Veritas1

My sponsor told me yesterday that I have become a recluse.

n. A person who withdraws from the world to live in seclusion and often in solitude.

adj. Withdrawn from the world; reclusive.

I have heard people say alcoholism is the disease of isolationism.

I also read tradition one long form last night, and realized I am not one of many.

I hide.

Has anyone had this experience of hiding. Of fear of people?

How did you begin to trust again?

To rejoin the human race...

Thank you.

sugarbear1

I started by trusting in myself through working the steps of recovery.

Alcoholism is a disease of perception. We treat our loneliness with isolation.....

2granddaughters

By stepping out of my comfort (discomfort) zone and committing to regular meetings.

Getting involved in my group and honoring my commitments.

Buddy up with someone who attends regularly and follow them to meetings. It's easier with a friend.

Get into AA service work !! That will cure you !! Ask your sponsor to volunteer you to speak at neighboring groups.

Regular attendance and working the Steps, you will realize that "God is doing for you what you cannot do for yourself"

Soon... old bad habits will become new good habits. When I develop a new habit, doing the right thing is a lot easier.

All the best, V

Bob R

Gal220

This definition definitely applies to me today also. I am naturally introverted, and have always found it difficult to navigate social norms. I don't know what my role is with friends, families, acquaintances, AA members, so I often don't know what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior. I vascillate between being withdrawn and being clingy. I always believed getting married would solve this problem of perpetual loneliness. But I even isolate in my marriage.

At this point, I have to do the things that I know are right, that I don't want to do. I don't want to go to meetings, but I do because I know they help me get out of myself. I don't want to call my sponsor, but I do because that demonstrates my willingness to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I don't want to be with my church, friends, or family, but I do because if I'm by myself I'm only thinking of myself. Sometimes this is very difficult. Sometimes it takes every ounce of energy I have just to sit there in the presence of other people.

I'm hoping that navigating social norms and being able to be in true, honest relationships with the people I love are some of those "baffling" situations that I'll intuitively know how to handle after working the steps.

Veritas1

Thank you everyone.

Thank you Bob.

I looked up the area AA site last night and considered all of the home groups and meetings in the area.

I have been to them before.

I think the hard part is when you have to go back and be around people that seem like hypocrites to you.

I know it's not all the people.

I think though after you have been burned by so many people...(my perception),....that one tends to say...been there, done that...no thanks.

I don't like that I trusted and was discarded so easily.

I think I looked at aa like church and that these people would be like family, would be my friends.

I tell too much, then regret it.

I trust and then they never speak to me again.

I think...see? No one reeeally cares.

Stay to self.

I am not a recluse...I don't think.

Just because I don't go to public meetings, doesn't mean I cannot follow the AA way of life.

SR is my home group...I feel at this point.

It's really the only place I have been accountable and interacting for the last years. I try to be as honest as I can be here.

I do go on vacations, and out shopping and interacting in the world daily.

I don't get where the recluse part comes in to play, unless she was just saying with regard to AA...but I think she meant it as a whole person.

I guess I could just talk to her about it, and tell her I don't think that assessment is right.

Fernaceman

Omg YES I can relate, veritas. A fear of people judging me is what it comes down to. Creates a paralyzing irrational fear.

Example: me fearing going to get some cavities filled today because that means people will be looking inside my mouth and I am extremely self conscious of myself cause I have been smoking and they will be able to tell and judge me that I have bad teeth and am gross and disgusting because of maybe some tobacco stains on my teeth....

REALLY??? Who cares? I sure shouldn't. I don't see these people daily...they are a big part of my life...

That's one example lmao!

Forlily

You have to learn how to make friends all over again. It is a different way to be social when there is no alcohol. I use exercise, but that might be just another substitute. Not sure what works, but know that if you keep trying you will find your way. May God accompany you on your road(if thats what you want) and remember we are thinking of you!!

tomsteve

"How did you begin to trust again?"
i quit playing God. it didnt work.

Veritas1

^^...Do you mean...I have to stop judging? That has come up for me in the last two days.

I am at fault for judging, and I assume it's going to be bad, so it's bad.

With that attitude...I make it bad, before it had a chance to be good.

I will try to quit playing God today!

Thank you! Day 5

Sasha4

If I could never socialise again I would be happy.
I like being on my own with my daughter.

I have to though for two reasons

1. Work
2. Existing friends would feel let down on occasions like their birthday for example.

My ways of coping are

1. I have 'safe' people.
These are people who I trust, their companionship is easy. It does not matter what I say, how I dress, how I look etc. I like spending time with them. If I have isolated for a long time then I start off with these people to ease me back into being a 'sociable' person.

2. Fake it
At work, I fake it until I make it.
I don't act over the top confident as that is not me. I just try and concentrate and get the job done. I smile, I am polite, I am pleasant. I usually let others lead the conversation.

3. I try to arrange meetings with friends in small groups or one to one. I go to non threatening places like out for a coffee in a coffee shop.

Do you feel happy being a recluse or did you not realise you were? Do you think she is right?

paul99

I was a big ball of fear, and had an answer to everything, judged everything and everyone, over-thought everything, lived in my head 24/7, never thought of helping a soul unless it helped me in the end.

I had to take the actions as laid out in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. I had to drag my sorry butt to meetings I didn't want to go to, talk to people I had no interest in talking to, share with people I was too busy judging, and listen to a sponsor I thought I wouldn't like at the get go. I had to walk through these fears and judgments or else I was going to die a slow alcoholic death.

I had to take a lot of chances in opening up and trusting. I didn't like it. I needed to be dragged kicking and screaming into my recovery and I am glad I was. Or I wouldn't be here.

Veritas1

I think she is right with regard to preferring to not get close to anyone...preferring to be alone.

I have a family. A husband and a child. I am not alone.

I can be out in the world shopping, etc.

I guess I just fear people.

Again, I think she means why I don't attend public AA.

Gal220

I don't believe that only interacting with my husband and child is being a member of society. That's being a member of my family. As a mother, it's my job to teach my daughter how to function in society - how to make friends, do selfless things for others, place others before myself, live in a community. It's incredibly difficult for me, but my isolation is only harmful to myself, my husband, and my child in the long run. Simply going out into the world to shop, eat, get gas, pay my bills, etc. is not interacting with other people. Some of my times of greatest solitude have been in the midst of crowds of people.

I have to consider what has worked for me in the past and what hasn't. Relapse would be a HUGE signal to me to stop and consider the fact that what I was doing before wasn't working for me. I know that isolation, no matter the motive, leads me to thoughts of drinking and interferes with my relationship with my Higher Power and my family.

And I've discovered the hard way that fear is never a good reason to do anything.

Gal220

Sorry for the double post, I didn't see this until after I had posted. I think you may be arguing over semantics here. Just like many people argue over the definition of an "alcoholic" as a way to make an excuse for not seeking sobriety, I think you may be arguing about the definition of "recluse" in order to justify your actions. It has nothing to do with AA meetings, but everything to do with how you live your life. The main questions to ask yourself are, "Is my isolation working for me?", "Am I happy and sober?"

Mark75

Are you happy, getting recovered and all? If so, then stay the course... The AA fellowship will always be there for you if you want it again.

If you are not happy, not successful in recovery, then maybe look at this again.

To thine own self be true...

Veritas1

Thank you

I went out in the world today. Post office, grocery shopping. I don't feel fearful. I look people in the eye. I feel confident. I say hello. I smile. I chit chat.

Maybe I just don't want to let people get too close again.

I don't want to have them pry.

I don't want the gossip.

I don't want obligation.

I don't want the judgement I fear they have for me.

I remain somewhat aloof...at a distance.

I control it. How much I want to interact.

I protect myself this way.

I think.

Thank you for the wise replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts.

I am carefully considering all and agree....how has my way of life affected my sobriety?

CaiHong

Veritas,
I really believe the longer that I am sober and follow the program the less fear I have. Nothing is changing but my perception, I wouldnt sweat it now, just get on with your program and sobriety hand it over to God.
I wish I could express it better this is the best I can do. The only thing I care about is you getting sober.

Love
CaiHong

paul99

I could have written this a while back myself. Everything you said was exactly what I said and thought. I still have times of difficulty opening up and letting others in, but I am opening up nonetheless.

I had to let go of my old ideas of what people's intentions were. I always thought people were there to "get me", to get a leg up on me, to somehow get something on me to hold over me, to dominate me, to fish for something to use against me. These were just a mere handful of things I thought of others, so if you made the mistake of asking "Hi Paul, how are you?" I immediately recoiled and thought (and sometimes said) "what do you want from me?!". It became instinctive and was a defense. Oh sure I had my moments at the grocery store or subway where I could pleasantly chat, but they were fleeting.

When I got sober, I was very much alone. I am an introvert by nature and being alone is something that I have always enjoyed (still do), but man was I lonely. I always was. I had pushed away everyone I loved and cared about. I had to learn to trust. I had to learn to take a leap of faith and believe that not everyone was out to get me. My first relationship in that direction was with my Higher Power. Then my sponsor. Then some of the men in the fellowship. Baby steps. I felt safe in the meetings. I started to look people in the eye. I didn't mumble. Baby steps. But the greatest shift happened as I realized that no one was out to hurt me purposely. As soon as I felt that, I was really able to get out of my shell more and see that people weren't the burden I thought they were, they weren't there to suck the life out of me. They actually added to my life - what a concept! I learned from them, I laughed with them, I saw value in others because I started to see value in myself. That was the turning point.


And lastly, my real question was how has my sobriety affected my life? Deeply, fully, madly.

muvinon

Fear of people began to leave me as I worked the steps.....particularly step 9. I felt then a huge sense of shame and guilt leave, and I could hold my own again among people.

I just felt better, and I know that showed in my attitudes towards others.

Veritas1

Thank you. Day 6.

I had the worst day yesterday after I came home!

I began exercising and pulled my back! Total pain from 12noon until 1am. ugh!

This morning I am feeling better.