Anonimity is for real

[Dan]

Last night at my home group, I felt compelled to call a longtimer for breaking another member's anonimity. I'll spare you all the details as I am not comfortable discussing this even here. It was so glaringly evident that many faces flinched as he shared. The member involved was absent from the meeting, only compounding the seriousness I think. Tradition twelve is precise. ...spiritual foundation...ever reminding us... So in the parking lot, I approached him and gave him a hug and thanked him again for sharing his wisdom. He celebrated 37 years clean and sober in February and is the gentlest, kindest man I know. I love him. And inside, I was thinking what am I trying to accomplish here? I figured I learned enough from this man and others like him that I owed it to him and myself to be honest about how I felt. He was very sad when I told him what I thought, but told me I was right. And today, I wish so much I would have been wrong. My heart aches and I feel ashamed in a way I don't understand. Anyone have any esh?

DD

[Justme57]

Sorry Dan, I dont quite understand . Who broke who's annonymity ? Was it the man who had 37 years , or was it his that was broken? and where ?

HUGX
Lee

[Dan]

Yes. My friend with 37 years broke the anonymity of another member.
While sharing at the meeting. Personal issues were brought up.
Sorry for my poor phrasing Lee.
DD

[mountaingirl]

Wow, I can picture that situation. Ouch. Does it make you feel like someone in that room could do that to you? What are the boundaries in that setting that govern the privacy? What's your friend going to do now that you've confronted him - or what should he do, do you think?

[Dan]

MG, if I ever compromise the anonymity of a member, I sure hope someone calls me on it. This may not be an issue in the eyes of some AA members, but in this neck of the woods, personal issues are just that. I know both men intimately. I also know that what was revealed should not have been simply because the member had told me it was to remain "out" of the group. My friend with 37 years also had the confidence of the member in question and, for lack of a better word, slipped.

DD

[Digits101010]

That was courage and honesty on your part. That was humility and gratitude on your friends part. I understand how you feel about your "heart ache" in the aftermath and that tells me you wished no harm for him... That you really just did want to remind him gently of the principle.

I used to equate most icky emotions to "shame" until my sponsor told me how and why that was not good for me. If I equate doing the right thing with "shame" then I may not do it again. I may then resort to being "fearful" of being honest and may not do it. When in my reality, it's a new and uncomfortable feeling that I just really wished I didn't have to feel.

Maybe you just really wished you didn't feel as if you had to do it. You two are still friends and maybe he'll be a friend to you one day in a similar way. Gently reminding you of something you may not have noticed.

That's what we do. We help each other by holding each other accountable and we can do it in a gentle loving way.

Love & Light,
Digits

[mackat]

DD
sounds like you did all the right things. I am just beginnin g to feel all right about confronting oldtimers when they are out of line- my part of the discomfort has a lot to do with my own lack of confrontational skills. And getting enough time in the rooms to know when traditions are being violated- and understanding that we truly are not saints.... hard for me to get my ego outta th' way!! I do cherish the kind of story you relayed where i get to see both of you putting so many of the principles to work...s'cool
mackat

[Chy]

You didn't break anonymity, you didn't break the confidence of the room, you simply brought it to the attention of someone who meant no harm I'm sure. Turn it over Dan, it's done and over.

[Dan]

Yeah, it's in the turned over drawer tonight. The mix of emotions took me for a ride. Harry (he of 37 glorious years) and I had a talk before supper. He's cool. I'm cool. It's all cool! He asked me if I had learned something as a result. Told me he did. I am so grateful for spiritual growth. Thanks you guys. And like mackat said: s'cool.

DD

[Gooch]

Awesome share Dan.

[Dan]

Coming from you Gooch, that is a great compliment and thank you for it.
E pluribus funk Wise One.

DD

[Jeff_C]

Geeeeeeeeeeez, I’d just like to be alive long enough to GET thirty seven years. It’s a pretty safe bet that he both understands and practices that tenth step, and I would expect that’s where the matter would end. Yet another lesson that we ALL have feet of clay, and long term sobriety a guarantee only that we haven’t had to pick up a drink in that period of time. I suspect everything else is up for grabs.

The issue of anonymity can be a bear, and while often completely misunderstood by “outsiders� , can still prove to be a challenge to folks within our ranks, either by mistake or intent. I’m often stunned into wonder by the recent arrivals who insist on maintaining their “anonymity� WITHIN the rooms,-------------sometimes for periods of time that just boggle my mind. Hmmmmmm, maybe be a little defense and denial action, eh.
Jeff

[Novemberphoenix]

Hey Dan,

I'm glad to hear you had the opportunity to talk with Harry and that it all worked out well. Gotta love it when that happens. And thanks for your support last night, it is greatly appreciated.

Novemberphoenix