Do I have the right sponsor?!

[RainbowIris]

I'm just wondering if I have the right sponsor. I just sat across from her at an AA Breakfast today, Easter, and realized (well, I've known this for a while) that I just don't feel close to her. It is hard to reach her, and we don't talk about the Steps or the Big Book a lot. Before I go on, I want to talk about my part in the situation:
My Part: I am very demanding and crave attention. I call my sponsor in crisis mode. I do ask her how's she's doing, but the truth is, I am calling for me! I am selfish, and I'm more worried about how I'm doing than she is. I demand answers and get hysterical when she does not have them. For example, I'm being reviewed for disability, and I was panicing. She told me to "Let Go, Let God!" I pretty much have done that, but I still call her with panic in my voice. Also, I don't recognize that she has a lot on her plate. She is married, has kids, works and has a lot of other sponsees. I get very angry with her when she does not return my calls for say 2-3 days. Also, I was very angry that she didn't invite me over for Easter, since she knew I had no family. I know I must get over this. Playing "Poor Me" will send me back out there!
But (I know what comes after but...but :-) ) I really do have a hard time getting in touch with her. I am trying to be less demanding. I am realizing she's not my Mom. I know she can't replace the family I didn't/don't have. However, I still feel hurt. And, I wonder about the wisdom of her saying today, "I'm going to be out of town for three days. You won't be able to reach me." I'm wondering if she does not have too many sponsees or too much on her plate. I'm wondering if we should not be getting together and reading the BB, and 12 & 12 on a regular basis. I'm wondering if I've blown this relationship. I'm wondering what a good sponsor DOES!
Right now, I can only think of 2 solutions. Talk frankly to her about the problem (admitting my part) and about my feelings. If this helps, OK. If not, I would look for another sponsor with perhaps more time in the Program than she has, who is more available. I just need some input here. Thanks for taking the time to read this and God Bless all of you!
Love, Iris

[Justme57]

Well, only you know wether she is right for you , or not . I certainly suggest you talk openly with her , and listen to what she has to say .

You sound as if you have a major resentment towards her , which doesnt help. How long are you sober ? perhaps praying for her would help, thats what my Sponce tells me to do with resentment , and it works lol

She is there to be your friend , and supporter , but she does have a life of her own, as do all Sponsers .

better invite her for coffee and have an honest chat I think

HUGX
Lee

[AnotherOne]

Hi Iris

I think you know yourself that this relationship isn't working the way it should. You recognise faults in yourself and your sponsor, but are trying not to be critical or judgemental - that's great.

The reason for sponsorship within AA is to work through the 12 step recovery program. If you are not doing this with your sponsor then you need to make a change. Talk to them honestly about what you feel. This may be enough to move things along, but and don't be afraid to move on and find another if that is what you feel is the right thing to do.

I 'fired' my first two sponsors for reasons similar to what you have written. Not seeing enough of each other and not working through the program. In neither case was it a judgement about the person, simply a recognition that it wasn't the right thing for me.

I wish you well,

Michael

[Chy]

Originally Posted by RainbowIris

Right now, I can only think of 2 solutions. Talk frankly to her about the problem (admitting my part) and about my feelings. If this helps, OK. If not, I would look for another sponsor with perhaps more time in the Program than she has, who is more available. I just need some input here. Thanks for taking the time to read this and God Bless all of you!
Love, Iris

I think that is your best solution! For me it was very hard to communicate what I was feeling. Now I'm doing pretty good at it with my sponsor, how are they to know where we're at unless we tell them.

However, I do have mixed emotions about sponsors with a lot of sponsees. I guess each situation is different. Talk to her tell her how you feel, listen then decide.

[Janet L]

I agree that you need to talk to her-maybe your and her expectations are just different. This is something my sponsor and I talked about when I asked her to sponsor me. I had known her for about a year and knew she had what I wanted.

Yes, a sponsor's purpose is to take you through the steps, and you need to be able to be totally honest with her. Communication is so important!

I meet with my sponsor at least once every two weeks, more often in the beginning (she lives in a different town), but I call her almost every day, just to talk. I don't wait until I have a problem. When I can't reach her, she calls me right back. Before she goes out of town, we discuss who I'm going to call instead of her. I know plenty of women in AA I can talk to when I can't reach her

I'm very fortunate in the fact that her kids are grown and she works out of her home, so she's usually available.

[The Jay Walker]

I agree also that your best bet would be to talk to her about this problem, I also have an uneasy feeling aout people that have more than one sponcee at a time.

[collinsmi]

If you crave attention she might be doing the right thing by being standoffish. Not giving step instruction is another matter. As a sponsee, you should expect to have instructions for working whatever step you're on, and I don't think it's unreasonable to meet once a week, in addition to seeing her at meetings more often.

[RainbowIris]

Hello everyone,
First thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. It's true - never alone, never again! Second, I do not think I have been completley fair to my sponsor. She has taken me through the Steps - we've read them out of the 12 & 12 - page by page. However, the problem as I see it is that I need more time and attention from her than I am recieving. Also, I'm unclear on how often sponsors and sponsees should meet. Oh...and I am 2 1/2 years plus sober - and starting to want a better quality of life for myself in ALL things - according to God's Will, of course!

[RainbowIris]

Hello everyone,
First thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. It's true - never alone, never again! Second, I do not think I have been completley fair to my sponsor. She has taken me through the Steps - we've read them out of the 12 & 12 - page by page. However, the problem as I see it is that I need more time and attention from her than I am recieving. Also, I'm unclear on how often sponsors and sponsees should meet. Oh...and I am 2 1/2 years plus sober - and starting to want a better quality of life for myself in ALL things - according to God's Will, of course!
Lee, both you and Michael are right. I do have a deep resentment, but I'm trying to be fair...now if that's not alchoholic thinking what is...LOL! I've asked God to remove the resentment and I find I'm naturally praying for her too!
I think I do need to talk to her - admitting my part while (gasp!) asking for what I need. I'm not sure if she can do this. However, I'm always good at picturing negative outcomes, so I need to talk to her and see what happens. Also, I need to go to more women's meetings in the case that I have to find another sponsor. I used to have mixed feelings about sponsors with a lot of sponsees, but the trouble is (and this is a whole new thread!) that as a woman in this program, I've found it's harder to find a sponsor than I THINK that men do for one reason - by me, there are a lot more men than women in the groups that I attend. Now men, I am not trying to say it's easier for you to find sponsors (I can't judge that since I'm not a man looking for a sponsor), but it does seem to me there's a greater quanity of men for new men to choose from, then women for new women to choose from.
Janet, I like your schedule with your sponsor :-) However, I can't make mine do anything - the quickest way for me to get crazy is to try to force my will on someone. I am also feeling very scared about talking about my feelings - and I have a strong fear of losing my sponsor. However, change is part of life, and I have to accept this.
My game plan (thanks to all of you!) is this. First, I am seriously praying on this to God for the right words and time. Second, I'll set up a time to talk to her (hopefully today) about these issues. Third, as most of you have said, I'll LISTEN. This will either work out or not. If not, I pray and hope I still can be friends with my sponsor because I really like her, and I'd like things to work out like that.
If there's still a problem, I guess I'll have to find a new sponsor. This is very scary for me, since I'm terrified of getting close to people (which is probably why I have this problem in the first place!). However, I'm asking God to take the fear from me and do what's best. This is life or death for me, so I sure can't let fear rule me. Also, I will (God Willing!) attend another women's meeting this week - just in case (yes, I'll be looking over potential sponsors, which is rather manipulative!) . And, I prayed that if it is God's Will, that he send me the right sponsor at the right time - in SPITE of myself!
In the meantime, I've got to let this go. I want to thank all of you Lee, Michael, Chy (cool name!), Janet, Jay Walker :-), and coolinsmi for your words of wisdom. May God Bless and Keep all of you!
Love,
Iris

[Janet L]

I don't think it's manipulative at all to consider women for new sponsors, although I surely wouldn't mention that you're looking.

[Music]

Rainbow,
If you even have to ask whether or not you have the right sponsor, I believe you should 1)Talk to your sponsor, and 2)Depending on the result of your chat with you sponsor, start looking for another one.

[bballdad]

my sponser can`t solve my problems or cure me.He sometimes needs me too,how can I be of service to him?I am in a bad spot when I take his inventory.He says when i point a finger,3 are pointing back at me.He`s right.

If I want attention,I need to focus on a newcomer or service work.Self centeredness,I must be on guard for it daily,Or it kills me!

before you switch sponsers,grab a new girl and help her the way you feel your sponser is supossed to help you.
and/or
get a friend,and both of you go back thru the steps together,using only the big book


stay with her and work the steps(alone if nessacery) and pray untill YOU CHANGE,don`t change sponsers!

we allways did that kind of stuff,try and change the outside stuff to make the inside feel better,in AA we have a inside job to do.When the inside is changed,the outside gets right in most cases.

Iris,try this before you drop her and let us know how it works out

[Elly]

Hello, I'm not sure I've actually ever posted on this board, but I've been a lurker for quite some time, and this thread hit close to home. I've been in the same spot with my sponsor. Of course, I prayed about it, but it also helped me to write down exactly every word that I would like to say to her, leaving nothing out. This is just for my reflection, not to send on! Then, I waited for a day or two to see if I still felt the same way. The last thing I want to do is have a confrontation based on some of my distorted perceptions about things! So, a little time to reflect is usually good for me. The issue with my sponsor has been that I have so much admiration and respect for her, and I've wanted to be a big part of her life. The resentments that I've had toward her have stemmed from my expectations, which were usually not fair. Once I took a little time to step back from the relationship, I realized that for me the truth is that I want our relationship to be healthy. I don't want to be needy. I don't want her attention because she feels sorry for me and is worried about me. That realization changed things for me. I don't know if that helps at all, but I pass it on. My relationship with my sponsor has improved dramatically over the last year, and I believe that's because I forced myself to change a thing or two in my actions toward her...and then the change just happened in my thinking. Good luck, and do post how things go if you talk with her.

Elly

[bballdad]

Elly,you did excally the right thing!

[RainbowIris]

Hi all,
Thanks Bballdad and Elly for your imput. I AM trying to look within. Also, I see that like many have advised, I need to communicate directly with my sponsor. I think I'm going to have a chat with her. Oh, and B - there is a new girl I'd like to help.
She has another sponsor, but if that changes, I'd love to help her. Also, I do need to get out of myself. I really haven't made a lot of friends in A.A. - it seems like I leave A.A. peoplewise (not workwise, I'm going to work on amends tonight!) at A.A. I have to face that fact that my neediness is driving people away. Also, I have to face the fact that I have pushed away people who've tried to reach out to me. So, as you say, I need to make changes. However, I still plan on talking to my sponsor. I think I need some direct communication here, and only I can initiate that. Then, I will listen to her. This really is between me and her, and I need to keep it that way. I probably won't be talking to her till next week!
I may post at that time - but in a very general way. I really don't want our relationship, which is private, to be a topic of public discussion! And, I will pray on this - my sponsor believes in prayer.
Thanks for your help and may God Bless all of you!
Love,
Iris

[fuster]

Iris: one word: "Panic".

Sponsors are free. No need to be apologetic about doubting if the fit is right. It is your recovery, take control of it and if the sponsor is not doing you enough for what you feel you need from one, replace her. Before you do that, you might want to take a long hard look at whether you have any unreasonable expectations. Not what someone else says is unreasonable, what you feel is unreasonable. This would require you to get honest with yourself.

A good start is to take some quiet time (sounds like you make your own chaos all by yourself, not unlike I do at times, so this might be a challenge), and start a conversation with God about Him giving you that day some clarity and self honesty. No need to strain over it, let God do the work, you just have to quiet your heart and mind (easier said than done even for the alcoholic who is not in panic mode). See where your prayer and meditation takes you over the course of a week's worth of doing it daily (again, during quiet time you make to do it).

You may also want to just take up a second sponsor while you ruminate over the first one. But may I suggest you try getting someone older who has more time to talk? You need that. Cut yourself some slack about being selfish, you can work that out but it takes a long time and it is a process, not a toggle switch you just click and it is gone. While you may panic at the slightest change in your life, you will have to be patient with the inner changes. No hurries, you have the rest of your life.

[Cap3]

Hey Iris,i can only share with you my experience,with not having the "right",sponsor for me.I moved to a new town,but wasnt new to programs.I , needed a sponsor..So at a meeting i picked ,a gal,,who i had heard from others was,a, great.,sponsor,,great soberiety,,followed program.I personally,knew very little about her.Seen her maybe 3 times,,before, i asked her to sponsor me.Thought,shes in program,a long time,,so this should work out.NOT...No,,it didnt.But knowing in my gut,,this was not working,,i decided to make changes in myself,and disregard my feelings/thoughts,,innner knowing...To change to what,,um,,make it better,between us?Which is not what my recovery is about..I dont really know now..lol.The more i struggled,,the more angery i became.Till i finally blew up, at her one day.I made my amends,,and let her go.,with love..I look back on this,today as being a good lesson for me.That inner gut feelings,,not my mind or head,,that gut feeling knows...I didnt have the gumpstion,to tell her what i was feeling,,when i first started to feel it..which was right away.I talked to others though about what i was feeling/thinking.They said,,well she must be telling you things that you dont want to hear.And your ego,,is rebelling..Ok,,this sounded good.,i guess,,shrugs shoulder????.But that wasnt the case at all.It wasnt true for ......me......no matter how i tried to fit myself in,with her..I cannot deny,,my gut feeling.When something is amiss,,its a miss to ....me...I need to speak up before i blew up.I was the problem,,not her.I didnt pray.I didnt take time to see if she had in program what i needed.I didnt even personally get to know her before asking her to sponsor me.And for some others,,ive heard that they kinda outgrew each other.Things happen for a reason.Some others have stayed with the same sponsor for years.Different strokes for different folks.Trust what "you" know...after prayer...I cannot be everything to all people...Some think im a good sponsor,,other say,,i will see you later,,Judy..lol.....Ask for God,guidence.He will guide you in what you need to do...
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!

[DolphinBlue]

RainbowIris,

I think you've shown a great amount of maturity and insight into your situation with your sponsor and I'm sure things will work out if you follow your instincts. The decision to talk with her was a good one and I hope its working out for you.

Just wanted to respond because I related to your story so much. I too have never felt very "close" to my sponsor and that is because of some personal issues which I am working through. I've thought about whether or not we were a good fit for eachother and decided it was not worth throwing out the whole relationship as she is a very good sponsor for me. I identified my need for closeness and got that need met with a close female friend in the fellowship, after a good honest talk with her about the problem.

Whenever that lack of closeness comes up for me, I talk with her and she reminds me that all the people in my life are meeting different needs. I respect and admire the way she lives her program and that to me is what it really is all about.

Amy

[RainbowIris]

Thanks Fuster, Amy and Judy for your advice. I agree, Fuster, I'm in panic mode. I also think you just showed a lot of discernment, because I am panicking. I think I'd like an older woman with more time as a sponsor. This probably relates to my mother hunger - I didn't get what I needed on that as a kid, but I can see that's a need, not a character defect! God's will be Done! Judy, I wish I could say I talked to my sponsor, but I haven't done that yet. She was taking a newcomer home when I originally planed to talk to her, and was out of town for three days. So, I'm asking God for the Timing in talking to her!
I may find a friend like you did, Amy. But first, I need to get honest with my sponsor. I almost feel I'm betraying her trust by being in a public forum. So, the next time I talk to her, I may bring up these issues - or I may wait till the next time I see her.
In the meantime, I've got to turn over the part of me that's my "inner orphan" over to God, and leave the results of whatever I do to Him!
Love,
Iris

[RainbowIris]

UPDATE:
I did speak with my sponsor today. She has a lot on her plate right now. I was especially upset because I was in a minor car accident on Sun. that could have been worse. I called her after I was X-rayed (I'm fine :-)) and did not hear from her. I told her I was disappointed and hurt not to hear from her. I also listened to HER side of the story. I told her I understood that she had problems, but that I needed her to be there for me. However, I need to go into MY part of the problem (this was a rushed conversation), but I will do that the next time I speak to her (probably on the phone.) I told her that I needed to see her once a week to check on my progress. I also told her that I saw she had a lot going on. I said if that continued, I'd understand, but that I'd been considering working with someone else. She told me that if I want to do that, if I am not getting what I need from her, that's OK.
I know I've done some things wrong here. I will be talking to her about MY part in this, and asking her what I've been doing to turn her off in our next conversation. I also will no longer try to force my will on her. I really am not so sure I should have made what really was a theat, "If you continue to be this busy, I have considered working with someone else." I am going to apologize for that, because it is wrong of me to make anyone jump through hoops, or to try to make them do what I want them to do. This either will or will not work. I'm thinking about journaling my ANGER here too, just to get it out.
I'm going to still put out feelers for another sponsor though. However, I feel good that I spoke up for myself today, and I turn the rest over! Just wanted to let everyone know what happened! Hope all of you are having a Blessed sober day/night!
Love,
Iris

I know I've done some things wrong here, but I was not rude or ig

[fuster]

What were you looking for (from your sponsor) when you told your sponsor that you might be putting out feelers for another sponsor?