Riverbird

For nearly 2 years, I had someone who I thought was a best friend. We did everything together, told each other everything, etc. etc. Then, one day a couple of months ago, she decided she no longer wanted to have anything to do with me. There was no fight or anything...no major issues...just her deciding she was better off without me.

I was shocked, and obviously it hurt a lot. Since then I've done a 4th step on it with my sponsor and worked through the active anger towards her. Now I'm noticing more just a subtle bitterness when certain things come to mind. I did A LOT for her. (Not to say she didn't do stuff for me too, I just mean I invested a lot of time and emotion into the relationship). For example, today I happened to drive by the place where she'd gotten in her car wreck. When she told me what had happened I instantly jumped up and went over there to be with her, even though it was across town. I helped her calm down and process things, and when it was determined she needed to be checked out at the hospital I took her there, stayed with her there well into the night, and then took her home. I did this stuff without hesitation, not looking for anything in return, because that's what friends do.

I guess I just always thought she'd have my back too...because that's what friends do. But instead, when I had a rough day, she decided she didn't want to deal with me anymore and walked away. (And it was really just a rough day where I snapped at her over something stupid). There were days that she was there for me too...but now it feels like i'm keeping this mental tally of all the times I was there for her...all the times I rushed to be there for her, gave up my own plans, etc. Does the fact that I'm still thinking this way mean I still have a resentment to work through? Or is this more a character defect of ego or selfishness or expectations or something? Or maybe just a part of grieving?

I would guess it's natural that I'm still thinking about her...I mean she was a huge part of my life for 2 years...but I'm also guessing this anger and bitterness and mentally rehashing the past is not so good. But I'm not sure what to do to work through it. Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long...this is such a huge, crazy, on-going situation it's hard to keep short. Thanks for "listening!"

GracieLou

I get it. I was the kind of person that jumped to help people. I was a caretaker but then always resentful that they did not return with a reward or was not there when I needed help.

The true idea of giving is to give without expectations and without any thought of a reward.

The reward is in the giving. To be able and capable of helping another. I did not have this for a long time. I think it comes with time and with gratitude that the program showed me.

There are many people that will take advantage and in those cases, if you helped, then perhaps you were supposed to help, that is what was meant to happen, and you move on with your life.

Let go of the resentment. That is how it was supposed to be. When I look at things as how they are supposed to be, rather than how I want them or wanted them to be, life got easier and simple.

I looked at it this way. If my HP wanted it that way, or even their HP wanted it that way, then who am I to argue about it. It made me a better person because I could see my side of it, giving with expectation. That is my side of the street. I stopped doing that.

If I can help I help. If I can't, I pray for the person.

Music

Obviously you were/are looking for something in return. The Big Book talks about making decisions based on self which later put us in a position to be hurt. The question to be asked here is not what she should do for you in return for your help and friendship, but what and how you would have felt, knowing she needed help and friendship and not giving it to her? You did what you felt you needed to do at the time. Doing what you did without any expectations is the kind, loving thing to do. People change their minds all the time, and probably change friends(for whatever reason)just as often. Back off and give this some time. Deal with any resentments, stop feeling sorry for yourself and possibly some day in the future, you'll get the answer.....or, maybe not. Your happiness and peace of mind hang in the balance here.

WMJ1012

It's a few resentments, and in writing them out you will see your defects but that's only part of the solution.

Resentments I see here:
1) against her for not giving back as you wanted.
(In true friendship we give without expectation.)

2) against yourself for giving more than you could.
(Sometimes we will put our own well-being aside but doing that constantly where we harm ourselves will cause us to be resentful at ourselves.)
A self-resentment is the worst kind, but take heart, we have a Way Out.

3) against her for not talking to you after you snapped at her,
or, against yourself for snapping at her. Written either way, the truth will come out.

If you know how to write a resentment out, you will see the Truth, and also your defects.

Also, it's ok to grieve. God makes all things new. She will probably end up on the amends list anyway.

Riverbird

I guess I'm a bit confused about expectations. What I meant when I said I didn't expect things in return, was that after helping her I didn't expect her to buy me dinner or do something for me or anything like that. At the time the thought never crossed my mind. But I did expect that someone who declared themselves a friend and acted as a friend wouldn't suddenly disappear out of my life. Is that really wrong to expect? I know no one's perfect, but it seems like expecting a friend to treat me decently should be an ok thing to do.

I don't know that I could give myself to a relationship if I didn't expect that the person was going to treat me decently in return. Isn't that the whole idea of picking (or attempting to pick) quality friends?

Ken33xx

My guess is the woman may have had a reason for suddenly going "non-contact."

Life experience has taught me people generally don`t usually behave like that without what they feel is cause.

I`m sorry about what happened but imp you might need to re-consider your behavior.

I work with an AA member who is probably hurt that I decided to go “non-contact” with him.

However, I feel it`s best that I limit my contact to hello and good morning and the weather.

Riverbird

I understand why it looks that way...but even my sponsor who knows both of us well can't make sense of why she's acting this way. I've gone over everything with her (sponsor), and my sponsor talked to her (she has brought it up repeatedly to my sponsor, which is weird on it's own), and my sponsor can't figure out why she's doing this or what I might've done. Even my description of snapping at her really is an exaggeration. I was having a rough day and I was a little shorter than normal...not as able to talk things out as I normally would. I know I'm not perfect so I'm not saying I'm blameless...but my sponsor believes it must be some outside issues she is dealing with. And trust me she wouldn't be saying that if she thought I'd done something to cause it!

Sorry that all sounds convoluted. I wish I could agree with you that a person wouldn't go suddenly "non-contact" without reason, but that just doesn't seem to be the case here. I would LOVE to have any idea of a reason, but the "reason" she explained to my sponsor doesn't make sense at all.

Ken33xx

Whatever the reason the woman has made it clear she wants to be left alone.

Don`t become like my co-worker (and fellow AA member) who "hoovered" in an effort to draw me back in.
When Toxic People Start Hoovering – A Blog About Toxic and Non-Toxic People

Riverbird

Where did I say I was doing that? I clearly get that she wants nothing to do with me. I'm just asking about how to deal with my own thoughts related to it. I don't like where my mind is going related to it, so I need to figure out how to reframe my thoughts. I really don't need advice about what toxic people should or shouldn't do. Thanks.

Ken33xx

I didn`t say you were.

I said don`t become like my co-worker.

Hereandnow2

Riverbird, I can't imagine any person not being very upset when suddenly a close friend shuts the door like that! I am a social worker and see this as a gee icing process not a defect or resentment issue. I believe it will take you some time to move through, bargaining, anger, acceptance, ect that we all go through psychologically. As a way to help you through the process you could write out your feelings In a letter form and read it to your sponsor and burn it to have some closure. You could give it to her as a last stitch effort to get some answers. I had a similar situation that happened to me and years later I found out that I inadvertently threatened this person by knowing some things about his past and when he met his future wife he was concerned I bet tell her. I had no clue this was on his mind! There were also some things I had said that had hurt him that I was unaware of. I really had to move past it and it was difficult because I cared about him but that is his choice. I will be thinking of you!

Riverbird

Thank you. That really helps. I spent so many years trying so hard not to feel, that I'm really not aware of what "normal" emotions are. Frankly I'm glad that I'm feeling hurt and emotional and everything else, because it shows I'm allowing myself to truly live life, and not isolate from relationships the way I used to. My sponsor keeps telling me to "feel my feelings" and not try to fight it. I just want to make sure I find the balance and don't let it turn in to something bigger.

I actually did the letter writing thing exactly like you suggested. I read it to my sponsor and she thought it was ok to give to her, but after a bit more thought and prayer I decided not to. In the letter I said a lot about how I wanted her to talk to me and explain things and all that, which to some extent I do, but I'm not sure I want a friendship again with someone that can so easily walk away. It did help to write it out though. It's weird now, because we did everything together, so everything reminds me of her. Sometimes fun memories, sometimes sadness, sometimes anger and frustration...I guess it's another big event I need to learn how to get through in sobriety. It's all new to me because in the past I would just get drunk and forget about it! Thanks again for your help and sharing your story.

Gottalife

At times like this I am mighty glad God is around. People have feet of clay, they will always let you down. I place my dependence on the God of my understanding. When something like this happens it hurts for sure, and I ask God to help me through it and tell me what His will is for me. There is always a lesson and an opportunity for growth in every bit of adversity.

In life I make decisions, take actions, and generally try to do what I think God's will is for me (most of the time). But I leave the results in His hands, and it always seems to work out for the best, even if I don't think so at the time.

GracieLou

This is how I try to look at it. There are people that left my life.

The decision was theirs, not mine. If I am obsessing about it then I am the one that is trapped in the cycle.

People have the right to make their own decisions, just as I do, the reasons are their own, we cannot change that. If I whirl about the reasons or try to defend my position so that I can either change their minds or at least get them to accept my side of the story then I am trying to control.

I want to make them see, I want to make them understand, I want things to go the way I want them to. I want to be right. I want them to accept me, my reasons, my side...They don't have to, that is what I want.

If what I want is always on my mind, then I am never going to be able to accept anything. If they are judging you then they have to serve that sentence, not you.

Let them judge while you go free.

desypete

i had to watch out when i was helping people that i didn't try to take ownership of them,

thankfully i had the wisdom of my sponsor and many others in aa who in there own way would kick me up the butt many times to drive different messages into my head until the light bulb would go on

they would tell me things like this

i dont keep a running score sheet on what help i have given people so i can then throw it in there face if they dont do things i want them to or if they dare not want to be around me
i would be angry at them for saying things like this as they were not listening to me and how unfair it is about the other person who isnt being kind back to me

they would say i can not do anything about other people, only myself, and if people walk away from me then maybe i might have something to do with it rather than them not being grateful for the wonderful me

i could punch them in there mouths for such talk i really could lol

but you know what its the only way i get to see me or the things i just can not see about me

so there right if i want to help people then help them and move on dont try to take ownership
if people want to be friends with me then thats fine and if they walk away from me than thats fine i will still be there friend and be there if they need me

thats all i can do and i have to let go of any bad feelings or tell my head with its negative thoughts just were to go

use this experience with your friend as a learning stepping stone as all our experiences are learning, we grow all the time and for me i grow by doing things wrong and feeling pain
wish i wasnt like that but thats me

to me you have 2 options
1 get out there and help someone else and carry on giving of yourself without expectations
2 sit on the pity pot and let the people you help hurt you because they dont want to be around you after all you have done to help them ( it just doesn't matter honestly it doesnt )


good luck to you

GracieLou

I wanted to add that IMO this is exactly what a sponsor should do. Let you make your own decisions.

Mine has suggested many courses of actions I could take, shared with me what she has done in the same situations and asked me to look at my motives but the final decision is still mine.

No matter the outcome she has supported me and loved me through it.

Ken33xx

It took almost 2 years before my co-worker and fellow AA member got the message that outside of pleasantries (good morning, nice day etc...) I do not want to chat with him.

It's a tricky situation because we're talking work and not an AA meeting where you can walk away.

However, I refused to let him control my behavior and he appears to have finally gotten the message.

GracieLou

And this is the key to it all! This is the only thing we can control. Our own behavior and our reactions to the behavior of others.

Ken33xx

What I learned is to let go of the rope and refuse to play.

Which is not always easy when toxic people try every trick to draw you back in.

Patriciae

In painful situations like this, I acknowledge that I am hurt and angry that someone would treat me that way. I pick up the phone and call my Sponsor to get it out in healthy way. (She won't go on and on about what the other person did or didn't do, she will bring it right back to the only thing I can do anything about....me and my own recovery"......

Then, I get quiet, go inside, clear my mind and ask God to please help me to Trust Him.

Please help me to Trust that God will get me where He wants me to go and all I have to do.....is stay out of His Way