Charmie

really insitent Jeni? i would question this....the lady that took me through steps wouldnt have been insitent that i do anything....she just showed me what she did...and when i went to her with problems she shared her experience..

BUT.......this lady has helped you from day one and probably knows you very well and could have a big point about it being self-centred fear.....only you can answer that...and in time...doing what youve been doing you will.....i know that.

there is no pre-requisit that top tables are a must...in fact some of the most God-less expereinces i have had have been listening to top table shares...lol..

you helped a newcomer...THATS IT.......thats all that is required of you to carry the message...i still hate sharing sometimes and believe me...i know what to do with self-centred fear....

if you are a nervous wreck and shaking in meetings and this lady is pressuring you to share......i find this a little distasteful.

but please jeni...try and get your coin )) youve worked hard for it and dont let any fear you have mar the joy of your first year birthday....if you dont want to share you dont want to share...and any problem your sponsor has with that is her sh!t....my first year birthday was probably the best day of my life....and you are missing out on that joy because of this getting so big?????

Charmie

my experience in the past is that i have been driven by ego in wanting sponsees to share.................."shes one of mine" kinda thing....puke..

is this YOUR stuff Jeni? in which case you know what do do.......or
is it your sponsors stuff?...in which case you just say no.....thats it.

Jeni26

Thank you everyone, your replies mean a lot.

Charmie-I don't think there are any other motives apart from her wanting to get me over this thing. She has always encouraged me to share, especially if there are newcomers in the group. She says my words help those just starting out, and often hit home more than from those who have been in sobriety a long time. I don't know why that is. She is honestly one of the most selfless people I've ever met. She works long hours and comes straight to meetings without having eaten. She is secretary, looks after the finances, manages the literature and finds the shares. It is such a small group and would have folded long ago without her tireless efforts. I help with the refreshments and setting/clearing up, and pick up those who can't drive there as its a bit remote. I have the utmost respect for her.

I believe she thinks I could help others if I shared more, and it would help with my confidence. She does know me very well and understands my issues.

I think this is why I'm struggling so much with this. I feel so guilty for not being able to follow her lead with the sharing.

I am really happy to take on as many jobs as I need to, to give out my number to newcomers, to talk with them on the phone, to go round and spend time with them. I haven't sponsored anyone yet, but I would do if I was asked...I think.

But I just don't want to share for more than a few minutes at a time. I feel overwhelmed at the thought. Years ago I had a complete phobia about presenting school assemblies and I had hypnotherapy. That has got easier over the 30 years I've been doing it, but I still hate it!

There isn't going to be a quick fix with this. I just don't want it to overshadow everything else, when everything else is going so very well x

artsoul

I can relate with your fears of speaking (and the guilt, too!). The way I feel about it is that it's your day, so get that chip and do it the way you want to.

Maybe you just want to thank your sponsor and/or your home group. You could have a sentence memorized and ready to go. Or.... write down a couple thoughts and read them. Or not! Just my opinion, but you've worked hard for your sobriety and deserve to enjoy receiving that chip.

Jeni26

Thanks artsoul, and it's lovely to see you back and posting. I hope you are well x

This is about so much more than my year coin, I'm really ok with not getting that. The year milestone will also be a celebration for my H who has stayed sober without any support group whatsoever and we will do something nice together. Not sure what yet, but it marks such a change for us both and wont be centred on AA because that was mine and not shared.

I guess I will just try and stop putting so much of my energies into worrying about this. The public speaking thing is just a part of AA and what it means to me. Maybe I will overcome it in time and maybe I won't but my meetings mean so much to me, I really don't want to let them go completely.

Thanks for all your wise words everyone, they mean a lot x