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Old 02-07-2014, 09:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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inching toward relapse

i'm slipping. i have a year and a half of sobriety due to a great sponsor and meetings. i'm working the steps. but the last two months, i feel like i'm sliding into darkness, my old dark place where i don't give a s--t about anything, especially me. i'm healthier and stronger in some ways, more honest, but my cravings are back; i'm incredibly irritated and restless all the time, angry, pissed at everyone, convinced i'm a victim etc. oh, and my days are so unstructured and dysfunctional i have to fight off self-loathing just to crawl out of bed. i stood and stared at the bountiful offerings in the liquor section of the grocery store, just hypnotized. i'm just telling on myself because i've been keeping this to myself which i know is what the disease wants. my sponsor is away right now too, so i'm feeling kind of alone (i'm not a good joiner and still am not calling people in any of my meetings). so.... if you have any words of wisdom i'm all ears and thanks for listening.

Zorah
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Old 02-07-2014, 09:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Glad you came to share. Don't have a lot to say right now but keep being honest and keep trudging the road. Sometimes all we can do is get out of bed and sometimes that has to be ok. But do what you can to help someone else, and make sure you're taking care of the basic HALT stuff (hungry, angry, lonely, tired).
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Old 02-07-2014, 09:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
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The liquor section holds nothing for you other than misery and a dark pit of despair. You've already traveled that road. You Do NOT want to go back there.

We all have hard times and get to feeling low. That is when we need to bolster ourselves and cling to our faith and all the things we have learned from the past. Please don't give in. Throw yourself into your recovery and this difficult time will pass. They always do. The more you deny the addictive voice, the fainter it will become and the longer it will stay away.

Keep going! You have a year and a half invested. You're doing great! (((HUGS)))
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you're struggling.
are you still seeing your Psych Zorah?

D
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Old 02-08-2014, 12:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi Zorah,

I'm glad you reached out and for sharing. I can only imagine the inner turmoil that must be going on within.

I was struggling what to say that can help or ease your anguish. Being a precarious situation I'm afraid my words might come out wrong. I realized being here, I Suck at writing compared to everyone here.

I just want to say your post/share is helping me in my worries of slipping. My alcoholic brain is rationalizing every bit of my situation. I'm in my first week. Not that it matters bc anybody at any sobriety date can take that first drink at anytime. I'm new to sobriety.

My point is... by trying to help you, I ended up helping myself. So, please keep sharing. YOu don't know who you are helping in spite of what you're situation.

I hope this helped in someway. i hope what i wrote came across ok. My lack of sleep, natural sleeping aid, and my withdrawal/ brain fog isn't helping with my writing. Or maybe, it is.

I hope the darkness you are feeling passes soon.
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Old 02-08-2014, 12:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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if you want to continue sinking deeper and end up worse that ya were before then continue what yer doin.
if you decide you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, take certain steps( as in 12 of em).

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
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Old 02-08-2014, 12:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Just grit your teeth and wait for it to pass because it always does. Have you tried counselling? Speaking to your doctor might help it to sort itself out quicker. xxxxx
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Old 02-08-2014, 01:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zorah View Post
i'm just telling on myself because i've been keeping this to myself which i know is what the disease wants. my sponsor is away right now too, so i'm feeling kind of alone (i'm not a good joiner and still am not calling people in any of my meetings). so.... if you have any words of wisdom i'm all ears and thanks for listening.
Call someone from your meetings and see how they are :-) Call someone new and see if they want to go to a meeting with you. Call someone with less time up than you and see how they are doing.

I'd bet money that will go a long way to making you forget about picking up.

It doesn't sound like it will work, but it really does You don't have to call someone and say you feel like drinking if it's too awkward. Just call someone and see how THEY are doing.
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Old 02-08-2014, 05:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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When I start getting into dark places, the only thing that really ever, ever gets me back into the sunlight of the spirit is being of service to others. Even when every bit of me rebels or balks at the idea, when I pick up the phone or meet with someone or shake a newcomers hand and talk to them...I get freer.

The antidote for sinking into self is to think of others. There is nothing like hearing what is going on with someone, helping them out, just listening or going over the big book with someone newer than you, to jump start serenity and ease with one's self in the world. It does for me, at least. At the very least, as mentioned, you can tell someone what you mentioned here. I bet you donuts to dollars that they will understand you completely and let you know how they deal with it.

You also mention staying sober through meetings and a great sponsor. Remember the steps are what free us from all this and truly keep us sober. Sponsor and meetings only go so far. Keep at the stepwork...don't let up on this. Call your sponsor too!

You're not alone.
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Old 02-08-2014, 05:28 AM   #10 (permalink)
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This place is very good. Once again I landed in a thread the I can completely relate to.
Does anyone remember the movie The Abyss? When the water snake comes into the ship and simulates Lyndsey's face?
Then the guy shuts the door on it and severs it?
That's what it feels like. All progress has had the door shut on it.
Frustrating.
Spring can't be a day too soon this year!!!
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Old 02-08-2014, 08:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by zorah View Post
i'm slipping. i have a year and a half of sobriety due to a great sponsor and meetings. i'm working the steps. but the last two months, i feel like i'm sliding into darkness, my old dark place where i don't give a s--t about anything, especially me. i'm healthier and stronger in some ways, more honest, but my cravings are back; i'm incredibly irritated and restless all the time, angry, pissed at everyone, convinced i'm a victim etc. oh, and my days are so unstructured and dysfunctional i have to fight off self-loathing just to crawl out of bed. i stood and stared at the bountiful offerings in the liquor section of the grocery store, just hypnotized. i'm just telling on myself because i've been keeping this to myself which i know is what the disease wants. my sponsor is away right now too, so i'm feeling kind of alone (i'm not a good joiner and still am not calling people in any of my meetings). so.... if you have any words of wisdom i'm all ears and thanks for listening.

Zorah
Congrats on your year and a half, Zorah. You know, its not always just about 'quitting' after some time has gone by, and you might want to re-examine how change has happened for you in the last 18 months. Too often we can become mired in trying to get so many things right we don't take our own measure of satisfaction on us for having already been busy getting a lot right and being good enough with all that for the time being. The journey is the thing here of value, and not the final destination ie there is no real final destination in life except obvious death, imo.

I don't know you, but your share very well presents as one who is well aware of the dynamics entwined with the sober journey. Many times while earnestly working the steps I have arrived at dark places. Scary stuff. It can sometimes become easy enough to doubt ourselves when the enlightenment is dimmed by the darkness of our trials and troubles. Despair is not a worthy companion while working through our challenges, and so it does take some courage to face down our troubles and make lemonade with the lemons tossed across our paths.

Don't believe that you got this far in your journey by not knowing what your doing. Keep believing in yourself and hold fast to opening up your mind to all the possible right choices to make at this crossroad in your journey. Be brave!

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Old 02-08-2014, 10:04 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hello Zorah, please keep going, you've got some good sober time behind you. Could you go to a meeting or a therapist and be as honest as you can with what's going on? I'm struggling at the moment with anxiety, I had left Aa but just gone back and was asked to do a chair. I felt very safe at that meeting and said that yes, sobriety has really helped my mental health but I talked about struggling. Everyone in the room shared back and made me feel very loved, there was even another Aca ( like me) who talked about our struggles to feel normal. I hadn't realised others had been through the same.

Reach out for help, and you may even find you help others in the process. Please keep going x In the past I have also listed out all the negatives drink did to me.... It always beats the pros by a mile. Let us know how it goes.
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Old 02-08-2014, 06:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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double up on your efforts to stay sober,and triple up on your efforts to find some gratitude
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Old 02-08-2014, 07:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Stay the course...
Too much time and effort vested!
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:44 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Alcoholism is like a treadmill, if I am not moving forward I am moving backwards.

You say `i'm working the steps`, but you say your are slipping. This is a program of action, not delay. Prayer and Meditation along with helping others. I find service work is an amazing action, along with the meeting after the meeting with newcomers are sufferers.
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:49 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I think the BB offers sound advice.

Working with others. Go help someone else.
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Old 02-10-2014, 04:31 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Wow, these are great responses. I've been up all night. Just can't sleep these days. Anyway, I am seeing a therapist (for those who asked) but I haven't told her about this. Nor have I told my Psych about my inability to remember my meds half the time. I need them for bipolar. I hear you about helping others and I'm going to have to bite the bullet and call even though every cell in my body is screaming against it because I just want to be alone alone alone all the time--well not totally alone; I have a super sweet pitbull who is, I have to admit, my best friend at this point. Anyway, I'm taking your suggestions to heart. I'm grateful there are compassionate people on this site who understand and take the time too share what they've learned.



Zorah
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Old 02-10-2014, 05:05 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi Zorah, sorry I'm late to this thread.

Sounds like a tough time you're having. How far have you got with the steps? I think it was doing a thorough inventory that really helped me. You sound like you've got some great people working alongside you..your sponsor, your therapist, your Psych. I would urge you to be completely honest with them, tell them where you really are because they won't be able to support properly without the facts.

One of my main character defects turned out to be dishonesty and this was a complete revelation to me. My dishonesty centred around the appearances I gave out to others. In my real life I'm a professional career woman, wife, Mum..if you met me, you would think I was completely self-composed instead of this insecure scared child, which is how I really felt. I got good at asking for help on SR, shared a lot of stuff, but my ego stopped me from being honest with those people in my life that had their hands outstretched to me..

Working the steps thoroughly, getting in tough with my sponsor when I needed to, getting completely honest with my therapist...that is what has turned my life around.

Best wishes to you x
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Old 02-10-2014, 05:15 AM   #19 (permalink)
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i also have 1 and 1/2 years sobriety,and have the same feelings.what i am doing is saying to myself just not today.and also me i have had a rough year.but i refuse to let that make me relaspe.i do not want to start over again.its taken me 20 plus years to get here.just try to keep it in the day.good luck.
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Old 02-10-2014, 05:27 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Sounds simple, but go snuggle your dog. Talk to him. He needs you sober too. May sound trite but obviously he is important to you.
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