Redmayne

On the night of the 14th Feb.2008, alone and unaided I found myself so debilitated by my nightly consumption of alcohol, I was unable to rise from my armchair.

In fear and desperation, thinking that this time, I'd overdone my 30 years of drinking, I crawled on my belly, like a snake. Where after some effort I managed to heave myself on to my bed.

Where I lay, terrified, crying, pleading, begging, praying for my suffering to end! Firmly convinced, as many had done before. Why should I be any different?

As my eyes closed and I slipped towards helpless oblivion, I felt as if I was plunging downwards through a black night, the stars were hurtling towards and then passing me at a huge rate...

The just before I lost consciousness, I felt, heard? A firm, but gentle tug from my middle regions. as if something, painlessly had been removed from. Followed by oblivion.

The next morning, on waking, there were no white lights, angels singing nor even Elijah descending from the heavens in a flaming chariot!

I just felt ill, ill enough not to drink, but well enough to just sit still, and maintain myself. Over the following three days I tried to eat a light meal, on two of them, a day apart. Each time accompanying it with cans of alcohol, my usual very strong brew the first time, the second a much lighter variety.

On each occasion, the moment I tried a sip or two of alcohol, I vomited that, and what little I'd eaten up! Followed by the meal going in the bin, and the booze being emptied down the sink!

In the days, months and now years that followed my sobriety improved. It'd be wrong to say, not that I haven't been tempted, but I haven't tried to drink, but the results were exactly the same. To the point that these days, as has been the case for some time not, I never even think about alcohol now, let alone am ever tempted to drink it.

In the days following the 15th of Feb.,2008 I saw my alcohol abuse counsellor and doctor, explaining both the events of the previous night and what followed. There was no explanation coming forthcoming from either of them then, nor has there been one since.

Leaving me, with the explanation offered by Dr.Silkworth, in 'The Doctor's Opinion', in the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous' 4th Ed.

Whatever took place that night, under whatever circumstances, I remain safe, sane and sober to this day...

Anyone else can offer what opinions, conclusions, etc., they want, no problem..it's a 'selfish program' right!

It's my sobriety that counts, remembering the AA slogan, 'live and let live' .

Which I'd like to think is what the god of my understanding had exactly in mind for me that night...and the gift of sobriety, to me, as I hope it is to all of us, is all that matters ....

jdooner

Redmayne - thank you for that share. I too have a similar spiritual experience, except mine was induced by an overdose. This overdose triggered PTSD and memories that I wish I did not have coming back. For two years I drank and drugged with a purpose to quiet the thoughts and end the pain. I finally had enough of being sick. That said, the overdose which included hallucinogens took me to a place that I chalk up to my own spiritual experience - it just took two additional years to gain the clarity.

Good luck and thanks for the share!

sugarbear1

thanks for sharing.

mine was simple, I worked through to step 7

steps 8-12 explained the next day--basically how to work them in my early recovery

my obsession to drink/use and my cravings just weren't there the next day, but it took a few days, a week, a month to fully realize this (I was a bit fuzzy headed and still had some night sweats, ok, minimized that, drenching sleepless nights for a bit, etc).

That obsession and desire to drink/use so gone, by 3-4 months I tried willing them back (alcoholic thinking), it didn't work, I decided it might work, so I gave that up......

kept working the steps on a daily basis, working though those 12 steps a few more times as my mind and body became more and more clear....

dSober

I sometimes wish I'd had your kind of experience Redmayne. Perhaps I'd have stopped sooner. One of the things that scared me the most about my years of drinking myself to death was that I never vomited, like I had in earlier years, in spite of drinking up to 2L of rotgut vodka a day sometimes for weeks on end. It seemed like by body just wanted and accepted it. My spiritual experience was more recent and more subtle. I've been thinking of it more as a "revelation" but now it seems like perhaps the same thing. It's described here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...where-god.html

Redmayne

Obviously the events I've related in my original post are true, otherwise I wouldn't be here today!

That said, I am now and always will be, a firm believer in the contents of the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous', in my case the 4th Ed., it sits here with me , well annotated with personal thoughts and observations.

With particularly reference to p.xxv,'The Doctor's Opinion', and the following 164 pages, paying particular note to, chapter 3, 'More About Alcoholism' and chapter 4, 'How It Works'.

My favourite in the Personal Stories section, being,'The Keys Of The Kingdom' ...

I also like, admire and support the wording in Appendice 2 'Spiritual Experience' which refers to what the psychologist William James suggests as 'spiritual experiences' of the 'educational variety', which, although by no means the rule, is true for a lot of people.

I certainly enjoy trying to make spiritual progress through a lot of the books I read, stretching from, Richard Bach's, 'Jonathan Seagull' to those written by the Dalai Lama, and more, Kahlil Gilbran'The Prophet' hope I've spelt his name right,etc...

So, for whatever happened to me, it leads, in the gift of sobriety, a greater transformation in me as a person, which I believe is on offer to all those who take the time, not only to read, but fully understand the contents of the 'Big Book' and put them into practice...thoroughly following the path of the first who got sober.

dSober

I always have a hard copy or two handy myself. I also recently downloaded a pdf of the 4th edition for easy access and found it also let me find and/or count usages of words like insanity, miracle, etc.

Johno1967

Spiritual and enlightening experiences paradoxically often occur when people have hit that deep pit of despair. Its like we open our consciousness to awaken to something that we've been blind to all our lives.
Its a very personal and life changing event. The effect fades with time but we know we can never go back to what we were.
The calm after the storm is what I remember most.
Once when I was about 15 I woke up in the middle of the night and decided I was going to take my life. My home situation was very bad and I was badly depressed. I begged God that I should die. Suddenly I felt like I was leaving my body, it seemed that an ocean of stars arched above me and I felt a peace and lightness in that moment which removed my fears and anxiety. I heard a voice in my head ask "Do you really want to die?"It was loving and gentle. I felt myself say no and in response I had a feeling that everything was going to be OK. I seemed to settle back into my body and a sense of peace and relief and unconditional love washed over me. I fell back to sleep and woke up wondering if it had been a dream but remembering it vividly. I was calm after that for a long time and did never got that low again. I always felt something was watching over me even in the worst years of my drinking. So many times I should have fared much worse even died except for some hand of providence. I had the same sort of experience 18 months ago and asked that higher power to bail me out again and not let me die an alcoholic like my father, I've been sober ever since.
I just hope this time I don't forget like the other times. Hence, daily maintenance of spiritual condition by living the steps, applying simple principles and being true to one's self will ensure I don't forget and don't get ungrateful.
Truly believe you will receive what you claim and you will.

dSober

Beautiful account Johno. I think you're right about daily maintenance. Right now, coming here is mine. As others come along (like reading the bible I just downloaded) I plan to expand on it. The AA book: "Daily Reflections" is also for that purpose.

WMJ1012

The psychic change and the spiritual experience are two separate things that can conjoin.

There are also two types of spiritual experiences.

This is all explained in masterly detail in the BB which is why I study and practice it.

dSober

Hmm, sounds like something I'd like to look further into BuildWithMe. Which pages?

P.S. Re-reading your post Red, I do recall a couple times when I couldn't friggin' move. I also recall several times, especially in early withdrawl, when my limbs were shaking furiously and I couldn't stop them for a while. Fortunately it was usually it bed. A few it wasn't and felled me like an axed tree. Scared the hell out of the kids once. Got me a ride in an ambulance to hospital a few times. None of them a whole lot of fun.

caboblanco

As much as I disagree with AA I have felt a presence there are more then one occasion. A healing presence. I am not talking about the people there either.

dSober

Keep coming back, it'll grow. I said this elsewhere but I'll say it again. I feel AA is really only 2 steps:

1) Take what you need and leave the rest.
2) Over time, you may find you need more... or less. Repeat step 1.

Redmayne

I've heard the saying many times, regarding the Fellowship of AA and respective meetings, many of which I attended over a wide area spanning about a 30 year period..the only thing I will say, is if it and they work for you fine...they didn't for me.

Equally so, studying the Big Book, with in my case the cd's of 'Charlie and Joe's Big Book Study' gave me a comprehensive understanding of the 12 Step program of recovery and the necessity to undertake what is essentially a spiritual program that lead me into recovery and eventual sobriety. Which has now, one day at a time, extended over six years...

I take no sides in this, if it works for you, fine, the only thing that concerned me, and which naturally concerns me is that there were many at meetings who wrongly, seemed to be of the view that mere attendance at A A meetings would somehow bring about their recovery. Rather than go to them to learn about spiritual recovery and then taking the actions outlined in the suggested 12 Step program to bring it about...which really is what I've always understood the Fellowship and meetings, sharing experience, strength and hope are all about...

That said,'live and let live'...it's a 'selfish program' and on that basis, I can only be responsible for my own sobriety and to the god of my understanding.

AZliving

Coming here has helped me heal, and grow in serenity & peace. Thank God for today!

dSober

I couldn't agree more. My first sponsor was precisely one of them. Real nice guy, we're still friends, but he wasn't helping me through the steps at all.

I've gone through several sponsors. Some too strict, some too lax. I felt like Goldilocks, lol.

That's why I like the 2 step program. I'm also very familiar with the Big Book and the steps and all that they entail. While I have not been attending a lot of meetings lately, I realized recently that I've been working them, in one fashion or another, all along. I thought I was hung up on step 3, like many others, but realized I really wasn't. I was working around it for the time being. Now that I feel I've pretty much bought into step 3, I feel MUCH better, and I'm focusing mostly on 12th stepping, mostly here at SR, to firm up and maintain my recovery, while still continuing to do and reinforce all the other steps.

I strongly agree with "whatever works".

dSober

P.S. For anyone that's interested in how/when I bought more into step 3, and if you haven't been there yet:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...where-god.html