Clutch B

I'm not talking about forgiving the guy who cut you off in traffic, or the rude lady at the store who skipped in line ahead of you.

But when someone close to you wounds you to the core of your being, and you experience what feels like complete emotional devastation ... How do you forgive them?

I'm trying really hard to forgive someone. And over and over again, I decide "I forgive them! It's okay!", even though I'm still really hurting over it. But the pain never goes away. It still hurts. I still feel destroyed. I'm trying to rebuild myself. But inevitably, the pain gets bad enough that I start feeling angry and resentful toward them again.

I'm stuck in a cycle of hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive.

Do you ever reach a point where you can just forgive someone permanently and be done with it? Does the pain ever stop?

muvinon

I make a decision and am willing. But that doesn't mean the feelings have healed.

I personally have found that focusing on the present and making sure my life is as satisfying , productive, and as joyful as I can works the best. Close, close contact with God through every means available to me is essential. I have to nip the obsessive thinking about the hurt and frequently have to pray and move into service action or any other type of action, really. Scrubbing floors is sometimes all that's available! Whatever action is there, I take it.

Once I'm content, then I'm clearly done with giving safe harbor to deep resentments and all the other crappy feelings that surround a big hurt.

Then I'm at acceptance and know I've moved on. It's OK then for me to reflect a little, see what I can learn from the situation, and say......ty God for all that you have given me, all that you have taken from me and all that you have in store.

It's a process. But it does start with willingness. Taking care of myself by being of service might sound counter-intuitive, but it works the fastest for me.

Oh, I forgot. Yes, the pain heals! I was shattered by my own divorce. Saw my ex just a few months ago and was delighted to see him looking great and happy with his new wife. Then I got to be delighted that I was delighted! Yes, yes......it heals and there comes a time when you actually see the evidence.

Sugah

When it comes to isolated situations or regrettable mistakes, I can forgive. To me, that means letting go. In the same thing/different day situations, I can also let go, but the Big Book tells us we often put ourselves in situations and later suffer for it. If I'm living out Groundhog Day, it's usually because I'm not just forgiving, I'm expecting the other person to change and not do whatever it is that hurts me again.

Insanity: doing the same thing expecting different results. Wash, rinse, repeat. It's me that needs to change.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

desypete

it took me a long time to come to terms with the hurt my ex wife gave me, her being with another guy when i tried so desperatly to get her into aa and that we both could go back to court to get our kids back from care as sober people again was my motive behind it all, but she choose to carry on drinking and dump me for another drunk that would keep her in the drink

24 years marriage gone and i was only 5 months sober at that time never did i believe i would ever see my kids again not without her being part of the deal as the socail workers hated me and focused on me in all there attacks over the drunken episodes

just 12 months in and 2 of my older kids came to live with me in my small flat as i was sober now and working
the social workers had a change of heart and gave me a chance at being a single parent dad and i got all my kids back with there trust of me

but i still hurt over there mum as she should of been there with us just like it used to be in sober years

sadly she is still out there drinking she had lost all the kids as they dont want to be around her anymore and she hates me for it with a passion

i have grown to feel sad for her as i know in my heart what she is losing and what she has to live with
i am not bothered at all these days with her dumping me and doing what she did i have let all that go and just moved forward with my own life

i guess for me it was time and a long time that was needed for the sharp pain to die down and then i had to look at how bad i had been to her and i was no model husband at all

not long ago i had to give her a lot of money 8 years on after a devorce all because an aunty left me a legacy in her will were she hadnt changed the will so it was for me and my ex wife
i went and seen her over it and her man was present and i dealt with it in a good way not once did i feel like having a fight over it all were as years ago a baseball bat would of been my way of sorting things out

or i would of fought it tooth and nail trying to make sure she never got a penny out of me for what she did etc

its just not worth all that emotional pain to me and its far easier and wiser to let things just happen and go along with it

again its taken me a lot of time of doing things wrong and feeling the pain of it for me to learn to just try to not do it that way anymore and it works
hence i do it more and more in my life as i know it really does work

time is the key and keep around good sobriety in aa the pain will die down i would go to meetings and share my pain over the table at meetings as i would find a release from it for a short while so i would do it again and again until it would finaly go or become less painful for me.

so keep ploding on my friend and give time time : )

Tommyh

resentment is the culprit with fear behind it.Really lack of Power is the problem.We need to find that power by which we can live by...
Use the 4th step inventory process and if that don`t work go to page 552 and use that remedy for it.

do it untill it works
thats what my step sponsor has me do

Big Book on Resentments... Page 552, 4th Edition


"'If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.'

Johno1967

Hi Clutch, I found that the pain goes away when I forgive unconditionally and let it go completely. I forgive and forget.
Say a prayer of forgiveness for the person who has wronged you. Say it like you mean it every time they pop up in your mind until they no longer do and you no longer feel anger towards them.

GracieLou

Forgiveness is for you and it doesn't mean that what they did never happened.

Forgetting and forgiveness are two different things. It is tearing you up, not the other person.

I wanted the other person to feel bad. I wanted them to hurt as bad as I did. I wanted them to apologize.

When I stopped wanting and started accepting, it got easier. I can't change what they did or did not do. Even if they walked up to my face and said they were sorry, I probably would not have believed them and given them another piece of my mind. I wanted them to suffer. I wanted them to feel my pain.

They can't feel my pain. It is mine and while I have a right to feel what I feel, I can't change what they did so I had to let it go. Resentment, hate and anger were eating me alive. I had to get it out.

In AA I wrote out my resentments, saw my part in them and then let them go. In some cases my part was hanging on to the resentment. In other cases, even if I played no part in the wrong done to me, I did let it control my actions over the years.

It is hard to let go. I felt at times if I let go, I would have to let go of the person that did the wrong and I think that is the point. I cannot control others actions or thoughts. I am also not responsible for their actions or thoughts. I can only control me.

SoulSister

In order to forgive stop thinking of yourself and imagined harm. No one has the power to hurt us really. It is just our reaction based on false beliefs about how things should be.

jdooner

This is what my sponsor taught me about a major resentment

Clutch B

Thanks so much to everyone who shared. Tommyh, thanks for sharing the Big Book reference. I've read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, but haven't read many of the stories at the end. So today, I read that whole story, and I realized I'm trying to do what she did. Lately I've been thinking I could be a "lone wolf". Keep everyone away so they can't hurt me anymore.

But I know this won't work for me. I've had a lot of experience self-sponsoring, staying away from meetings, and pushing away from program friends. That kind of withdrawal always leads to a drink.

Maybe the best answer is to pray for them, like the story suggests.

NYCDoglvr

One person caused me irraparable harm during my childhood and him I cannot forgive (although he's, thankfully, dead). But regarding other folks, I remember that Bill Wilson said that everyone is more or less screwed up. It helps to look at the time I hurt others, helps with humility.

To get rid of resentments I asked myself: "What's MY part in the problem with another person?" It may be inviting that person into my life, or not cutting ties when it became evident he/she is destructive or hurtful. It may be I don't tell that person to STOP saying or doing something that helps me. After all, if I don't tell someone to stop I'm essentially saying it's ok to continue.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean that what they did was OK. It means we stop letting them live rent-free in our heads. Other ways are praying for the ability to forgive and writing a letter to the person (never to be sent) writing about how the actions make me feel.

sugarbear1

sounds like a resentment for the fourth step, then get through to step 7.

Db1105

As others have said, pray, or as my sponsor used to say, pray for the sonofabitch. It works, but forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. It just comes down to a point in life when you just have to move on. It takes a lot less effort to love than to hate.

andyroo72

I have a feeling that forgiveness is a process, not an event. I dunno, it's a bit of a loose thought but I'm thinking that in that process it might be necessary for you to feel total angry, to feel like this person is unforgivable. Working through that stuff is really tough and I don't think there's any easy answer.

I don't think anyone is obliged to forgive anyone else. For some people, some things are truly unforgivable and it's not for me or anyone else to say otherwise. I would try not to put pressure on yourself to forgive, it may be that that isn't right for you. That said, I think if anger and resentment are screwing up things for you, you should work on it, but only because you deserve better :=]

DayTrader

When I'm slow to forgive it tends to be for one reason - not forgiving allows/lets/helps me feel better than that other person. "Oh, well I would NEVER have done thaaaaaat....they're a piece of crap." That's a big-time payoff for someone like me who's got a history of really disliking myself from time to time. Add to it, I was afraid the other ppl around me would think I'm a puss for forgiving so-an-so so quickly. Holding a grudge seems so much more popular and I didn't want to appear weak to anyone who knew me.

Several open talks on XA by Sandy Beach really helped me out. In one he discusses and explains how had it been me in that other person's shoes, with their emotional skill set, their upbringing, their fears, and so on........I would have done the same thing they did. He went on to talk about how wonderful our lives would be if we instantly forgave everyone for everything. What problems would we have then? Not many, huh?

In another talk by Sandy he describes the events surrounding the murder of his daughter (it was a random drive-by) and how he'd forgiven who did it within minutes of learning that it happened. Ya know, if someone could forgive the ppl who murdered his daughter......what in the hell am I doing holding an affair during my marriage against my ex-wife? What am I doing holding resentment against my alkie-dad for not being the dad I wanted him to be? (a selfish kid who thinks everyone should live their lives to suit ME......was my answer to that one). What am I doing holding anything less than the murder of a child against anyone?

Figuring out what my payoff in holding the resentment helped. Then, as Sugarbear mentioned, there's a step for this exact thing. In the 4th step I'm challenged to see how I am JUST LIKE that person I want to hold the grudge against - a tall order for a self-centered, afraid, defensive person like I can be at times. Acknowledging that I've done either the same thing, equally bad things, and/or even worse things to other ppl in moments when I was waaaay off the spiritual beam.......that really helped me let go of the resentment and forgive.

thotful

For me personally, I was able to forgive when I realized it didn't have to be like it has always been. Round and round we went from year to year - big fight...no contact for weeks/months...then poof, nothing happened...right? We never speak of it again. Rinse and repeat to the next major boundary violation offense. Then forget it happened. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

I can forgive without forgetting
I can forgive without pardoning
I can forgive without reconciling
I can forgive without excusing
I can forgive without condoning

What helped me is that what I originally believed I needed to do in order to forgive just wasn't true. I was mixing up forgiveness with forgetting, pardoning, reconciling, excusing, or condoning. I believe that's what upset me so much.

I have cut two brothers and their wives from my life. I will not forget, pardon, reconcile, excuse, nor condone their behavior. But I will certainly forgive them. I believe their behavior came from a place of pain. Unfortunately, I have no reason to believe that their behavior will change. They're probably still in pain. And even though it hurts me, I've got to let them go to heal myself. I'm leaving them to the higher power to fix/rescue/etc.

I will not be in a relationship for which I am treated any less than equal.

So, in forgiveness, I remember that I love my brothers (that's why it hurts so much - random person on the street behaving like that? f*** off and goodbye in two seconds flat). I wish them well and hope for the best for them. I might find it strange because they are likely active in alcoholism, but I want the best for them nonetheless. Maybe they'll find sobriety? Well, that's not up to me or in my control.

Love for my fellow human being
Wishing them well
Forgiving their behavior as a way to heal myself (less anger, resentment, etc)
Moving on

Just some thoughts.

dSober

It's not for us to judge others.

SoulSister

That may be what that personal story suggests, but the program suggests we offer the prayer "God save me from being angry."

Pray for them if you like but our program teaches us to pray for ourselves, our reactions, our anger.

dSober

Daily 11th step.

Clutch B

Thanks All ...

I've been learning alot from your responses, and also seeing how my part in forgiveness is bigger than I thought.

I thought it was all about "them" and what "they" did, and letting them off the hook. Why let them off the hook? Because I'm told that I'm required to forgive them.

But it's really more about me and my reactions, and putting myself in a spiritually healthy place. Responding to hurt with anger, resentment, and fear is based in pride. I wrongly believe that I can rebuild myself with retributive thinking, but that only damages me and makes my pain worse. Taking punitive action is akin to suicide bombing -- it destroys me entirely and might hurt them in the process.

Perhaps forgiveness is making the decision to respond to hurt with love and compassion. It doesn't mean being a doormat -- I must defend my personal boundaries. But I need to make sure my boundaries are healthy and that I'm defending them in a loving way. And when I feel hurt, I need to make sure my feelings are healthy and that I'm responding in a loving way.

It seems forgiveness is more like a way of living, rather than a one-time action. Maybe it's not about forgiving "them", but more about choosing to live in a healthy, spiritual way that brings me peace and positions me to be of maximum service to God and the people around me.

Just my thoughts, as of this morning.