I am confused

[nohiogal]

What do you do when you SO does not believe that Alcoholism is a disease?

My SO and I have been having rough times and I made made a comment in an email to him that Alcoholism was a disease and I was extremely shocked at his response.

"Alcoholism is not a disease...people just made it like that so that those who can't control themselves to drink will seek help. And sure enough it worked...there's nothing wrong with calling it a disease because it made people realized that they should seek help..but the truth is, it's not a disease, for if it truly is a disease there would be a medication for it...it's just a semantic to get people who can't control themselves to stop killing
themselves from drinking...but whatever label they put on it is irrelevant
because the reason for it all was to get people to stop drinking...call it
what you like...disease, disability, whatever"

I answered him that is was a disease and sent him a link to look at the explained alcoholism and why I attend meetings. He replied again with:

"if you can drink and know how to stop then you sure don't need that meeting but since you can't, then you do attend those meetings.
Alcoholism is not a disease...if only people know when to stop, then there would be no alcoholicsan alcoholic is a person who doesn't know when to stop drinking because it's been proven that a glass of wine is healthy. A glass of wine, not a ton of wine...therefore alcoholism is not a disease...it's the knowing when to stop is the problem, it's not the drinking itself"


I am just in shock. This is coming from the man who told me that he felt I was an alcoholic and I needed help. Is he just in pure denial? I am so confused. I really am. I have been sober 5 and 1/2 months now and I am so very proud og myself and how far I have grown inside. I am just in awe that all that time this is what he thought. I am hurt and angry.

I told him if he truely feels that way then I do not think we have a future. And its not a who is right or wrong battle. This is my life I am talking about, my sanity. I sent him the link and he obviously chose not to read it or if he did then does not believe anything on it is true.

I guess I am just looking for comments or suggestions.

[Jeff_C]

Actually this ol’ chestnut has been around for far too long, and I suppose will continue to be for some time. Obviously, feelings run pretty high about it, and the controversy almost always swirls about the issue of “choice. None of that however, will convince someone that simply doesn’t want to be convinced..

“Disease� is defined even in the dictionary as “ any departure from health; illness in general�. It goes on to add “ a particular destructive process in an organ or organism with a specific cause, and characteristic symptoms.� Alcoholism sure meets that criteria. And while he’s correct in assuming that much of the designation of alcoholism as a disease was a result of the availability of treatment options, why the hell would we “treat�, and spend billions of dollars annually, as well as untold heartbreak and misery on a condition that could just be arrested by “knowing when to stop.?�

For those who are not alcoholic, and have that mind-set, the probability of changing it is particularly low. It’s just so “simple� for them, and the idea of “alcoholism� as a personality flaw, or character defect, often gives them the illusion of feeling “superior, and perhaps speaks to a “character flaw “ of their own.

Then too, there well may be another agenda being played out here, that goes beyond the issue of semantics. The only thing that is of value to you, is your definition of alcoholism, and what that means to you. We can never have anyone else’s experience of anything, and the “difference� that opposing views results in will be determined by the participants, not the issue.
Jeff

[Dan]

Tina,
Without knowing him, I'm guessing he's in denial. But as you say, he previously suggested to you that he thought you had a problem. The fact that he does not believe addiction or alcoholism is a disease is his decision. It's really out of your control. Commend yourself on your sober life. I agree his comments may seem uninformed. There are those who simply can't understand the compulsive nature of this disease. I would gladly enjoy beeing able to reap the benefits of a daily glass of red wine. It is simply impossible for me to do so without compromising myself and my family. I hope he finds in his heart, a way to open up his mind.

Dan

[Ninerfan]

Hi Tina, sorry for your confusion. I'm going to say something that most alcoholics wont agree with but Bill W. agrees with me. Or I agree with Bill W. He never called alcoholism a disease, he called it a malady or illness but never a disease. And it certainly is both of those. But I have always had a problem calling it a disease cause in the classic sense of that word I agree with you s/o, we don't take medication, we stop drinking. That alone arrests the 'disease' We cant arrest lung cancer by stopping smoking. Diseases of the body don't work that way. So I understand your s/o's response and I understand your rreaction to it. But you are the one who has 'it' (disease no disease, malady, illness, allergy) not your s/o. And you are the one who has to treat it. It sounds like a semantical diferance of opinion between you two. Ask him to read our BB and then offer an opinion. If he won't do that then let it go. The bottom line is he knows you have a problem, right? He is not in denial abut that is he? And, I assume he is supporting your decision to get the help you think you need. So let it go. You are allergic to alcohol, when you begin to drink it your body has an abnormal reaction to it. That reaction is that you cannot stop even when you know you should. The phenomenon of craving has set in. The only way to arrest this allergy is to NOT take that first drink thereby setting off the craving for more. I'm sure your s/o can agree to that.

Remember one thing. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

[Justme57]

Hi there Nohiogal! so good to see you

CONGRATS on your 5 1/2 months , we must nearly be running mates ! lol

Must say I agree with Jeff, and Niner , ( hi niner )I would not concern yourself with your SOs opinion, dis-ease , or not , you have it , and are taking care of the situation. It doesn't really matter what he thinks, you cant change it , you can only change yourself .....and you seem to be doing a great job there

HUGX

Lee

[nohiogal]

Thanks all for your responses. I agree with you all..lol

I do look at it as physically I have an Allergy and mentally I have a Disease. If that makes any sense to anyone other than me....LOL

I know its not really a matter of whether he believes its a disease as much as I felt hurt and that he was belittling me. Like, just stop after one drink and you won't be an alcoholic anymore, that I don't have the intellegence or the will power to do that. As Jeff stated...like its a character defect of some sort.

I know thats not the case and I know what I feel and know in my heart is what counts. He just seems to blame me and claim I am selfish when I tell him I have to come first. I know he does not understand and that he does not have to. I guess it just hurts as I thought he would want to learn more because he cared about me.

But I know I have lived a looooong time pushing things aside and under the rug hoping that they would go away. I guess us Alcoholics are not the only ones who have dibs on that...LOL

thanks

[nohiogal]

Oh Oh..... Lee is great to have a running mate

[Digits101010]

Originally Posted by nohiogal

What do you do when you SO does not believe that Alcoholism is a disease?

I mostly agree with Niner on the major points of contention.

It doesn't matter what it's called. A behavior problem, a spiritual problem or a genetic defect, mental quirk, all of the above, or even a malady, illness, or *disease.* I don't care because it's not important to my sobriety that I find out. What is important to me is that I know that once I consume alcohol I crave more alcohol. So I do not drink alcohol.

But if anyone thinks that nothing is a disease or problem unless medication is present, then I would think back before penicillin and vaccines were discovered and chemotherapy was used to treat cancer, and even vitamins for scurvy, osteoporosis...insulin for diabetes, etc.

By that kind of logic "diseases" don't exist unless there is medication for it? :LMAO

Love & Light,
Digits

[Ninerfan]

Hi Lee, good to hear from you and its good to be back. Its also a little weird, this new software.
Tina I really think this is just a case of your s/o not understanding because how could he? He isn't an alcoholic. It must be hard to comprehend what we take for granted. Alanon may be a place to start. Like I said show him the BB and ask him to read it. Knowledge is power. And if he doesn't, then you just keep doin what your doin.

Howya doin Digits...Of course you are right. Alcoholism is a two-fold disease (there is that word) Mind and body. And sometimes it is just to difficult to explain. Many people maybe most people think it is a will power problem. That is one of the reasons it is so comforting to walk into a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and feel immediately at home. No explanations are necessary, we understand.

[bballdad]

I agree with ninerfan

my sponser says for me to use the word illness,and not disease.

The big book uses illness,never disease.

drop the issue,because he ain`t ready to hear what you have to say about it.

live and let live,take care of your peace of mind and soberiety,pray for him

[NotThatThirsty]

What if Alcoholism was like a disease in the classic sense and people had to go to a physician to be diagnosed?
"Doc, I'm having some real problems... I've been staying drunk most of my waking hours, I've lost interest in things and people I love, my performance at work is poor, my family is worried about me... What could be wrong with me, Doc?" to which the Doctor replies "Well, we are going to need to run some more tests. Here, take this bottle and I want you to go over there and take a drink from it... Good, now stop! Good, now I want you to take that bottle home with you and at this time tomarrow bring it back to me without taking a drink from it"
"You're kidding right?! Well, if it's the Doctor's orders...."

The next day the guy comes back, a wreck, and he has a bottle but it's not the same one. The doctor asks him what happened and the guy tries to make up some story and has some excuses for not calling the Doctor before he drank. The Doctor takes some notes, rubs his chin...

"Sir I'm afraid you have a disease we call Alcoholism, it's incurable, but it is treatable, but you first have to be willing to do whatever it takes because otherwise no one can help you. I have here some phone numbers, a list of different meetings you can go to where there's people like you, some literature, a Thermos of Coffee, and a carton of smokes. Now, just get yourself to a meeting and don't take a drink no matter what and there may be hope for you."
Whatever word's used, it's just a "place holder" for the word Alcoholism. Alcoholism just is what it is and it manifests itself in different ways in different people and that's why we kinda have to diagnose ourselves... Each one of us had to come to a personal realization that we were alcoholic... and make a personal decision to do something about it. Well, okay, the State of Georgia had something to do with it in my case but that's what it took for me (and Lots of alchoholics I've found out). I'll shut up and pass, thanks for letting me share!
-Josh