Been quiet lately..

[Kathi]

Hi everyone,

I've been quiet the last few days. Having a melt down of sorts tonight. I brought my partners cat to the vet today to have her put down. She couldn't do it and since the cat is such a loner and not very nice I didn't think it would bother me much - I was wrong. I fell apart before going, while there, and after leaving. It really surprised me.

I had mixed feelings of doing this anyway because we are meeting with a counselor next week to discuss our relationship (which I feel is done and even though she should be aware of that I think she is burying her head in the sand). So now it will be even worse because she will have lost her cat and then me in a one week period.

Then tonight we had a cookout for my nephew who is heading back to Korea tomorrow (Army). He was home because in August he is being deployed to Iraq. I just said good bye to him and still can't stop crying - I am so scared for him. Please pray for him.

-Kathi

[MootPoint]

OMG Kathi, what can I say?

Other than there is so much of your story I can relate to.

That, stay sober, and my PM's are always open to you!

[dotcom]

kathi,

so sorry about the cat. it is very very hard to lose a pet that way (even when we dont particularly like the pet). btw, i love your avatar! is that a poodle? ill be praying for your nephew! hang in there kathi!

hugs,

dot

[best]

Kathi

My son has been to Iraq and is now home. 5 years a Marine and now a Civilian.
When he was there, what held me together... I am powerless to protect him. I can't stand beside him and protect him so I had no choice but to entrust him to God's hands. God knows when our days are complete and will take us home no matter what we think or do. Surrender of the control I never had and trust that no matter what, God will see us both through any and all things.
Still prayed for total protection and safety of my son and all others in service through out the world though.
Know he is being prayed for by many.

[Kathi]

{{{{Moot, Dot & Best}}}}}

Thanks for your support. Dot, the avatar is my new 4 month old puppy Izzy and she is a tiny toy poodle - alot of fun and good medicine for me!!

Best you are right - I'm actually working on Step 2/3 and I believe there is a higher power but I am really stuck on giving things over.

Have a great day -

Kathi

[dotcom]

I LOVE TOY POODLES ... definately good medicine ...

[KelKel]

Kath
Missed you and thought of you while on my trip!

[Kathi]

Hey Kel,

Great to see you back - how was the trip??

Kathi

[KelKel]

Hi Kathi
Our trip was good for me. I love the ocean and she replenishes me with her greatness. My son's (Burton) graduation was really nicely done. He won top honors in his class and I could not be more proud. Did my guilty heart some good. He is a beautiful (though slightly spoiled...) boy.
His father spoils him a little too excessively. I am surprised my son can still wipe his own butt... He hates all my healthy food. He acts like he is having withdrawals from little debbie's. Things could be alot worse.
My husband and I stayed with Gary(Burton's Dad) and their roomate Marty.
We had a lovely time...it was like old times and new times.
Burton's father is twenty years older than I am, Marty is in his 70's. two older Jewish men from the east. We have quite a history and have always enjoyed each others company. It has been good for my son to be around these two characters. Burton loves his Daddy, he spent the first 3 days of his life sleeping on Daddie's belly.

Oh Lord I Have rambled on....

[Don W]

Hi Kathi, Sorry about your cat. I can only say that it is good being sober and doing the right thing. Also, isn't it great finding we have feelings and don't have to hide them. I spent so much time hidding my feelings. Pretending inside I didn't care. Fearing that someone would see me expressing sadness, like it was a weakness. As for your nephew, I am a Navy Vet, Vietnam. I would like you to pass along my thanks to him for stepping forward to protect our country. Regardless of anyone's politics, men and women are protecting us and deserve our support. Many are performing heroic acts that don't make the news. Don W

[MootPoint]

How are you doing today, Kathi?

I didn't post this earlier because it was too painful for me. I had 2 cats who were the world to me. They had to be put down..... old age, kidney failure, etc. My partner did it because I couldn't. I just couldn't.

She was not that close to my cats, but she said she broke into tears when they were put down.

I hold that guilt to this day... i wasn't there for them. My sponsor told me what to do. I am going to write an amends to them and burn it. With lots of prayers of course. Sigh.

Just shared that so you know someone knows what its like.

[KelKel]

Hi Kathi
Just checking in...wassup?

[Kathi]

Hi everyone!

Moot and Kel I did also PM you - thanks for caring!!

I'm hanging in there - many things are going on. I went to the surgeon today for my two month check up. I am going to have to go back to the hospital and be put under anesthesia so that he can manipulate my knee and break through the scar tissue (I've been referring to this procedure as snapping my knee but people shiver when I say that!).

He doesn't need to cut, he will just put me out and with his hands, manually bend my knee past where I am able to do it. I guess what happened is I healed inside too quickly and I'm not able to break up the scar tissue myself with the physical therapy. They are suppose to call me to let me know when, I only hope it's very soon because I'm getting quite antsy to get back to work. He said no work yet, we have to get my leg working first. I'm in the third month of recovery and he said that is when it will show how I'm going to be doing further down the road. He said some people are stiff and he can tell my examination that they will break through it. After examining me, he said I am stiff and I will not be able to break through it without his help. It's very frustrating, but I'm really glad they are going to do this because it should help me move forward.

It's been weird without the cat here because she was always in the bedroom (did not play well with my two cats). But I have to admit it is nice not to have to put a plastic cover over the bed because she would pee on the bed. My partner is okay I guess.

We are barely talking to each other. We have an appointment with the counselor on Thursday and I'm just so over this at this point. We have been together 9 years and I've been trying hard the last 4 to be supportive and I just can't do it anymore - my mental health is starting to suffer. Having the surgery was the real test to see if she would pony up and make an effort. She has not. She sleeps 12-14 hours a day, gets up and sleeps on the chair, couch or wherever she lands. I do everything and I shouldn't be on my feet that much. Tonight I cleaned my kitchen and washed the floor - I couldn't stand it anymore becaue the floor had not been washed since before my surgery 9 weeks ago. I feel bad because she is manic and I know it's hard for her, but I'm really resentful because she just isn't even making an effort when I really need her. So I'm very nervous about Thursday!

On a positve note, I have met very wonderful people at my home Sunday morning meetings. A whole group of wonderful lesbians who are accepting of everyone. I went to a cookout on Sunday (solo) and had so much fun - they invited me out that night but I needed to go home and rest. It's really odd for me to go out and socialize and have fun - I haven't done that in years and forgot how nice it could be. So I feel extremely fortunate and grateful that I'm hooking up with really supportive people both in person and on line here.

Well, I'll stop my ramblings for now and post the big book quote for tomorrow!

Hugs and stuff
Kathi

[Dan]

Kathi.

[MootPoint]

kathi. Thank God for your meeting! It'll give you a bit of sanity amongst the insanity. I also know this from personal experience.

Be careful with the pain meds your doctor gives you!

Boy, I'm not looking forward to having my knees done!

[KelKel]

Kathi
Great to hear from you.
I wish I lived closer so I could help you out. I am there in spirit.
In Prescott I used to go to a gay/lesbian meeting I loved it. I am not a lesbian but I need to be around people who open minded and more progressive in their thinking. If ya know what I mean?
Love Ya...