Never pray for yourself?

[Elisabeth888]

It bothers me that this is in the BB. I am religious and go to church and have been taught it is fine to pray for yourself. Of course I pray for others, but I pray for God to keep me sober, for help and guidance, and tor God's will.

But it says "being careful never to pray for oneself ".

I would like your thoughts on this.

[Jeni26]

I too pray for those things. I thought if you were praying for Gods will, whatever form that takes, it is different from praying for specific things for yourself x

[youbetcha]

I think that's just to remind us to practice not being self centered.

[awuh1]

The words "Our book is meant to be suggestive only", short of the phrase, "God as we understood Him", are likely the most important words in the book, IMO.

If your heart’s in the right place, there's seldom a wrong way.

[IndaMiricale]

I try not to pray for specific things for myself.. Just because I might get what I asked for.

I heard a guy in his lead talk about it. How when he first got sober he prayed for just a couple things ... A job, a car, and a woman..

Well he got the job that he hated more than life..

He got another car which was worse than his old one.

And well the woman was crazier than he was...

So with that ... I stay out of making the choices for my gods will for me ..

[laurie6781]

I too was confused in my early recovery, confused about a lot of things, lol but
about NOT praying for myself was one of the bigger ones.

Well it all became clear to me one night when I heard one of my 'new' AA friends
share her story (it was a speaker meeting and she was the speaker.) She said
for her, it was about not being specific or asking for specific things and she gave
an example.

I should preface this by explaining that Josey was a Bowery drunk and then upon
finding a way to Los Angles became a downtown LA street drunk. And had no con-
tact with any of her family for years and years.

She said that at about 8 years sober, she was feeling pretty good about herself and
how far she had come and thought it was time for her to get into a relationship. So
she asked God to send her someone that could become a live in partner. Someone
that she could care about and that would care about her. Now she was looking for
a 'significant other'/boyfriend.

Well God did answer her prayers. He sent her a companion that she would have a
very close relationship with.

Her mother.

She came to visit and decided to move from NYC and live with Josey. Roflmao She
and her mother got very close and Josey had almost 12 wonderful years with her
Mom. She always said and I have always remembered

"be careful WHAT you pray for."

I took those words to heart and pray to my HP about many things, both for myself
and people that need help. Usually goes something this

HP please guide me through this day.
HP may I please have your help in finding a solution for _____problem.

HP please help Jane find a solution to her current problem.
HP please help Jane and family find the necessary help for Jim's health issues.

etc

and at bedtime, every evening I always thank HP for the day I have had. I have
missed very few evenings in this past 31+ years, just because I am ever so
grateful for my life in recovery!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[sugarbear1]

I prayed for patience once. Just once. I was given way too many opportunities to practice my patience. Lesson learned.

I thank my higher power regularly. That is the most self-centered prayer I have today. With sobriety and my HP, all things are possible. Just my opinion.

I also ask how I can be useful and how to stay out of my own way; it's not about me today.

My HP cares for me, I haven't gone without a need (and some wants) in almost a year and a half so far. Grace; Priceless.

[KnowHope]

Maybe we ought to start with a tweak that really is a significant correction. What you wrote as "being careful never to pray for oneself" is neither written in nor intended by the Big Book. Instead, what is indeed written about prayer and selfishness in the directions for the 11th step includes:

"We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn’t work. You can easily see why."

So if I consider what this might mean in practice, "Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz" is probably not a good idea. On the other hand, "God, please help me to help Alicia (in whatever way), if it be Thy will" would probably be just fine. You wrote about praying to God to keep you sober. I believe that is a fine prayer. As it's written in the Big Book, "...we asked His protection and care with complete abandon." I suspect this is because being sober helps us to better do (and perhaps hear) God's will for us. I know I wasn't doing such a good job of fitting myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me when when I was drunk. I can also ask myself, do these prayers fall in line with what the 11th step suggests, to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out?

Let's take a moment to reflect on why I would want to be wary of selfishness in any area of my life, including my prayer-life. As it's written in the chapter called How It Works:

"Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles."

"Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us!"

That tells me that selfishness is a pretty big deal. It's enough to influence my survival.

When I trust the book's directions and seek to do my best by the God of my understanding (who is far beyond my understanding), I find the resulting goodness to be unrelenting. I get far more of spiritual value than I could ever muster on my own power, and I tend not to miss out on much other than some dubious luxuries...




Big Book quotes from the first edition

[bbthumper]

Well said Knowhope. Just what I was thinking.

There is a big difference in praying for my will to be done and praying that I may live according to his will.

I pray for myself everyday. "God please make me sensitive to opportunities to be of service."

[yeahgr8]

I guess the Big Book is tailored for the self centered alcoholic, i took the not praying for myself thing too far in the first couple of years...i believe it's more what you are putting out to the universe in fact, like attracts like etc...

I certainly wouldn't let this point bother you much?!

[BruceJ]

I think is comes down to the honest motivation behind the request.
If I pray for my difficulties to be taken away so that I might be of greater help to others....fine.
However, being a basic dishonest alcoholic, in the back of my mind I'm probably just wanting the difficulties to be gone so I don't have to deal with them....not so fine.

[muvinon]

I know that my idea of what makes me happy is rarely what actually makes me happy, so I'm very content to pray for others.

But every morning, when I ask God to keep me sober, I'm praying for myself.

[Fandy]

Prayer is private, not dictated by others, thats rather presumptious.
If i'm doing it wrong, G will point that out soon enough.

[Elisabeth888]

Thank you for all of the replies!

I agree, Fandy, it is private. I don't pray for a fancy car or anything, but if I did, it is between me and God.

We are selfish and I guess I understand why that was put in the book.

[Tommyh]

thank you Laurie
this is a powerful post
just what I needed to read this morning

Originally Posted by laurie6781

I too was confused in my early recovery, confused about a lot of things, lol but
about NOT praying for myself was one of the bigger ones.

Well it all became clear to me one night when I heard one of my 'new' AA friends
share her story (it was a speaker meeting and she was the speaker.) She said
for her, it was about not being specific or asking for specific things and she gave
an example.

I should preface this by explaining that Josey was a Bowery drunk and then upon
finding a way to Los Angles became a downtown LA street drunk. And had no con-
tact with any of her family for years and years.

She said that at about 8 years sober, she was feeling pretty good about herself and
how far she had come and thought it was time for her to get into a relationship. So
she asked God to send her someone that could become a live in partner. Someone
that she could care about and that would care about her. Now she was looking for
a 'significant other'/boyfriend.

Well God did answer her prayers. He sent her a companion that she would have a
very close relationship with.

Her mother.

She came to visit and decided to move from NYC and live with Josey. Roflmao She
and her mother got very close and Josey had almost 12 wonderful years with her
Mom. She always said and I have always remembered

"be careful WHAT you pray for."

I took those words to heart and pray to my HP about many things, both for myself
and people that need help. Usually goes something this

HP please guide me through this day.
HP may I please have your help in finding a solution for _____problem.

HP please help Jane find a solution to her current problem.
HP please help Jane and family find the necessary help for Jim's health issues.

etc

and at bedtime, every evening I always thank HP for the day I have had. I have
missed very few evenings in this past 31+ years, just because I am ever so
grateful for my life in recovery!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by Elisabeth888

But it says "being careful never to pray for oneself ".

I would like your thoughts on this.

Joyce Meyer's sometimes talks about "Baby Christians". When I was a child, I prayed for the things that made sense to a child. I prayed for stuff to be added to my life. When I became an adult I prayed for those things that made sense to an adult. I prayed for stuff to be added to other peoples lives as well as my own.

However, when I became an alcoholic, I had to learn that alcoholics need to pray for those things that make sense to an alcoholic. Mainly, I had to quit praying for stuff to be added to my life and start praying to have stuff removed from my life. Like the obsession to drink.

I have come to appreciate what some Easter religions call "The left hand of God". As in "the right hand giveth and the left hand taketh away". When I was a non-alcoholic I could get by with a one-handed God. As an alcoholic, I need a two handed God. One who not only removes my defects but my blockages to truth as well. Take a look at this "Left Handed" prayer:

"Dear God;
Please set aside anything I think I know
about myself,
about my disease,
about the Big Book,
the 12 Steps,
the Program,
the Fellowship,
the people in the fellowship,
and all spiritual terms - especially you God;
So that I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things.
Please help me see the Truth.
Amen."

Set Aside Prayer
AA FAQ

[tomsteve]

iknowhope said it best.
darn straight i pray for me. not for materialistic things though. its more of an 11th step thing;" for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out." when i pray for others, i dont pray they get materialistic stuff either.

dont forget, elisabeth, that the BB doesnt dictate what we are to do. it is only suggestions, but suggestions because they have worked for many.

[aasharon90]

I too need all the help I can get and using
the tools and knowledge of a recovery program
to help me and guide me along my path and
journey allows me to stay sober one more day.


In early recovery I memorized those prayers in
the Big Book so that I could use them when ever
I needed them. Especially in grocery stores near
the alcohol/poison isle or in my marriage, raising
kids, jobs, my car, alone, sleeptime, death, good
times, bad times, disasters, etc.

In the 3rs Step Prayer I use often, yes I do give
myself to my Higher Power of my understanding
for guidance, love, care, understanding.....it's called
unconditional love that no matter what I do or say,
my HP forgives me. I also often change the words
and replace them to fit the person or thing needed
in the situation at hand.



The Third Step Prayer from page 63 of the
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous..1st. Edition


God, I offer myself to Thee-
To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!

[Lily]

I never noticed this phrase, but I am in complete disagreement with it. I pray for myself and my family every single day. I never pray for material things anymore, more for wisdom, insight, protection, love toward others, to be more gentle, more faithful, more joyful, more peace, more patience, kindness, etc. All through the Psalms David prayed for himself. Lately I have been praying that GOD would help me to become a better steward with my finances. It is helping! The more I am God focused, the more I am apt to not spend so much!!!

[CarolD]

Hmmm...

I don't take each suggestion that the BB has
nor do I literally believe everything printed in my Bible.

How I pray is between myself and God..