deeker

I am so emotional tonight. I know of a girl who isn't sure if she is an alkie, and she has a small child. She drinks vodka and doesn't realize that this is hurting her son, or the danger she is putting him in. He's 5.

It brought up such painful memories of my son when he was a little guy. he is now 22. I thought he was fine even though I was a complete drunk/addict. I thought I was a good mother. I thought because his physical needs were met that he was ok. But he needed me and I wasn't there emotionally, I was drunk, I was in blackouts.

All I cared about was myself, my house, my car, my boat. I spent more time maintaining stuff then I did my relatiosnship with my little boy, when all that stuff meant nothing to him, he just wanted time with his Mommy.

Today I have lost all that stuff, the boat, the truck, the house and all I want is to spend time with my boy who is all grown up, but now that he is an adult all he cares about is his carreer, and stuff.

It reminds me of the song The Cats in The Cradle. I am so sad today!

If you have a drinking problem, and a little boy or girl, please don't minimize your drinking and drugging and the effects it has on your liitle one. They will be forever scarred. I will never get those years back, never. And he will never get them back either.

tomsteve

good on ya for opening up and getting emotional. thats what sobriety does to us. nothin worng with it,either.
time to talk to God. isnt His grace awesome!?!?!?!

CaiHong

Deeker,

That is a great post. I wonder if I had read that earlier on in my drinking life would it have made a difference. I hope whoever reads this takes note of this warning.

I could totally relate to what you are saying. I still need to make amends to my son. I feel so guilty and ashamed of having to put him through that.

But I am sober now and here for him and his family. I am making living amends. I am so grateful that today I can help look after my grandkids.


Deeker you will have your chance to make your living amends with your son.

Love
CaiHong

deeker

Thank You Cai, Your kind words are just what I needed to start my day! Love deek

LexieCat

You know, Deek,

Some of that stuff is a product of his age, too. At 22, people are barely out of their teens, and they still revert to teenaged behavior. Your relationship with him won't be the same as when he was little--you're right, that opportunity is past. BUT as you continue to stay sober, available, and reliable, and as he matures and realizes that adults like parents really do have their own problems and struggles, your relationship will probably warm up. He may turn to you when he has his own struggles as someone who has learned to face problems and make her own life better.

artsoul

When we're in the throes of this disease, we really don't see what it does to our relationships. Just know that you're not the only parent who looked back and wished they had done differently (I'm raising my hand here!).....

There are some positives here, too. Going through this has made me appreciate so much more how precious my children are and how nice it is to be connected again. What Lexie said about your son's age is true - give him a few years..... My son is 29 now (getting married next month) and we're closer than ever.

Don't be hard on yourself - you're sober today and that mean the future is full of possibility!

Tommyh

ty Deeker,I went thru some of that in the past also.
Just because we was like that once dosen`t mean we have to be like that the rest of our lives.Besides,grandchildren will come along some day hopefully and we get to do the right thing then with them

deeker

Thanks Tommy and to all for your kind words!

deeker

Thank you art for your kind words of encouragement. It means so much. ty

deeker

aww thanks Lexie, I needed that, As is he rarely comes to me with his problems and I look forward to that day when he respects my opinion. But as an alkie, I want it now!!

deeker

Yes Tomsteve and I am so happy he put u in my path!

newby1961

Hi deeker

I wanted to give another perspective. I was adopted when I was 1 years old so most of my life I have longed for that unknown mother. Then I grew up in a family that my mom was not emotionally available. She drank and later on in life even blamed me for her alcoholism. We never had much of a relationship and I took out a lot of my anger and disease out on her. Later on in life when I was in my 30's all that changed we made amends and I started seeing her as an alcoholic woman just like myself. I think age has a lot to do with understanding. I also saw she did the best that she could do and she loved me the best she could. She died 3 years ago so I guess what I want to say is never give up cause one day you will wake up and see that your relationship with you son has blossomed.
Lastly stop beating yourself up you did enough of that when you were in active addiction. There are a whole lot of horror stories of moms out there and I am sure you are nowhere in that category.
God forgives you now all you have to do is forgive you.
Take care and remember

paul99

yup, raising my hand here too. I could have killed my little guy driving drunk with him in the backseat. By the Grace of God nothing happened, and I was brought to the rooms of AA where I learned about amends, direct and indirect, and I was able to straighten things out with the little one. He doesn't have to see his dad drunk, or drinking "stinky wine" (as he called my vodka) any more. But the biggest thing for me deeker was when I finally forgave myself for all my past actions. I had been struggling with what you mention here for a long time...and one day I sat down, felt God's presence, had me a good man cry, and felt it lifted from me. This was after amends - I still hadn't forgiven me. And with that, came a realization that yes, even though things could have been worse, and things were bad at times, I am not defined by those days. My relationship with my boys is a day to day, moment to moment thing, and if I am stuck in the past, nothing gets accomplished today. I ****** today because of something that I can't undo.

I hope you are feeling better today.

deeker

I sure hope so, he doesn't hate me I don't think but I wish we were closer. He kinda lost respect for me over the years. He's pretty good to me but I know he hurts still and has bad memories. thanks for you support!

deeker

Thank you Paul, I did have that cry the other night. I thought I had forgiven myself but I guess I am still working on that. None of this came up in my 4th and 5th step. My sponsor says it's like I am peeling an onion getting down to this stuff and perhaps I wasn't ready to face those emotions then. So here it goes, another 4th and 5th step. Wonderful! Thanks for your love and support! Always good to see you Paul