The Family Afterward - No Secrets

[Collingwood20]

The Big Book states in Chapter 9, The Family Afterward, “ Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the key to the life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.” (AA p. 137-1st. Edition)

What I consistently struggled with in early recovery was the past until I read Chapter 9 of The Big Book. There is an enormous amount of wreckage and Wilson writes that acceptance of the pain - ownership - is the path to amends. How are others facing this?

[MIRecovery]

Living ammends are what will make the most differance. When I was early in sobriety no body believed me but as the days turned into months and into years there is a level of trust.

The wreckage of my past is still a work in progress but working the steps has cleared away alot of it.

I did not get to be a drunk in a day and I did not get sober in one either. I do what I need to do on a daily basis to keep sober today and that has worked for a while now. The clean up of the past can only occur when you are standing on a solid foundation of recovery

[Fandy]

maybe you could move this to the AA-12 step section?

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by Fandy

maybe you could move this to the AA-12 step section?

Why??? The OP was asking about how others deal with this, the family afterward and all....This is a relevant topic for all of us at SR, especially newcomers.

Actually, my family is doing pretty well afterwards because I didn't completely violate all the tenets of good behavior, though I did put our livelihood at some risk... IDK, to be honest I think that the family has to be willing to go there... and mine really isn't. I mean, they have no interest whatsoever in reaching out to others... they are not selfish, they have their own lives and my wife is very private, she is a proud member of Ala-NOT on your life!!

So like MIRecovery, I think it's best to just live those amends, be the best I can be in all my roles.

[Music]

This is a perfect time to bring up the fact that we call it "alcoholism, not alcoholwasm." My past is both a curse and a blessing. I'm still an alcoholic, I'm just not as sick as I was. It blows my mind that those old ideas from the past still creep into my daily life sometimes. I get defensive at times, feel guilty, remorse, and wish sometimes my life could've been different. Then in the next few hours, or days I get the opportunity to share with someone and like the Big Book says, one alcoholic can connect with another in a way no one else can. I have to laugh when I think about non-alcoholic counselors, counseling alcoholics. I wonder how that works.

[Collingwood20]

I had a great talk with my sponsor this afternoon(he's has been sober 17 years), and he still has a sister that will not speak to him. He has made his amends but you can not force it on others.

The problem with drinking every day is that you need to drink every day. No matter what. And this piece of the puzzle really doesn't fit much into the lifestyle of the non-alcoholic people who walk the earth. They tend to frown on someone who drinks his breakfast then falls back in bed for a nap at 8:30 in the morning. But that is the way I lived my life for almost three decades. In that time you tend to elevate the tempers of flocks of friends and family. Just sweeping it all under the rug and walking in a void is absolutely a death sentence to potential relapse. The big book tells us to be happy because we are sober and attempt to heal through honesty. I think this is a great topic. Thank you for your comments.

[Tommyh]

How are others facing this?

for one thing,I am just glad I don`t have to live like that anymore

[gravity]

There is an enormous amount of wreckage and Wilson writes that acceptance of the pain - ownership - is the path to amends.

I had to accept that I was the cause of all the dysfunction and suffering in my family. How can I make amends to someone who I blamed for my actions?

I tried to make amends to my wife but she left me anyway even though I was 2 years sober at the time. Too much resentment built up over the years. Some relationships are broken and can't be fixed. The amends continue though as I try to be the best father I can to our kids and to be a responsible ex-husband. Life goes on.

[muvinon]

I had frank discussions with my family, and I left the door open for them to ask me questions. They popped up from time to time, and I was honest and open with them. I didn't want to share more information than they actually wanted or needed to hear. I left that up to them.

My amends were direct, many of which were financial. That alone cleared the path for some relaxing of attitudes, I believe.

And I bit my tongue alot in early sobriety. I refused to defend. I refused to argue. I refused to react to what was clearly unfair.

I'm very glad I took that stance. I'm enjoying the family alot these days. I think they just needed to say what they said, fair or not. And it helped that I was willing to listen.

I never felt like a doormat. When I knew it was unfair, I didn't grovel. But I did respectfully hear them out.

Thankfully, today, we're all pretty relaxed. We're not in each other's business. Boundaries are much clearer. And I see a lot of love.

Nice.

[Mark75]

Awesome post muvinon. I read it three times.