What do you say when another person in recovery wants to drink?

[Zube]

Interesting topic at AA meeting earlier...

What do you say (or do) when another alcoholic pulls out their phone list, calls you, and wants to drink again?

Thought provoking. Heard a lot of interesting responses. Kind of curious what other fellow AA'ers on this forum do, or have done, in this situation.

Thanks,
Zube

[Earthworm]

Well try to talk to them and or take them to a meeting. But in the end it is their decision. We can,t endanger our sobriety either.

[Collingwood20]

It all depends on if you think it's going to make a difference if you act. How is this going to effect your recovery? When an alcoholic has gotten to the point of frothing at the mouth the game is usually over.

You can not save those who do not want to be saved. Step over the bodies. Get to a meeting and take them if they will go. But, go and bring this up as a topic and work through it.

"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition." (p. 122, AA) Drinking is but the symptom of another giant problem but also in Chapter 3 we learn the Higher Power is our resolve from taking the first drink..will power will lose and obsession always wins. This is life or death. Take it seriously.

BB quotes-First Edition

[Chris1000101]

Originally Posted by Collingwood20

It all depends on if you think . . .

WTH!?!?!?

What I think does not matter. What is the next right thing? There are four absolutes and with that attitude, I’m not living them.

By doing nothing, I may have sent another to their death. I will not have that on my conscience. Should they kill or injure someone in the process and I do nothing, what do you think the amends should be? “Sorry, I sat on my ass because I didn’t want to get involved. I didn’t think the responsible thing was to do anything.”

I am Responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.

[Freedom55]

Play the tape through to the end.
If they want to go to a meeting, I would be happy to go with them.

But, as has been said, the ultimate decision is theirs...

[Hollyanne]

I have been the person who wanted to drink.
Nothing anyone says would stop me.
Sometimes, it makes me worse.
I know after experience, it has to come from me.

[Zube]

If somebody uses their phone list, they probably want help. Meetings are not always the immediate solution depending on location and the time of day (or night). In a lot of areas meetings are not available at, say, two in the morning.

I remember using my phone list in early recovery, when I thought I wanted to drink over something out of my control, and somebody on the list read through page 417 of the Big Book with me on the other line, before I got to a meeting. It helped me wrap my brain around acceptance, and less on drinking.

I like the idea of having the person write out a gratitude list as well, and call them back to review it within a certain period of time. Diverts the thinking from drinking, until the person struggling can make a meeting.

What was surprising was the number of people in the meeting that had never used their phone list, or received a call from somebody else's list.

Not wrong, just surprising.

Zube

[Chris1000101]

Originally Posted by Freedom55

Play the tape through to the end.
If they want to go to a meeting, I would be happy to go with them.

But, as has been said, the ultimate decision is theirs...

That it is and I’ve been blessed that they have all gone to a meeting or sought additional help. I got a call at 2 in the morning last week, picked them up and we had our own meeting. It makes for a short night but I cannot thank God enough today for using me.

[sugarbear1]

Talking to my HP (to get the inspiration the other person needs to hear) while talking on the phone with them, attempting to meet in person....

[miamifella]

Is this considered okay? When I was in the program I made a few calls like this (since the literature refers to such calls) but I was always told that it was not appropriate to speak to me when I wanted to use/drink.

[Gottalife]

The deal we make with the new guy is that if he is willing to go to any lengths to stop for good and all, we will go to any lengths to help. So I will try to help. I might not do the other guy any good at all, but my life will be rocketed and that's how it is. We try to carry the message, we try to be responsible, but that is all God asks of us. The results are in His hands, as is the ultimate responsibility.

[Gottalife]

Originally Posted by miamifella

Is this considered okay? When I was in the program I made a few calls like this (since the literature refers to such calls) but I was always told that it was not appropriate to speak to me when I wanted to use/drink.

I guess there is room for some context in this regard. The book says we don't chase drunks, so a serial relapser might get a harsher response. But there are times in the journey of every newcomer when they need someone to hold their hand and help them through a rough patch. Maybe help them stay sober just one more day, get them to a place where they can start on the steps. This is what I expect when I give my number to a newcomer. I know that the help I can give is not the long term solution, I can't hold somones hand all their life, But if I can buy them enough time to get on the program and tap into the Power, well, that's what I signed up to do. The most natural thing in the world for an alcoholic to want to do is drink. Any AA should know that desire is taken away as the result of the steps, so how could they feel it's inappropriate to talk to a newcomer suffering from the obsession?

[Zube]

Originally Posted by miamifella

When I was in the program I made a few calls like this (since the literature refers to such calls) but I was always told that it was not appropriate to speak to me when I wanted to use/drink.

Your kidding me?

[CupofJoe]

When I was struggling, and before I had completed the steps, it helped me a lot when people talked me through what I was feeling. Sometimes I drank afterwards and sometimes I didn't, but I think at least calling people before I drank set a pattern in motion that had results in the long term. I was willing to do things differently.

One thing that someone said to me once when I was trying so hard not to drink that helped me a lot was, "Well, obviously part of you wants to stay sober, otherwise you wouldn't have called." A light bulb clicked when he said that and I stayed sober that night.

Sometimes a little bit of hand holding goes a long way. And I'm always honored when people call me for help, although I wish more people would. I love passing back the help that was given me.

I know making me feel guilty for wanting to drink never did a bit of good.

But showing understanding and compassion for my desire not to give into that merciless obsession that I was fighting...that helped me a lot.

[miamifella]

These were people I knew from treatment a year or two earlier, so that may have had something to do with it. Maybe if I was someone they just knew from meetings they would have talked to me.

[MemphisBlues]

I would tell them that I understand that they want to drink. It's what alcoholics want to do. I don't know of anyone with significant sober time, even decades, who if honest wouldn't admit that at times they want a drink.

The just don't do it. They reflect that want is jut that, a desire, not a fact, not something that has to be followed through with, not something to be ignored but something to process through the steps.

Like Step 1.

I would also tell them that their desire to drink makes me want to drink, that drinking isn't an option, and to talk about it.

I, too, don't get the inappropriateness of calling someone in the program and sharing that you are thinking of drinking. I also don't understand the walking over the fallen on the way to a meeting. It's a program of working with others, and when is a better time to work with another than when they are thinking of relapsing.

I, however, do not work with people that are drunk. I have tried that and nearly killed the sucker.

[muvinon]

I ask what is going on. And then, grab a cup of coffee and settle in to listen. I don't interrupt. I listen hard.

If I can hear something that signals to me what might be a solution, I then zoom in on that. Loneliness, for example, can be met by an invitation to come on over and hang out.

But I really, really listen hard. This is when I don't "tell," I empathize if I can.

After hearing the case that's been built up, I then pretty much know what's going on. If the problem is that the person has forgotten that they are alcoholic, I ask them to describe why they came to AA initially. What was going on? I try, in other words, to help them remember just how bad it was.

I also ask them if they would like to pray with me.

This is alot about inspiration. I usually think that someone is merely going through the motions about calling someone in AA first. Really, they've made up their minds.

But I might as well not make it easy.

[Tommyh]

I have done quite a few different things in the past
get em to a meeting
go get them myself
talk a long time over the phone
pray
and some I told
if you want to drink,go drink

however if they are drunk,or drinking,I find out if they want me to take them somewhere to get help,if the answer is no
I get off the phone and tell them to call me when they sober up

[Collingwood20]

I can't guilt anyone into doing anything. I also can't change anyone's mind. All I have to offer is my experience. Ebby told Bill he "got religion" and let Bill make his own conclusions.

If the phone rings in the middle of the night, I talk if they are sober, if not it is none of my business.

[tomsteve]

i have had this happen. what i do is first ask if it is a craving and really dont want to drink or if they want to drink and thats all there is to it.
either way, i try to remember to ask my HP for some guidance.