How do you forgive?
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
It seems forgiveness is more like a way of living, rather than a one-time action. Maybe it's not about forgiving "them"
I think they are good thoughts and you are on the right path.I agree it is about whats going on inside us rather than their past actions.I have found I had to go back ( in my mind ) to the point of injury,real or imagined,and try to pinpoint the feeling inside of me when it happened.Was it painless?No,pain is pain but if I wanted to get better,I better find the truth and go from there.
What was it?Fear?something else?Pride?
fear and pride are in the same family....
I had to get down to the root emotional cause of it in me and disregard their actions as best I could.As long as I focused on their actions I stayed hurt and vengeful and lived with that pain in me.As long as I lived with that emotional problem or pain in me,I never got better,just worst and I found it hard to stay sober.The only relief I found was to dig deep,get honest with myself and do whatever necessary to get rid of that emotional problem I had.In my case I used the steps and prayed my butt off asking for God to help me.
I think they are good thoughts and you are on the right path.I agree it is about whats going on inside us rather than their past actions.I have found I had to go back ( in my mind ) to the point of injury,real or imagined,and try to pinpoint the feeling inside of me when it happened.Was it painless?No,pain is pain but if I wanted to get better,I better find the truth and go from there.
What was it?Fear?something else?Pride?
fear and pride are in the same family....
I had to get down to the root emotional cause of it in me and disregard their actions as best I could.As long as I focused on their actions I stayed hurt and vengeful and lived with that pain in me.As long as I lived with that emotional problem or pain in me,I never got better,just worst and I found it hard to stay sober.The only relief I found was to dig deep,get honest with myself and do whatever necessary to get rid of that emotional problem I had.In my case I used the steps and prayed my butt off asking for God to help me.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I would like to add that once I found the problem and used the steps for the solution,the issue of forgiveness was gone.I found I didn`t hate them or wish bad things for them.I did not agree with what they did but that`s ok.I had a new way to live and peace about it and peace did come in time,sometimes slowly,but it came.It was easy for me to blame them and try to use that "injury" to justify my drinking and anger and the way I lived.The more blame I put on them,the worst their " injury to me " got in my mind untill one day I was spending hours drinking and planning one guys murder..I wasted many,many hours planning his murder...thankfully I never carried it out...but I lost a lot of my life I could have been using for good.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 405
[QUOTE=Clutch B;4835483]Thanks All ...
I've been learning alot from your responses, and also seeing how my part in forgiveness is bigger than I thought.
...
I heard an AA member named Don P. (Pritz) CO...talk about "my part".
As long as we have a part, they have a part.
He said forget this "my part", their part....
We disregard the other person entirely and follow the directions to free ourselves which in turn frees everyone.
I think you are doing great. Be encouraged today!
I've been learning alot from your responses, and also seeing how my part in forgiveness is bigger than I thought.
...
I heard an AA member named Don P. (Pritz) CO...talk about "my part".
As long as we have a part, they have a part.
He said forget this "my part", their part....
We disregard the other person entirely and follow the directions to free ourselves which in turn frees everyone.
I think you are doing great. Be encouraged today!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by Clutch B 
I'm not talking about forgiving the guy who cut you off in traffic, or the rude lady at the store who skipped in line ahead of you.
But when someone close to you wounds you to the core of your being, and you experience what feels like complete emotional devastation ... How do you forgive them?
I'm trying really hard to forgive someone. And over and over again, I decide "I forgive them! It's okay!", even though I'm still really hurting over it. But the pain never goes away. It still hurts. I still feel destroyed. I'm trying to rebuild myself. But inevitably, the pain gets bad enough that I start feeling angry and resentful toward them again.
I'm stuck in a cycle of hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive.
Do you ever reach a point where you can just forgive someone permanently and be done with it? Does the pain ever stop?
But when someone close to you wounds you to the core of your being, and you experience what feels like complete emotional devastation ... How do you forgive them?
I'm trying really hard to forgive someone. And over and over again, I decide "I forgive them! It's okay!", even though I'm still really hurting over it. But the pain never goes away. It still hurts. I still feel destroyed. I'm trying to rebuild myself. But inevitably, the pain gets bad enough that I start feeling angry and resentful toward them again.
I'm stuck in a cycle of hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive ... hurt-anger-forgive.
Do you ever reach a point where you can just forgive someone permanently and be done with it? Does the pain ever stop?
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
I just happen to have a pdf handy. You mean?:
“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”
Sounds like a plan to me.
“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”
Sounds like a plan to me.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
This thread helped me understand forgiveness: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-parents.html
There is a difference between forgiveness and absolution.
There is a difference between forgiveness and absolution.
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