Need your advice on how to apply the principles - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Elisabeth888 · 12-04-2012, 08:46 AM

of AA to an issue I am having.

My Mom died of cancer two months ago and her husband is posting pictures of himself with a woman on FB.

This is bothering me. I am doing a 4th step and he is on there already and I just added him again for this.

WTF am I supposed to think and do and act like? He lives 2000 miles away.

I haven't talked to my sponsor yet about this. I will this afternoon.

bbthumper · 12-04-2012, 09:05 AM

Keep working that 4th step around this.
On p 67 there is a line in the book that says "...God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one." I find it helpful to turn that into a prayer. "God please show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of ____."

Elisabeth888 · 12-04-2012, 09:07 AM

Thank you for responding!

My list of resentments keeps growing! I am pissed off at a lot of people.

tomsteve · 12-04-2012, 09:08 AM

dont feel bad about that. i had quite a few pages.

bbthumper · 12-04-2012, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elisabeth888

Thank you for responding!

My list of resentments keeps growing! I am pissed off at a lot of people.

Good! Time to dump all that garbage. Remember "to the alcoholic this business of resentment is infinitely grave."

Thats a good lookin chocolate lab by the way! Im a sucker for a chocolate.

Elisabeth888 · 12-04-2012, 09:14 AM

Well, I guess I can look at the bright side. The drunk me would ruminate and then get crocked and sound off on facebook. And then feel like crap.

I know it is really not my business. I should not judge. My Mom even told me she told him she wanted him to get remarried. She did not want him to be alone.

I just do not approve of the time frame.

But again, it is not my business. I just need to release the resentment.

Elisabeth888 · 12-04-2012, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bbthumper

Good! Time to dump all that garbage. Remember "to the alcoholic this business of resentment is infinitely grave."

Thats a good lookin chocolate lab by the way! Im a sucker for a chocolate.

Thanks! Your labs are precious. They are my favorite dogs in the world.

cfm · 12-04-2012, 09:51 AM

Please google "The Paradoxical Commandments"..............It will help you alot.
Re: the issue you posted about, if I am understanding it correctly (please correct me if I am not) Your mom died and this man is now a widower, and has met someone else. How do you apply the principles??................Be happy for him. Let him know your happy for him (even if your not) It would be incredibly selfish of you to deny / begrudge happiness to another, when the reality of the situation is, it's really none of your business to begin with.............................Good Luck

2granddaughters · 12-04-2012, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elisabeth888

I am pissed off at a lot of people.

I realized that I was really the most pi$$ed at myself.

It sounds like your mother's husband isn't your father ... I don't know the whole story but working on your resentment for him will be very beneficial to you.

"Don't sweat the small stuff" and it sounds like he and his situation is small stuff.

All the best.

Bob R

muvinon · 12-04-2012, 11:39 AM

Yuck.....but it often happens. I've seen that more than a few times in life.

***PaperDolls*** · 12-04-2012, 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elisabeth888

I know it is really not my business. I should not judge. My Mom even told me she told him she wanted him to get remarried. She did not want him to be alone.

Yep.

Tommyh · 12-04-2012, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elisabeth888

Thank you for responding!

My list of resentments keeps growing! I am pissed off at a lot of people.

keep writing them on your list and doing the columns on them and keep praying for them
what else can we do if we want to get better

muvinon · 12-04-2012, 03:10 PM

The way I apply the principles in these types of situations is to just watch my actions. I am extra careful to be respectful. Then I deal with my own feelings and judgments with my sponsor and close AA friends.

If I'm not going to see the person much, then it's pretty easy for me to let go. If I am going to have to see the person, then it might be harder. Maybe it's a good idea to not see the person's FB postings for awhile.

Threshold · 12-04-2012, 05:02 PM

all of the above, AND...you can set your FB page so you don't see his posts. That way you and he are still friends, but his stuff won't show up unexpectedly on your feed and knock you upside the head.

Sometimes it's good for us to filter out information that isn't any of our business but that we can get all kinds of angry over. Just like the radio news...sometimes I just have to turn the channel.

sugarbear1 · 12-04-2012, 05:23 PM

Stories of Recovery

Practicing the traditions in relationships

Elisabeth888 · 12-05-2012, 05:36 AM

I am going to hide his posts. There was another pic tagged last night

I don't need to fixate on this. He went through a lot with my mom's illness and I don't know the story on this.

paul99 · 12-05-2012, 06:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elisabeth888

I am going to hide his posts. There was another pic tagged last night

I don't need to fixate on this. He went through a lot with my mom's illness and I don't know the story on this.

I think you are taking a good approach with this. We don't always know the full story, and we create one using slivers of things that we come to know as true. Whenever I did that, I found that I was completely wrong.

That is why my inventory was so critical for me to let go of things that I had no business of holding on to.

omegasupreme · 12-05-2012, 07:09 AM

I found using an extension in column 3 helped shed some more light on my false beliefs and my playing God in other's lives. This isn't for the faint of heart. I usually end up pushing the pen so hard I can read the indention on the next 8 pages or so in my notebook

COLUMN THREE

Self Esteem: I am (or see myself as):______________________________________________ ___.

Pride: No one should see the following being done to me:__________________________________________.

Ambition: What I want but think I am losing is _____________________________________________.

Emotional Security: To feel okay, I need for this person to________________________________________________ ________.

Financial Security: My financial security is threatened in this deal because_______________________________.

Relations by sex: I think women/men should____________________________________________ _______.

Personal Relations: Those close to me should see that I am___________________________________________.

COLUMN FOUR

Selfish-(I want to keep what I have, so here's how I was selfish)

Self-Seeking-(I also want what others have, so here's where I was seeking for myself rather than giving to another)

Dishonest-(The real truth is that...___________________________________________ __)
deceived him/her:________________________________________
deceived myself:_______________________________________

Fear-(What I'm really worried about or afraid of that is driving me to behave the way I'm behaving is???)

Insanity-(Here are the things about my behavior and feelings that are really insane in this deal):
__________________________________________________ _________________________

TSDD · 12-05-2012, 08:17 AM

Try to throw some continuous sober time at the problem.... it'll sort itself out. My condolences on your loss.

Be aware some people just don't like being single.

muvinon · 12-05-2012, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elisabeth888

I am going to hide his posts. There was another pic tagged last night

I don't need to fixate on this. He went through a lot with my mom's illness and I don't know the story on this.

Sane thinking there. Good going!

12-04-2012, 08:46 AM	#1 (permalink)
Elisabeth888 Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: NE GA Posts: 1,411	Need your advice on how to apply the principles of AA to an issue I am having. My Mom died of cancer two months ago and her husband is posting pictures of himself with a woman on FB. This is bothering me. I am doing a 4th step and he is on there already and I just added him again for this. WTF am I supposed to think and do and act like? He lives 2000 miles away. I haven't talked to my sponsor yet about this. I will this afternoon.

12-04-2012, 09:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
bbthumper Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Cleveland, OH Posts: 1,152	Keep working that 4th step around this. On p 67 there is a line in the book that says "...God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one." I find it helpful to turn that into a prayer. "God please show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of ____." __________________ *~BBThumper* ~All Big Book Quotes from the 1st edition A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. C. S. Lewis

12-04-2012, 09:08 AM	#4 (permalink)
tomsteve Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: northern michigan. not the U.P. Posts: 3,112	dont feel bad about that. i had quite a few pages. __________________ all big book quotes from 1st edition

12-04-2012, 09:51 AM	#8 (permalink)
cfm Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Cleveland Ohio Posts: 133	Please google "The Paradoxical Commandments"..............It will help you alot. Re: the issue you posted about, if I am understanding it correctly (please correct me if I am not) Your mom died and this man is now a widower, and has met someone else. How do you apply the principles??................Be happy for him. Let him know your happy for him (even if your not) It would be incredibly selfish of you to deny / begrudge happiness to another, when the reality of the situation is, it's really none of your business to begin with.............................Good Luck __________________ I'm a recovered alcoholic and my name is Christopher Take my advice, I'm not using now anyway.

12-04-2012, 05:23 PM	#15 (permalink)
sugarbear1 ~sb Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: MD Posts: 9,870	Stories of Recovery Practicing the traditions in relationships __________________ Someday everything will all make sense. For now, laugh at confusion, smile through tears, & remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. All Big Book quotes are from the first edition. Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

12-04-2012, 09:07 AM	#3 (permalink)
Elisabeth888 Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: NE GA Posts: 1,411	Thank you for responding! My list of resentments keeps growing! I am pissed off at a lot of people.

12-04-2012, 09:14 AM	#6 (permalink)
Elisabeth888 Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: NE GA Posts: 1,411	Well, I guess I can look at the bright side. The drunk me would ruminate and then get crocked and sound off on facebook. And then feel like crap. I know it is really not my business. I should not judge. My Mom even told me she told him she wanted him to get remarried. She did not want him to be alone. I just do not approve of the time frame. But again, it is not my business. I just need to release the resentment.

12-04-2012, 11:39 AM	#10 (permalink)
muvinon Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Houston Texas Posts: 543	Yuck.....but it often happens. I've seen that more than a few times in life.

12-04-2012, 03:10 PM	#13 (permalink)
muvinon Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Houston Texas Posts: 543	The way I apply the principles in these types of situations is to just watch my actions. I am extra careful to be respectful. Then I deal with my own feelings and judgments with my sponsor and close AA friends. If I'm not going to see the person much, then it's pretty easy for me to let go. If I am going to have to see the person, then it might be harder. Maybe it's a good idea to not see the person's FB postings for awhile.

12-04-2012, 05:02 PM	#14 (permalink)
Threshold Grateful but still smarting Join Date: May 2009 Location: Arizona Posts: 2,376 Blog Entries: 24	all of the above, AND...you can set your FB page so you don't see his posts. That way you and he are still friends, but his stuff won't show up unexpectedly on your feed and knock you upside the head. Sometimes it's good for us to filter out information that isn't any of our business but that we can get all kinds of angry over. Just like the radio news...sometimes I just have to turn the channel.

12-05-2012, 05:36 AM	#16 (permalink)
Elisabeth888 Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: NE GA Posts: 1,411	I am going to hide his posts. There was another pic tagged last night I don't need to fixate on this. He went through a lot with my mom's illness and I don't know the story on this.

12-05-2012, 07:09 AM	#18 (permalink)
omegasupreme Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The Trenches, Texas Posts: 756	I found using an extension in column 3 helped shed some more light on my false beliefs and my playing God in other's lives. This isn't for the faint of heart. I usually end up pushing the pen so hard I can read the indention on the next 8 pages or so in my notebook COLUMN THREE Self Esteem: I am (or see myself as):______________________________________________ ___. Pride: No one should see the following being done to me:__________________________________________. Ambition: What I want but think I am losing is _____________________________________________. Emotional Security: To feel okay, I need for this person to________________________________________________ ________. Financial Security: My financial security is threatened in this deal because_______________________________. Relations by sex: I think women/men should____________________________________________ _______. Personal Relations: Those close to me should see that I am___________________________________________. COLUMN FOUR Selfish-(I want to keep what I have, so here's how I was selfish) Self-Seeking-(I also want what others have, so here's where I was seeking for myself rather than giving to another) Dishonest-(The real truth is that...___________________________________________ __) deceived him/her:________________________________________ deceived myself:_______________________________________ Fear-(What I'm really worried about or afraid of that is driving me to behave the way I'm behaving is???) Insanity-(Here are the things about my behavior and feelings that are really insane in this deal): __________________________________________________ _________________________ __________________ “There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.”-Anthony de Mello

12-05-2012, 08:17 AM	#19 (permalink)
TSDD Member Join Date: May 2012 Location: Cape Cod, Massachusetts Posts: 341	Try to throw some continuous sober time at the problem.... it'll sort itself out. My condolences on your loss. Be aware some people just don't like being single.

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