Lately I have been weird.

[Bdiesel]

Theese past few days I have been kind of challenging myself inside my head,

it is kind of like a battle between both good and evil. Honestly it sucks, half

the time I never share about it at meetings, because I project to much, I try

minnimize it, and push it in the back of my head, bah but there is this red

little crap, with smoke coming out of his ears, and fire threw the nose, with

little beadie eyes, while this little serene thing on my other shoulder. One has

a rocket launcher, the other has a squirt gun. That is what it feels like,

I hope the guy with the squirt gun wins. Anyway, I tend to think I can

handle things on my own, which I know is not true , but the beast wants

me to beleive it so he can resurface. I don't want him to! I won't let him!

I feel I should start talking about it, I have a little over 3 months clean and

people in the fellowship tell me early sobriety sucks, I agree. I was told

to endure it, and it shall get better, and I am going to I will not let this win.

I want to see a clear view of the other side. And one more thing my lack of

self-esteem keeps picking on me. =/

Thanks for letting me share
-Bruce

[mackat]

hi bruce
sure. Some days is a funk. but the longer i hung in clean and sober, the more i could affirm myself for doing this. And the more i get into the step work, the more progress i could detect in myself. Often, i couldn't see it until someone else remarked on it, but i too, had incredibly low self esteem- this all took time, understand, and patience? well, not high on my list of past behvior!!!
you are doing it like i had to do it- sharing pain when its pain.
Reaching out sure helped me get outta me- you are gaining ESH each day- are you sharing what you have with the newbie?
keep posting
big affirmations for doing what we're doing!!!
mackat

[Kathi]

Hi Bruce -

I will have 90 days on Thursday. I went to my "home" meeting yesterday and let loose like never before. With several traumas all occuring within a three day period I just about lost it. I wasn't going to go to the meeting and really debated right up to the last second. But I went and started my sharing my saying "Hi, I'm Kathi and a very ungrateful recovering alcoholic".

I learned something from a person who shared the week before that you can be honest even if it's not what people want to hear. I always think I need to be upbeat and you don't. I pitched a childs temper tantrum yesterday and no one looked at me like I was an ogre - they listened and they gave me tons of encouragement.

Was I grateful at the end of the meeting? Nope - but that was okay because I got it out and I can still go on the faith that other people have made it and I'll get there too. Right now I still have to trust everyone that I need to not drink and go to meetings and I will feel better some day.

Thanks for sharing your feeling!
Kathi

[ted]

THANKS KATHI,RIGHT NOW,GO TO MTGS,TRUST IT WILL GET BETTER.
KEEPS ME GOING.HOPE ...........ted

[Bdiesel]

Thx for the ESH, guys and gals, im heading over to a meeting now, I'll keep

everyone posted on how it goes.

-Bruce

[Bdiesel]

Yea I am a little late on replying, but the meeting today was about gratitude.

I got something out of it, made me realize how ungrateful I used to be in my

addiction. So I have gratitude for that and many many other things as well.

Family, my god, the rooms, so many things. I am hitting another speaker

meeting tonight so that should be really good.

[MootPoint]

It does get better, Bdiesel. It takes time........ which i'm sure you're tired of hearing.

You're also probably tired of hearing..... "Keep going to meetings", which is what I'm going to say.

Kathy sez....

Right now I still have to trust everyone that I need to not drink and go to meetings and I will feel better some day

you will. It's hard as H@ll now, but it does get better.

I have periods of "ungrateful as h@ll" but it passes. As a matter of fact, I'm going through one right now........but I know it will pass.

[Ninerfan]

You've got to stay busy if you want to stay sober. It is not enough to just go to meetings. We need a sponsor, when your ready, we need to study the Big Book and the 12 x 12, and we need to hang with sober people. Most of all we have to work the steps. This is an action program with spedific things we must do. If you work, to the best you can everyday. Go to school? Do your best there. Get phone numbers and use them. Dont wait for someone o call you, call them. Find people you can talk to and open up. Ask questions. Dont presume you have anything made.

This is what I did. I wanted what the promises offered. To get them the BB says I have to stop drinking and work the first nine steps, so that is what I did. I'm working 10, 11, and 12 now which is basicallly the first nine on a daily basis. We have to go after this thing until we get it. And after we get it we have to continue to improve to keep it. Got it? LOL

[Bdiesel]

Thanks for all the insight everyone, helps me and continues to help me.

I have a sponsor , I use him constantly, but I tend to take things to the max,

I usually want an answer, but I am starting to realize, certain things like

I don't need to know why, and am beginning to do things without question.

That is a huge step for me ^_^ I am the intellectualizing guru or something.

Honestly, I just beleive my higher power will do for me what I couldn't do

for myself, I strongly beleive that, there is so many messengers in my life, I

can't ask for anything more. I am 18 years old, and I have been

floating around the rooms for the past year and a halfish, and guess what?

bruce's way dosen't work, at all, it's either BB's way, or the highway.

Some days just suck, and other's I can't ask for more, but one thing that

keeps me focused, is that my worst day sober, is better than my best day

in my addiction. That is a fact! I am clinging onto the rooms with dear life,

and the people in the fellowship, it warms my heart knowing that people

out there are actually willing to help ME! wow, astonishing, and with

helping me, they help theirselves, wow. The most important thing I ever

learned in my previous treatment facility's, is that I , don't know a damn

thing about living life on lifes terms. I truly don't know how to deal with

bruce, now I have a choice, sure I can make decisions, but it's the action

that counts, am I doing my will, or god's will? I constantly ask myself that,

most of the time it's mine, but I am becoming more aware of myself, and

my thinking. I refuse to let my emotions control me anymore, because

they can change at any point of the day, if I choose to change them.

Sure I can sit here and keep telling myself, BAH THIS SUCKS BOO HOOO.

No, I will not pity myself, I try and make the best of every situation, and

almost 75% of the time, I come out ok, as long as I am OK, it's worth it.

Last thing I will say for now, yesterday I was driving around, and I saw

a few of the old associates of mine. Sitting on a bench nodding. I thought

to myself, well, nobody will know if I just use once, bah why not. "paused"

I sat and watched, the whole freaking world will know, what do you mean

noone? why? because I know dang well I won't stop at just 1, nooo nooo

not bruce. Then I laughed at the beast within just lurking around waiting,

waiting to strike. I and I alone can let him strike, but I have NO desire to let

him arise. None whatsoever, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Whoch, sorry for going bananas ehh, prime example of incomplete thoughts, eh? I'm bruce and im an alcoholic thanks for letting me share.

[mackat]

heh bruce
what incomplete thoughts?- they were perfectly understood by this addict!! and well done too.
cool
way cool...
mackat

[Kathi]

Hey Bruce,

I agree with Mackat - you have tremendous insight into yourself and your addiction - something you wouldn't have if you weren't sober!

Great share -

-Kathi