Social Awkwardness and AA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 167
Social Awkwardness and AA
Any other folks feel socially anxious while attending AA meetings? While I enjoy and appreciate listening to others share their stories I feel panicked when people try to talk with me before/after meetings. My mind went completely blank yesterday when it was my turn to share. Usually I introduce myself and pass but I completely blanked this time.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
I think many folks feel social anxiety around AA meetings. Overcoming it is one reason to keep going to meetings. Just realize that you are not alone--why not share your concerns in a meeting?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
All of us.
We miss 1/2 of the meeting thinking of something to say that has not been said and makes sense and we spend another 1/4 of the meeting wishing we had said something different.
Different strategies are employed over the years, sitting where we can speak last so we can sound as coherent as possible, but then we wind up changing what we are going to say with every share. Then we speak first hoping to get the "share regret" out of the way soon enough to actually get something out of the meeting.
It all works out in the end. As an old timer I can just ramble on incoherently and people think I am so deep and insightful that they are the just not enlightened enough to "get" me.
We miss 1/2 of the meeting thinking of something to say that has not been said and makes sense and we spend another 1/4 of the meeting wishing we had said something different.
Different strategies are employed over the years, sitting where we can speak last so we can sound as coherent as possible, but then we wind up changing what we are going to say with every share. Then we speak first hoping to get the "share regret" out of the way soon enough to actually get something out of the meeting.
It all works out in the end. As an old timer I can just ramble on incoherently and people think I am so deep and insightful that they are the just not enlightened enough to "get" me.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i felt like it many years ago until one rude member told me who the hell do i think i am !!!!
i wasnt that important to anyone they told me as there to busy being there for there own problem
the flaming cheek of it i thought and i wouldnt go to any meetings were that loud mouth was present how dare he say to me that i wasnt important doesnt he know who i am : )
it took me a long while before i recognized how i reacted to things and for me to understand just how self centered i was in all things
but the one thing i did do is i kept on coming back despite that rude aa memeber and slowly after time i did start to speak up and then i started to feel a part of things in aa then i forgot about how i once felt being new around aa and just got used to it
same as riding a bike at first i would fall off and slowly i would learn how to ride the dam thing : )
so keep on coming back and see what happens
i wasnt that important to anyone they told me as there to busy being there for there own problem
the flaming cheek of it i thought and i wouldnt go to any meetings were that loud mouth was present how dare he say to me that i wasnt important doesnt he know who i am : )
it took me a long while before i recognized how i reacted to things and for me to understand just how self centered i was in all things
but the one thing i did do is i kept on coming back despite that rude aa memeber and slowly after time i did start to speak up and then i started to feel a part of things in aa then i forgot about how i once felt being new around aa and just got used to it
same as riding a bike at first i would fall off and slowly i would learn how to ride the dam thing : )
so keep on coming back and see what happens
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Ha! It used to kill me, watching a new guy come in..
within days he was smiling and laughing and glad-handing everyone around the room..
that's not me I thought and it still isn't.
We drank different, we recover different. Some folks were propped at the bar, entertaining everyone. Some folks were stuck at home afraid to go out. The common thread is this little thing called Alcoholism...many similarities but the spots look a little different in each case. Our own personal difficulties are the things we have to face as we 'rediscover life'
P
within days he was smiling and laughing and glad-handing everyone around the room..
that's not me I thought and it still isn't.
We drank different, we recover different. Some folks were propped at the bar, entertaining everyone. Some folks were stuck at home afraid to go out. The common thread is this little thing called Alcoholism...many similarities but the spots look a little different in each case. Our own personal difficulties are the things we have to face as we 'rediscover life'
P
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by desertsweetpea 
Any other folks feel socially anxious while attending AA meetings? While I enjoy and appreciate listening to others share their stories I feel panicked when people try to talk with me before/after meetings. My mind went completely blank yesterday when it was my turn to share. Usually I introduce myself and pass but I completely blanked this time.
Oh yes! Very common - I am assuming your fairly new to AA. Me too relatively, little under 4 months.
All the weird things read, signs on walls - steps, serenity prayers, people saying things I didn't understand - YES, that's me too!
You might check out an AA speaker on youtube - just search for Earl Hightower. Well known AA guy - great message, with a lot of humor. He talks about this early time in AA from a point of humor. I listened to it and it made me feel I am not alone.
Take your time, engage at your own tempo. All have been where you are - it takes awhile for sure.
Just do two things for now - that's it.
Don't drink and KEEP COMING BACK!Look for similarities in stories - most newcomers, me - looked for the differences. Wow, that guys really screwed up ......that's not me, maybe I am in the wrong place.....funny to think that now. Yea, I was just driving down the street with nothing to do and thought - hey, maybe I'll pop into an AA meeting! I discovered in a sort period of time I was around the same people who are me......
Stay the course......It hurts, then it works!!!
Kind regards,
flynbuy
Friend of Jimmy B
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 667
It gets better if you don't give up. Remember that none of us came in to AA on a winning streak.
The first time I went on a speaking commitment with my group I got up and said "I'm Allan I'm an alcoholic" then promptly freaked out and sat down. After the meeting, everyone came over to shake my hand and offer a kind word. I thought they were all nuts but that night they taught me a lesson that took many years for me to truly understand.
-allan
The first time I went on a speaking commitment with my group I got up and said "I'm Allan I'm an alcoholic" then promptly freaked out and sat down. After the meeting, everyone came over to shake my hand and offer a kind word. I thought they were all nuts but that night they taught me a lesson that took many years for me to truly understand.
-allan
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
social anxiety is a lot better than getting drunk and puking or wetting your pants.
I just kept quite and listened for about a year.
Hay badcompany
a friend and myself was getting honest with each other several months ago.He said he liked to wait until near the end of the meeting to share and all the while he was "working up a good share" just to sound good....lol
I said I used to wait untill then and try to "outshare" the others....we laughed at ourselves for being so self centered....and how we just keep quite today and still love to listen
I just kept quite and listened for about a year.
Hay badcompany
a friend and myself was getting honest with each other several months ago.He said he liked to wait until near the end of the meeting to share and all the while he was "working up a good share" just to sound good....lol
I said I used to wait untill then and try to "outshare" the others....we laughed at ourselves for being so self centered....and how we just keep quite today and still love to listen
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: London, Uk
Posts: 1,694
Hey. Thanks for this post. I feel the same, it's getting a little easier. 6 weeks in.
I try and share how alcohol has made me a nervous wreck and that I used to drink on it and that sharing is tough. Several times an old timer has then shared afterwards about their first year of nerves in AA - one of those special shares that makes me feel it's just for me (even if it's not, I will take it, there goes the ego!)
Try and look up and take in the nodding heads when you are talking and the silent agreement/identification. Even if I think I am talking total bull and my head is trying to trip me up 'what the heck do I have to add', I then think just maybe it's helping someone hear from a newcomer. That helps too.
By sharing on my nerves this helps me chat a little after the meeting, even though I am still terrible on eye contact during chats.
It will come.
I try and share how alcohol has made me a nervous wreck and that I used to drink on it and that sharing is tough. Several times an old timer has then shared afterwards about their first year of nerves in AA - one of those special shares that makes me feel it's just for me (even if it's not, I will take it, there goes the ego!)
Try and look up and take in the nodding heads when you are talking and the silent agreement/identification. Even if I think I am talking total bull and my head is trying to trip me up 'what the heck do I have to add', I then think just maybe it's helping someone hear from a newcomer. That helps too.
By sharing on my nerves this helps me chat a little after the meeting, even though I am still terrible on eye contact during chats.
It will come.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
When I used to hear people say that everyone feels that way at AA meetings, it made me feel worse. Everyone doesn't feel that way. I know lots and lots of people who have no problem whatsoever falling in with the crowd, making friends, speaking freely for 10 minutes when it's their turn to share, etc.
I felt as you did. And 30 years into sobriety still do at times. The good news is that it's gotten lots better. I think it's important to sit with the fear, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I knew if I ran from it, as I did from my panic attacks, it was only going to get much worse. I hated AA meetings for a long time, but I listened when they said I should go to meetings until I WANTED to go to meetings.
First time a group forced me to qualify (tell my story), on my 90th day, I froze about 3 minutes into it and couldn't go on. They were very kind about it. Lots of times in the first 6 months when it was going around the room I'd have something I really want to say, and what came out made no sense whatsoever. I remember having to swallow in the middle of words... went through all kinds of unpleasant stuff, that nobody else (as far as I could see) seemed to be going through. Well, a few people would sit and never share (which was an option I chose also at times), but I was determined to not let fear rule my life any longer.
There are things that definitely helped me with this. Prayer was a really big one. I still pray sometimes before I share when it's going around the room. I always pray before I qualify. Taking commitments was HUGE in helping me get out of my own head. And going to meetings with a friend always made/makes it easier. When I qualify I still always start my talk by stating that I'm nervous, and that by stating that it somehow makes me a little less nervous. Did I mention coffee is a BIG no no. I always find it amusing when people say they're nervous or anxious, while holding a cup of coffee.
I could go on for a while about this... but have things I need to do today. You might want to do a little research on introverts and extroverts. A lot of people really don't do all that well in crowds, and beat ourselves up over it. There are qualities however we have, that those extroverts DON'T generally have, but we don't honor them. We think it's great to be an extrovert, bad to be an introvert, and that's simply not true. There are tradeoffs for each, and once we stop judging ourselves it gets a lot easier. As I said in the beginning, it definitely gets much MUCH better, but if you're anything like me, it'll probably hang in there to some degree for the rest of time. I think it's just a part of who we are. A part we need to learn to honor.
I felt as you did. And 30 years into sobriety still do at times. The good news is that it's gotten lots better. I think it's important to sit with the fear, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I knew if I ran from it, as I did from my panic attacks, it was only going to get much worse. I hated AA meetings for a long time, but I listened when they said I should go to meetings until I WANTED to go to meetings.
First time a group forced me to qualify (tell my story), on my 90th day, I froze about 3 minutes into it and couldn't go on. They were very kind about it. Lots of times in the first 6 months when it was going around the room I'd have something I really want to say, and what came out made no sense whatsoever. I remember having to swallow in the middle of words... went through all kinds of unpleasant stuff, that nobody else (as far as I could see) seemed to be going through. Well, a few people would sit and never share (which was an option I chose also at times), but I was determined to not let fear rule my life any longer.
There are things that definitely helped me with this. Prayer was a really big one. I still pray sometimes before I share when it's going around the room. I always pray before I qualify. Taking commitments was HUGE in helping me get out of my own head. And going to meetings with a friend always made/makes it easier. When I qualify I still always start my talk by stating that I'm nervous, and that by stating that it somehow makes me a little less nervous. Did I mention coffee is a BIG no no. I always find it amusing when people say they're nervous or anxious, while holding a cup of coffee.
I could go on for a while about this... but have things I need to do today. You might want to do a little research on introverts and extroverts. A lot of people really don't do all that well in crowds, and beat ourselves up over it. There are qualities however we have, that those extroverts DON'T generally have, but we don't honor them. We think it's great to be an extrovert, bad to be an introvert, and that's simply not true. There are tradeoffs for each, and once we stop judging ourselves it gets a lot easier
. As I said in the beginning, it definitely gets much MUCH better, but if you're anything like me, it'll probably hang in there to some degree for the rest of time. I think it's just a part of who we are. A part we need to learn to honor.
Don't Blink
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 342
oh my gosh yes. I reached out to a nice lady yesterday after the meeting, she talked to me for about 20 min about anything just so I wouldn't drive to the liquor store. It was tempting... so very tempting but... anyway. I made it home and met her again today at another meeting and she introduced me to two other women and I just stood there wide eyed, rambling when I did open my mouth to speak, I'm just bad with people. Especially after hyping myself up on several cups of coffee. My anxiety was through the ROOF today. Anyway.. I feel a little more comfortable every time I go.. so maybe one day I'll be one of smiling people who know exactly how to articulate their thoughts.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Been going almost two years and I still feel awkward, very big part of why I drank. I just keep going and try to listen and relate. If someone says something that resonates with me, I go against every grain of my being and tell them that. And I always say hi to newcomers.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
For the first few weeks I was frightened of going to meetings, but always glad I had been, if that makes any sense.
I didn't speak for a long time, just sat at the back and looked at the floor. I couldn't string a sentence together.
The most disconcerting thing was before and after the meetings, people would come up and ask me a really difficult questions, like "how are you feeling?" How the heck would I know? I wouldn't have known a honest feeling if I fell over it.
I didn't speak for a long time, just sat at the back and looked at the floor. I couldn't string a sentence together.
The most disconcerting thing was before and after the meetings, people would come up and ask me a really difficult questions, like "how are you feeling?" How the heck would I know? I wouldn't have known a honest feeling if I fell over it.
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