Kathleen41

Feeling melancholy. Still much work to be done rebuilding my damaged family. My mental clarity is improving, and my family members are still very sick. None are in Alanon, my husband went to 3 meetings and now, with the slightest provocation, goes on tirades about how he's not in a 12 step program, and he's not the one with problems. Alcoholism creates such dysfunctional relationships. I can easily become fearful that things will never improve.

My husband and I had a terrible argument Monday night, that followed into Tuesday. I calmly told him he was free to leave if he was that unhappy, so he did. He's staying at a hotel. The next day I emailed him a request to go to counseling. He won't. Then he told me to get myself unscrewed quickly, or else!! And that he was going to resent me for kicking him out for a very very long time.

That's enough about the back and fourth. We haven't spoken since Tuesday, or Emailed/texted since yesterday afternoon. I called and texted today, just to say Hi, love you, but he won't reply.

It's frustrating. I'm doing well in my career / new job. I'm doing well in my AA program. I'm still not doing so well on these relationships at home. And I haven't even gotten into stuff going on with my 16yo son!! The AAs keep telling me "your doing the all the right things, your doing so well, things are going to get better." I believe them...I think...

Soberpotamus

Kathleen, it sounds like me and my husband! It's at least how we were about two months ago. So similar! He said exactly the same to me about him not being screwed up at all... That its all me. Ugh. I barely know how to process that because on the one hand I agree! But then I can see how things were so quickly thrown off balance for him when I got sober and suddenly got my wits about me again. And boy my brain was firing quickly! Lol. I don't think he was prepared for a massive change. So... I can see how confused spouses can be. And very resentful! And it's all understandable. I just had to focus on not making a major change (divorce) and focus on sobriety. Still doing this and some days it's terribly hard when I panic and wonder... Omg are we growing apart or mismatched? Those thoughts do go through my mind. But on the bright side, I am getting to really know him! And I like a lot about him! Lol... And that's scary to realize... That I married a guy before establishing firm sobriety and now I hope to goodness I didn't make a mistake. I think for me it's about just relaxing and living in the here and now... Trying to accept him with his flaws, accept myself and my flaws... And realize we are both human, not superhumans. And just to see where it all goes...

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

paul99

I was separated from my wife for about 6 months after I hit my (hopefully) last bottom. She kicked me out of the house while she focused on raising our young boy and coming to terms with what had happened. I too was doing well in my program, I was starting to change, and I got a great job (that I still have today). So what gave with her wigging out and getting all huffy and emotional? Couldn't she see that I'd changed?

Hmmmm. I failed to see what it was like from her point of view. To whit: she had no idea that she was married 16 years to an alcoholic. I kept that secret from her. I kept other things secret from her. I endangered my life and our son's life. I was unfaithful. I lied, cheated and stole. I was in detox and treatment. I had manipulated and deceived her for much of our life together. So, after 6 months of me "doing well", how could I even imagine that she would rebound just as easily? Why would I expect her to get over things, or get well or whatever other expectations I put on her? She was reeling over a whole life of deception by the man who supposedly loved her and cherished her and respected her and acted otherwise.

So I had to see that the separation was important - for us both to reset our switches and go into our lives with a new way of looking at things. I had to allow her to have her reactions, to question me on things, to get some sort of balance and closure (so to speak) for herself. I had to stop making it about me, and look how great I am doing, etc. I had to change my focus and see how she saw things. And frankly, I don't know if I would have gone back to her if things were the other way around. So I am doubly grateful for our marriage now.

I can tell you from my own experience that this took time. Trust. Patience. Hard Work. A lot of cleaning up. A lot of demonstration of wanting to be there and present in the relationship. And faith. Faith that things will be where they need to be. Relationships have taken me longer to repair than I wanted them to. What a surprise...me wanting something now and in my favour...ha ha.

Continue to work your program. Do the little things to show that you are willing to commit, if that be your wish. We can't control our partners, but we can control our reactions to them and their own reactions.

I wish you the best...I know how hard this gets at times.

Jeni26

Hi Kathleen.

My situation was different in that we are both alcoholics who quit together last year. Last May, things were at crisis point. I had been sober for a few months and he had continued drinking recklessly, deliberately trying to sabotage my sobriety. When I relapsed, everything was at that point where it could easily have gone either way. His bags were packed.

Somehow and I'm not sure how as I was drunk and hungover, we sort of clung together and decided to try and make it work.

I, being a typical alcoholic, wanted it to be fixed immediately. As far as I could see, we had made that commitment to sobriety and to each other, and that was all there was to it....bring on the romantic 'sail into the sunset' ending...hmm. Well obviously that didn't happen. We were like a couple of teenagers who had no idea how to have a healthy mature relationship. We'd drunk all our problems away. We didn't have a clue what to do to manage conflict or stress or even a difference of opinion. When we first quit, H was angry at the world and that was difficult for me. Why wasn't he happy? Was that my fault? I was worried for him and resentful that he wasn't following MY plan for how things should be!

It has taken time Kathleen. And an acceptance that I can't make things better for others necessarily. I've worked on myself and my sobriety. I'm making my amends to my family by being the best wife and mum I can be, but I'm not responsible for how they feel. It is all working out now the way it is meant to. We are really happy now. I'm in AA. He isn't. We are both sober and life is good.

I hope things work out the way they are meant to for you too x

Kathleen41

Yep, I'm not responsible for how he feels, although he keeps telling me I am. I'm also to blame for his actions, I made him leave. He is still not home. We haven't actually spoken since Tuesday. Gotta love texting!! We've actually barely texted until today.

I know he is hurting, I know he is sick, I'm trying to understand. He is unwilling to own any part of it, he is not even responding to requests for couples therapy or any type of help. He ignores my requests that he suggest a solution. I guess we'll wake up one day and everything will be perfect!!

I went to an Alanon meeting today, hoping to learn how to accept him and my son for how they are, stop trying to change and manipulate people, you know "Live and let live" stuff. We talked about fear, and faith as a solution. I just need to live in today.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me.

Soberpotamus

I tried to get my husband to leave twice within the first 45 days of sobriety... and I think I even tried a third time, though half-heartedly. My husband, like yours, also blames me for a few things he's done and said... and though I explain to him that we are each responsible for our own actions, he still kind of clings to the blame game. I come from a psych background though, and have read oodles of self-help books and such... he simply doesn't have the kind of insight I do about these things anyway. But all that to say... the more I leave him alone, the less I get in his face about it, and the more I do the next right thing... and make the best choices for me that day, for sobriety... it seems like he is blaming less, and has less to blame me for... I even got the beginnings of an apology from him for something that was done several months ago... though he's yet to go into counseling with me, I think he's very close to it... but to be honest, I don't know that we really need couples counseling at this point... I think things are somehow spontaneously getting better. I know that sounds vague, but I think time really can heal.

KeyHeart

I'm right there with you. I made a lot of mistakes. But I'm still not only being punished for what I did do, I'm being punished for things I HAVEN'T done. I come home from a meeting to immediate accusations of drug use and infidelity. He flaunts his prescribed narcotics to me, taunting me out of stupidity and spite. Meanwhile I'm told by his family how proud he is of my recovery, he counts days with me. That floored me. He's a duplicitous, immature, spoiled princess.
However, despite all that, I leave him alone except to point to the door and tell him I'm not trapping him here. I hate him to death.
I have A LOT of resentment to work on.
I don't know, I'm sorry I can't offer useful advice, but you are not alone.

artsoul

It's sounds like you're doing the very best you can (and doing really well at it!), which is all any of us can do. It's a shame that your husband isn't even open to your request for counseling..... it makes it pretty hard to work on a relationship when there's only one person doing the work.

Maybe being out of the house, he'll have a chance to think about things..... One way or the other, if you stay sober, it really will work out for the best.

Tommyh

from the family Afterward,1st edition
a few things I use to help me stay on the right track

this first one reminds me all will not be a bed of roses,that we all have been damaged by my drinking and insane behavior in the past.

“Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.” Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle.


a wise old sponsor I used to have said to me,any sobriety which don`t include my family ain`t much sobriety.I did a lot to make my family the way they are,and I am NOT to blame them at all.The blame game must be dropped right away.
Blame started fusses and fights in my house.
.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.


and my present sponsor showed me this prayer,which he calls the Family Prayer

So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.


and last,a few slogans have helped me out at times too

First Things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It.

these are a few things that have helped me at home
I hope the best for you and your family

Kathleen41

Thank you Tommy for the input. I do try hard to keep it in perspective, considering the damage I've done; some days it's easier than others!!

Tommyh

a guy I sponsor came over this morning.We covered step 12,working with others.It contains some sensible things concerning our families and others.Just thought I would throw this out there

muvinon

If it makes you feel any better, I sobered up...alone. I had some of the same feelings, but there was no family around, really.

I think it is just part of facing wreckage. Today, my relationship with my son is better than I deserve, for sure. It's really fun and loving.

I face the same challenges single in building a life that is satisfying. What helps me alot is to remember not to make it too hard.

A little of this, a day focused on that, some work, some play, some recovery friend time, some step work, definitely some time with God....

and it adds up to a pretty good life.

Kathleen41

Yea, we just finished reading step 12 in my home group step study meeting. I was surprised that there was so much on relationships. I was sitting there thinking "How is this about the 12th step? Whats this got to do with carrying the message?" Then I realized it's about practicing these principles in all of our affairs, a real AhHa moment!! I'm such a genius!

He finally came home Saturday. He was hung over. We had a long discussion. I am always quick to conceed to my many shortcomings. But there comes a time when you stop paying for stuff you already bought!! Furthermore, I will no longer apologize for things I'm not sorry for, and other people pleasing behaviors I have always engaged in. I had to confront his many attempts to control my feelings and thoughts. I had to tell him he has stated the same request for an apology and a promise 5 times, while also telling me that it won't be good enough and he will still be resentful. These are shaming and controlling behaviors!!

Anyway, I spoke my truth, I also admitted to my faults. In the end he shared some things about his childhood that I didn't know; this shed much light on why he was so upset. You see some of this is my fault, but it ain't all my fault!! I don't have to own all the hurts and bad behavior of my loved ones. I must be patient with myself and everyone else. I am learning how to handle situations that used to baffle me, and healthy relationships is is one of them!

grammydeb

what a beautiful and heartfelt share
I spent my first year in AA keeping the seat luke warm
I would not follow directions and all I did was **** and moan about my then husband and his drinking
the good folks in my home group kept pointing out I was the one in AA, not Bob, but I kept on until I finished killing my marriage
he told me he wanted a divorce and that was that
and I do not blame him one bit
it took a long time to see this and by then it was too late for us
I was always good at everything being about me, my feelings and what I wanted
AA is not for me to be at the top of the list there are other feelings of other people involved
the Family Afterwards is a good chapter in the big book
again, I loved your share

Kathleen41

Thanks grammydeb for sharing your experience. A second divorce is not on my to do list!!