Character defects

[Kelltic]

Good morning!

I had my grandfather's wake Thursday night and the funeral yesterday. My sponsor and a few AA friends had wanted to know when the wake was so they could go and support me. Since it was 2 weeks between his death and the services, I put off telling anyone. I texted people from the wake when I was feeling panicky, but I knew I should have told them.

I handled everything pretty well...I had to play my flute, which I haven't in years, at the funeral mass. It was very emotional. I also had to go to a gathering afterward where there was a LOT of drinking, but it didn't trouble me in the least (other than to feel grateful that I wasn't drinking). However, this experience has highlighted a serious character defect...I avoided my friends because I felt uncomfortable with their support. I felt like I didn't deserve it.

I have come to the point now where I have a few people I can - and do - reach out to when I need to. For the first time in my adult life, I have a few women I can go to for support. I'm working on growing my small support group. But I still tend to text rather than call. And feeling like I don't deserve the love and support of others is dangerous. I went to a beginner's meeting at my home group last night and my sponsor was leading the meeting. I shared about this and had a great discussion with a woman my age (and who shares similar health issues) after the meeting.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to work through this? I need to get back to my therapist, I think, because this is an issue going back to my dysfunctional upbringing in a narcissistic family. But what would you do as a member of AA?

[tomsteve]

kelltic, awesome to see you see the problem. to feel you deserve it, go look in the mirror and tell yerself,"i love me today. God loves me and wants me to be happy. i am worth the help peole are wiling to give graciously." or something like that because you are worth it and deserve it. God said so! He dont make no junk.
what i do is ask God for the strength and courage to pick up the 1000lb phone. all i gotta do is just call to see how others are doin and before long i found my network of support.
even though i hear good advise from just about everyone at meetings, i only have a handful of people i call on a regular basis.

[Kelltic]

Thanks, tomsteve! That fellow AA I spoke to yesterday called me when I was at a meeting this am and I need to call back even if I'm scared to. Also, my sponsor came to the meeting this am to help me with my kids (have them all day today so I had to bring them). It felt a little uncomfortable but not too bad..I actually feel good that I asked for and accepted help!

[tomsteve]

God works in mysterious way,eh?
good on ya! keep up the footwork.

[Mark75]

"Dysfunctional Upbringing in a Narcisstic Family"... Awesome, yea, I can identify. LOL. I do really see that as being relevant.

tomsteve had a great answer for you and I don't know if I can contribute much. I feel like that a lot, not so much from a shame based POV, but from the whole pride based POV... Pride being my central character defect, and anyone who follows my posts will quickly agree, I am sure, LOL... But pride and shame have the same origin, and I know that too, because shame was such an overwhelming and excruciating feature of my early recovery. So my pride thing is... I can do this myself, I'm omnipotent, a real rock star and I can handle it... But often I don't and others end up taking up the slack, and the way it all happens, at times, there's resentment all around, that could have been avoided had I recognized my need, expressed it and then... Asked for help.

There is one thing that I am beginning to understand, and that is... This is a we program... I help others when I let them help me... Just as I know that it helps me when I help others... Yea, there is some responsibility there, but I have found that no one holds me to a higher standard than what I hold myself to...

I don't if that makes any sense, but there ya go.

[muvinon]

I'm not one to reach out when I'm vulnerable unless I have established a relationship already. The only time I did that was working with sponsors. And even then, I focused on taking their direction. I rarely called for emotional support, but I felt very emotionally supported just in doing the step work.

What I do is get to know people, one on one, one at a time. When I have a sense of friendship, then I can and do open up and am at ease letting people see me vulnerable.

One of the best ways I have found is to be consistent in my meetings. Go early, stay late. Join in fellowship activities. Try to go to some retreats......great way to get to know people better. And participate in service. Doing stuff with others is nice way to get to know how people REALLY act and apply the principles.

I don't do the velcro relationship deal in AA or anywhere in life. My own experiences taught me all too well......it's just not a sensible way to live. I got tired of learning the hard way that I'd trusted too quickly or assumed too much.

This way of mine today means......I have to be pretty firm and independent alone. But the friends I do make? They are the real deal. Gems in my life. And you know what? I think the quality of those friendships is 200 % better.

I DO trust people today. I trust them to be entirely human. And I trust that most are doing their very best.

Sometimes, though, when I'm vulnerable......their best even can be dangerous to me. Unintentional harm........happens all the time.

And I no longer allow that to happen very often.

[mfanch]

Self-deprecation (I'm-not-worthy-ness), for me, is pride turned inward... Pride in reverse. It is still ego (attention on ME) and the best thing that I did for that was to be of service to others.

Me out of me is the best I can be.....practicing humility.

[sugarbear1]

It takes practice to change our old patterns of behavior. Just call someone instead of texting.... it's so much better for both of the people!