still here, and its 2 years now, but i have to accept this is all part of grieving i have accepted i am never going to be the same ever again, as there is always a seat empty at home were he would be, when i do things with my other kids he is not there with us, and he is missed,
the only advise i know to follow is keep on plodding on putting one foot in front of the other
i have seen so many people in the past claim to be happy joyus and free when things are going good
sit back and watch what happens should a partner leave them, or they lose a job or anything happens in there life that doesn't go there way
but to be honest its the only way i believe we all grow is via pain in life somthing everyone has to cope with at some point, if life could be pain free we would all be happy joyus and free but its not
so enjoy the good times for as long as they last as sadly this to will pass
we will have good times and bad times i have to be equipped for the bad times as the good times will take care of themselves.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by dox
Avoiding resentments, for me, starts with acceptance; acceptance without judgement.
When someone does something that might upset me, my first thought tends to be that they are WRONG!
When I can short circuit that anger and judgement I can usually accept people for who they are.
Then I can see that usually their actions are not directed at me, personally.
Then I can do what WMJ1012 suggests and not take it personally.
I cannot do this every time, but I pray for this ability -- to see with acceptance -- daily.
Things are improving for me and for those around me.
I also have to accept that I am a slow learner when it comes to interpersonal interactions.
When I sit in judgement of another's actions, am I not playing God?
Consequently, I have lost the humility that I need to accept my Higher Power . . .
The humility to be able to recover from alcoholism.
When someone does something that might upset me, my first thought tends to be that they are WRONG!
When I can short circuit that anger and judgement I can usually accept people for who they are.
Then I can see that usually their actions are not directed at me, personally.
Then I can do what WMJ1012 suggests and not take it personally.
I cannot do this every time, but I pray for this ability -- to see with acceptance -- daily.
Things are improving for me and for those around me.
I also have to accept that I am a slow learner when it comes to interpersonal interactions.
When I sit in judgement of another's actions, am I not playing God?
Consequently, I have lost the humility that I need to accept my Higher Power . . .
The humility to be able to recover from alcoholism.
I find myself more free these days. I am not so compassionately advanced as Legna but I can see how that would be a totally resentment free life.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I usually just pray,ask God to remove that anger and direct my attention to what He wants me to be and get on with life.The sooner I do this,the better the results.
anger comes from several sources,not just fear.Anger is still poison to me and I try to avoid it as much as I can.Anger distorts my thinking and my life..
anger comes from several sources,not just fear.Anger is still poison to me and I try to avoid it as much as I can.Anger distorts my thinking and my life..
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
I usually just pray,ask God to remove that anger and direct my attention to what He wants me to be and get on with life.The sooner I do this,the better the results.
(Page 84)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Yes, a 10th step can help us move on with the day without the resentment, that's for sure.
Resentments are useful though too. They're good because they can help us learn more about ourselves. A lot of people think they're bad, they're not.
The 10th Step isn't just there to get rid of the resentment, the 10th step helps us use the resentment to grow (in understanding - and therefore overall effectiveness), not just effectiveness because we got rid of the resentment.
This is were it really gets fun!
Resentments are useful though too. They're good because they can help us learn more about ourselves. A lot of people think they're bad, they're not.
The 10th Step isn't just there to get rid of the resentment, the 10th step helps us use the resentment to grow (in understanding - and therefore overall effectiveness), not just effectiveness because we got rid of the resentment.
This is were it really gets fun!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
When I resent, for any reason I'm stuck in that resentment. I can't move on with my own life. It was explained to me that resentment is like me taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. The Big Book has a chapter called "Freedom from Bondage". It recommends praying for the other person, asking that God give that person everything I want for myself. It works!
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