Fly N Buy

Good comments and questions.

I didn't read every post - kinda tough on mobile. So, I may be repeating some things.

Sponsors were stated in Ohio as a tool to mentor. This was a great success and others including NY followed suite.

Part of the program that is foundational in long term sobriety is working with others.

Working steps with a qualified/experienced sponsor passes on how it works IMO.

Everything is suggested - but, this is how we recovered is a pretty bold emphatic statement.

Peace

dsmaxis10

It doesn't say sponsor in the first 164 of the bb but it does say exproblem drinker. Teaming up with an exproblem drinker to show you how to achieve sobriety works for thousands of people.

nandm

I have had very poor luck with sponsors. My first sponsor wanted to have me do a step a year when after reading the book my understanding was that the Steps were what helped relieve us of our obsession to drink and teach us how to live life without having to drink at our problems so I felt that I needed to do the Steps promptly. Needless to say that sponsor and I did not last long, less than a year, and I did my 5th Step with someone other than her. My second sponsor and I just did not click. She had unresolved issues with the fact that I am in a relationship with a woman but tried to sponsor me anyway without being up front with that. That sponsorship ended after about a year. My third sponsor wound up moving away after less than 2 years.

Since I have already learned how to apply the Steps to my daily life and I have a strong support group I no longer have an official sponsor although I do have a friend who fills that role in an unofficial capacity. She has 42 years of sobriety, is the person I did my first 5th Step with, has a deep spirituality, is honest with me, tells me when she feels I am headed in a negative direction, and has many qualities I respect and admire so she would be someone I would choose for a sponsor if I wanted to replace our friendship with that type of relationship.

So I have not had an official sponsor for 7 of the last 13 years of my sobriety but have always had someone to help guide me in this program even though it has been in an unofficial sponsor capacity. I do believe it is essential to seek out people in this program who radiate the qualities that we seek and whether we officially call them sponsors or not we should seek their guidance. Like others have said it takes someone who knows about how this program works to teach us how it works.

dSober

Actually, it's impossible:

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

It's not just a technicality, in my experience, it's critical. That other person doesn't have to be your sponsor and God, of course, is however you understand Him. When choosing a sponsor however, choose wisely and re-choose if you're not getting the results you need.

dsmaxis10

I say getting a sponsor a good idea exspecially if your new on the spiritual path. When the student ready the teacher will appear Im not buddhist but it seems to be true. But what if you get a crappy sponsor theres something about following directions willingness that those people stay sober were someone that went to hazeldon doesn't stay sober willingness is something I had but lost until I regain my willingness I'll keep relapsing. Am I gonna get a sponsor no I'm not I had four years made all my amends financial took the longest but once I became willing to make the amends three years later I found a way. I know the bb an 12n12 cuz I had an AA nazi teach me them someone in AA when I had a year told me to fire my sponsor I out grew him he would tell me that everytime I saw him he was right so I fired him the same person said your gonna relapse if your not of service to others and he was right I relapsed. Same person said 1-9 won't do anything for me I got a sponsor went threw 1-9 nine and relapsed he was right again. What Im saying is you can't have a selfish program and stay sober forever long you have left in life me I learned the hard way so I need to pray for willingness to be of service to others in some way thats were im at.

dSober

You were just of service to me maxis.

Gottalife

My sponsor was just like that, and I doubt I would have survived without him. The other thing he did was make sure I never became dependent upon him, instead always directing me to my Higher power for solutions to life's problems. He wasn't totally reliable, as it turns out. He died. I then saw the wisdom in what he had taught me.

"Still you may say: "But I will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book." We cannot be sure. God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon Him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave."

To me the book is about how to achieve permanent sobriety. Certainly it offers hope to the newcomer and explains the steps needed to recover, and a sponsor will certainly help with that. But its main emphasis is always on helping others. No human power could relieve our alcoholism, so it does not make sense to rely on a human sponsor to keep us sober.

The message seems to be that God will keep us sober if we get and stay in fit spiritual condition, and we do that by taking the steps and helping others. It seems to be much more important to be sponsoring rather than be sponsored, though being sponsored, at least intially, seems to be an effective way of learning how to sponsor.

dSober

I know my current sponsor, my step-sponsor, will agree with everything you just said Gotta. He told me from the get go that I also need a life-sponsor. I knew it too as he is remote and we've never met, and may never meet, face-to-face. He sponsors me here, by email and over the phone. He also told me he would get more out of sponsoring me than I would out of he sponsoring me; he's encouraged me to sponsor others. I can't find fault with anything he's told me. I feel great today and want to keep the ball rolling.

courage2

Me too! I've spent about 11 months and 1 relapse fussing, among other things, about whether I wanted a "sponsor" and whether I wanted to "work the steps." I insisted on quitting the steps, breaking up with my sponsor, and referring to her only as my former sponsor -- all the time (or most of it) continuing to call her every day and listening to her suggestions. What insanity!

I could just as easily have not had all that drama and accepted that I'm slowly working through the steps to the best of my ability, and that I have someone in my life who is also an alcoholic with longterm sobriety and helps me.

But no, I had to be all complicated. And unwilling. And not accepting.

You don't have to have a sponsor. But I think you have to have another alcoholic to confide in. You can call that person whatever you want -- my friend and I agreed today that in public we'll go back to calling each other sponsor & sponsee, because it legitimates the relationship in AA eyes. But privately, we're friends.

1drinktohell

Your sponsor is very straight forward and effective to have you rely on God and not him. It does a huge disservice for both the sponsee and the sponsor when they call each other all the time and rely on human aid for every little decision. The sponsor is wasting valuable time he/she could be spending with another sponsee. and the sponsee is not having total reliance on god.

I can't rely on my sponsor, my homegroup, or the fellowship as a whole for my sobriety. It's not healthy, and it causes a lot of disappointment/resentment/ and fears. GOd will never let me down. I talked to old timers, my sponsor, and other aa members for advice and at the end of the day they give some bad advice and some good advice, but they're all human. That's my experience.

jason2

No. You do not have to get a sponsor.

Caldus

That's interesting. I feel like that's what I have always been told ... that I need a sponsor, a home group, and be very active in the fellowship in order to stay sober. Would you say that having a home group is absolutely required (I guess maybe this is a separate topic for another thread though)?

Ryno03272009

The key point the Big Book and AA makes is that we alcoholics cannot do it by ourselves. We need a higher power to guide us (or at least a understanding that we cannot control everything) and someone who has worked the program before us (currently successfully and maybe at one time unsuccessfully) to help keep us moving forward.

Its nice to have a person we can look to and get advice from (a friend) that can truthfully understand what were going through because theyve been there and/or know others that have been in our situation.

Personally, i did not get a "sponsor" but i did all of the above. In doing so, i realized I gad unintentionally worked the steps the first time around and began to become a better person.

I have know many people who have attended AA for 20+ years and never had a "sponsor" but what they did have is many close (nonsexual) relationships with people in AA and that seems to work just fine.

1drinktohell

Let me clarify what I meant. I currently have a home group a sponsor and do service to stay sober. Those things are important, but the most important thing to me is relying on my hp. I put my hp first. I only can spend 1-2 hours in a meeting. and talk to my sponsor for a lil bit. the rest of the time i'm relying on my higher power.

hope that made more sense.

Gottalife

In the end I guess it depends on whether a person is beyond human aid or not. If not, then all of those practices might enable someone to stay sober and it does appear that some folk can do it that way.

But for someone like me, who was beyond human aid, the book suggests those practices, especially the steps, are a means to get me connected to my Higher Power, who will solve my problem. And while I stay connected at least partly through those practices, my problem has stayed solved.

My sponsor, realising that he had not the power to solve my problem, used the steps to get me to God as quickly as possible. In so doing he saved my life.

Please note I am not religious, I use the word God because I can't think of a better one.

On the subject of a home group, this has been very important to me and remains so. It is where I vote, serve, and belong. In AA in my country we have many who are visitors to all groups and members of none. They don't seem to stay long term, they don't seem to benefit from staying on the fringe.

dSober

Here, on the other side of the world Gotta (still not sure which of us is upside down, probably both, lol) I found much the same thing. I was beyond human aid... powerless. I knew it pretty quick. I tried to stop drinking but couldn't. Meetings and sponsors didn't help me much... at first. I didn't want it bad enough... yet. But on and off, I kept coming back.

When I finally did want it bad enough, I sought God to save my life. When I finally did that, I found Him. I had what the BB calls a spiritual awakening and that saved me. I also see "God" as a word. To me, He is a concept, not an entity. I use to shy away from the word God, now I don't. I don't care what He's called, for me He just is. He's infinite (timeless, huge, powerful and loving) and defines my conscience; He tells me what to do when I ask and I do this daily.

To me, this is what the BB teaches. Home groups, sponsors, meetings provide ways of getting there, and staying there. Since I want, and need, to stay there, I'm going to take advantage of them to the extent God tells me, ongoing, that I need them to help Him and me. Helping others, as best I can, is an essential part of that.

dSober

Seems to depend on how you see (understand) God.

Grungehead

• I rely on my Higher Power to keep me sober.

• The steps connected me with my Higher Power.

• My sponsor taught me how to take the steps.

I don't rely on my sponsor, my home group or the fellowship to keep me sober, but they have all been instrumental in guiding me towards my Higher Power, who does.

whalebelow

You don't need a sponsor to take most of the steps, it's thoughts, prayers and an inventory... It's all in the book and it's clear enough on what to be convinced of, prayers to say and how to write the inventory.
You'll need someone to hear your fifth step, but that can be a non aa.

The 9th step is wise to seek guidance... It's the most difficult step in my opinion and you need to get good advice to avoid hurting others.

NYCDoglvr

I haven't had a sponsor in a year and I feel the difference. While in my 23rd year I still have enormous self will and need someone to be accountable to and point out the times I'm deluding myself. Finally raised my hand in a meeting to say I want a sponsor and hopefully the universe heard me, the right person will appear.