Discussion after meeting - folks Split on Opinions
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This happened to me when I was waiting tables. Literally a customer told me the busboy had just stolen my tip. I told my mgr who watched him that night, he was stealing more than just mine. So, my mgr photocopied a $10 bill and left it on a table of mine after the party had left (they had tipped on their c/card). Of course, he took it. My mgr waited for a while then asked him to turn out his pockets. He had the $10 bill in there which matched the copy. He was fired on the spot.
I was thankful to those folks who told me b/c as a server, my hourly wage was $2.12 per hour. I depended on tips.
So yes, I would tell.
I was thankful to those folks who told me b/c as a server, my hourly wage was $2.12 per hour. I depended on tips.
So yes, I would tell.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Like others I don't see what it has to do with AA but I would tell, albeit indirectly.
Next time I'd eat there, I would just tell the waitress: I noticed that you guys are pooling your tips, that's really cool.
Like that if they are pooling, I am not accusing an innocent person of stealing and if they are not, the waitress is bound to say: no we are not.
Then I can just say: oops my bad, I noticed a bus boy picking up the tips the other day so I assumed you pooled.
Next time I'd eat there, I would just tell the waitress: I noticed that you guys are pooling your tips, that's really cool.
Like that if they are pooling, I am not accusing an innocent person of stealing and if they are not, the waitress is bound to say: no we are not.
Then I can just say: oops my bad, I noticed a bus boy picking up the tips the other day so I assumed you pooled.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
If you talk to the waitress, or to the owner, and share circumstantial evidence, the busboy may be fired, unless the assumption is incorrect and this is all part of the busboy doing his job.
If you talk to the busboy directly, you're giving him the chance to explain. If he is stealing, he gets an opportunity to grow.
I'm a supervisor in a large organization with heavy emphasis on ethics, and almost without exception, those situations which are handled directly turn out better than those that come to me through a third party. I've received phone calls where I've heard, "So&so talked with me about _______, and I realize my behavior should have been different." While it may be unimaginable to learn this busboy rats on himself, he could, as the result of direct communication, reform his behavior.
What's it have to do with AA or being an AA member? We get to/need to practice courage over fear, humility in the face of what we think we know, respect for another human being.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
If you talk to the busboy directly, you're giving him the chance to explain. If he is stealing, he gets an opportunity to grow.
I'm a supervisor in a large organization with heavy emphasis on ethics, and almost without exception, those situations which are handled directly turn out better than those that come to me through a third party. I've received phone calls where I've heard, "So&so talked with me about _______, and I realize my behavior should have been different." While it may be unimaginable to learn this busboy rats on himself, he could, as the result of direct communication, reform his behavior.
What's it have to do with AA or being an AA member? We get to/need to practice courage over fear, humility in the face of what we think we know, respect for another human being.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by Cecilia44 
This is an interesting discussion, so I looked up what the Bible would have us do in such a situation. I found this:
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. - James 4:17
Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. - Luke 17:3
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17
However, if they split tips as others have mentioned above, I am not sure that I would say anything. I just thought I would put those Bible quotes out there to see what others think and I do agree with biminiblue, we don't really know the whole situation.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. - James 4:17
Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. - Luke 17:3
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17
However, if they split tips as others have mentioned above, I am not sure that I would say anything. I just thought I would put those Bible quotes out there to see what others think and I do agree with biminiblue, we don't really know the whole situation.
And even if someone steals from me, I still might not say something. What I would do first is write it out and see my part. Did I set the ball rolling somehow either with actions or emotions? Have I acted in some way that could have set myself up? If that's the case I can change what's under it instead of focusing on controlling the person who stole from me. And believe me the more we grow the more subtle our part is.
Usually the universe is trying to show me something.
If I really have no part and someone just stole because that's what they do, I can speak up.
(this is all for when someone steals from me, not others)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
What I always thought was "right"...well, AA showed me another way and was the Truth.
I'm given a set of principles to follow and when I don't follow them I act like the old "me".
When I do follow them it works. I don't get myself into messes.
AA principles go against the grain. They go against almost everything I thought was right and true.
What we're doing here is wearing new grooves into our minds and hearts.
When they say we change everything they ain't kidding
The spiritual life wasn't meant to be normal (the majority)
But it's actually the most Normal thing that exists
Another paradox
I'm given a set of principles to follow and when I don't follow them I act like the old "me".
When I do follow them it works. I don't get myself into messes.
AA principles go against the grain. They go against almost everything I thought was right and true.
What we're doing here is wearing new grooves into our minds and hearts.
When they say we change everything they ain't kidding
The spiritual life wasn't meant to be normal (the majority)
But it's actually the most Normal thing that exists
Another paradox
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 61
I would first find out the facts~is he picking up the tips because he has been asked to do so from someone in the restaurant? Did the waitress go off shift before the people were finished eating their meal? Was the waitress taking a break?
If it is determined that yes he is in fact stealing then yes I would bring it quietly to the attention of the owner and/or manager~because it is the right thing to do~both morally and ethically~
If it is determined that yes he is in fact stealing then yes I would bring it quietly to the attention of the owner and/or manager~because it is the right thing to do~both morally and ethically~
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by WMJ1012
As an AA member, would you tell someone about it?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,357
Originally Posted by legna
If I were the server and I saw him taking my tips, I would let it go and say nothing. I try and treat others as I'd wish to be treated and so I'd say nothing as a customer who witnessed it too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
Well, here goes nothing, lol
I don't see it as a topic for an AA meeting, period. Our primary purpose is not to solve every problem, like whether a busboy is being honest or not. There could have been a member or newcomer in that meeting struggling with sobriety who needed to hear a message of recovery--not how to solve an outside issue that has absolutely nothing to do with alcoholism. This is a question to bring to one's sponsor or network, not to a meeting.
I don't see it as a topic for an AA meeting, period. Our primary purpose is not to solve every problem, like whether a busboy is being honest or not. There could have been a member or newcomer in that meeting struggling with sobriety who needed to hear a message of recovery--not how to solve an outside issue that has absolutely nothing to do with alcoholism. This is a question to bring to one's sponsor or network, not to a meeting.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.
It seems to me we're talking about whether this is an affair the observer (an AA member - presumably trying to live to a higher ideal than they used to) would feel a sense of duty or not and if so, would they act upon it or ignore it. AA meeting topic, probably not. Discussion worthy one to one or on the internet, I think so.
It seems to me we're talking about whether this is an affair the observer (an AA member - presumably trying to live to a higher ideal than they used to) would feel a sense of duty or not and if so, would they act upon it or ignore it. AA meeting topic, probably not. Discussion worthy one to one or on the internet, I think so.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Just to clarify, in the original post it was stated that this topic came up for discussion AFTER the meeting. Personally I think there are too many variables for me to automatically assume that the busboy was stealing the tips. I would rather take the risk of not stopping a wrong than falsely accusing someone of doing wrong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
In the world of recovery, nothing is an outside issue. The process of spiritual
Growth is meant to challenge our thinking in every situation that comes up
(...spiritual principles were the answer to all my problems." BB)
Growth is meant to challenge our thinking in every situation that comes up
(...spiritual principles were the answer to all my problems." BB)
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Since it happened to me, I might just ask him directly if he was stealing the waitpersons tips. Since coming into program I have come to realize I am a major control freak and that my life is sooooo much simpler now that I do not try to control and manipulate others. That being said, I do not want to pendulum to swing so far the other way I become apathetic and allow evil to prosper simply because I do not want to appear controlling. Sometimes I have to just speak up, even if it causes conflict. The difference today is I don't have to get resentful if they do not listen to me and go drink over today.
For me it is continually consulting God and asking him to show me when to speak and when to be quiet
For me it is continually consulting God and asking him to show me when to speak and when to be quiet
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by WMJ1012
After a meeting yesterday, people seemed pretty much split on this. It was interesting for me to observe. Here was this woman's dilemma:
You're sitting in a restaurant. You are at this restaurant fairly often. You have come to be familiar with the owner and the staff and they recognize you and say hello when you walk in.
One day, you observe that a bus boy is taking tips here and there off a few of the tables. He's pocketing them. It's busy, so it goes unnoticed by everyone but you. This happens on more than one day.
As an AA member, would you tell someone about it?
I know what I would do. The room was split on their opinions about what they would do. It became quite a discussion. I'm interested in what your thoughts are. Would you say something or not?
You're sitting in a restaurant. You are at this restaurant fairly often. You have come to be familiar with the owner and the staff and they recognize you and say hello when you walk in.
One day, you observe that a bus boy is taking tips here and there off a few of the tables. He's pocketing them. It's busy, so it goes unnoticed by everyone but you. This happens on more than one day.
As an AA member, would you tell someone about it?
I know what I would do. The room was split on their opinions about what they would do. It became quite a discussion. I'm interested in what your thoughts are. Would you say something or not?
This is a moral question, obviously. The story while important may be phrased in many different ways. The real question is should we as members of AA report all immoral behavior of others as we see fit? Should we police the world or should we judge other's immoral behavior and report what we find distasteful?
hmmmm - My gut response is I do not take other people's inventory. I would probably have pity on the busboy, walk up and hand him another 10 bucks. Sooner or later the busboy and management will address his issue. It's a God thing, for me.
I would be certain my tip went to the person who waited my table however. As I generally use credit cards for dining out, this should be straight forward.
Before going to sleep, I would pray for all and ask God why he wanted me to witness this behavior.
In fact, why did God want me to read this post??!! How am I that busboy? Am I doing the right things whether anyone see me or not.......Fly
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Originally Posted by Flynbuy
Perhaps the OP is addressing a life of rigorous honesty in some regards???
With regards the behaviour of others, the question is often just "why does it bother me?"
Honestly though, not my business. I might react to this situation in lots of different ways and each might seem to be appropriate at that point in time, in those circumstances.
A life of rigorous honesty, for me, is not about black and white, right or wrong.
Thats all I have today
P
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