Doing the next right thing
Laozi Old Man
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Doing the next right thing
I often here people in recovery talking about "Doing the next right thing", but how am I supposed to know what that "Thing" is?
Yesterday I got a statement from my Credit Card company and noticed that they charged me a huge late fee for making my last payment 1 day late. My first thought was that they were taking advantage of the law and gouging me for this tiny infraction of their terms. I was tempted to call them and threaten to cancel my account.
But then the thought immediately came into my head that I was dealing with them on their terms - not mine. My end of the deal included signing a contract, making a commitment to pay "On Time" and the late payment was my error not theirs. As much as my ego wanted to pay them back with animosity, my conscious wanted to pay them back with cash. In spite of my feelings, I immediately sent them an additional payment covering all of the late fees.
I now realize that "Doing the next right thing" includes meeting all of my obligations, keeping all of my promises and fulfilling all of my commitments 100% of the time. Not just most of the time. It occurred to me that if I expect to keep all of my promises to myself - I must keep all of my promises to others. I can no longer compartmentalize my own commitments from commitments to others. Clancy I. tells his sponcees "Do what you say you will do and be where you say you will be - every single time - no matter what."
The part of the 12th step that says "practice these principles in all our affairs" is taking about us be willing to make a commitment and then fulfilling that commitment 100% of the time. The "all" word is not there by accident. It is how we know how to "Do the next right thing".
Yesterday I got a statement from my Credit Card company and noticed that they charged me a huge late fee for making my last payment 1 day late. My first thought was that they were taking advantage of the law and gouging me for this tiny infraction of their terms. I was tempted to call them and threaten to cancel my account.
But then the thought immediately came into my head that I was dealing with them on their terms - not mine. My end of the deal included signing a contract, making a commitment to pay "On Time" and the late payment was my error not theirs. As much as my ego wanted to pay them back with animosity, my conscious wanted to pay them back with cash. In spite of my feelings, I immediately sent them an additional payment covering all of the late fees.
I now realize that "Doing the next right thing" includes meeting all of my obligations, keeping all of my promises and fulfilling all of my commitments 100% of the time. Not just most of the time. It occurred to me that if I expect to keep all of my promises to myself - I must keep all of my promises to others. I can no longer compartmentalize my own commitments from commitments to others. Clancy I. tells his sponcees "Do what you say you will do and be where you say you will be - every single time - no matter what."
The part of the 12th step that says "practice these principles in all our affairs" is taking about us be willing to make a commitment and then fulfilling that commitment 100% of the time. The "all" word is not there by accident. It is how we know how to "Do the next right thing".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Congrats on realizing this. Another member here helped me see this same thing with respect to my life insurance dilemmas. I am leaving the company I was with and getting a new policy disclosing that I am a recovered alcoholic even though I have never been medically diagnosed. To me it feels right, albeit much more expensive.
I find doing what is right is felt. I know what is right and what is wrong. I feel an emotional hang over when I knowingly do the wrong thing. I am not perfect and I am not 100%. But I am trying to work towards this mindset. I am certainly way better than I used to be.
I find doing what is right is felt. I know what is right and what is wrong. I feel an emotional hang over when I knowingly do the wrong thing. I am not perfect and I am not 100%. But I am trying to work towards this mindset. I am certainly way better than I used to be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Laconia
Posts: 813
The other aphorism I like that coincides with "Do the Next Right Thing" is:
"First Commitments First." This has and still is a very important principle
to live by for me. Many times I have had a commitment that I wanted to
break because a more favorable event arose but I realized that it is really
rude to forsake one person over another. Sometimes there can be exceptions
such as emergencies, but a general rule is to always keep your word. My uncle always
told me "Never write a check with your mouth that will bounce."
"First Commitments First." This has and still is a very important principle
to live by for me. Many times I have had a commitment that I wanted to
break because a more favorable event arose but I realized that it is really
rude to forsake one person over another. Sometimes there can be exceptions
such as emergencies, but a general rule is to always keep your word. My uncle always
told me "Never write a check with your mouth that will bounce."
Laozi Old Man
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by UncleMeat69 
The other aphorism I like that coincides with "Do the Next Right Thing" is:
"First Commitments First."
...Sometimes there can be exceptions
such as emergencies, but a general rule is to always keep your word.
"First Commitments First."
...Sometimes there can be exceptions
such as emergencies, but a general rule is to always keep your word.
FIFO = First In First Out.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i remember when i was 2 years or so sober, and i was a group leader at my local group, i had been playing around with online dating, and arranged to meet a lady so i had to book a train ticket to meet the said lady,
so i went to the ticket machine and i bought the ticket but it was for imeditate travel rather than travel the next day i had made a mistake and paid for the ticket and i was hopping mad at my mistake as it cost 30 uk pounds day return
so i rang up there office to see if i can cancel the ticket and get another one for the next days travel
sure they said we can do that for you but it will cost you 10 pounds admin fee
i was fuming so i went to the station and complained to the counter staff about there machine giving me a ticket for today's travel and that i had not made any mistake in the date selection etc
i lied and the station guy knew i was lieing as he questioned me i knew he didnt belive my lies so i got angry at him and was calling him all the names under the sun and he begged me to calm down he said its not a problem and he would refund me the money i paid out
i was pleased as i had lied and got away with not paying the admin fee
i went to my aa meeting where i was group leader and while sitting there the events started to replay in my mind, over and over it was playing with me shouting at that poor bloke as he didnt belive me lies
after about half an hour in the meeting i had to share with the room exactly what i had done
at the end of the meeting i went back to the station and made my apologys and confessed to the guy i had made the mistake and lied
the guy thanked me for my honesty and was surprised by it as its not done these days as people always seem to find a way to fiddle a bit here or there etc any way he didnt charge me the admin fee and i would of paid it if he had as i have to live the right way in my life today
thanks to aa i have learned how to spot when i am being dishonest to the point that i will know when i am doing wrong as my head will feel troubled then i have to see what it is i have done
this for me is a the peace i have in my life and how upset the peace gets in my life will tell me if its the right thing or not
so i went to the ticket machine and i bought the ticket but it was for imeditate travel rather than travel the next day i had made a mistake and paid for the ticket and i was hopping mad at my mistake as it cost 30 uk pounds day return
so i rang up there office to see if i can cancel the ticket and get another one for the next days travel
sure they said we can do that for you but it will cost you 10 pounds admin fee
i was fuming so i went to the station and complained to the counter staff about there machine giving me a ticket for today's travel and that i had not made any mistake in the date selection etc
i lied and the station guy knew i was lieing as he questioned me i knew he didnt belive my lies so i got angry at him and was calling him all the names under the sun and he begged me to calm down he said its not a problem and he would refund me the money i paid out
i was pleased as i had lied and got away with not paying the admin fee
i went to my aa meeting where i was group leader and while sitting there the events started to replay in my mind, over and over it was playing with me shouting at that poor bloke as he didnt belive me lies
after about half an hour in the meeting i had to share with the room exactly what i had done
at the end of the meeting i went back to the station and made my apologys and confessed to the guy i had made the mistake and lied
the guy thanked me for my honesty and was surprised by it as its not done these days as people always seem to find a way to fiddle a bit here or there etc any way he didnt charge me the admin fee and i would of paid it if he had as i have to live the right way in my life today
thanks to aa i have learned how to spot when i am being dishonest to the point that i will know when i am doing wrong as my head will feel troubled then i have to see what it is i have done
this for me is a the peace i have in my life and how upset the peace gets in my life will tell me if its the right thing or not
Laozi Old Man
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by desypete
the guy thanked me for my honesty and was surprised by it as its not done these days as people always seem to find a way to fiddle a bit here or there etc...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Unfortunately we never know whether the "next right thing" is the right thing until we make a decision and do something. Sometimes what seemed to be the "right thing" turns out to be the wrong thing.
In this case, I would have called the credit card company, and brought into point my past payment record(assuming it's been a good record)and argued that one day late isn't sufficient for a penalty. I've done this and the company relented and scrubbed the late charge. If I've made an honest mistake, which happens more than I'd like to admit, it's worth at least a discussion. If their decision is not to scrub the penalty, at least I've tried to "change the things I can".
In this case, I would have called the credit card company, and brought into point my past payment record(assuming it's been a good record)and argued that one day late isn't sufficient for a penalty. I've done this and the company relented and scrubbed the late charge. If I've made an honest mistake, which happens more than I'd like to admit, it's worth at least a discussion. If their decision is not to scrub the penalty, at least I've tried to "change the things I can".
Laozi Old Man
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Music
In this case, I would have called the credit card company, and brought into point my past payment record(assuming it's been a good record)and argued that one day late isn't sufficient for a penalty. I've done this and the company relented and scrubbed the late charge.
I now realize that it is my tendency to procrastinate and/or micro-manage my bank account that gets me into trouble. I should be smart enough to realize that the mail occasionally gets delayed and adjust my payments accordingly.
If I continue to "fiddle a bit" as DesyPete described, I am in effect placing personality (my personality) before principles. The principle is the big\long-term commitment in this case.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
As a newcomer I never heard this saying, but it was the first thing that entered my head on how I was going to live my new life. I felt one of the reasons I felt so bad about my past behaviour was that I knew the difference between right and wrong.
So I set out to play god and remove all my defects of character myself, and set my life on what I thought was the right path. It turns out that was wrong as well. I really had no idea what the next right thing was.
I still had an alcoholic mind and my behaviour, which I mistakenly thought was focused on the next right thing, was actually deeply rooted in instinct and selfishness. I learned this the hard way.
To get to the point Boleo raises, I had first to take certain steps, one benefit of which was I learned that I was my own worst enemy. Another was a spiritual awakening through which I found my behaviours changed. With practice I developed a spiritual life and experienced some kind of intuitive guidance as to what the next right thing might be. When I tried to follow Gods will, I seemed to get it right a lot of the time.
It was a few years before I could get a credit card, but in that time I found that I was behaving differently and it wasn't a cognitive thing like chose right or wrong, it was natural, unforced, intuitive. I like to keep my word, I hate being late, I enjoy helping others, this is how I feel these days.
Until I took the steps the idea that I would even know what the next right thing was, other than take the next step, was just not realistic.
So I set out to play god and remove all my defects of character myself, and set my life on what I thought was the right path. It turns out that was wrong as well. I really had no idea what the next right thing was.
I still had an alcoholic mind and my behaviour, which I mistakenly thought was focused on the next right thing, was actually deeply rooted in instinct and selfishness. I learned this the hard way.
To get to the point Boleo raises, I had first to take certain steps, one benefit of which was I learned that I was my own worst enemy. Another was a spiritual awakening through which I found my behaviours changed. With practice I developed a spiritual life and experienced some kind of intuitive guidance as to what the next right thing might be. When I tried to follow Gods will, I seemed to get it right a lot of the time.
It was a few years before I could get a credit card, but in that time I found that I was behaving differently and it wasn't a cognitive thing like chose right or wrong, it was natural, unforced, intuitive. I like to keep my word, I hate being late, I enjoy helping others, this is how I feel these days.
Until I took the steps the idea that I would even know what the next right thing was, other than take the next step, was just not realistic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Exactly the same thing happened to me last week after I went a couple of dollars over the limit. I got an over draft fee. I called them explained what happened and made a commitment to be more mindful of where my account is and they reimbursed the late fee.
They explained that no one pushes the button it just happens automatically. I could've ranted and made threats but I decided to follow principles and be honest and polite and I got rewarded.
Same thing with the telecom. After months of frustratingly slow wifi I was tempted to ring up the company and abuse them and cancel my account and get some other provider. I called them up and calmly explained the situation and said that I felt my money deserves better service that I wanted to remain a faithful customer but expected more, they agreed and have sent a new router and will get me a new desk on my service. Rewarded again.
Commitment to our principles is a wonderful thing.
They explained that no one pushes the button it just happens automatically. I could've ranted and made threats but I decided to follow principles and be honest and polite and I got rewarded.
Same thing with the telecom. After months of frustratingly slow wifi I was tempted to ring up the company and abuse them and cancel my account and get some other provider. I called them up and calmly explained the situation and said that I felt my money deserves better service that I wanted to remain a faithful customer but expected more, they agreed and have sent a new router and will get me a new desk on my service. Rewarded again.
Commitment to our principles is a wonderful thing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Originally Posted by Boleo
Honesty is a big/long-term commitment, is it not?
Safety: Safety must come first. Brothers keeper
Integrity: Always doing the right thing, even when no one is watching
Respect: Treat others as you would expect to be treated
Agility: Be adaptable and accept change
Courage: Stand up to your values despite what others may say. Be free of fear and full of confidence.
As an alcoholic I don't exactly have bags of integrity to speak about. Today I find that integrity is vitally important to my sobriety and serenity. To demonstrate an example, on this site we have cardinal rules around safety, one of which is not to work on any electrical equipment unless authorised. Yesterday I went into an office and noticed the power to some of the outlets was off so I went to the fuse box and noticed that one of the safety switches had tripped, so without thinking (as I would do this at home), I flicked the switch to prove the fault. The power came back on and I then realised I'd committed a cardinal rule breach.
Now I could have walked away and pretended that nothing happened, except that little voice reminded me of integrity. I have to draw a line. I went to find the electrical supervisor and told him what had happened knowing full well he could report me and I could lose my job because as a supervisor myself I'm expected to uphold the cardinal rules and be an example of safety. He listened intently and told me to hold out my hand and he gave it a smack and said "don't do it again". I'm still worried that he will report it but have left whatever happens to my Higher Power. If he does he does report me, the jobs have dried up here and I'll be financially ruined but I learned my lesson and stuck to my spiritual principles.
I don't do Step 10 everyday but what an important one it is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
If I'm sincerely turning my life and will of to my HP, then I believe the next right thing is something that comes intuitively... and something I do more often than not, over time. Doesn't mean I'm not going to NOT at times do the next right thing, and it doesn't mean if fail at it that I'm not working my program, or off of my spiritual path. It means I'm human, will make mistakes, and so long as my life and will are in HPs hands I will learn and grow from the experience, so long as I'm able to be honest with myself. And work the other steps.
In cases where the next right thing ISN'T as intuitive as I'd like it to be, I always run whatever it is that's going on by someone else. Usually my wife first, then a friend, and at times here or another forum I belong to.
In the situation you mention, I've done as Music stated. Called the bank, and it wasn't an issue. Happened to me more than once also, and they were actually very kind and forgiving about it, being only a day or 2 late. I think acceptance and owning up to things are both incredibly important, but I'm not going to unnecessarily pay out money to a bank if I don't need to. I'd rather give that money to charity if I felt I needed to make amends or punish myself for some reason. If I called the bank and they said, "Too bad, you have to pay", that would be a different story. The idea behind the serenity prayer comes very much into play for me here.
But that would be the next right thing for me. Not you. That's why I always like to stick to my experience, and allow others to have theirs.
In cases where the next right thing ISN'T as intuitive as I'd like it to be, I always run whatever it is that's going on by someone else. Usually my wife first, then a friend, and at times here or another forum I belong to.
In the situation you mention, I've done as Music stated. Called the bank, and it wasn't an issue. Happened to me more than once also, and they were actually very kind and forgiving about it, being only a day or 2 late. I think acceptance and owning up to things are both incredibly important, but I'm not going to unnecessarily pay out money to a bank if I don't need to. I'd rather give that money to charity if I felt I needed to make amends or punish myself for some reason. If I called the bank and they said, "Too bad, you have to pay", that would be a different story. The idea behind the serenity prayer comes very much into play for me here.
But that would be the next right thing for me. Not you. That's why I always like to stick to my experience, and allow others to have theirs.
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