What if
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 405
What if
What if this time I could control and enjoy my drinking? I mean it's been almost seven months.
Maybe I could drink good wine, nice wine, not the cheap stuff, and be like other people that buy it, drink it and enjoy it with dinner, relax...why not?
These are the thoughts that I have been having and wanted to get some support to resist a return to drinking.
I know, what happens when I drink. I know I always drink too much, and the last times were very bad. I know the alcoholic progression.
But here it is today. That lurking notion.
It's been a long time. You must be alright now. It would probably be alright to get some wine and try and drink normally again.
Out of the blue...here it is.
I guess I still have an alcoholic mind.
Thanks for letting me share.
Maybe putting it out there, will help someone to see the insidious thought of a drink.
It's there just waiting.
Selfishness.
All my troubles are of my own making.
Please God, help me not to cause harm to myself and others, or believe the delusion that I can drink safely.
Maybe I could drink good wine, nice wine, not the cheap stuff, and be like other people that buy it, drink it and enjoy it with dinner, relax...why not?
These are the thoughts that I have been having and wanted to get some support to resist a return to drinking.
I know, what happens when I drink. I know I always drink too much, and the last times were very bad. I know the alcoholic progression.
But here it is today. That lurking notion.
It's been a long time. You must be alright now. It would probably be alright to get some wine and try and drink normally again.
Out of the blue...here it is.
I guess I still have an alcoholic mind.
Thanks for letting me share.
Maybe putting it out there, will help someone to see the insidious thought of a drink.
It's there just waiting.
Selfishness.
All my troubles are of my own making.
Please God, help me not to cause harm to myself and others, or believe the delusion that I can drink safely.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I always like to respond to my mind with the questions How? and Why?
How can I be simply cured with mere time? whether it's weeks, months or years, what realistically has changed in all that time.
Why would the outcome be any different? has my genetics in all that time changed, my biological makeup changed, what realistically has changed.
The answers when I really hammer it out after such a craving is nothing has changed, abstinence achieves nothing more than during that period of time I didn't drink, it doesn't fix or cure me in anyway, I am the same now as I was at Day 1!!
In away that creates a certain freedom, there are no ifs and maybes to work out, life is a nice shade of black and white!!
How can I be simply cured with mere time? whether it's weeks, months or years, what realistically has changed in all that time.
Why would the outcome be any different? has my genetics in all that time changed, my biological makeup changed, what realistically has changed.
The answers when I really hammer it out after such a craving is nothing has changed, abstinence achieves nothing more than during that period of time I didn't drink, it doesn't fix or cure me in anyway, I am the same now as I was at Day 1!!
In away that creates a certain freedom, there are no ifs and maybes to work out, life is a nice shade of black and white!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
might be a good time to go through the steps and also read the BB, preferably the chapter,"more about alcoholism."
dont let your thoughts control your actions and keep prayin!!
dont let your thoughts control your actions and keep prayin!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
The AA big book captures this perfectly at the beginning of chapter 3:
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I don't know when it happened, SoulSister -- except that it was sometime beyond seven months -- but eventually, I recoiled "as if from a hot flame" at the sight, smell, even thought of alcohol. I'm pretty sure that it had something to do with practicing the 12th step. While we get the joy of seeing those who walk the path, we also have humbling instances when we see those who stumble. I just picked one up from jail this morning, and another is drunk and creating her own new wreckage.
Good for you for coming here and voicing what's going on in your head. That's a very good thing. Perhaps that gets you through this rough spot, though I don't recommend only this as a means to continued sobriety. Nothing replaces looking another sober alcoholic in the eye. Sharing here can become a selective thing. Important stuff can be left out. Another drunk who's been where you are will see what you can't bring yourself to say.
I'll step off the soapbox now.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Good for you for coming here and voicing what's going on in your head. That's a very good thing. Perhaps that gets you through this rough spot, though I don't recommend only this as a means to continued sobriety. Nothing replaces looking another sober alcoholic in the eye. Sharing here can become a selective thing. Important stuff can be left out. Another drunk who's been where you are will see what you can't bring yourself to say.
I'll step off the soapbox now.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by SoulSister 
What if this time I could control and enjoy my drinking?
"Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Page 85 from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.
I must focus on God's will for me first thing every morning upon arising out of bed and how I can be of service to those I come in contact with that day.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.
I must focus on God's will for me first thing every morning upon arising out of bed and how I can be of service to those I come in contact with that day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. Early in sobriety I also had the what ifs.
Someone suggested that if I drank again what if, as I have proven my alcoholism, I could not regain sobriety and lived in the misery of drinking? That happens far too often for me to chance.
BE WELL
Someone suggested that if I drank again what if, as I have proven my alcoholism, I could not regain sobriety and lived in the misery of drinking? That happens far too often for me to chance.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by aborkie
You can buy it, drink it and enjoy it, but if you're like me you'll enjoy it too much.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Soul sister, this is what happened when I went and bought some nice expensive wine to have with my nice roasted lamb shoulder last October....
Originally Posted by Croissant
Dear Alcohol,
You know, next time when I'm on my way home and you come sliding up behind me and whisper in my ear, just don't. You told me it would be nice to catch up, that you'd just stay for dinner, nothing bad would happen.
You were gone the next morning, but I couldn't move. I was sick all day and you were nowhere to be found. Again, I lost time because of you. The dishes weren't done, I had to sleep all day...then the worst humiliation, I had to go get some fatty food and ran into someone way hotter than you at the lifts. But I looked like c$&@, no makeup on, daggy clothes, a sad mess, because of you.
Then, you came back again, last night when I was walking home. Even as I crossed the street to see you, I didn't care about Sober Me, my very best friend. Even though I heard her gasp in shock, I turned a deaf ear to her. She has been my very best friend since July. We do fun things and I get so much done when she is around. My clothes are washed, I shower and eat healthy. She even makes sure I get enough sleep. She drives me wherever I want to go, whenever I feel like it. Yes, any time! I turned my back on her to see you.
But, you alcohol....after last night, this morning I am so scared you will want to move in again. You're not even promising me anything now. You just think I'm going to accept this is as good as it gets and there's no use trying to live without you, because you will always be there.
I hate you so much.
I am going to talk to Sober Me about this, you can't just come in, slob around all over the place, make me have the day off work and expect that I am going to want this. I can't want this.
You know, next time when I'm on my way home and you come sliding up behind me and whisper in my ear, just don't. You told me it would be nice to catch up, that you'd just stay for dinner, nothing bad would happen.
You were gone the next morning, but I couldn't move. I was sick all day and you were nowhere to be found. Again, I lost time because of you. The dishes weren't done, I had to sleep all day...then the worst humiliation, I had to go get some fatty food and ran into someone way hotter than you at the lifts. But I looked like c$&@, no makeup on, daggy clothes, a sad mess, because of you.
Then, you came back again, last night when I was walking home. Even as I crossed the street to see you, I didn't care about Sober Me, my very best friend. Even though I heard her gasp in shock, I turned a deaf ear to her. She has been my very best friend since July. We do fun things and I get so much done when she is around. My clothes are washed, I shower and eat healthy. She even makes sure I get enough sleep. She drives me wherever I want to go, whenever I feel like it. Yes, any time! I turned my back on her to see you.
But, you alcohol....after last night, this morning I am so scared you will want to move in again. You're not even promising me anything now. You just think I'm going to accept this is as good as it gets and there's no use trying to live without you, because you will always be there.
I hate you so much.
I am going to talk to Sober Me about this, you can't just come in, slob around all over the place, make me have the day off work and expect that I am going to want this. I can't want this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I understand...the Big Book speaks directly to this in the Wives section and classifies the four catagories of alcoholics. I am not sure, which one you identify with but for my I self identify with a type II. Interestingly, the BB also notes that the type I and II are the most difficult to make The Solution stick because we have not had total ego deflation, as desrcibed by the Oxford Group's seven steps.
This caused me great concern, as I feared I was not done and would have to go back out and relapse and loose more for me to get better. This was not my experience though. By completing a rigorous and honest fourth step and reading it to my sponsor (1st part of step #5) I was able to identify and understand just how low I had gone.
Do I still get a thought? Yeah, but they are not serious thoughts and I kind of chuckle at them. Its like my mind is learning how to process being around booze. This weekend I was on the Ocean and couples were having wine on the patio overlooking the harbor...I thought that looks nice but then I started laughing in my head at how absurd the notion of looking nice is...I mean wine, I don't want wine, I would shotgone martinis and be looking for coke in an hour.
Anyhow, its really alright to have these thoughts but you need to develop your spiritual tool box to deal with the thoughts, so they don't turn to the obsession. This is what the steps are for.
This caused me great concern, as I feared I was not done and would have to go back out and relapse and loose more for me to get better. This was not my experience though. By completing a rigorous and honest fourth step and reading it to my sponsor (1st part of step #5) I was able to identify and understand just how low I had gone.
Do I still get a thought? Yeah, but they are not serious thoughts and I kind of chuckle at them. Its like my mind is learning how to process being around booze. This weekend I was on the Ocean and couples were having wine on the patio overlooking the harbor...I thought that looks nice but then I started laughing in my head at how absurd the notion of looking nice is...I mean wine, I don't want wine, I would shotgone martinis and be looking for coke in an hour.
Anyhow, its really alright to have these thoughts but you need to develop your spiritual tool box to deal with the thoughts, so they don't turn to the obsession. This is what the steps are for.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
We have to keep following instructions and not lash out during times like these because if we cause harm it just gives us more guilt, and we know what guilt does to us.
These are the times I need some action to take about my situation, hence the 12 steps.
Godspeed
These are the times I need some action to take about my situation, hence the 12 steps.
Godspeed
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by fini
wouldn't this be a step one revisit?
(page 30)
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