pipparina

I need help dealing with the two senior people I work/report to. Last year was pretty miserable for me as boss #1, who I do report to, turned a lot of his responsibilities to his "enforcer" , as we all call her.

She is a serious micromanager, smart, but doesn't really understand a lot of what I do. It had made it frustrating because by proxy to him, I have to answer her stupid questions or she tell him. Mind you, he does not know the amount of work she is giving me, as he is very hands off.

This year, I really want to find a way to work with her and take the emotion out of it. I assume I need to do a fourth step, since I have such dislike and resentment toward them both. I've identified my pride, the fact that she takes my work and presents as her own which hits my ego. But it has been a long time since I've done a more formal forth step. I can usually figure out the dynamics myself and change my attitude to fit. But I'm stuck on this one

I don't go to meetings anymore, nor do I want to start just to find someone to do this with. Any other suggestions that will help me get to the root of what is triggering my reactions and how to calm those emotions?

I need to find some peace internally or I'll blow up this year

Fernaceman

Have ya looked in the big book? Great place to start again!

coraltint

I've never heard of the steps working well for someone who worked them alone. Someone to bounce ideas & feelings off of to make sure they're real....usually a sponsor. Maybe you could do a 4th by yourself & do the requisite 5th online with somebody, but why not use this impasse as a way to get (back?) into meetings? It's going to provide insight & relief....it did the first time around, right?

bbthumper

I would read pgs 66 and 67 in the Big Book.

Boleo

I agree. Doing a 4th step alone has many holes in it even if you have done one before and use the Big Book as a reference. You really need a sponsor to fill some of those holes.

In your case, I would recommend finding a BB meeting in your area known to have many sponsors. Then try to find one with some business experience. It would help to have a on-line co-sponsor but by the time you get to the 5th step - f2f will be mandatory. Although a therapist could do the job.

If all else fails, see a therapist right away.

sugarbear1

therapy tends to put blame on others; the steps help one to take responsibility

Mark75

well.... I think it would depend on the therapist/patient/situation...

Maybe inventory isn't working because, well, maybe, there is more to do... like talk to the big boss, or to the (micro)manager... this, I think, is where a sponsor, therapist, trusted friend may help you sort it out, get some perspective...

Yea, our problems are of our own making... both from commission and omission...

muvinon

I'd blow up more than just a job without meetings.

Good luck!

pipparina

Thanks for all the suggestions. I have had those talks, kept the focus on me, non-blaming. I think it is just the nature of the beast. We don't always get to work with reasonable people.

What I need to do us let go of the resentment. I'm not getting a new sponsor nor want to get back on the meeting circuit. Perhaps I posted this in the wrong forum. Surely there are some former AA'rs that have learned how to work through resentments without the need of a sponsor?

On a positive note, I've been praying for help with this, and God has never let me down before so perhaps I need to be patient.

Mark75

Prayer is good.

sugarbear1

maybe not a sponsor, but I can't always see my own behavior, so maybe talk with someone who has business experiences to share with you

TheJungianThing

Yes and no.

I've experienced situations not at all unlike this. I found objective third parties to be vital though, they were in AA and one of them was my sponsor. My tale would usually try to be "keep the focus on me" but without realizing it I'd throw in rationalization and justification - which they'd pick apart with ease. Not so much to condemn me but to get me clear.

It was a relatively long process because invariably as I tried to "do the right thing", the boss would invariably do something else to trigger yet another resentment.

Some truths brought forth by my AA brothers.

1. I couldn't afford to mess around. My wife and I had just had our first child. She was the boss. Period.End.Of.Story

2. She was a she, maybe I didn't like working for a female. I had to sit with this for awhile to see if there was some truth to this. There was, as much as I hate to admit it, some truth to it. I don't know if it was so much that she was a female as it was - she acted like she knew things she didn't and I felt it was my job to correct her. This posed a threat to her when I did so publicly. I had to cop to usurping her authority and the delusion in my mind that "She's the boss, she must be making more money than me, I deserve HER JOB". It's subtle and unconcious. But the feedback provided and inventory and prayer - revealed this things to me. I prayed to be willing to be subordinate to her - as I was - in reality.

3. Due to my unconcious methods of subversion and insubordination, she might purposefully be doing things to **** me off and get me to say the wrong thing and wind up being fired. I had a relationship with her boss and her boss' boss prior to her arriving. I had established trust with both those men, she could not necessarily overcome that, but maybe she could do something that would trigger me into reacting the wrong way. A way to get me fired. See Number 1. I couldn't afford that. I prayed and prayed. Fortunately she was pregnant at the time so I had an easy "thing" to start with. A safe, healthy, and happy delivery of her baby. I started with that, I prayed for her good fortune. I got so lost in prayer once I actually prayed she was so prosperous she didn't have to come back to work - I had a good laugh with my HP with that one, HP saw what I was up to. Hahahaha.

All this occurred when I was maintaining a "sleep" to the work from the book. I was inventorying in a very unstructured manner. Looking back, obviously my self-esteem, pocketbook, and sex relations felt threatened. I was being dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened. At the root of it was a lot of fear, pride, and envy.

I got free of the resentment and got "undisturbed", but the right course of action was finish a job, see the job through, stay true to myself and those two men I talked about and walk away from the job as a man. Not in a chicken **** way I would have in the past. Several months later, I heard, she was fired and after her more or less causing my departure and the departure of one of those men that was her boss - her "ways" were discovered. I knew God / HP had freed me from my resentment because my initial reaction and stable response was "Deep down she was a good woman, I truly hope she winds up on her feet ASAP, she has a family to support".

There was no hate and I am honest to God, telling you the truth no sense of "aha ahahahahaha".

That's HP and AA at work in my life.

Recently, I asked a fellow in my area to take me through another body of work AA style. Steps 1-9. When we talked, he came at me with a different "NON AA" approach. He recommended I read and do the exercises outlined in a book called "The Presence Process" by Michael Brown. I acquired the book and so far it looks as if it will allow me to continue to uncover, discover and integrate the things in my life that cause me live in the past, fear the future and ignore the present.

This will probably be my first endeavor at breaking from the standard "Big Book" or AA type inventory and I am not that far along to pass any worthwhile experience with it, but that's what I'm doing. It isn't as if AA doesn't work, it's just the old "I smell more" sort of deal. Our 10th Step suggests that our next function is to increase our effectiveness and understanding - presumably in all the roles of life I've been assigned. I've been feeling very ineffective of late. The last time I worked with another through Steps 1-9 was during the summer, and my 10 and 11 practices have taken a hit - in short I've been resting on my laurels. Using meditation to escape rather than maintain a spiritual connection and grow. So, anyway, this man I have admired for the past 10 years, suggested I try this. So I will.

Best of luck to you. Remember with HP, anything is possible. I know this because I could not stop drinking and I haven't had a drink since 2002 regardless of thought, euphoric recall, temptation, and even in the initial says when the compulsion was still fresh. I've seen HP work in other areas of my life and my responses/reactions to it.

No matter the format or method. Inventory, Prayer and Meditiation are criticial but I can't discount "counsel", whether it be from someone in AA or not. Often that "counsel" has also come from my wife, parents, friends outside of AA, employers, and even speakers that didn't know my story but told it.

pipparina

Jung,

Thank you. This is exactly what I was looking for. I am not poo-pooing using an objective person to help me see my side of it. I've already embarked on that. But what you wrote above is where i am. I see that:
1. She is in a position of power over me and I cannot afford to be fired, so I need to work FOR her, not against her
2. Even though I may know more about my job than she does, it doesn't matter. I have to answer her questions.
3. I do not like being micro-managed but it is her style. Revert to #1. I have to adapt to her, not her to me


There are more items I'm discovering, but what I am having trouble with is the immediate reaction when I see another email come through. I am now practicing that pause, say a prayer. Be a worker amongst workers.

I still feel there is something else triggering me on this one, but I will keep praying about it.


Again, I want to thank you sincerely for the effort you put in typing all that out. It helped me a lot.

Let me know how that book works. Maybe that is something I should look into

pipparina

Amen!

pipparina

I have been. Learning to work for someone like this is hard. I'm sure I will see the lesson revealed at some point!

paul99

That was a fantastic post, Jung. I got a lot out of it.

What you said about the "I smell more" thing and the resting on your laurels part really was important for me to read. I know because I have been there, and it's great to hear someone with long term sobriety to discuss it happening to them too. It just confirmed for me that I have to be vigilant and to not stop and say "I've done enough for now, I will kick back a bit". For this alcoholic, I need to be in motion when it comes to my recovery, or else I see my old ideas and ways slip in so effortlessly it seems.

Thanks